My mother is 72, in relatively good health, she lives alone after my dad died suddenly in an accident in 2018. She has a beautiful apartment, doesn't have to worry about money. I mean, she's not rich but she's comfortable. However, my mother and I have never been very close. I've been trying SO hard to make amends for all the years we were estranged. She is difficult to communicate with though. She will not just enjoy being a senior, make friends, do senior stuff! She spends her days trying to become a computer engineer (exaggeration) and phone wizard and worries me to death about it every time i come to visit. She stresses herself out over things she doesnt have to. It's very frustrating.
She is not your responsibility. Never has been, never will be. The only people you are responsible for(besides yourself)are your husband and your children, so quit trying to make your mother into someone she is not, and just enjoy your time with your husband and children.
If your mother wants things to be different, it will be up to her to make the necessary changes. I certainly wouldn't be holding my breathe though.
Just be grateful that she is still in good health and is able to live on her own. And learn to be ok, if things with your mother and you never get any better, as it's certainly not worth losing your peace over.
First of all just so you don’t feel crazy - I am close to my mom - always was (now I’m her 24/7 care after a massive stroke). She drove me crazy before and she will drive me crazy now. Most any- if not all parent/child relationships are complicated…we all have a little bit of dysfunction.
So it’s somehow finding a balance to what you can do to help her/and yourself - what you want that relationship to look like - what things only she can help herself with and what things only you can make peace with
I think if you can break down (even with a therapist) what you are searching for in your relationship with your mom and accepting and finding ways that will allow you to find a place that is less stress and more comfort.
If it’s your desire to make amends - do it for yourself with no expectations from her - be who you want to be in her life because it will fulfill you -not to fulfill what she needs you to be. I really would suggest speaking with a therapist as there are so many things here that you may have already tried - too tired to try - done trying or that you are totally open too - I think that journey will be easier on you if you did it with a therapist as they will help catch you in between the falls and guide you to finding a peace that you will be okay with no matter the landing spot.
You may find a way for you and your moms relationship to flourish or you may see she cannot change - but by having someone on that road with you I promise will help you in the end.
Many caregivers here will have advice (not just about parents) because so many of us have been let down by family who ran when the walls came crashing in with care.
Some stories will show you it can be done and some stories will show you that some regret they spent so much time trying - but only you know your journey and what you need from it 🦋
Wishing you the best - less bumps and more smooth highways.
You can only change you.