Moved widowed father into new larger home, giving him master bedroom…for the sake of him having company of me my husband and kids, not for the sake of caregiving.
He has yet to move in or sell his home …but bought couches TVs a bed. Per agreed he was supposed to put his house up for sale, move all in, and start paying rent two months ago.
None of that happened. He keeps saying next week next week and snaps at me when I confront him.
I am sharing half a fridge for a family of 7, he is in living room all evening my husband and I get no downtime just watch him pass out on recliner that does not fit into our living room that we had no say in on purchase, he walks in briefs through my husbands work calls, not flushing toilet, he does not clean whatsoever, interact much, is living out of shopping bags in master bedroom…all of these behaviors he did not exhibit at his own house.
He goes to his unsold house for 8 hours a day and then back here morning and evening, not doing anything over there.
Im thinking we need to have the talk of assisted living but I can’t wrap my head around his odd behaviors here. I feel like I have a squatter.
Edit: widowed 2 years, has mobility, car..just moved him in for companionship not caregiving, his mental status? Unsure
If you are not his PoA I would make the case as to why he needs to get his legal ducks in a row (mostly because as he ages and experiences incapacity without a PoA then he will surely become a ward of the county with a 3rd party court-appointed guardian who will be calling all the shots).
If he won't do this then I would work on getting him out of the home asap. It's a good thing he hasn't sold his house yet... move him back there using a "therapeutic fib" such as: our house has a [gas leak, black mold, bed bugs] whatever you think he will buy. Once he is out of your house you will have breathing room to figure out what next. He can hire in-home companion aids. Mostly he just needs to be out of his house since now you know it will not work to have him live with you, and his care needs and behavior will only get worse and worse.
Yes, he seems like he's either depressed or having a cognitive/memory problem. Mostly work on getting him out of your house first so that you don't have to literally evict him. This isn't cruel. Your marriage and family are the priority. They can't be if everyone in your home is walking on eggshells or orbiting around his needs and behaviors.
IL or AL would be good for him socially. It's not your job to be his entertainment committee. You're not responsible for his happiness. You can't have his happiness for him. You can still help him if you wish and he doesn't need to live with you to do it.
Unlike our last poster who rendered care for a long time only to end with nothing, at least you were charging rental (which by the way is the WRONG way to go about it because it has taxation repercussions for you whereas a "care contract" that included "shared living expenses" would not.
You cannot afford to be wrong about making these moves. Presumably you KNEW this man before inviting him into your home?
If not, you certainly do now.
See an eviction attorney, do this right, and make your home open to VISITS ONLY. The furniture will be stipulated as to when and how it should be removed, or will end yours to sell or remove.
Time to start doing things right, or this will be the awful lesson. Take heart, for you have made it a lesson also for others.
As I just finished typing above, in another response, you need to be up front, honest and get it in writing if you are planning to take in a senior.
1. Get a care contract for shared living costs
2. Define expectations as to private time and private space
3. Define how often the situation will be reassessed (every six months works) as to whether it is working for ALL family members. When it isn't working for ONE then the senior faces placement in care.
I wish you good luck. You are going to have to have a sit down and discuss the hard facts, because trust me, if this is how it STARTS it is NOT going to end well.
Okay, I made up that statistic, but from reading many many many posts here about the exact same situation you’re experiencing, one tends to think it’s What They Do.
The solution is to sell his house and use the proceeds to keep him in a continuum of care facility that starts with independent living and graduates to memory and skilled nursing care. That way you have a plan in place for when he starts to go downhill. Which he already is.
Every widower or widow that I know who chose a retirement place is thriving, going on planned outings, enjoying the food, laundry services, the group trips to someplace interesting and the joy of no responsibility other than showing up for the fun. The miserable ones are those who want to stay in their homes. That time has passed for your dad and he needs to move on to a place that will help him regain happiness. It won’t be your house.
Now the deed is partially done but the house is not sold maybe he can move back in there, which maybe better for all, if he refuses to go to AL.
What are his physical and mental capabilities? You don't say much about that
I am also wondering if his wife, your Mil has recently passed and that's why you moved him in. If this is the case I'm sure he is very depressed and will cause worse mental decline. It sounds like he misses his home very very much and he just can't let it go. Which is understandable, specially if he raised his children there and had his family there. Home is where his memories are, it's probably his happy place.
I think all 3 of you need to reassess this situation and work on something that works for all of you. This is obviously not going to work.
If you are already having issues with this arrangement (understandably) just think of the years and years and added caregiving through the years. And no alone time or privacy for you and hubby. It will most definitely put a huge strain on your relationship.
I spent the day with mom yesterday, sitting outside watching birds, listening to one story after another about her childhood. Not sure whats real what's not, came home and my husband wanted to fill me on his day. My mind wanted to blow up , not living with mom can very much cause a strain in are relationship. I can't even imagine living with them
Best of luck to you and your family
As to his behaviors - that is who he is, accept it and don't think it would get better if he moved in. Based on his current behaviors I would expect things to get worse the longer he lived with you.
Home Care Doesn't Work. Get him into AL, and get your life (and house) back.