My mom got lost for 6 hours driving. She has the early stage of dementia. How to take her car away?

This may depend on state law. We just took my mother's keys and made arrangements to drive her everywhere. Her car was left in garage but we did have both sets of keys. She did not say too much but when we took her to the doctor, she told him to tell us she could drive, that she was not crazy! Of course no one said she was crazy but she did have dementia. Doctor told her it was a matter of safety. I told her in front of him, that if she only promised to kill herself with the car, I would give back the keys but that I was afraid she would kill a young woman with 2 kids in the car. I did not give back the keys. In Illiois, that is not actually legal, a doctor would have to state in writing she is not able to drive. MD would have done it; they have a legal obligation to notify DMV but in our case, it did not come to that. I did not care that it was not legal; I figured I would ask the judge for his home address so my mother could be sure to drive down his street if she got her keys back. In order to pass her annual driving test, she used to go to DMV and follow the driving testers with other people in the car so she could drive the route! My brother wanted to allow her to keep driving because he did not want her to be angry so I told him that if she caused an accident and someone was hurt or died, she would be sued and have no money left. True? No idea but he believed me.

So, how do you do it? You just do it. You take the keys and if you feel you need to, disable the car and move it to be "repaired. Too bad if they yell. You are not a 6 year old facing an angry parent because you drew on the living room wall. We have a responsibility to keep them from killing people with their cars. So if family doctor will help, that is great. But if not, you need to take action. Think about it. If you get lost, you get distracted while driving trying to figure out where you are. Being lost for 6 hours has to be incredibly stressful and is certainly a sign something is wrong. Just not safe for her to be driving. Driving is not a right, it is a privilege. I don't know why they don't use driving simulators to test the elderly. Maybe it is discriminatory but there should be a way; because in people in their 80's and 90's, you need to test more than muscle memory.



My FIL drove when he should not have. I had a private driving evaluation him and he passed because the muscle memory part of his brain enabled him to drive but he got lost in areas he knew well and I knew his brain would not process anything unexpected fast enough. With that driving eval, I could not get my husband and his siblings on board with taking the keys. Finally he failed eye test due to cataracts he never mentioned he had. Once he stopped driving, he told me that I was right and that when he thought back to some of the things he had done while driving, he knew he should not have been driving. But was 93 at the time.

Break the car, but leave it in the driveway. Take something off so it won't start. Then put a BIG note under the hood that says car owner has dementia and gets lost driving. DO NOT repair this car. Put your name and phone number on the note as well as a couple more names/numbers so repairman can call to confirm situation. Whoever tries to fix it can report back to her that it needs a part that has to be ordered - it is taking a while to get parts right now.

If you remove car from house, it just creates more issues and confusion. What if she reports it stolen to police? What if she catches a ride to a dealer and buys a new car? Too much drama with that idea. Hiding the keys does the same thing. Imagine that you realize you have some brain issues and you think that YOU lost your own car keys - it would drive you insane. Don't put her through that. Disable the car so it's broke. It's outside in a familiar place and for now she will think she can drive again when it's fixed - no one took away her independence that she still remembers.

Also get an immediate ongoing plan for taking her somewhere when she wants to go. So that she is used to alternative transportation. You said you have people doing that, but you need to make sure this will be done ongoing.

Even after my Aunt failed the vision test at the DMV and was only issued a state ID(they need a valid ID to do banking etc..), she couldn't remember that she had NO license !
Disabled her car!

Sometimes SAFETY has to supersede KINDNESS. If she has dementia and was “lost” her sad situation will not be better (or worse) because she is no longer permitted to drive.

Most people in this situation are super stubborn and will tantrum, cry, and act out when the subject is approached, but once HER safety has been compromised by her inability to drive safely, the new risk of her inadvertently injuring someone else while driving makes action totally imperative.

There is not really an easy way to pull this off, and she will most likely attempt to drive if she has access to the car. In our most recent situation, my LO did stop driving because of bad weather conditions for a couple months before she entered MC.

As long as your mother is still caring for her needs and socially active, she may relax a little when she realizes that she is amply provided with rides. To completely remove the risk of her driving, a LONG TERM repair, or repainting the car, could help you get the car away from her.

SAFETY. ALWAYS.

Agreed on having the doctor inform her. Elders really do tend to take this news better from a doctor than their adult children. Because adult children are, in their eyes, still children! :)

I should add it won't be enough to take keys away. If she sees her car there she'll want to drive it. Also, you'd be amazed at the lengths someone with dementia or sight issues will go to to get back in the driver's seat. I've read stories here where elders sweet-talked their way into their neighbor helping them start the car.

Even more scary is an incident in my city where a man with Alzheimer's drove the wrong way on the interstate at night, hit a car head-on and killed the family of four inside. His family had taken the ignition case out of his car, thinking that would be enough. The man was able to re-install it in a moment of clarity and went driving.

If she got lost for 6 hours it is imperative that you take the keys/car even if she is mad at you. My friends grandparents both had mild-moderate dementia. They still drove to the grocery store and their children’s houses, otherwise asked for rides. One day on tgeir way home from their daughters house they never called to say they were home. Long story short they were found 3 days later several hours away in another state dead of exposure. They’d lost their way and didn’t know what to do. It was horrible!

Dafodementia,
This is a tough issue!
IMOP, if your Mom was lost for over 6 hours, it maybe more than just "mild dementia ".
Make sure you have a diagnosis from a Geriatrician or a Neurologist.
My Aunts PCP diagnosed her with mild cognitive impairment. After a much more detailed examination by a Geriatrician, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
When I realized she shouldn't be driving, I disconnected the battery cables to her car.
She simply thought the car needed repairs.
Although I had to repeat the "broken down " car story many times, because her mental status, she couldn't piece together what to do about it and gave up.
It was a relief knowing that she wasn't on the road!!
God bless!!

Others suggest having the doctor contact DMV. This more often than not doesn't really work for several reasons:

1) Many docs don't want to get in the middle of this
2) Some who've had the license revoked continued to drive!
3) If the car remains where it is seen, the desire remains

My YB and I went to mom's place and he did all the talking. He took the key. I merely stood behind him. On the way out, I suggested disabling the car as I was sure she had another key. This often works for those not mechanically inclined, but some can tinker with cars and might figure out the battery is disconnected. Sure enough, the next day I, not YB, gets the nasty call about taking her key! Day 2 came the second nasty call, telling me to get there and fix it! So she did have another key, and managed to find it. Since it was "broken", we managed to take it away to get it "fixed." It took a while, but eventually the worst thing she did was "give up her wheels", like it was HER idea, and sometime later stopped asking/talking about it.

In your case, I doubt your mother would know what to do. If she tries to start it and then calls you, have it towed (or moved when she isn't looking to save tow fee!) somewhere that she won't see it. Then comes the repeated story that they are still working on it, having trouble getting parts, etc. Don't offer any info, just say these if she asks about it. At some point she is likely to forget.

Meanwhile, have her get a thorough checkup. Include test for UTI and cognitive decline. Rule out non-dementia causes for memory lapses. If she is really in the early stage, hopefully you have all the legal docs you need already done, such as POAs, will, etc. If not, an EC atty can determine if she is still capable of signing these (we had to make updates, and he talked with her alone before proceeding.) To prevent buying another car, as someone suggested might happen, you would want to ensure she has limited or no access to funds or credit cards. If you already have POA and get confirmation from the doc, start preparing for the inevitable.

“On the afternoon of July 16, 2003, George Weller, then age 86, drove his 1992 Buick LeSabre westbound down Arizona Avenue in Santa Monica, California toward the city's popular Third Street Promenade. The last few blocks of the street, before it ends at the ocean, had been closed to vehicle traffic for the biweekly farmers' market.

Weller's car struck a 2003 Mercedes-Benz S430 sedan that had stopped to allow pedestrians through a crosswalk, then accelerated around a road closure sign, crashed through wooden sawhorses, and plowed through the busy marketplace crowd, traveling nearly 1,000 feet (300 m) at speeds between 40 and 60 mph (60 and 100 km/h). The entire sequence of collisions took at least 10 seconds.

By the time the car came to a halt, Weller had killed ten people and injured 70. Weller told investigators he had accidentally placed his foot on the accelerator pedal instead of the brake, then tried to brake but could not stop. Weller had a lack of remorse which was a central issue for the families of the victims.”

My father continued to drive after his diagnosis. They were driving home from our Thanksgiving gathering. He went through a red light and the car was T-boned. He was unhurt, but emergency workers had to cut my mother out of the car. She broke her arm and all of her ribs on the right side.

Last week she was diagnosed. She scored 13 points on the MoCA, at the very bottom of the moderate category. The doctor told her she could no longer drive. When she challenged the doctor, saying she had never in her life been in an accident or received a ticket. Funny, the woman who never had an accident is on kissing terms with her body and fender man.

The doctor said she was required by law to report her diagnosis to the DMV and they would revoke her license. Legislation that was created after the case above.

Note: My mother’s driving was my top concern and why I pushed for her doctor to see her in person. She not a driver who putts along, frustrating the folks behind her. She’s a speed demon.

I am an only child and live in a different state and COVID has complicated this situation. I feel so bad for her because after taking care of my father for so many years, she intimately knows what dementia does. She lives alone. Through the last several years of my father’s life she’d say after your father is gone I’ll sell the house and move to Rossmoor. THEN, I’ll be happy.

Shortly after I got her moved, COVID hit. She’s alone with her increasingly paranoid thoughts. I guess I was in denial. Blaming her many altercations with neighbors and institutions on poor hearing. She has a new hearing aid and it hasn’t helped.

I haven’t yet recovered from the trauma of my father’s dementia. When I visited I had to barricade my bedroom door at night so he wouldn’t try to have sex with me. If I got too close he would reach for my breasts or make the Donald Trump move. If his breakfast wasn’t perfectly prepared he would throw it at me. He called my mother The General and would tell me all twisted tortures he had planned for her and would administer “until she is dead.” One day she called me and said “your father just said something so vile I can’t repeat it.” I told her he constantly said vile things, she just wasn’t able to hear them. The next day she put him into memory care. The third day he broke his hip and a few months later he passed.
His last words to me I will edit because they are shocking offensive but he asked me to sit on his face and after he finished....to suffocate him with my disgusting fat thighs.

This is why I am so reluctant to go through this again. My mother has always been a cruel person, putting others down in order to make herself feel better, and now she’s losing her filter. Sometimes during our phone calls I tally how many times she calls someone an idiot. She wants my husband and I to live with her. I am considering a geriatric care manager.

Sorry, I got carried away there. Feeling distressed.

Dear "Daofdementia,"

You may want to click on the Aging Care "forum" topic at the upper right hand corner on the teal bar. Go to page 4 and there is a question that was asked on 8/16/20 "How do we deal with impact of taking away mom's car keys?" There are 71 answers and maybe you'll find something that will help you too!