This past fall my dad was admitted to the hospital for over a week... I was my mom's sole caretaker, she has moderate dementia. My dad and mom refused the hospital's efforts to send him to rehab (he has mild brain damage and dementia, and acute kidney damage from this past incident). I now have medical POA and I have found a nursing facility that will not only take them both for their various needs, but will keep them together in the same room! How do I get them into the car to travel the couple of hours here, as they know there is a place for them but say they aren't leaving?!?! The nursing home will not go get them.
What ever you do, don’t backtrack. Hang tough if the tears and anger start. Work with the staff. They do this all the time.
My mother had mild dementia, and hadn't lost much mental acuity when she died just shy of 99. But I worked with her every day from her diagnosis (including over the phone) to exercise her brain. She appreciated that, knew what we were doing and why, and was a willing participant. And her personal physician said she would be miserable in a facility. Maybe she was unique in more ways than I knew (I knew about several).
"I just hope all of you get treated the same way when you get old."
Ya damn RIGHT I hope I get "treated" that way when I'm old (demented, confused, sick, imobile, etc.)
"If being "safe" removes independence and dignity, what good is it?"
When I'm out of my mind and can't make a safe decision for myself, what good is independence and dignity?
When I'm so sick I can't feed myself or bathe, what good is dignity and independence?
When I can't walk or escape from a burning building, what good is independence and dignity?
"And what's the difference between forcing someone to be
"safe" and putting them in jail for growing old?"
The difference is that they NEED to be there. Remember the old saying, Better to be safe than sorry?
IF you can function independently, you don't need to "go to jail".
It's when you can no longer handle the ADL's (activities of daily living) that you need some help. Usually that's in the form of in-home caregivers (if the need for care is light), Assisted Living (if more care is needed) and Memory Care (when, unfortunately, all the mental functions have shut down).
I have a son that could care less about me, I'm an only child and I don't have the kind of friends who would get "that" involved. So the only other person who could "put me in jail" would be my dear husband. It would be better than walking barefoot in the streets, confused, with no one to make sure I'm "safe".
I'll give up my independence to have someone help me do what I can no longer do. I will enter the facility WITH dignity and remain as dignified as I can, given the circumstances.
You are a great and caring daughter!
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Stay in touch.
Today I moved their things into the nursing facility, pushed their beds together, unpacked their clothes, and sat and cried for them... Tomorrow I travel to meet up with my husband, to take them from the house they built, and love. But you know what? I'm a good daughter bc everyone has said, they need help more help than can be provided in their home, and I am seeing to it that they have 24/7 medical care, good food, medication given at the times it is to be given and it is their own meds not one another's, and they are SAFE!
blk2842 -you sound angry. Mother chose the ALH, NH route herself and had input to where she went. The facilities she has been in are not "jail" like in the least. How would you deal with a demented 100 year old who took cash out of her bank and went to the airport without proper identification to fly east to a big city which at the time was flooded? This was not a safe move on her part. The airport authorities took her to the hospital where she was assessed and put on medication for her dementia and personality disorder. Eventually she went into an ALF suited for people with her problems. Dementia reduces a person's ability to make good choices for themselves.
For some here it has taken a medical crisis, like a fall, to precipitate a move to safer surroundings, where the senior can be better looked after than they can in their home, and there are people to help in the case of a health crisis.
I wish you well in your own caregiving journey.
The removal of dignity and independence is already done by disease and infirmity.
"Forcing someone to be safe," as you put it, is not the same as being put in jail for being old. It is providing a living environment as close as possible to what the elders would provide for themselves if they were able.
It is the compassionate thing to do versus leaving loved ones to suffer the indignity of bad living conditions that they no longer have the independence and ability to correct.
I hope you too have someone who loves you that much when you "get old."
"safe" and putting them in jail for growing old?
I remember sorting through papers of mother's finding old letters and photographs. I kept the photos, but tossed most of the papers. Each of us involved in caregiving has to make those kinds of decisions, and it isn't easy. I guess I am saying you are not alone. We understand.
Safety is the primary concern for your parents - not their wishes, nor their happiness. We have to deal with our feelings as we go through this with them. Sounds like your hub is a good support. Do keep us updated. Many here have gone through what you are facing. (((((((hugs)))))))
As I posted earlier I just got my folks in a nice place not quite 3 weeks ago. Our situations are very similar. I too have the finances, car, house, garage stuff etc to deal with.
Don’t try to do it all at once. I’m 600 miles away. I got my folks in care, did some banking, cleaned out the fridge, turned down the heat and turned off the water. We’re good for now. This spring I will deal with the “Stuff”.
I talked with mom tonight. She’s getting a little used to her new world and wasn’t quite so frosty with me. I like to think I’m king of the hardasses but thinking of how shocking this is to them was bothering me. It’s on my mind a lot.
But the relief to know they are warm, eating, getting their meds, being bathed and interacting with people regularly is such a comfort. It far outweighs the worry of their adjustment. Don’t forget this.
There will be some bumps but you and your folks will get through it. I will go to sleep tonight not worrying about Dad wandering off in 10 degree weather, mom falling, no food in the house and a 40 year old furnace dying in the middle of the night. It’s a great feeling.
The thought of them being "safe" is comforting... at the same time it is gut wrenching to pull them from all they've had/known for the last 40 years, and to realize that I am left to go through all that "stuff"... reliving each memory from my childhood to now, the only home I've ever known.
My husband did say, "but they will be safe and we won't have to drive hours in the middle of the night for an emergency." Which he is right. They will be safe, clean, fed, and have the care of a good doctor.
The aftermath is what I dread mostly now... the financial, house, sale of things ... And that they think they are going back in a few years, back to their home... that's heart breaking.
Thank you all for your kind words.
funny part about it was when they brought mom into the nursing home I had dad waiting with me at the front door. I said look dad, moms here. my dad looked at my mom and said loudly that's not my wife, shes to old for me, roll me away from that woman now. I was so shocked and embarrassed. I rolled him back to his room and tried to talk to him but he didn't want to hear anything. so we are in his room and here they come rolling mom into the room. he started screaming. to make a long story short he refused to stay in the same room with mom. now the nursing home had to change all of the rooms back so that my parents would be separated. he refused to go into any room in the nursing home that she was in. this went on for about five or six days. he would scream at me if I tried to get any where near where my mom was. than one day I came and dad was not in his room, went to moms room and she wasn't there went to the nursing station and they pointed to the day room across from them and here was my mom and dad sitting together talking and holding hands. I went up to them and dad said Lizzy, mommy's here isn't that nice...
If you or your sister were local to them it would be different but they need the care and your not there to give it. the nursing home is the best place and safest place for them than at home alone. its painful but you are doing the right thing. don't feel guilty for doing something that is best for them in every way.
as far as traveling to and from the nursing home depending on where you live medicare covers some of the traveling issues, and there is also private companies who come and pick them up drop them off and than come back and take them back to the home when your ready. As far as the price it wasn't high where we live. dad passed away six weeks or so ago and mom passed away four weeks or so ago. I miss them so much but in my heart I know that they are together forever in heaven....
good luck....be strong ...your doing what they need....don't second guess yourself......
I can only imagine the heartache you're feeling having to move your parents against their will. I ended up with my dad who told me he was building a barn, when in fact he had 70 pounds of water weight, because he was in active heart failure from CHF and had stage 3 kidney disease because of the untreated heart condition. He fought me going to the hospital to receive care, angry about skilled nursing, angry about rehab and really angry about Assisted Living. I just kept telling him I understand how hard this is, I can't imagine how you must be feeling because of losing all of your Independence. That you feel so spunky and able is because of the care that you receive 24/7, proper medications on time, nutritional meals 3 times a day, as well as not being completely isolated. He has six people that he lives with in a small assisted living home, they are all verbal, like a pack of three year olds but they are getting along and he is doing so very well, he thinks he can live alone because he's doing so great. (I picked him up from living alone and the above conditions were a result of poor self care.) That creates another problem just a heads up for you, great care tends to create improvement in some cases then they know they can live alone and you have that battlefront. Stick to your guns, remind them of all of the great things they have where they're at and just love them through it. Also remember to love yourself and your sister and know that as hard as it is, it is truly the kindest most loving thing you can do for your parents, making sure they're well taken care of. Good luck on your journey may you have a blessed 2018
Or are you asking how to physically get them into the car and transport them?
The suggestions you have that address the first are good.
As to the second. If you can drive them but have a problems with a car rent a van that will be easier and have more room. If one or both are in a wheel chair you can ask about a medical transfer. It might be a bit more expensive but they can stay in the wheelchairs and be locked down for safety. This would be easier than transfer from the wheelchair to the car seat then back to the wheelchair. And it is possible that the cost of a medical transfer could be deducted or possibly even paid for by Medicare. (Not sure on that please check)