He has lived with us since before my mom passed in 2014. He isn’t as sharp as he used to be but mostly is just mean. He is negative and unpleasant to be around a lot of the time. He manages his own bank account and credit card ect. He will not agree to placement or dr appts very often either. So far he manages around the house, I clean and drive him where he wants to go. He cooks for himself because mine is too rich or salty, or upsets his stomach in some way. I did talk him into medical cannabis which has helped his back and hip pain. He has neuropathy so his balance is bad and has a lot of nerve pain. This situation puts a lot of strain on me, my husband and daughter.since He will not agree to placement, it would be by force. My brother lives states away and does not help at all. I feel like maybe I should have POA but he doesn’t. I am executer of his will only. I can’t force him to do the things people on this site suggest. What Can I do?
You are left with one choice. Your father, given you took him into your home is now a renter there. You would have to evict him. I would sit him down and let him know that living with you is not working and he will have to leave. I would tell him I would help him find a room or a studio somewhere, but that he would otherwise be evicted.
You would require an attorney to do an eviction. Sorry, those are the real facts; there aren't many choices when you made the choice to take in an elder you now don't wish to live with.
You can get together with your brother and choose to download the PoA documents from either Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com. They have everything you need for much less money, including access to talk directly with lawyers who practice elder law in your home state. You go through the paperwork with Dad, you check off all the boxes that will allow you to act on his behalf, and then you take it to a notary, with your Dad, and have it signed per the requirements of your state (often needs 2 non-family witnesses and if you have it notarized at a bank they will provide those witnesses). This is how I did it with my Mom and MIL. You may also want to do your own PoA at the same time with either your spouse or kids to demonstrate to your Dad that you're willing to do it, too.
Negativity, stubbornness and lack of empathy for others are the early symptoms of dementia. Often, it comes with depression as well. You can try to have a Zoom medical appointment with his doctor to get him started on some meds. I just did this successfully with my 94-yr old Mom (but in this case she asked for the meds). So far, they are helping her. If you can get this far he may be easier to reason with.
AlvaDeer is correct that the other option is to evict him since your home is his legal residence, and then he'd need to have a place lined up to go that he's willing to pay for. He won't be happy with any change that takes place. This sounds awful and it would be awful for a little while but once he's out, it will be better for everyone.
You just have to make sure that you don't allow the hospital to talk you into taking him back home with promises of all they can do for him/you, as they're all lies.
So get the line "he's an unsafe discharge" down pat until it rolls off your tongue easily, and get him placed.
And don't worry, at 92 there's bound to be an emergency right around the corner.