How should I respond when my husband (91 with dementia) asks me after family has visited our home, "who were those people?"They were his niece and her family. He asks things like, "Was she ever here before?" (Yes, many times.) "Are they blood relations?"
He has not wanted to leave our house for about two years: I mean not even stepping out a door. He's "seen everything."
He seems agitated if I tell him the truth, as if he knows he should remember them. His speech is still very normal-sounding, so this is disconcerting to me.
I didn't push her too much as she seemed to be happy to see them, although I had to have the same conversation over and over. I even said a few of the relatives were older and for all you know their minds might be going so the kind thing to do was be friendly if she didn't mind having them there lol. That got a good reaction. She said that was terrible, when people get old like that and lose their minds. But of course she would let them visit even if she didn't really know them at all. She felt bad they had no family!
So I guess I would tell you to try and find out if he is unhappy having any visitors at all, or if it is specifically the fact that he doesn't recognize them as relatives that is stressing him out. Maybe you could try telling him that no one has to be a blood relative to have a friendly visit.
For example...Hi Uncle Bob, I'm your niece Peggy and this is my husband Joe.
Now your husband may forget their names later but it may help make him feel more comfortable when people come to visit.
Assuming these relatives want to come for their own benefit rather than his, I vote for telling them to come rarely and briefly. Say it tires him out and he’s easily confused.
Tell him the truth, briefly. I like the “we all forget things sometimes.”
When my dad started confusing relatives, such as my son and my brother, the first time I would say “that’s [son’s name], my son — not [brother’s name] — but they do look a lot alike.” After the first time, I would let it go unless it was in front of others and clearly bothering them.
Stick to husband’s routine, and things will go much more smoothly.
He asks, you answer him truthfully. It might bother him that he doesn't remember, but that is the reality he is living in now. Just let him digest the information and don't argue with him if his logic disagrees with the reality.
If he starts really questioning or saying something that is wrong, you can give as simple an answer as possible, (if at all) and gently guide the conversation to a different topic.
I would be agitated, too, if I was introduced to family members I don't recognize. The fear that I'm losing my mind, or that everyone around me is lying (paranoia) are both equally scary.
You can ask family members and friends to avoid stopping by. If he doesn't remember those people, it is of no benefit to him, and probably just an agitation. His world is closing up, getting smaller. He hasn't wanted to leave the comfort and safety of his house. He still seems to trust you.
He will benefit now from a very simple, boring, consistent routine. Anything like perceived strangers stopping by is going to agitate him because it's not part of his expected daily routine.
My husband is at this stage too. He doesn't even like talking on the phone with his sons because it's keeping him from watching his tv show.
Please remember that you do not have to carry this weight alone. When the days feel too long and the emotional toll becomes overwhelming, reaching out for support isn't a sign of weakness—it's an act of love for both of you. Finding a compassionate caregiver or a supportive family network can provide the rest you need to continue showing up as your best self.
And of course your husband doesn't want to leave your home as that is very common with folks with dementia. I'm sure he feels much safer at home in his own little world, and he doesn't have to pretend that he's fine when he knows that he's not. Plus he doesn't have to break his routine which is so very important when folks have dementia, as they do much better with their daily routine.