After 50 years of marriage, my husband has Cognitive Decline. He was a good provider and we have had a good life. Now, I take care of everything. He does nothing and makes horrible financial decisions. In the past 9 months I have taken over all our finances. When he found out that I became the representative payee for his social security he was beyond angry. I found out later that the money was mostly being spent on someone else for about a year and he was having a relationship with her. I had suspicions but didn't think it was so. Ladies, always trust your suspicions, check them out and trust yourself!! I was short money every month and was asking him for extra while he was essentially supporting this woman. He is very impulsive and as I was trying to move money to my POA and was trying to gain control, I had to hide info, it was a nightmare to do it secretly. I'm so glad I did though!! I didn't find out about him secretly meeting her until a couple of weeks ago and I'm still fuming. There is no reasoning with him, no logic, no empathy to me. He was paying her as a former employee. He told her he would be able to come back to work and she could still work for him even though he was told he couldn't. He strung her along so she would stay. Says a lot about her too. It's really not surprising that with his cognitive decline and executive function problems that he would be impulsive and not be able to manage money. At this point it's such a strain on me to constantly hide info, monitor calls, mail, etc. I'm really the money police so we can live a decent life. On top of that it's a constant problem because he doesn't have the money he wants. I am going to give him a little money to spend but haven't gotten our finances worked out so that can be a regular thing thereby making life more peaceful. I'm getting close to being at my breaking point. I've been there from step one. 3 years ago he had NPH and 2 vascular ischemic strokes, got a shunt, had physical therapy and I guess the biggest thing is he just doesn't get it and wants to be emotionally abusive about the money. I've had to get an attorney to get this woman to leave my husband and me alone about the money. Essentially hubby wanted to give her one more payment that he had promised her and he bullied me to go along with it so she could be done with us. My attorney wrote a letter that she has to sign to essentially go away and not bother us anymore. It's been a nightmare. I wonder what the criteria is for someone who has cognitive decline, executive function problems, can't sleep at night, I have to monitor his meds, whether he's had a shower or brushed his teeth, he is angry about money... I've decided he's just generally mad at everything. He blames me for everything. His diagnosis, his lack of money (after racking up $50,000 in credit card debt, paying his woman on the side approx. $3,000 a month, and on and on). I would be in the poor house if I hadn't started taking over everything. I still have to watch his every attempt to get control again. Credit card companies, loan offers in the mail. It's crazy!!!! Sorry about the rant but what constitutes putting him in an assisted living? ;) Half joking.
You are taking control of all the money and it seems, trying to take control of his actions (like showering, brushing his teeth, mis-managing money). Of course he could go to assisted living, or memory care, if you have POA to place him. Assisted Living will cost between $5,000 and $10,000 a month. He will have freedom to come and go as he pleases, he can not be held captive in AL, so he will probably not stay. Some memory care homes have security measures in place for the safety of residents with cognitive impairment.
If you are still trying to get finances under control, it doesn't sound like you can afford those options right now. It sounds to me like you are trying to protect your own financial security. You could meet with an elder law attorney and see about separating your finances, even separating from your husband if he is becoming too much for you to handle. You want all of the money and none of the trouble. You will have to decide how much more you can take and if it is worth it. He could go on like this for 10 more years. He will continue to decline. In time, (years?) he could become easier to manage. Or he could do even crazier stuff!
What I know is that you need to obtain both of your credit reports from all 3 Credit Reporting agencies. Do that now.
There are no adequate words to cover how bad this is for you, and I am sorry you are going through this.
Next time he falls, do not pick him up, do not go near him. Call 911 to take him for evaluation, saying you are not comfortable with him staying in his condition because he has pushed you in the past.
Honestly I'm doing a balancing act.
I understand it can't be good for him to drink but the neurosurgeon, the Internist, the neurologist, and all the other doctors haven't said a thing about it although they all know. I think it's a balancing act. What works and what doesn't. What can I tolerate? The beer or the hell if he doesn't get it. Is it all that bad? Like I said I'm going to have him checked by the Neurologist and hopefully get his honest opinion and a plan of action.
Thanks everyone!
Thanks Geaton777
Hugs
Is he on any medication for depression, agitation, anxiety? If not -- and if he resists it --- the carrot on the end of the stick for him to take medications willingly is an allowance. Refuse medication? No money for him.
As others have suggested, make sure to freeze his credit. Don't give him cash but instead pre-paid Visa cards or gift cards.
FYI he is not a candidate for AL since he most likely would be a flight risk. MC is where he most likely needs to be. I'm so sorry for the both of you -- it pains me to think that our familys' final memories of us are of unrecognizable, out-of-control seniors. Hang in there and kudos to you for doing a exausting but necessary job. May you receive relief and continued wisdom, as well as peace in your heart on this journey.
My dad was quite similar —very angry and suspicious — and he was also giving money away and ransacking his retirement savings. He was also damaging the house with his crazy obsessions. It was hard to get him diagnosed and she was resistant too but thank goodness I insisted. He was diagnosed with bvFTD. I had durable POA and my mom didn’t have the courage to stand up to him on much of anything so I had to have him declared incompetent and get him blocked from his own accounts from afar and canceling his credit cards then helping her apply for cards in her name only which she had never had before. He had an obsession with the mail and always got to it first and would hide or destroy important things so that was a nightmare too.
He was very angry about all limits and never understood why due to agnosognosia. He just saw us as his prison wardens. We had to take away driving too and hide ladders, that kind of thing. Meds helped calm his agitation and fixations but did not totally eliminate them.
Even with everything he was putting her through she never agreed to put him in memory care. I moved them up near me and eventually he became weak and went into home hospice. If it had been up to me, he would have gone into memory care. My mom was on the edge of having a nervous breakdown for maybe 3-4 years and contemplated ending it all more than once. She’s only just now starting to feel herself again and it’s close to two years since he passed.
Please don’t let that be you.
He also became crazy obsessed with the schedule early on. Like if my mom didn’t have dinner on the table by 6;00 on the dot, he would become quite agitated. If he couldn’t get to bed by the time he wanted, he might shove her out of the way to get there.
Later, this changed completely and he barely spoke at all, and he lost the concept of day and night.
I won't let him hurt me. If I feel threatened I won't hesitate to call someone. I also have a dead bolt on my bedroom door. (Had his mom living with us and had strangers in the house.)
I'm not taking this lightly. I know he could hurt me if he wanted to. I do realize the possibilities.
I don't even know how to start with the AL. I don't have my finances in order yet!
It is so darn costly but would certainly give me some non stressful days.
Thank you for your input!
I'd be seeing a lawyer at this point, since you've been cheated on as well as dealing with a demented, abusive Husband who you simply can't trust.
Time to protect yourself and your future. Plus get out from under the stress and intimidation of your Husband. My Ex was a similar PIA, who couldn't handle money anymore, his hygiene went downhill, he was testy and mean all the time. His HOA that evicted him (for refusing to pay HOA dues) tried to take all his equity and keep it. Once I figured out this was going on, I got a DPOA (for controlling his money) signed and notarized, before I went after his equity ($225,000). I got it back, put most in a Jumbo CD, and left extra liquid. He needed furniture for a new apt. and to pay me back for my expenses helping him.
So have a chat with that lawyer, to find out how you need to protect yourself from your Husband's abuse and selfishness. Hell, I'd get him kicked out and placed in an AL. Just focus on your needs and future, and watch your back 24/7.
Sorry this happened to you. Men can be such fools. I've lived alone 26 years and love it. No cooking, cleaning up and doing everything for a jerk.
Paying this woman on the side and seeing her is a betrayal of your trust, to say the least. HE is not going to see it that way, of course, because he's lost his empathy, his sense of right and wrong, his filters. That's how dementia presents itself, unfortunately. In his mind, he's right and everybody else is wrong. Period. He's totally self centered and nobody is going to get through to him on any subject.
He should not be driving under any circumstances. He should not be drinking as doing so will only speed up the dementia and likely worsen his agitation. Meds are available for agitation and antidepressants for depression, which most dementia sufferers need. My mother needed both. (I read some of your previous posts)
I hope you have POA for your husband. If so, and when the time comes, you CAN place him in Memory Care Assisted Living against his will if necessary. You can do as you wish with the finances, and keep credit cards away from him entirely.
I recommend a very good book called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. You can get it on Amazon for a very low price. She will explain his actions and thinking to you in a much better way than I can. In plain English, too. The 36 Hour Day is another good book, more of a reference manual to look up certain behaviors or get certain questions answered as needed.
I'm very sorry you're going through this terrible journey with DH, dementia is a horrible thing and a no win situation for all concerned. Please try to take care of YOURSELF now, it's very important. And if DH gets angry and threatens you or raises a hand to you, call 911 immediately and have him taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. Don't think, "oh he can never hurt me".....he CAN, because his mind is now compromised and no longer working properly. He's no longer the man you once knew.
Best of luck to you.
My sister worked in a law office years ago and encouraged us to get a durable POA for health and finance. After his shunt placement I made an appointment to update our Will and it was the best thing we could have done.
Thank you for your advice and I will read those books.
I walk every day for my body and mind. Sometimes twice and go to my Internist twice a year. I swore I wouldn't take drugs for anxiety before he did. I need to check with his neurologist to see what he recommends. Hubby checks his pills when he takes them and if something changes he asks about it so I'll have to think up something creative before I put them in his pill case.
Yes, he does drink. I leave the room after the 1st one because he gets mean. He said he drinks only 1 tall beer but it was 2, now he's drinking 3. I have tried to stop that or at least convince him to cut down to no avail. He's sadly a different person. It breaks my heart that he just doesn't care. He wants what he wants and will make life hell if he doesn't get it. Our CPA has been so helpful and fair. My sister told me yesterday that he doesn't sound like the same person and my husband told me yesterday that he thought he was getting better. I really appreciate everyone and I am fortunate to have support but I don't want to whine too much.
Thanks so much for your good advice. The truth is what I need because sometimes I live in crazy town!
Hugs