Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
Here is what I think. Mom has Dementia and left FIL because of it. He could have said something that just set her off. Its the Dementia. How old is FIL? Is his health good? If so she is his responsibility. He is going to have to deal with her health problems. He is going to need to make decisions. Maybe with his son's help but she is FILs responsibility. And if I was the Aunt, I would be furious that my nephews felt it was my responsibility to take care of their mother. If Moms 77 the Aunt is close in age.
MIL being in the hospital is a good time for FIL and sons to sit down and figure out the next step. She will probably go to rehab, let her. Medicare will pay 100% for first 20 days then 50% up to 100 days. MIL may pay $160 a day from 21 to 100 days. If FIL can't afford it, then he can apply for Medicaid.
While MIL is in rehab, get her evaluated. If its found that MIL will need 24/7 care and FIL and sons are not able to provide it, then LTC is next option. FIL will become a Community spouse. Assets will be split and MILs part will need to be spent down and then Medicaid applied for.
I am basing what I said on that in-laws don't have a lot of assets. There are ALs too. He could place Mom in one and he goes and lives with her. That way he gets 3 meals a day. A nice room/apt and he can come and go as he pleases knowing that there is staff there for Mom. Or just place her in one and visit.
Dementia is a terrible disease. You never know what someone suffering from or will do. Paranoia can set it in. MIL could hurt one of your children. Your husband has a lot on his plate too. Right now, he feels you are the person he should be able to count on and he can't because you too have a full plate. Tell husband you can support him but you cannot have a woman, who will become like a child, living with you. Its not fair for him to think you can care for one more person especially one who will need more and more care as time goes on. Is he going to come home at 9pm and give u a break. Is he going to help toilet her and diaper her.
Good Luck. I hope husbands family can come together and do what is best for MIL. Come back and tell us how it works out.
Agree if I was Aunt I'd be gobsmacked at both nephews lack of maturity.
DO NOT BRING HER TO YOUR HOUSE unless you and your husband are in agreement and you have a strong network of supports in place. Your first responsibility is to your children.
Stand your ground and call his bluff. In fact I would raise him and say YES let's get divorced! I'm ready!
How dare he pull the divorce card because you won't let his elderly mother move into your home!
I agree with all the others who said to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce. Then call his bluff and have him served. In fact file for alimony and child support NOW. Ask him where he plans to move so you can forward any mail.
Now who is going to take care of his mother?
As far as a terrible person I refuse to address that because you already know that is a lie. Know your limitations. You are a human being. Not a Saint. Were you a Saint you would die shot full of arrows and spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of people like your husband. ETERNITY. So you are a human with limitations and Mom is one major limitation in my book.
Now. Either you have a marriage in which you can talk, or you do not. With four children I am assuming you do not work full time. Your husband is, whether meaning to or not, considering you his slave to care for his progeny, to help with his business and to care for his aging mother. If this is TRULY what he expects when you sit and talk together, yes, I suggest a divorce. And I would let him know that you will be leaving the children with him so that you can get a job and support yourself. And I would let him know that one half of his assets, indeed belong to you. And I would see a divorce lawyer as in yesterday.
Never, my weakest moment alive, did I imagine I would be capable of caring for my brother in my home. I simply am not capable of that. I would tell your husband that, if he moves his mother in with you he stands an 80% chance (or better) that you will leave him with Mom and the children.
And now you need to start making yourself a life that you can sustain yourself in. Do you have friends? Go to them. Do you have accounts that are yours? See to it they remain yours; if not, before you have this heart to heart, see to it that you move some cash into an account in your name only. Things may get very ugly very fast. And the answer to all this CANNOT be that you capitulate to attempt care giving. I hope you have been on this site. I hope you see what people go through as they give up the entirety of their lives to those they care for. And they seldom have four children.
I hope you will update us. Take a deep breathe. Do not act from anger. Find friends and find support however you have to do that. Speak with your husband ONLY from a kind, slow, careful and rational heart, not in the heat of fear and pain.
All best to you. This is truly quite awful. But you know that. You must stand for yourself now, stand your ground BY yourself and FOR yourself, and ultimately for your family as well, because this, my dear would be the most unfair thing you could EVER do to four children. THEY are your family. You must act with care.
Oh, and btw, don't go solving your husband's "mother problem" for him. Bc he won't appreciate that, either, and then you'll be blamed for everything you've done, tried to do, blah blah blah. He needs to take care of his mother starting NOW.
She knew not to just barge in, but they were close at hand if she needed them. From time to time, other relatives would take her for short vacations. They lived this way for twelve years. As I said, it's not perfect, but it worked and the marriage survived.
I am on the side of getting my own lawyer ASAP and protecting myself and my children.
Threatening divorce is not a normal response to feeling "overwhelmed" or "terrified". It's extreme. When a man threatens divorce he has probably been thinking it; it doesn't just come out of nowhere. But now he needs you to take care not only of his children but also his mother.
Threatening divorce may be his way to get you to give in and do it all until his kids are out of the house and his mother is dead. And when his dad needs care, guess who your husband thinks is going to do that too or else D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
So, Tracij29, you take $1000 cash out of the bank on Black Friday and get yourself a consultation with the best divorce attorney in town. And you keep your mouth shut about it. If he asks about the money, say it was for Christmas presents. He does not need to know that you spent that money on the best Christmas present you can give yourself and your children: protection from your husband whose a real piece of work.
Sorry to be blunt but I have no respect for men like your husband. What he did was very wrong and unless he sincerely apologizes to you up and down and sideways on Sundays, I urge you to BELIEVE him when he says he will divorce you.
And start socking away cash in case your momma's-boy-husband loses his god@mn mind because he's cracking under pressure. Divorces can get real nasty real fast and you do not want to get caught empty handed with no money. Your husband may drain your bank accounts and then what are you going to do?
NYDaughterInLaw gave really sound advice. I really hope you and your husband work this out but do not hesitate to give him that divorce if he does not change his tune.
However, if this is UNCHARACTERISTIC of him and in general you have a solid marriage with a history of being able to solve problems, then try the mediation route and find out what sources of help for elders are available locally.
If she is currently in the hospital, MAKE SURE that they discharge her to rehab and not "home".
Tell DH that he must insist that letting her go to anyone's home is an "unsafe discharge". Those are the magic words.
I would be very leery of a husband who chooses his mom over his wife. Hope things work out for you.
Tonight is a perfect time for that. imo.
I knew a lady that her husband said, go take a vacation and I'll deal with the kids. Sounds like a nice considerate gesture, but when she went back the next day, less then 24 hours, the locks were changed and he had filed these charges. She never got her twins back and she had supervised visits. All because she went to take a break at his recommendation. Obviously he had it planned and he had a ho on the side, but he did it and deprived her of her children, all legal and lawful because she left her children.
I know someone that lost three kids for the same reason. The judge ended up ruling supervised visitation. Custody was awarded to the father.
Her husband immediately moved his girlfriend that he had on the side into the home before their divorce was even final. The children were devastated.
I joke - I often try humour with my DH after a horrible argument (a few days later!). But the situation is not a joke. Please update - I truly hope he has his tail between his legs, has begged forgiveness, finished his freak out & now taking steps to assist his parents.
My MIL is deceased. My husband loved his mom but he definitely wasn’t a ‘momma’s boy.
My MIL was directly responsible for him not being a ‘momma’s boy. She had three sons and she raised all of them to be independent. Thanks mom.
Yes, I happily called her mom. She was my second mom. Actually. I was closer to her than my own mother. She died too young, only 68, from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I miss her.
You want a divorce too if he moves his mother in.
You are both in agreement.
This would be a deal breaker, imo.
No matter what you and hubby do, don’t let this opportunity to get professional advice pass you by.