My husband and I took my mother in law in when her husband passed. Shortly after he passed, she had a stroke. When she left the hospital we took her in because my husband made a promise that if anything happened to him since he was in bad health already he’d take her. Obviously we had no idea it would end this way- when she moved in it was fine she helped us so much and then the stroke- when she had the stroke everything went south.
Since I am a stay at home mother of 2 kids at the time and pregnant when this happened I took care of her while my husband worked 3rd shift at the time.
I understood then that she was in a bad place and couldn’t take care of herself but over time she got a lot better. She has Aphasia so she cannot speak very well if at all it’s a guessing game.
Bottom line since this happened she doesn’t do anything at all. I’ve asked her to do dishes, she won’t do them. She won’t wash her clothes, all of these things she’s capable of. I finally got her on disability after several denials and before we can get it she blows it online- she buys crazy things. Lamps ....$300, several restaurant sized coffee pods for our Keurig. I mean insane stuff. We’ve taken her card and deleted her Amazon account. It’s still so hard because she’ll ask my sister in law without us knowing to bring my niece here and says she’ll watch her but all she does is lay in bed and pays no attention to anyone or anything. Today was my last straw my husband got onto her about not helping and staying in bed and she looks at us and says “I’m just lazy” like WHAT?! I’ve looked into homes and everything I can but the nice ones don’t accept disability & cost up to 4k a month and that’s all my husband will accept which I understand because alot of homes here are questionable.
I'm at my wits end and so over it- I’m sick of keeping someone up that refuses to do anything and won’t even help financially or even around the house. I’ve asked my sister in law to help and she’s already a single mother of 2 and her and her mom already don’t get along…where does this leave me? I have dreams I want to chase too and accomplish but I can’t if I’m here taking care of her more than my kids. I feel like I’m taking care of a teenager. We gave up our lives for her and this is what we get in return-my husband and I don’t know what to do
help me pls
Good Luck.
Colleen Pell
If she is getting Social Security Disability, then she is getting Medicare and maybe medicaid. Medicare will pay for physical therapy in the home and maybe an aide while you have the service.
I am so sorry for your situation. Your husband needs to realize that his families needs come before his Mom. You have 3 children who should have your undivided attn. Even though ur husband works, he should be doing for his Mom when he is home.
Yes, she needs to be evaluated, to see what she is capable of. Then u can go from there. A stroke does damage and to help reverse that she needs to work to overcome it. You do not want to disable her. If she can do it for herself, no matter how slowly, she needs to do it.
My grandson was operated on for epilepsy. It was found in all his testing that if the part of the brain they operated on was damaged, the other side of his brain was able to take over with therapy. He lucked out there was no damage. His brain was like swiss cheese for a few months though.
It may be useful to consult with a Medicaid Planner at some point (and I realize you said she's on SSDI). At this time she may qualify for in-home services from your county so maybe contact a social worker to discuss. Have you looked into adult day care? Sometimes churches run programs that are affordable. Maybe even once a week would give you a break.
It seems she is mobile and continent and doesn't require anyone's help to eat or toilet... so other than a financial burden and loss of privacy, she is actually less "work" than a very elderly parent in decline. I think maybe you look at her and she appears like she is capable (but she's not). She is not her old self yet you can't help but have the same expectations of her as before her stroke and it is aggravating because you are burning out. Maybe for now you need to have tempered expectations of her. Let her lay in bed. Don't have expectations of her participating. You aren't her entertainment committee nor responsible for her happiness. If she wasn't living with you, you'd be taking care of your kids and house and husband by yourself anyway, right?
Getting her more medical help will be taxing to you your family now but she's young enough for a pay-off of improving functionality and maybe independence in the near future. I'm not at all blaming you and your H for anything, but the reality is that with some more help from you both she can become more of her old self and hopefully move on or at least be more of a contributor. I wish you success in finding the help she needs and peace in your hearts on this journey.
Aphasia caused by stroke is often accompanied by cognitive involvement and is only very rarely a totally isolated symptom. Using a repetitive response (“I’m just lazy”) is more likely to occur because of language failure in such patients. Have you been able to read her speech/language evaluation?
”We gave up our lives for her….” and fact is, she may be UNABLE to give you anything in return. That being the case, WHO is taking care of YOUR CHILDREN?
Your husband works a 3rd shift, you take care of babies and an unhealthy adult all day and no one takes care of your husband or you.
Does your MIL have any financial resources in her own name or from her late spouse? You and your husband need to know.
Your husband is really stuck, at a time when you should be saving your energies to help and support each other, and so are you.
It is often VERY TOUGH to face the realities of circumstances as tough as yours, but keep in mind that ALL of you NEED SAFETY, peace, mutual support, and SELF RESPECT.
MIL is being cared for. How about the rest of you?
I didn't read anywhere that your H is unhappy with the current arrangement. Is he? What does HE do to take care of his mother?
What is mil's financial situation? She's on disability? Is she eligible for Medicaid?
You and your H should NOT be paying anything for her. In fact, she should be paying YOU.
It's a question of organizing her daily schedule so that she does have tasks and routines, but they're broken down into steps with breaks in between. There's more to it than that, of course, but what you want is to get hold of an occupational therapist and work on a continuing plan for her.
A SALT (Speech and Language Therapist) might be a good idea too.
The spending you've already got control of, at least that's something!
Overall, don't despair. Your MIL is young and has time to achieve much more recovery yet before she reaches the limit. When was the stroke, exactly?
'Energy conservation' is a term I've heard recently (from an OT). A name for a method used to pace activities after many illnesses (inc Covid), used with chronic conditions & also after stroke - to conserve energy for what is important.
Initiation & motivation can also be effected in stroke survivors.
So, she could make her own meals. You stop that. She can do her own washing. You stop doing it. You move any TV out of her bedroom. What else? You can do ‘deals’ – eg you will cook if she does clear up, wash-up and put things away. But her doing nothing is not an option. She does nothing, she gets nothing. Certainly not a personal maid.
You talk to your SIL and niece – any visits to your house are agreed with YOU in advance.
Then talk to your husband about the cost of care. You and DH should not be paying for her care. That’s what her money and her pension is for – not for buying ‘crazy things’ on line. If necessary, she moves into whatever care is available – perhaps respite care for a month could give her an idea of what she will be dealing with. You start the process to apply for Medicaid, if that’s appropriate. You charge her board and lodging, and if you want you put it in the bank to build up a useful deposit to help her move.
I’m responding to what you say – that she wants to be lazy. Other posters may assume that she has genuine problems, and give you good alternative advice. But this is where I’d start myself!