Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
Folks get guilted into all sorts of stuff because they think they've got an obligation to do uncompensated care of uncooperative elders, at the expense of the care of their minor children and their sanity.
We are here to call BS on that.
im sure he’d feel differently then.
what I’ve learned is that you absolutely have to consider your own physical and mental health in this. Feeling guilty only serves to weaken you even more.
You have got your hands full as it is!
I would question how much does he really love you if he’s not at all considering your health and your needs?
If your husband and his family won't have you to dump their responsibilities (to their mother) on, they will come to this conclusion as well.
As far as your husband, get that divorce, not because he wants it but because he is not pulling his weight with your reasonable needs. You keep the family home and he pays the mortgage, expenses and child support. This way you can fous your well-being on raising your children who deserve your attention and time.
So after reluctantly taking in his mom and all of the crazy crap that she did he is now impetent and has a whole lot of issues just the same as me. That was only after two years of taking care of her.
Take that to your husband.
1) give up on caregiving all together and move on with your spouse, ignoring the guilt and possibly making enemies with your family
OR
2) Do you keep up the caregiving only to wind up sacrificing your relationship to care for your demented parent. Your family will love you...but u will remain a lonely bachelor.
What you guys need is a marriage counseller....I'd like to think your husband doesn't really want a divorce....he is probably just overwhelmed and umable to express his frustration properly....as men when we get overwhelmed our emotional intelligence drops even lower (and we aregenerally bad at communicating already).
Try to imagine his position, in the short space of time he ceded care of MIL, to his brother, MIL had a stroke. Your husband is probably kicking himself thinking this wouldnt have happened if she was in the house with you guys. And your response made him feel even more alienated/atracked as he tries to think of solutions for his MIL...so he responded the only way he knew how...with a counterattack.
No man likes the idea of an elderly mom encroaching on his personal time. Do you think we find it fun when xxx with the wife is interrupted by a call from mom ?
But all this proves is that it is too much for ANY of you and MIL needs to be in a home, or living with a permanent caretaker.
I don't know either your brother or your brother-in-law, but I wouldn't be surprised if they are completely out of their comfort zone and competence to know how to begin to care for their mother. That your husband works until 8-9pm at night suggests to me that he is much more likely in his element when he is working and doing what needs to be done to keep the business going. I also wouldn't be surprised, if like most men, he isn't necessarily emotionally self-aware enough to be able to articulate how he feels or that he doesn't know what the hell to do in this situation. So he fundamentally defaults to leaning on you for help with his mom.
Men have a hard time admitting they cannot do something. It's shame. And the last person they want to confess that to is you lest they lose your respect and admiration. Unless they have a relationship with you in which you both can share your shame. It would seem, from what you've explained, that your relationships isn't quite at that level. Ultimately, he's afraid he'd lose you, but... you know the game: it's better to reject first than to be rejected.
As you've mentioned, you interpret his refusing to take care of his mom as him as refusing to accept responsibility. Yes and no. It's more complicated than that. Yes, he is running scared, so yes, he is refusing responsibility. But no, he is responsibly asking you for help. The fact is, he REALLY doesn't know what else to do. You're a mother; he probably knows you to be more nurturing and caring than he is. So he assumes YOU are more capable than he. That's hard for any man to admit... that he's weak, incompetent, unable.
So what we have here is a case of where the communication we receive may not be the real message being communicated.
Going to the extreme of expressing a divorce can mean many things. I can only speculate. But it could suggest a very loud cry for help - "I need you. I need you to help me. I need you but I don't know how to ask. I don't know where to begin. Can't you read me?? Hell, if you seriously are not willing to help me, then why did you marry me? I'm depending on you to give me face. Save me from my own shame." Yes it's an extreme, but as you know yourself, when you're stressed and at peak anxiety, it's fight or flight... and right now, he is in flee mode.
Divorce is one possible avenue. It's the seemingly "easy" answer, certainly. But it introduces a whole lot of other set of issues... just DIFFERENT problems than you have now.
There are many avenues possible. However, you two cannot think through them when you're both in a heightened emotional state. There's a breakdown of communication here.
I would recommend a professional counselor/coach to help you two communicate better and get yourselves to a place where you can discuss this rationally and in a EMOTIONALLY SAFE place for both. Affirm your love for each other and communicate from there. LISTEN, I mean really listen, from a quieted and centered place. Don't jump to making each other wrong. The fact is, you probably want the same thing.
If he wants out make sure he leaves and you stay in the home.
Talk to an attorney asap and the next time hubby has a threat let him know you've spoken to one he'll either storm out or cut the crap...
Anytime either partner throws the term divorce around it's time to reevaluate your relationship.
Think about flight attendant safety instructions. Put YOUR mask on first, THEN your child's!
You MUST save YOURSELF first, in order to save your children! IF, after saving them, you have more energy, then you can TRY to save your spouse from his irrational ideas, because they will quickly destroy him too.
Your ONLY obligation is to care for YOURSELF so you are ABLE to care for and RAISE YOUR CHILDREN to be HEALTHY, productive members of society.
If MIL moves in, it WILL harm you, it WILL harm your children, it WILL harm your marriage, and in the end, it WILL harm your MIL too. Her condition will only worsen, and even going in to that situation, you'd already be in an overwhelming, unmanageable situation.
You will NOT help ANYONE by destroying your own family life. In the end, EVERYBODY WILL lose.
The hospital has resources to help determine the possible options for the APPROPRIATE next steps for your MIL's care... and it's NOT YOU!
Please update us all here, we want to help you through this.
You are a realist, and he's clueless. Caring for someone who wanders requires 24/7 care. Someone has to stop working because once they are under your roof, the confused person becomes the household's responsibility. To inadequately provide supervision can become elder abuse. Elder abuse is also a criminal offense. If you cannot play the role of caregiver, DO NOT DO IT. Trust me she will get far, far worse. What you are going through now are the "good old days." Try changing her diapers and inducing bowel movements, and cleaning up her private parts because stool got in there--which in itself predisposes them to frequent urinary tract infections (UTIs). UTIs will make them very loopy and ultra confused; some even get aggressive. So frequent emergency room visits. Even if you go the hospice route, they don't help you other than give you supplies. Over 99% of the care will still fall on the family. You have to keep the skin really clean because their tissues get very delicate and you can get bed sores, which requires daily aggressive treatment. Try changing a dressing daily or even more if they stool on it, for MONTHS until it heals...then another one forms. Been there, done that. But when mom finally died years later, and 15 years of struggle with Alzheimer's, mum's skin was in great condition without a single sore. Unable to respond to the environment, I had to do range of motion exercises a few times a day--everyday--to prevent contracted (permanently locked) arms and legs. She was actually healhty with her feeding tube (eventually she needed one or die of dehydration), but it was liver cancer and liver failure that killed her--from onset of symptoms to death took a few days. And I did all the care by myself...24/7 for YEARS and YEARS. When she died I was left with having to get a job and rediscover myself..which was in itself quite traumatic since my life was 100% centered around mom.
Get all your ducks in a row. And then have a frank discussion with your husband about whether or not he really means it when he says he'll divorce you if you won't let your MIL move in. If the answer is "yes," then you can let him know you've already initiated the process and present him with your papers.
You will lose yourself in this if you take your MIL in. Yes, there may be some guilt, but that will be nothing compared to the anger and burden you will feel as you are forced to care for your MIL while you and your children suffer.
Just take a deep breath and get your life back!
If your husband wants a divorce then he is no longer the man you married!
If your husband wants a divorce because you won't watch his mother, let him get one!
Good luck to you. Pray that God leads you in the right direction.
I would bet that your husband’s expectation is for you to provide care for his mother and his children, while he uses his responsibility toward your business as an excuse to remove himself from his family duties. Should anything go wrong or get off-track in your home, the blame will likely fall on you. You should not be given an ultimatum of this nature. Your husband shouldn’t place this stress on you or your children. Your husband should seek your support, not demand that you carry his burden.
Divorce is never an easy path, especially with children. I never thought I’d be going through it myself, but I took my husband’s threat seriously, and I’m glad I did. Find an attorney who specializes in child custody and small business ownership. (I, too, live in Texas, and own a business with my husband. This has complicated our divorce.) Most attorneys offer a free consultation—use this to your advantage as you select an attorney. Ask for guidance in preparing to file. There’s a “right” way to prepare your finances for a divorce.
I am sorry for your situation, and I hope you find the answers and peace you are seeking.
I doubt your husband would go thru with a Divorce because of it and if he does, you don't need a man like that to choose his mom over his family.
I would tell him and his mom, that she has three choices,
#1 She can go back to her husband.
#2. She can go live with her other son, even tho you said they are Hoarders and didn't take her to the Dr.
#3. She can go live at a Senior Place.
Explain to the Hospital While she is in the Hospital that you can not care for her and she can not be discharged until she has a place to go.
Tell them you want them to inform Social Services that your Mother in Law does not have a place to go once she is discharged from the Hospital and stay firm let them know you have already tried and it is too much for you and you can not take on the responsibility of her because you have 4 Children.
Tell them again, that they must find a place for her to go to before they discharge her because she does not have anywhere to go.
Make sure your firm about not taking her home.
Social Services can check with her Insurance and Social Security and have her placed in a home that can handle dementia.
Wow! Just wow!
You received some excellent support & replies here. Please give them serious consideration. Although in the past I’ve not been one to rush to divorce as a solution; in this case I wouldn’t think of it as running, I’d think of it as escaping before, as someone said, you lose yourself. And you will. If you have not been a care provider for an elderly person for an extended period of time in the past you have no idea what it truly entails. None! And to care for a person with dementia? Forget it. You won’t know what hit you.
One if the most important suggestions you received here was to start socking away money. No matter how much you put away it won’t be enough for you & your children so start doing it. Now.
I am sincerely sorry you’re going through this. I really am. You absolutely must know that if you give in to this it will not get better. That’s impossible. You will live every single day with regret and bitterness. You can’t want that for yourself or your kids.
Please take care of yourself and do come back to keep us posted or if you need another shot in the arm of encouragement!
Lynn