He had a mini stroke in February due to uncontrolled diabetes and heavy smoking. He was barely able to walk, but has worked hard to get that back. Now that he is walking and gained functionality back he’s reverting to his old habits. Doesn’t wear CGM and is up to a pack of cigarettes a day, easily. There’s nothing I can say to change his behavior. He just gets furious. The idea of what the next stroke could bring has me so stressed and I feel so un-cared for. My strategy has been ignoring him and that is just causing both of us stress. How can I deal with this? Is there a way to think about this that isn’t personal ? Am I being selfish?
I am speaking here of another addiction entirely--alcoholism. But destructive habitual behaviors are all more similar than we know.
I am certain that you told your husband that you feel uncared for. But the sad truth is that this is about HIM, not about you. And about his inability to stop self-destructing. He doesn't want help. He cannot change until he does.
I can't think of another way to approach this but for you to help for yourself from a psychologist or a LSW in private practice. It is going to be crucial ongoing that you don't waste energy trying to change the things that cannot be changed (as the serenity prayer says). Addiction is a tragedy that visits its pain not only on the victim but on entire families, and my heart goes out to you.
Diabetes is different. Does he know enough about where it will all lead if he ignores it (dialysis) and other health problems? Has he considered a support group?
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that couples therapy would be the first strategy as a shot over his bow if he doesn't start making some changes.
I also agree with BurntCaregiver that you need help with the other care receivers in your life. IMO to help your marriage you may need to consider finding alternate care for them, not from you. Burnout will not help your relationship.
In the end, your hubs is an adult who's had his whole life to plan for his senior years. You will need to decide what you're willing to tolerate and what's the dealbreaker. If he knows what this is for you, and still does nothing to improve, then he's making the decision to throw it all away and maybe be alone. Don't make threats you aren't willing to act upon. I wish you much wisdom and clarity as you work to save your marriage.
He would eat junk behind my back. He had a congenital heart condition. I took him to many, many cardiology appointments because he wouldn't go on his own. The doctors would warn him too.
He died of a heart attack. Am sure it was brought on by his terrible eating habits.
I did the best I could. I accept that.
So do something about it. Bring in help.
As for your husband. He's a grown man and he's going to do whatever he wants.
I quit smoking a few years ago when I got Covid. I had been a smoker since I was a kid. I had two husbands nagging me about quitting. I broke my boy's heart every time he saw me smoke because he knew it was dangerous. My nasty bully of a mother never shut up about it. My entire life.
None of it got me to quit though and none of it will get your man to either. I was so sick for so long with Covid that I didn't even really have any withdrawl symptoms. So when I recovered I figured I'd try to keep it going and I have for almost three years now. It's a struggle though.
How you can deal with it is get separated or divorced. That's an option if living with him is too stressful. I understand where you're coming from because my first husband was an alcoholic. He was a wonderful man and I loved him very much, but I left. I couldn't live with him drinking himsef to death which is what he did.
Ignoring the problem won't help either. Tell your husband straight that his smoking and uncontrolled diabetes will result in something catastrophic happening then his life will not be in his control anymore. If he doesn't die from the next stroke, he will be living out his days in a nursing home. His life will be beyond your control too.
You have to make him understand this. If he refuses to then your best bet would be to leave.
Is he frustrated? Scared? Angry? A combination of these? Does he get support or advice from his medical team - beyond "stop smoking!" "watch your sugar numbers!" and "here's some medication"? What sort of medical team does he have? Does he see an endocrinologist about his diabetes? A nutritionist? Does he even have a clear understanding about what foods might cause his sugar to rise, and what he can eat safely to keep his numbers in check? Had he been working hard at making changes and then STILL suffered a mini stroke, leading to a "why bother?" mentality?
Either quitting smoking or changing lifelong eating habits are two very difficult things to undertake successfully, and your DH needs to do both at the same time. That's tough. Even with tons of support, he will need ironclad willpower. Do you think, realistically, he has that in him?
I'm not trying to be negative or nasty. You asked how YOU can deal with this. I'm sorry to say that if your DH has made up his mind to ignore his health issues, then the only thing you can do is set your limits and stick by them. It would not be unreasonable for you to tell him that if/when he becomes "too much" (and you have to decide what that line in the sand is) you will cease to be his hands-on caregiver. And whether that means placement in a facility or home-based care by outside caregivers is a decision you will have to make, based on your own resources and tolerances.
But I suggest, before you go the ultimatum route - which doesn't usually help relationships - you have a calm, rational talk with him. If he has just decided "f*** it, I'm tired of trying so hard and just want to enjoy whatever time I have left", you should point out that those questionable medical decisions won't only affect him, but you as well. That's a fair and reasonable statement. But if he is struggling with all of the changes, that's something you can help him tackle, one step at a time. One small change after another, and then hopefully his health isn't so far gone that he can't make many small improvements that will hopefully lead to better health overall.
You are not being selfish. Not knowing his reasoning behind his lack of self-care, I can't even lay selfishness at his door at this point. But an understanding of WHY he's behaving the way he is might help you to at least not take his behavior personally.
Good luck to both of you.
But I think you mean "he'll".
It's also a good idea to have information from the long-term care homes in your area so that he can have a say-so in his next-to-final destination. So get that going as well.
When the time comes that he can no longer reach the bathroom in time and you are unable to get him there, it will make it so much easier for you to already have a plan.
I'm being practical and pragmatic. Oh, and maybe get some info for women-only tours that you might enjoy. There's no reason why, once you get him settled in his new place, you can't kick up your heels and have a good time doing the things that you both hoped to do in retirement. Leave this information where he can plainly see it. He may understand what he'll be missing. If not, fine. Your life isn't over just because he's ruined his.
The addiction will trump everyone.
The following may be hard to accept, but I've seen it happen more than once in my family:
Your anger will kill you. So stop stressing today over your husband's refusal to take care of himself and start taking care of yourself before he outlives you, stops his addiction and dances off into his future without you.
Peace.
You matter too, and your husband doesn't seem to bother with that fact. He's choosing his path, despite or because of depression or other factors, which is overcomplicating your path.
Ask him and demand an answer from him about what is HIS responsibility to:
- YOU
- YOUR HEALTH, and does your health matter to him?
- His household
- His father
Then ask: Dear husband, what are YOU going to do to fulfill your responsibilities?
The focus on that high pedestal seems to be on what's best for him, but you deserve to be on that high pedestal right along with him. You matter, LorBlyn. You matter very much.
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