She has taken two Dementia tests and passed with flying colors. But, she is meaner than usual. She goes from 0 to 60 in like 3 seconds and it's scary - not physically scary, she is not physical threatening. She twists what I say and says I said something other than I did. She blames me for taking her to the ER in early May because she had what turned out to be a "staring spell" in the park. We came home and called her doctor and we both spoke to him telling him our "version" of the event, and he said given her strokes 7+ years ago to go to the ER. She blames me for this. She says I can't "own" that her recollection of the event existed. She says I said she had seizures, but I did not. The neurologist suggested it might have been a seizure which I had not even thought of, but my mother insists I said this, like it really would even matter. The neurology dept did numerous tests, along with a 30-day ambulatory test and then a head wrap and found nothing. She is furious at me if she thinks I am saying or implying something that I am.
She also lives with nerve pain - not regular horrible pain, but nerve pain which she has to get epidurals for every few months which adds to her frustration, I understand. But her anger is so deep and furious at times, I can't handle it. It's like I am talking to an impenetrable wall of righteousness when she gets like that. I tell her this and she absolutely does NOT believe I'm scared. It's even more frightening to me. There is no making sense with her just circles of righteousness.
I feel trapped. I moved in with her one-and-a-half years ago after I retired from teaching. I was here, with her part-time, and part-time with my partner of 16 years, and traveling a bit, close by. Now after the pandemic I'm here more than not.
If you are going to suggest to put her in assisted living don't bother. Ain't gonna happen especially at this stage. I don't need advice that does not do anything for me; I need someone with a similar experience who can listen.
Clearly the two of you are unhappy in the same household. I would suggest you and your partner find your own place to live, and visit Mom less frequently.
I have no similar experience, but I think you will, in reading answers on forum, find that those "trapped" with their Mom are usually there because their Mom suffers from dementia or severe physical disability. You mention none of that.
You say "don't suggest I put her in assisted living". But nothing you said indicates she should go to assisted living, unless there is something that you didn't say. She should be caring for herself, unless there is some physical disability you haven't told us about
Chronic pain often causes depression; depression often is manifested as anger. Your Mom has willingly seen doctors for dementia tests and apparently has ZERO dementia, a great thing. I would suggest that some light dose anti-depressants actually help with some nerve pain, and surely is worth suggesting to her. But I think Mom may be suffering from just more input than she would like, and from feeling helpless to make decisions for herself when she is capable of doing that.
There is really no reason you have told us that you must live with your Mom. If it isn't working for you, do consider a move. We are not all cut out to be live-in caregivers.
Your added "I don't need advice that doesn't do anything for me" suggests that we might know what advice will help and what will not, or that you have already received perhaps some advice that you didn't care to hear from others? In any case, we can't really know that history, and if you come here you will get all KINDS of advice. You may like some. You may dislike some. So keep what advice you love, and let the stuff you hate sit there like unclaimed baggage.
I swear my MIL had it 40+ years ago--nope, she's just a mean person with no sense of 'others'. As time has progressed she slowly slid into full blown dementia and not the kind that makes you nicer.
I would not live with her, no matter what you're saying, life with her must be awful. It's YOUR life you're sacrificing, not hers.
My MIL definitely needed some anti-anxiety/depression drugs many years ago, yet all she will deign to take is a low dose of Valium, maybe once a week. She lives in a world of fear and hate. She talks about the horrible life she's had and you cannot argue with her that anyone who has always had a home (and a lovely one at that!) good physical health and few money worries--she goes ballistic. Until very recently, her physical health was very good, and she's 90 now--no major health issues, but plenty of psych ones.
Divorced now for the last 33 years and 'widowed' for 17, she still speaks of her ex as if he were in the next room. With as much venom as if the thing he did happened yesterday, not in 1954.
DH and SIL doing to caring for her, SIL taking the lion's share. Dh cannot stand her and feels she should be in an ILF. She freaks out and SIL tells her over and over that they'll never put her in a home--a promise she cannot keep, if necessary.
If you refuse to consider not living with the problem 24/7, then I simply feel bad for you. You cannot change her. You probably cannot even break through the shell of bitterness and anger.
I just wish you luck and peace. My MIL blew up at me a few months ago and I walked out the door, never to return. But--she's my MIL, so I can do that.
I have my own crazy mother to deal with.
Maybe she is just sick of having you as a roommate and doesn't know how to tell you.
I think that we are to quick to try and take over for our senior loved ones and in doing so we forget that they have a say before we do about their own lives. We think that they should behave a certain way and treat us according to what we want, all while we live in their home, many times not always.
Perhaps you need to get your own place and let her deal with her life the best way she can, and wait for her to ask for help. This will change the dynamics of the situation, it won't be you trying to help where she doesn't want you to.
No offense intended, I just don't understand why you would willingly stay and be a scratching post.
Move out.
You moved in with her, no way I would suggest that you "put" her in Assisted Living
If she can live day to day on her own with no help with ADL's then she can safely be on her own.
If you can afford to move that would be the best solution for you.
My guess since you are retired, unless you took early retirement, that you would qualify for Senior housing if your finances are tight.
Sorry if this sounds harsh..
Is it a financial necessity? Or do you have the means to maintain your own household?
I don't see why you would rationally choose to live with someone who is so awful to you.
You are not going to change her or how she thinks or behaves. The only behavior you can control is your own.
I understand that she is passing those "mini-mental" exams that they give at memory clinics. My mom, deep in vascular dementia, passed those until a few months before her death. Her strokes did not affect her memory, but her reasoning was shot. The testing that will show that is a full neuropsych work up. It's 3 to 6 hours of paper and pencil testing, exams by neuropsychologist, neurologist and psychiatrist.
Assume she has Vascular dementia and watch Teepa Snow videos on how to reduce arguing with folks with dementia. Forget trying to reason with her.
All I can say is that I am so sorry.
Best wishes to you and your mom.