Why do so many mothers emotionally blackmail their grown children with fear, obligation, and guilt?

As far as I know there has been no progress in treating those with a hard core narcissistic personality disorder. I know of one book for adult children of a Narcissistic parent.

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents By Nina W. Brown

There has been some improvement with the treatment of those with borderline personality disorder. However, this requires much hard work in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in a group and one on one therapy otherwise, plus staying on meds which can help the unstable moods. Too often they quit therapy and/or stop there meds. Underneath much of it is a fear of abandonment and a sense of never being validated or being invalidated.

Before the actual diagnosis was made and more was understood about its dynamics, people often considered them just mean. Many therapist still run from treating this disorder or will only treat a limited number due to the issues involved. As therapists learned more an early theory was found to not be true. There was the idea that they had these problems because of rape. Even the often correct idea that it takes a narcissist to make a borderline is not set in concrete. Some borderlines come from very healthy families for some reason.

For Family Members

There are books that have been written for family members, the adult child of the borderline mother, understanding the borderline mother along with one workbook that I'm aware of. Here's more of what I've found on this subject.

A basic book to help someone dealing with about anyone with any personality disorder is.

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.

A basic guide for family members with a very good workbook is

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger

It contains a discussion of 3 clusters of persons with BPD. First, the classic mental health picture as seen in I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. Second, is the high functioning person whose BPD illness is hidden to all but their family. It is very likely that a majority of people with BPD are in this cluster. Third is a mixture of one and two. These are not closed clusters because there is some overlap.

She and John Paul Shirely wrote, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook

A good book for an adult child of a borderline mother is

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

Another excellent book for adult children of a mom with BPD is

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson.

Dealing with this mental illness within a family calls for wise and firm boundaries. This book offers practical insights and instruction where Stop Walking on Eggshells only touches on lightly. The two books together make an awesome pair.
This book is quoted at length in the workbook for SWOE. It is not only descriptive of the four types of these mothers but also prescriptive in how to relate with each type within healthy boundaries.

Also, there are websites with support groups like BPD Central which is the oldest.

The next book gives a person an inside look at what goes on inside someone with BPD. Another good resource is the site called Out of the FOG. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder By Richard Moskovitz

Another good book which is a classic is "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."

People with BPD often abandon someone out of fear of being abandoned before the person even has a chance.

For a spouse of someone with BPD or traits.

Melville, Lynn. Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked From Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships

Porr, Valerie. Marsha M Linehan (forward), When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Repair the Relationship

Manning Shari Y., and Marsha M. Linehan. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You

Walker, Anthony. The Siren's Dance : My Marriage to a Borderline: A Case Study Rodale Books (September 20, 2003)

Randi Kreger: “For six years, I have maintained several support groups on the web for people who have a borderline partner. Mr. Walker's book tells a very familiar story--ignoring red flags in particular. Since most non-BP partners need immense validation, this book will validate your experiences so you will not feel so uncertain and alone if you have a BP partner.”

For a parent of a child with BPD

Winkler, Kathy. Randi Kreger. Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself.

The books above are classics concerning BPD and good tools to have in one's library and life. More have been written, but these books are a good starting place.

Here's some resources for adult children of narcissists that I just found.

Carter, L., Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

Cavaiola, A., and Lavender, N, The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self-Absorbed

McBride, K., Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I hope this detailed list of resources helps.

Golden23, you are so right! This is the first time in decades I have spent this much time with my mother. I am much more aware of her mental state, and the games that she plays. A lot of it is the illness, but not all of it. It's like she's someone else that I never knew.

palmtrees - I understand as my mother has BPD and I agree you need to heal and do whatever you need to do for that to happen. My mum is still alive but I am disposing of much and will keep little. Some things have such strong negative emotions attached to them. I doubt that one can totally heal from a life time of abuse but QOL can be improved. Your brother is a gem. My sib, unfortunately, is like my mother and wants all the inheritance.

@terry - BPD does not refer to Bi polar but to Borderline Personality Disorder, It s not a matter of hate but of hurt, and healing from the hurt and abuse as well as possible. A college text book does not provide many answers of how to handle them. Counsellors don't know how to handle people with personality disorders or how to help them much. My mother was diagnosed later in life and I was told that there was no treatment . I do agree with getting away from them - not living under the same roof.

Misslauri - there is a huge difference between "dealing with frustrating parents and inlaws" and dealing with family members with mental illnesses. I tend to be a optimist too and look for the silver living. It is very hard to find in some situations.

The psychological power of a mother goes deep and should not be underestimated, no matter how old, frail and senile she seems to be. My mother knows things about me that I don't know, things that happened in my early childhood that I can't remember. The older I get, the more I realize that what I thought were my quirks come from my early childhood and are significant and explainable. For instance, I had a telephone phobia that played havoc with my working life in my twenties and thirties. That phobia didn't just happen by itself but I can't remember what happened.

Sometimes I feel hypnotized to give her what she wants. Early conditioning can kick in automatically if I am not aware of what is going on. For instance, my mother is quite obviously jealous of my health. I am the healthiest one in my family and dear old Mom is quite puzzled and resentful about why such a happy outcome should go to someone so obviously inferior and weak as me. I think they call it cognitive dissonance. This situation is dangerous for me because I have all this early conditioning to give Mom what she wants. I could easily sabotage my health by neglect, not going for checkups, losing interest in exercise etc, thereby fulfilling that early programming in a robotic way. God knows, every time I visit, my mother does her utmost to undermine any health routines I have, including flossing my teeth. My awareness helps me counter this robotic default reaction but it is hard work. I can feel the pull but I know what it is. I have a right to be healthy if that is what God has given me. She is not God, though she acts like it.

Good point, misslauri. When I'm not sighing, counting silently to 10 (to calm down) or slumped over in disgust, I also make mental notes about "how not to be." Don't be a control freak, don't be a killjoy, don't revel in "I told you so," don't reject help because it's not exactly the way I would do something, don't be a hoarder, yada yada. My mother's personality has always basically been.....the sum of her neuroses. It never crossed her mind to lighten up, to try to rise above. Instead, those who cater to her bullsh*t are "in," and those who don't are merely tolerated or frozen out -- depending on what she needs from them. This progressively worsened with age. Now we are at the point of no return. And no reasoning, thanks to her flashes of early non-Alz dementia (my dx; she's too good to go to a dr like the rest of us). What a waste.

i try to look for the silver lining in these things. Even though my life sucks because of dealing with frustrating parents and inlaws, I'm making a mental note to myself and filing it under " things not to do , say or behave " with my own adult kids

Palmtrees1, I can hear the pain in your words about purging your mother out of your life. Your brother must be a wonderful human being to refuse to treat you as she did and he split the money with you equally. He didn't have to but he did because he loves you. Instead of throwing things away, why don't you just put all jewelry in a box, all knick knacks and anything else you feel you don't want and stick it up in the attic or in a closet somewhere because some day you may find yourself wanting to have those things after all the hate is gone. It does get better after the years roll by. Having a narcissist for a parent is one of the most heartbreaking things to live with. I think Alandr4 has some good advice about the BPD. Some people may have bi-polar disease but regardless, they need medication and a professional's help in coming to terms with their problems. And it is THEIR problem and not yours. It may take you years to miss your mom but someday you might. Try not to let the hate fester and realize she had a mental illness and never got the help or medication she needed. Try to forgive her which in turn forgives yourself. Don't let another day go by with the hate inside because it will turn in on you and cause problems for you. She's not here any longer and you don't have to experience one more day of her hatred or narcissism. If anyone has a parent that is "just not right", you can also go to a college bookstore and find a textbook that is for Psychology and it's Personality Traits. It describes several different types of personalities and how to handle them. I "found" my DIL's personality on one of them and also "found" one of my granddaughter's personality on another. After reading it, I found myself saying "that's why she did this or that" and it made things much more clear. No one needs to live with another person that is cruel, controlling and narcissistic. If you find yourself in this position, find another place to live quickly and let them do for themselves. I've let several of my grandkids read some of the chapters to see what's in store for them if they intend to put up with this behavior. Good luck in starting your new life.

My mother died June 2 and I can honestly say I don't miss her. She disliked me for at least the past ten years because I called her out on a really cruel lie. She never forgave me and just kept after me in every negative way until she died. I grew to not love her and knew she was abusive to me. I don't think she loved anyone except herself. She made my brother beneficiary of all her money (700,00.00) but he halved it with me, refused to treat me as she did.

I am now getting rid of every single thing I have of hers, her rings, knick knacks, whatever I came home with. I decided to purge my life of her and my father. I need to heal for the rest of the life I have left.

These types are not real parents, they are mentally disturbed narcissists who only think about one thing, themselves.

I think for my mom it regression and fear to some extent. Sure, she has a natural inclination toward using guilt. But for years she encouraged me to create my own life with my own friends. But unexpectedly being left alone as she was beginning to lose some of her life skills by my fathers sudden passing was devastating. She was afraid. She is afraid. My brothers wanted to put her away somewhere to both our shock. She's afraid of being left alone someplace where no one cares about her, being neglected. And she's regressing. She's becoming more childlike as she ages. Simple, demanding.

Some of the time your mother has BPD like my mother. Borderline Personality Disorder. If these things have happened to you, you should research about BPD. I am not a reader, but there were two books that helped me get through this...The Borderline Mother and Emotional Blackmail. It took years to change myself in order to change my mother...somewhat. The hardest thing as a child is separating the idea that your are the child and must respect them. You have to find the line that is respectful to your parent or parents and also stand up for yourself. You ARE an adult and though they are your parent(s), they must respect you as an adult. The number one thing is guilt. DO NOT fall for this. Focus on the reality of the situation. If you have done nothing wrong, do not let them force you to think you did. Please please please research BPD and emotional blackmail more if you are going through this! I am helping my boyfriend go through this now and its so hard to watch, but I know there is so much happiness on the other side. Me and my mother have a better relationship today because I have learned and practiced dealing with her BPD everyday!! I am happy to share any other information or experiences if someone needs it! I am not a professional but I can tell you what worked for me and tools to help you deal.
I hope everyone here finds peace with parents and emotional blackmail.

Girlgirl, you are no longer the "52 year old child." You are now the adult in this situation, and it is up to you to make the call about not driving and getting a decent medical geriatric evaluation for them both. If you can't insist because they refuse and won't be cajoled, you may have to see if someone would come to the home, unless they refuse that too, then you may have to involve social services and withdraw whatever help you are providing that enables them to continue as they are. Her buying food for you is just insane. This may require legal help as well. Things will get worse, and just waiting for something bad enough to happen so that needed change can occur really sucks if you end up trapped into that.

Dad may be more amenable to help. He may not wear hearing aids for any number of reasons - they may hurt, they may not be adjusted for his hearing loss, they may be the wrong type for him - maybe he'd go to an audiologist with you and see if at least that one small piece can be figured out.

Narcissistic and borderline parents literally believe that "the world revolves around them and everybody else is here to cater to them" but also, in their eyes, others, particularly children, only exist as a an extension of them. If their spouse dies before they do, they mainly tend to miss that _____ is not around to do for them anymore.

Therefore, you don't have a life to live apart from me (the narcissistic or borderline parent) because you are an extension of me and thus you are not a separate, equal adult person apart from me. It's just not possible for them to have an adult to adult relationship with them.

Those who grow up with such parents might think their life was normal, but it was not. They were and some still are victims of child abuse. This is what I call the dark side care giving. The dark side is very powerful with these emotional blackmailing moms and dads. Far too often they hoover their overly trusting, too wiling to help, groomed adult children into the often self-created drama of the parent with the personality disorder that they are standing in the middle of like a victim when they started it themselves. Very often when the adult child realizes they have been seduced into a trap, it is hard to see their way out. In my opinion, borderlines are the must seductive of the two personality types.

So in the overall scheme of things, it sounds like your folks could be OK on their own. If your dad falls, either just go over or have them call 911. Taking a senior to doctor's visits don't require you live with them, particularly if your mom won't let you sit in.

One thing you could do is send a letter to her doctor with your observations about her behavior and how it is affecting your dad. Make sure you indicate he's not to mention it to her. But he can ask her questions to get at some of the answers. But if she won't comply or answer honestly, there's not much you can do. Since she's so abusive to you, I'd certainly consider moving out. Or moving away.

I agree maybe not quite along the lines of Dementia, etc.... however, the story repeating is coming into play super heavy currently, forgetting, not wanting to get dressed all day, etc.... We sold everything we owned and moved down here. We don't really like Florida and aren't really planning on buying another home down here we could rent however, Dad is falling on occasions ( We pick him up and help him into bed he's 6'3" and about 210, and we are pretty much taking him to all of his many Dr.'s apps.. I can't get her to any specialist(s), and she will NOT let me attend any of her Medical Dr. apps. with her, or I would speak up. She also doesn't want to shower or wash her hair, sets in her pj's most of the time staring at her computer and playing online gambling games. She exhibits possibly Depression and something else that I am not equipped to understand on my own.

Girlgirl what kind of help does your mom need? Do you really need to live with them? Couldn't you live nearby and just go over frequently?

She sounds to me like she has some kind of anxiety disorder or OCD (obsessive compulsive stuff), but I'm no doctor. You don't mention things that would typically be dementia - poor memory, mixing up people/things, etc.

Could you ever get her to someone who specializes in seniors, even though she's still young and vibrant (in her mind)?

I feel bad for your poor dad. Sounds like he's just trying to stay out of her way and not engage. My dad never wore his hearing aids either - I think it was his way of keeping people out.

I'm a 52 year old only child. My husband and I moved in over a year ago with my parents to assist my mom at her request. Upon arrival I started noticing her very odd behavior (she has always been very controlling) however, she never sleeps, cries at the drop of a hat, follows us everywhere, goes through the trash to see what we've eaten, keeps going to the store and buying foods for us that we don't eat, and then getting extremely upset when we don't eat them, insists that we all have a set down dinner and then won't talk to anyone, sets and twists her hands in a nervous state, claims that if we don't eat exactly what they eat each night for dinner and set at the table we are destroying the family. If we offer to take them out to dinner she always says no thank you. If I try to take her out shopping she says no thank you. If we try to go out to dinner or away for the day she throws a fit. She is still driving and has totally banged up their truck and has had three accidents with it (only one was actually reported), if you try and discuss if she should even be driving anymore she get super smart with me about it. Also, she thinks she is young and in great shape. She wobbles when she walks, never sleeps, ball of nerves, claims P/T, non driving, benefits, lift chairs, walkers, elder events, etc.... are for OLD PEOPLE and they aren't old or sick. Dad had Quad bypass 3 years ago and walks with a walker, and won't drive anymore, still as sharp as a tack, but he is deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aides. He just stays in his chair and won't move unless she tells him because I think he's afraid of her. It is really becoming hard to live, and just to exist here. One day she will be super nice and almost dripping with sweetness, and then the next day all grumpy and moody and crying. Dementia, Bipolar, any help anyone???

I agree. The blackmailers don't give a care what they say or do. As long as their needs and wants are met its okay. In their eyes, the world revolves around them and everybody else is here to cater to them. They can snap at you, insult you or treat you like a second class citizen but do that to them and it's war.

My MIL is a narcissistic waif. She worked in a NH years ago, which was from the description a last-stop Medicaid one. He PROMISED her that she would never have to go to one. Fast forward to Parkinson's journey of many years and a recent recurrence of T-cell cutaneous lymphoma; and she and FIL stroke survivor with COPD live 60 miles away. She has now decided to try to redirect the FOG my way since my parents are both dead and MIL doesn't think caregiving my son, helping my best friend and her 89 near old Mom, and working my 2 part time jobs are the same as working full time (my husband). You have to maintain the boundaries with the helpless ones even more, because they will suck you in and drain you dry. MIL had little use for me until her health declined and my husband was not able to run to her rescue for last FIL health crisis. That is when MIL made FIL move near us 5 years ago. I have to do the boundaries with husband too because he doesn't want to see her FOG and would ignore it until I was BOGged down (b* with obligation and guilt). I keep telling him that I will provide him research back up and cover care for son at our house for all the care HUSBAND wants to give hands on to his parents. Changed the dynamic dramatically when it became I will cover other stuff, YOU cover your parents.

What I sometimes think that we don't get is that these emotionally blackmailing parents, usually mothers don't give a damn that what they're doing upsets anyone. Just like with a narcissistic father, a narcissistic or borderline mother is no different. With H, everything is only about them.

Money is merely a tool of fear to empower the whole dynamic of fear obligation and guilt. So much of what we consider a traditional child-rearing actually contributes to the whole dynamic of emotional blackmail.

Whenever children are treated as possessions who are to be seen and not heard or treated as little goddesses or gods something is horribly wrong.

Since it is usually a female relative who does the caregiving, one would thnk that the mother would show her appreciation. In so e cases maybe the mother had a rough time during her childhood. Still therenis no excuse for laying on emtional blackmail. From my experience, dealing with this is very difficult especially if your childhood was traditional. You know the old "children are to be seen and not heard" mentality. Also agree with the connection between emotional blackmail and money. I think that the money aspect is a powerful tool, especially if the femaol caregiver is struggling financially. The parent plays on it to get their own way and take control. What these people don't realize is that resentment builds up in the caregiver. The controlling party gets so wrapped up in their own world that when the caregiver has to tend to their own needs,these people put up a fuss.

vidya1904,

Yes, for many it does continue after marriage for neither it, nor advanced education, or professional achievements will defeat its power until detaching with love by setting boundaries with real consequences, placing and keeping oneself on your own healthy path no matter what and facing three realities 1. You didn't make them how they are! 2. You can't control them! 3. You can't fix them!

All much easier said than done and that's why a person needs a well trained and experienced therapist to make it through the journey.

I would suggest reading the thread

"The Power of Emotional Blackmailers: What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

In my case , this continues after marriage too. Keep commenting about my parenting style , about my in laws behaviour , character. About my husband all the time. Threatening that I will end up a bad life if I don't understand or appreciate her comments (so called care) . Taking the breath of my soul while battling with these.
I havent found a better way to deal with this emotional balckmail yet. Luckily mine is love marriage and I always discuss with my sweet love to resolve mental conflicts.
Otherwise these blackamails are intimidating.

Thanks for you reply. Healing the inner child is not a self-help journey by pulling oneself up by their bootstraps. The journey really needs a professional therapist. Part of this inner healing is learned to detach the hurt inner child and detach yourself as an adult who is not bound by the emotional quagmire of one's childhood.

Some impatience is normal. Continued impatience often means help is needed.

Are you still married? If so, what does he think of all of this?

Cmagnum : I have read about hearing the "inner parent", so I am cautious and make myself aware of that. Otherwise, I'm sorry you are confused. I was in Germantown when I joined this group years ago, before I was married, and when my father was alive. ( Probably should have changed that in the profile. ) The rest is quite involved, and I don't think I will go into all of that right now, because the story just doesn't extend as far as all that, I was trying to spare us all of the minute details. The trouble has been that I am impatient with my Mum, and wish I weren't. I have received some very kind and helpful answers both here, and in my email. Thank you all.

Maybe I am not following your story well. So, help me understand?

Your profile says Location: Germantown, TN

It also says, your mother is in her home in Alabama.

I don't quite understand the in and out of the country. Do you want to live here and care for your mother?

Who cares for your mother when you have to leave the country because of immigration laws?

How long do you have to stay out of the country?

What country are you from?

Aren't these trips expensive?

How long can you maintain this going back and forth?

Why are you dong this for such an abusive person?

Do you have a life, job, and house of your own overseas that you maintain?

As you can tell, I'm confused. Please clarify my confusion?

For some, the bondage reaches out beyond the grave for the abusive voice is still in their head. This is when some very serious counseling is needed.

Dear Ashlynn - I get that. Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones, I can see where it might even carry on afterwards. I am inclined to say, "I'm so sorry" to you, but I think, "Congratulations" are more in order. And "Bless You."

I see my mother in all these stories. Someone commented that you'll never be free until they die and it was that way for me. My mother, in a NH the past 3 years, passed away a few weeks ago. In accordance with her wishes I scattered her ashes and felt absolutely nothing. I'm finally free.

NomdeVoyage, you have been heard!
I really believe you can learn to stick up for yourself, spending time reading about the toxic relationships on here, especially written by cmagnum and others.
How do I know? From recent personal experience.

These were all important stories for me to read, I have one too, and I'm hoping for advice, or at least some support, and I'll try to not bog down in the details. I'm mums sole caregiver, and she sure needs one. Only child, both our husbands are dead. She has always been difficult, and I have been doing pretty well, really, but tonight I could use a little help. My Mum thinks she's Elizabeth Taylor or some such.Well, not really, but a Big Deal, Big Wheel, Better Than the Rest, and Entitled like you wouldn't believe. I don't appreciate having to do this, but if God entrusts me to do such a miserable job, He must have great faith in ME, because He believes I can do it, so I will. Today was rough. Nothing is ever enough. I say, "Look, I took care of this and this and this!", all important and hard things to do, and done well. But instead of, "Wow! It's super!", she gives me, "O, but I see you didn't do this this and this!" I am pulling out every grain of patience I have, and it's failing me. I could tell her the sky is blue, and she would contradict me. Maybe it's passive aggressive, but I don't know why, I have been a cheerful, delightful, efficient slave. Today I think she disagreed with everything I said, just to be contrary. Still hanging on to my patience. It has been pointed out to me that she hates my computer, my friends, the book I'm trying to read, and the one show I want to watch - just one, but it's my favourite, only a half hour - Because it takes me away from my being her bottomless receptacle. She agreed to let me see my show today, and then interrupted me every three minutes, so it was useless, and I gave up in absolute frustration, which I guess she takes it to me that she won that game. ( If I want to see it, I can go ahead, but she'll make it miserable for me. ) I have some personal things going on, and I need SOME space to either work it out or forget it for half an hour. But by God, I was NOT going to see that show. So I finally did lose it, and she's mad, and began to cry, and then was nasty and disagreeable for the rest of the evening. Now I have guilt, but I really, really do think I deserve just one or two little things for myself, because the entire rest of my life is devoted to her. So there's my story, I needed to vent it, and I just wonder if anyone has a little encouragement for me. I don't drive a car, and she doesn't go anywhere, so I am trapped with her continuously. I'd really like to do better, and I think that guilt thing is an UNFAIR card to play. I am also Sick To Pieces of aaallll the stories over and over, she is the heroine of every last one, the most beautiful, most sought-after, men pining and dying right and left for the privilege of kissing the ground she flies over. Hell, she was even the heroine in MY car accident, and she was three states away. Thanks for listening, folks.