Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

I think for my mom it regression and fear to some extent. Sure, she has a natural inclination toward using guilt. But for years she encouraged me to create my own life with my own friends. But unexpectedly being left alone as she was beginning to lose some of her life skills by my fathers sudden passing was devastating. She was afraid. She is afraid. My brothers wanted to put her away somewhere to both our shock. She's afraid of being left alone someplace where no one cares about her, being neglected. And she's regressing. She's becoming more childlike as she ages. Simple, demanding.

My mother died June 2 and I can honestly say I don't miss her. She disliked me for at least the past ten years because I called her out on a really cruel lie. She never forgave me and just kept after me in every negative way until she died. I grew to not love her and knew she was abusive to me. I don't think she loved anyone except herself. She made my brother beneficiary of all her money (700,00.00) but he halved it with me, refused to treat me as she did.

I am now getting rid of every single thing I have of hers, her rings, knick knacks, whatever I came home with. I decided to purge my life of her and my father. I need to heal for the rest of the life I have left.

These types are not real parents, they are mentally disturbed narcissists who only think about one thing, themselves.

Palmtrees1, I can hear the pain in your words about purging your mother out of your life. Your brother must be a wonderful human being to refuse to treat you as she did and he split the money with you equally. He didn't have to but he did because he loves you. Instead of throwing things away, why don't you just put all jewelry in a box, all knick knacks and anything else you feel you don't want and stick it up in the attic or in a closet somewhere because some day you may find yourself wanting to have those things after all the hate is gone. It does get better after the years roll by. Having a narcissist for a parent is one of the most heartbreaking things to live with. I think Alandr4 has some good advice about the BPD. Some people may have bi-polar disease but regardless, they need medication and a professional's help in coming to terms with their problems. And it is THEIR problem and not yours. It may take you years to miss your mom but someday you might. Try not to let the hate fester and realize she had a mental illness and never got the help or medication she needed. Try to forgive her which in turn forgives yourself. Don't let another day go by with the hate inside because it will turn in on you and cause problems for you. She's not here any longer and you don't have to experience one more day of her hatred or narcissism. If anyone has a parent that is "just not right", you can also go to a college bookstore and find a textbook that is for Psychology and it's Personality Traits. It describes several different types of personalities and how to handle them. I "found" my DIL's personality on one of them and also "found" one of my granddaughter's personality on another. After reading it, I found myself saying "that's why she did this or that" and it made things much more clear. No one needs to live with another person that is cruel, controlling and narcissistic. If you find yourself in this position, find another place to live quickly and let them do for themselves. I've let several of my grandkids read some of the chapters to see what's in store for them if they intend to put up with this behavior. Good luck in starting your new life.

i try to look for the silver lining in these things. Even though my life sucks because of dealing with frustrating parents and inlaws, I'm making a mental note to myself and filing it under " things not to do , say or behave " with my own adult kids

Good point, misslauri. When I'm not sighing, counting silently to 10 (to calm down) or slumped over in disgust, I also make mental notes about "how not to be." Don't be a control freak, don't be a killjoy, don't revel in "I told you so," don't reject help because it's not exactly the way I would do something, don't be a hoarder, yada yada. My mother's personality has always basically been.....the sum of her neuroses. It never crossed her mind to lighten up, to try to rise above. Instead, those who cater to her bullsh*t are "in," and those who don't are merely tolerated or frozen out -- depending on what she needs from them. This progressively worsened with age. Now we are at the point of no return. And no reasoning, thanks to her flashes of early non-Alz dementia (my dx; she's too good to go to a dr like the rest of us). What a waste.

The psychological power of a mother goes deep and should not be underestimated, no matter how old, frail and senile she seems to be. My mother knows things about me that I don't know, things that happened in my early childhood that I can't remember. The older I get, the more I realize that what I thought were my quirks come from my early childhood and are significant and explainable. For instance, I had a telephone phobia that played havoc with my working life in my twenties and thirties. That phobia didn't just happen by itself but I can't remember what happened.

Sometimes I feel hypnotized to give her what she wants. Early conditioning can kick in automatically if I am not aware of what is going on. For instance, my mother is quite obviously jealous of my health. I am the healthiest one in my family and dear old Mom is quite puzzled and resentful about why such a happy outcome should go to someone so obviously inferior and weak as me. I think they call it cognitive dissonance. This situation is dangerous for me because I have all this early conditioning to give Mom what she wants. I could easily sabotage my health by neglect, not going for checkups, losing interest in exercise etc, thereby fulfilling that early programming in a robotic way. God knows, every time I visit, my mother does her utmost to undermine any health routines I have, including flossing my teeth. My awareness helps me counter this robotic default reaction but it is hard work. I can feel the pull but I know what it is. I have a right to be healthy if that is what God has given me. She is not God, though she acts like it.

palmtrees - I understand as my mother has BPD and I agree you need to heal and do whatever you need to do for that to happen. My mum is still alive but I am disposing of much and will keep little. Some things have such strong negative emotions attached to them. I doubt that one can totally heal from a life time of abuse but QOL can be improved. Your brother is a gem. My sib, unfortunately, is like my mother and wants all the inheritance.

@terry - BPD does not refer to Bi polar but to Borderline Personality Disorder, It s not a matter of hate but of hurt, and healing from the hurt and abuse as well as possible. A college text book does not provide many answers of how to handle them. Counsellors don't know how to handle people with personality disorders or how to help them much. My mother was diagnosed later in life and I was told that there was no treatment . I do agree with getting away from them - not living under the same roof.

Misslauri - there is a huge difference between "dealing with frustrating parents and inlaws" and dealing with family members with mental illnesses. I tend to be a optimist too and look for the silver living. It is very hard to find in some situations.

Golden23, you are so right! This is the first time in decades I have spent this much time with my mother. I am much more aware of her mental state, and the games that she plays. A lot of it is the illness, but not all of it. It's like she's someone else that I never knew.

As far as I know there has been no progress in treating those with a hard core narcissistic personality disorder. I know of one book for adult children of a Narcissistic parent.

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents By Nina W. Brown

There has been some improvement with the treatment of those with borderline personality disorder. However, this requires much hard work in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in a group and one on one therapy otherwise, plus staying on meds which can help the unstable moods. Too often they quit therapy and/or stop there meds. Underneath much of it is a fear of abandonment and a sense of never being validated or being invalidated.

Before the actual diagnosis was made and more was understood about its dynamics, people often considered them just mean. Many therapist still run from treating this disorder or will only treat a limited number due to the issues involved. As therapists learned more an early theory was found to not be true. There was the idea that they had these problems because of rape. Even the often correct idea that it takes a narcissist to make a borderline is not set in concrete. Some borderlines come from very healthy families for some reason.

For Family Members

There are books that have been written for family members, the adult child of the borderline mother, understanding the borderline mother along with one workbook that I'm aware of. Here's more of what I've found on this subject.

A basic book to help someone dealing with about anyone with any personality disorder is.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.

A basic guide for family members with a very good workbook is

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger

It contains a discussion of 3 clusters of persons with BPD. First, the classic mental health picture as seen in I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. Second, is the high functioning person whose BPD illness is hidden to all but their family. It is very likely that a majority of people with BPD are in this cluster. Third is a mixture of one and two. These are not closed clusters because there is some overlap.

She and John Paul Shirely wrote, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook

A good book for an adult child of a borderline mother is

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

Another excellent book for adult children of a mom with BPD is

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson.

Dealing with this mental illness within a family calls for wise and firm boundaries. This book offers practical insights and instruction where Stop Walking on Eggshells only touches on lightly. The two books together make an awesome pair.
This book is quoted at length in the workbook for SWOE. It is not only descriptive of the four types of these mothers but also prescriptive in how to relate with each type within healthy boundaries.

Also, there are websites with support groups like BPD Central which is the oldest.

The next book gives a person an inside look at what goes on inside someone with BPD. Another good resource is the site called Out of the FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder By Richard Moskovitz

Another good book which is a classic is "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."

People with BPD often abandon someone out of fear of being abandoned before the person even has a chance.

For a spouse of someone with BPD or traits.

Melville, Lynn. Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked From Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships

Porr, Valerie. Marsha M Linehan (forward), When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship

Manning Shari Y., and Marsha M. Linehan. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You

Walker, Anthony. The Siren's Dance : My Marriage to a Borderline: A Case Study Rodale Books (September 20, 2003)

Randi Kreger: “For six years, I have maintained several support groups on the web for people who have a borderline partner. Mr. Walker's book tells a very familiar story--ignoring red flags in particular. Since most non-BP partners need immense validation, this book will validate your experiences so you will not feel so uncertain and alone if you have a BP partner.”

For a parent of a child with BPD

Winkler, Kathy. Randi Kreger. Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself.

The books above are classics concerning BPD and good tools to have in one's library and life. More have been written, but these books are a good starting place.

Here's some resources for adult children of narcissists that I just found.

Carter, L., Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

Cavaiola, A., and Lavender, N, The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self-Absorbed

McBride, K., Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I hope this detailed list of resources helps.

cmagnum, I have read many of these books and,highly recommend them. They opened my eyes and helped me understand everything in life was not my fault but my mother's warped opinion of life.

palmtrees1,

I glad to hear of the insights and freedom that you have gained. There are many still captive by their parent's dark personalities. The power of such darkness with its F.O.G. is exceptionally strong with some.

Take care.

Thanks for your post, cmagnum. I read some of those books. Susan Forward has another book that came out about a year ago: "Mother's Who Can't Love". In an interview, she said it was a book she couldn't write while her mother was still alive.

Thanks! I will look that one up and add it to my list. It is easier to write about mothers like this after they are dead. I found that the closer my mother came to death that I remembered many things in details from what I call my forgotten years of childhood and adolescence.

It has been just the opposite for me, cmag. The closer my mother gets to death, the less the bad things of the past come to mind. It is like they have faded, so I'm not so sure if things were so bad or not. I figured that I was forgetting and forgiving... either that or my mind was going. It does seem like the memories have gotten lost in the fog of the past. Maybe it is a good place for them. The present has so many challenges that it would be too hard to deal with past issues.

I've seen this question floating by numerous times and finally think I have a meaningful answer.

So many moms use these manipulative tactics . . . Because they work.

It's really that simple.

MaggieMarshall, your position would mean that once the adult children stop being manipulated that the moms would learn from it and change their tactics. However nice that is to hope for, it is not reality. If we really knew why, then we could cure these and other personality disorders. Their traits and tactics are so similar from one mother to another they are legion with different names and a few other uniquenesses about themselves.

I don't think that parents who abuse their children emotionally, physically or sexually do it because they know that their manipulative tactics works. Their tactics work but the destruction that such abuse does to a child lasts a lifetime. Something more sinister than it works makes these people tick.

A quote from Karyl McBride Ph.D.
Narcissism is a serious disorder that has far reaching effects. Our obligation to understand demands informed awareness.

Maggie - In my opinion, your statement comes close to blaming the victim.

Jessie - I think I am more like you in that the past is fading somewhat, but not because the pressures of care today are so great. It is because the crazy phone calls and demands have decreased and I have cut contact with my narc sister. Mother is very well cared for in an ALF suited to her special needs. That having been said I had a panic attack last time I visited mother and I haven't had one of those for a very long time so I guess it all is not so far back. The memory of facts may be, but the feelings are still close to the surface.

cmag - to me parents who abuse their children emotionally, physically or sexually are mentally ill and they for the most part are not capable of doing otherwise. They see their children as extensions of themselves and means of satisfying their needs, not as separate individuals with needs of their own. Sadly, the effects of these relationships are life long.

golden, I think you're right about NPD being a mental illness. I've always believed that one of the people running for president right now is the poster child for NPD. And though he is popular, he is setting a self-destructive path for himself now and won't listen to counsel. It is like he can't listen to counsel, because his own thoughts are the only correct ones. We can learn a lot about the extremes of NPD just studying his life. His life has worked for him, so there has been no reason to change. Unfortunately, he has hurt many others around him. He just shrugs it off as inconsequential.

BTW, I didn't mention his name, since I didn't want to send the organic search engines this way.

I googled "narcissism in politicians" and got lots of hits. The man you are thinking about is not alone. I believe narcissism is often evident in politicians. Think power, prestige, status, authority, grandiosity, sense of entitlement...

Whether or not he would test as NPD, which is a mental illness, I don't know. It is not the same as having some narcissistic traits.

Cmag, Maggie, golden, I think most people can come up with an example of an adult who manipulated a child or spouse just for the grins or because they can't help it. Some abuse their children emotionally & physically because something happened back in their lifetime that didn't sit well and they have fed on the hatred for years. I had a DIL like that who, when anyone in the family disrespected, dishonored, or ignored her for whatever reason, felt the need to get revenge even if it took years and years. I would wake up in the middle of the night when they were in town listening to the soft arguments of her blasting my son because he "didn't take up for her or didn't say anything to the other party for hurting her feelings or ignoring her or ...)" She couldn't let anything rest or just say let it roll off the back. She had to make his life miserable because she was miserable (mentally ill as well) Once she finally had him saying ok,ok,ok, just shut up, she would start in on the actual party who hurt her feelings, argued until they were ready to shoot her and finally she felt justified in saying "now it's over". Luckily, I've not had to deal with the sexually abusive person but the other is bad enough. I was just glad when he finally divorced her and got her out of my family. You can't change the other person but you can change you and/or the situation if you're unhappy. No one should be unhappy and let it keep happening over and over. She was a narcissist as well. Get them out of your life or at least get some distance so you don't have to deal with them. You'll live longer too. You can't help their mental illness so help yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself it's no longer your problem and walk away fro the ones causing the most hurt. Only deal with them by phone because that way, you can hang up on them if necessary. And Maggie, sometimes the victim is to blame but even though they may not be able to help it, they still cause a lot of pain. The more they cause pain, the further you step back. Sometimes that is the only thing that will help you retain your sanity.

Your right in that some but not all hurt people end up hurting other people. It is a myth that all people who abused where once abused themselves.

In reading about emotional incest and physical incest, I noticed how similar the symptoms are for both types victims.

Most of the victims of emotional blackmail that I've seen and read about were first victims of emotional incest which is not sexual but still is an invasion of a child's personhood. While some prefer the milder term, emotional enmeshement, it is wht it is.

I've seen four types which can and often do overlap. Since they are not sexual, they can take place between a parent and a child of the same sex.

1. The eternal child who is infantalized by the parent and not allowed to really grow up. My wife and my fight with this one is one reason we married in our early 30ties.

2. The parentified child who is raised to feel like they have to function as the parent's parent. My wife was raised with the expectation that she would not marry but stay at home and look after her parents. Get this. Her parents had sent her to college and to a university where she got a PhD. They expected her to just come home and live on the farm with mom and pop in the middle of no where? What a cruel joke.

3. The partnerfied child in which the child becomes the parent's substitute partner either in a bad marriage or as a single parent. We see the impact of this in marriages where the husband or the wife really can't fully give themselves to the relationship and grow in intimacy because emotionally they are in a since "married to a parent." My wife and I both experienced this one with our moms and we got counselling to over come this burden. We have felt much more married to each other since then.

4. The needy child who wants the parent to be the loving parent that they never were,. I see this in my SIL who is also the apple that didn't fall far from the tree. She's like the very personality that she does not like. She keeps hoping for change and really believes she is honoring her mother like the Bible says to while she doesn't see that she is not honoring her husband.

She is my wife's identical twin sister, but she was raised more by her co-dependent, passive father. He told his daughters when they were young that he saw the abuse there mom was dishing out on them but there was nothing he could do. Often, the spouse is also a victim of the parent who is abusing the children and they feel powerless. I doubt he ever knew or suspected just how close his wife and his daughter had become.

When it comes to some personality disorders like borderline, it appears to me that there might be a small genetic component along with the psycho/social aspect of the disease. I say that because I've seen some apples that fell mighty close to the tree and it seems to have been passed down from one generation to another.

I am not sure that someone who manipulates someone just for the fun of it is a very healthy personality to deal with for that sounds like a sick sense of humor.

While I know that some victims take on a victim mentality and wear there pain like a badge of honor that they just have to carry a chip or a mountain on their shoulder about, but I don't agree that we can blame the victim for being abused.

Also, to be fair some dads emotionally blackmail their adult sons and daughters as well.

Many years ago, my wife and I had put up with more than enough from her mother. We put up some rather radical boundaries with consequences plus limited our contact with her mom which includes staying in the hotel instead of in the house. A therapist once told her to not only live a certain distance from her mother but also never to be the hands on care giver when her mother got older because of the risk of her anger coming out when her mother reached a very weak state. I understand that for when my wife got in full contact with her anger at home one night it was frightening when she told me she knew just how she wanted her mom to do die and how long it would take. A policeman told me that when someone is that full of that much rage that they can sometimes forget who is in the house with them is not who they are angry at and go deadly wild. So, I got her some help that night.

We had to deal with my mom also, but she's dead now. I could write more about her and my life with her as a single mom which changed very little when she married again to a man much like her dad who was a drunk which opened the door for her to become a drunk as well which she did despite her earlier claims that she would never do that. However, I think that I've gone past making my points and this post is already very long.

i go thru this with my mother alot,....i am 37 and been caring for her for 5 years since my dad died. i am single and i dont have much of a life anymore because of her manipulations. i am so tired.

lululovespapas, how old is your mother and how advanced is her dementia? How much are you having to do for her? I hope you haven't found it necessary to quit your job for you really can't afford that at 37?

My mother was quite and as previously stated, had a domestic in house roll all of her life. She never made a des ion for her sel, nor initiated any activity. All I could say at her eulogy was 'that she was there'. She was extremely dependent on her children to the point she became irritated when not given attention. When visitors came, she needed one of her children to be there to stimulate conversation and serve the coffee. This was very confusing for her children as there was no indication of the strength nor intimacy of the relationship. Not knowing this produced conflict and mistrust amount the siblings. This mistrust became a feature between several siblings. One sibling considered herself the favourite leaving others wondering. The last 20 years mother spent watching TV. She had no initiative nor encouragement for her children. All of the siblings are highly educated and often wonder if, implicitly, that we were seeking some form of acknowledgement. It never came. Sitting with her during her last days a degree of intimacy developed and she would frequently say, " I should have done more with my life. Now that the siblings have to divide her possessions the mistrust and confusion continues. It is obnoxious negative and highly distressing. John88

John, I understood what you wrote. Tacy, often we do have to stand outside and look at what is going on. If we're inside, we get swept up into emotions, so we pull outside and figure things out. I understand what John meant when he said that she was there. Some people live, but never really participate in life. They occupy a chair, but not a space in the hearts of people. Perhaps it is because they don't have a place in their hearts for others. I understood what he meant. Some people are just there.

Hi Tacy, as primary carer for over a decade you both become emeshed in relational dynamics and you obviously stand outside it to figure out what is going on. I think we all do that. There is a difference between donating and self sacrifice.

Hi Tacy22 thank you for your response. There are so many variations of circumstances, gender and personalities involved in caring. Sometimes it can be very exasperating while at other times things seem to go well. Having a mother who selectively uses language that heightens tension between siblings drives open communications underground installing mistrust and suspicion. It is tiring and often breeds negativity, something we can do without, especially in the caring roll. Thanks again for your response.
John22

Many manipulative moms create divorces for those adult children who don't see it for what it is. So often if they see it at all, it's too late.

Hi, I think that whatever you try will ultimately met by another strategy. Maybe the secret is that you carve out some time for your self (friends, hobbies, etc). Maybe , because of your dedication to caring many of your former friends have not been on the scene. Therefore reestablishing time for yourself, I believe, is important. Communications with spouses and other family members is important as they need to know your feelings and thoughts. This can be very hard sometimes as others might question your competence and ability to do the caring job. I think that you have to break through this kind of thinking and reclaim space for yourself- this is not selfish or non caring. You can only do a good job when your tanks have been refuelled. The risk is that , you need to communicate frankly your needs to other players.Or the person you are caring for. I think you will feel FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) however these feeling will need to be tolerated . I know it sounds simple but in fact is mammoth task for for the carer. There will be many conflicting feelings. I, however think the risk is worth it if one is going to live a somewhat fulfilled life. I know I can't 'walk in another persons shoes' therefore forgive me if this response is inappropriate
Regards