My Father is married and lives in a one bedroom apartment. My Father had a major stroke back in 2012. His wife, who was a nurse at the time, saw him having the stroke and claims she did not know it was happening. She was sitting right in front of him, his mouth was twisted and he was slurring in his words. She called me on the phone and had me listen to him talk. I yelled at her dumb butt to call 911. To make a long story short, my dad is partially paralyzed on the right side of his body. In 2023, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 renal and is now going to dialysis three times a week. There have been two times already he was trying to call his wife to pick him up and she did not answer the phone. My father sat at the dialysis unit for 2 hours waiting on her. It went as far as the dialysis unit calling me to pick him up and I live 30-35 miles away from where he was. I informed my boss, clicked out of work, got in my Jeep, and a minute later my dad called me stated she was there to get him. I was very angry. Not only that their apartment is filthy and needs to be thoroughly cleaned. They have a dead turtle in a big tank with a towel over it that has all types of germs and bacteria. I have visited my dad 3 times within 2 months and the tank is still the same. My dad is very sick and breathing this crap in causing him to get sicker. His wife has a 40 year old son that stays there with them who is on drugs. I feel his wife is using drugs as well. I don't like what my dad is going through, but he married this person. Is there anything that I can do to make things better for my dad? Being as though, she has him living in this filth, can there be some kind of Social Services visit or something? This is not good and I don't like it or her. Never did!
Dialysis is hard on a person and unless they still moderately mobile, it is going to be harder still. Mark (my husband) just started dialysis after teetering between IV and V renal failure and he is wiped out totally for two days after he has it. It might be time to think of him being in assisted living or in a more skilled setting that will make sure his needs are being cared for. Is he able to go to the bathroom and wash himself? We all have bacteria on our body and if he has a weak immune system the slightest thing can send the body into a tailspin. I would be concerned about salmonella which turtles naturally carry on their body as well as all the other germs that come from decay.
What about his mental health? Drugs are bad and even worse around someone who is ill, I would call APS and inform them of the situation.
I would call APS for a wellness check, because of the dead animal being stored, something very amiss with that behavior.
My dad married a whore, straight from a brothel and he got to live in misery and filth because of his choices. I learned that I could not care more about him then he did, no matter how ill he became. He did eventually get out of the situation and we helped him. Unfortunately, once his health was better, he went right back into the pit and that's where he died, right where he wanted to be.
Do the best you can but, realize he is where he wants to be and you trying to help can cause you unnecessary grief and upset him when he needs all his strength to get through his day.
Great big warm hug! This situation just stinks and it is not how parent and child relationships are suppose to be but often are. Prepare yourself for anything at this point.
The language you use in your note to us indicates that clearly.
And clearly, with the dead turtle in the tank and the description of filth and germs, there are problems here that are beyond the wife's ability to handle. She may have been an RN, but that's not here nor there; seems that she is now simply a failing elder housing an addicted son.
You are going to need to speak privately with your father. First do know that this stroke would almost certainly have had this outcome, and that he is on dialysis and a very ill man. He is seeing, clearly, some doctors, and if you are his POA you need to discuss the unsanitary living conditions and ask for social services help.
Short of that I will recommend that you read this letter you wrote to us (without such statements as "dumb butt") to APS over the phone and tell them your father is helpless, housed in squalor and that his wife may no longer be competent in his care. Also do inform them of your suspicions of a son with drug addiction being house by the couple. Ask them for a wellness check.
I wish you luck and I hope that you will update us.
Sorry, this is a serious situation and your father--I am certain your know this--would be much better off in care from the sound of it.
Neither dad nor wife seems capable of living alone now. The conditions you've described are not what a normal person wants. As for the druggie son, wife has a right to invite anyone she wants into her home. Now that he's there, it may be really difficult to get him out.
I hope that social services can help you, so good luck.
I am your Dad's age, and if his wife is around his age, I know the feeling. I use to be a gym rat, use to be able to work in the yard for 8 hours. Not anymore. My yard work now is 15 minutes at the most, the gym a long ago memory. Age catches up.
Your Dad needs to hire someone to come in to help, be it just house cleaning, or with helping him. Is that something your Dad would agree with? I know not all parents want help, my Mom didn't when she and my Dad were in their 90's.
1. Call Adult Protection Services (APS) and tell them of your concern.
2. You can call your State's Elder Abuse hotline and report your concerns as well.
The two calls will probably go to the same agency that will handle the investigation.
You may have to file for Guardianship. If you can't do that if the reports are "founded" the court may appoint a Guardian.