My siblings and I feel helpless to help our difficult to deal with father. Any suggestions?

So, today I find out that dad has been found to have Alzheimers. Not sure how long he's had it or how far along into the disease he is but it definitely explains a lot about his past behaviors. It doesn't forgive them but it explains them. I can't help but think back some 30 - 35 years ago... the last time I saw dad's mom... she had Alzheimer's.... I remember her curled up in a fetal position staring blankly and not even knowing anyone was there beside her... not recognizing her only son and her only daughter.... then I think of the road that lies ahead for dad. From what I know of my dad he is not going to accept this official diagnosis nor will he easily go along with having to be placed in a care facility.

Getting this news today about dad hit me deeply. I can't help but fear for him. I can't help but feel sorry for him. I can't help but shed tears over what this will do to him and all he's known... I can't help but shed tears over all of the unresolved issues that are a huge wedge between he and I and now knowing that all of these issues will never be resolved with him simply because in his mind he cannot recall them or his mind has forgotten about them completely. So now I have to find a way to let all of the issues go and just try to be there for my dad who is hardly there mentally..... I can't help but wonder if there's anything that I can do to help him now.... something like playing him one of his favorite songs or re-learning "Clarinet Polka" so I can play it for him on my clarinet that he bought for me some 40 years ago... I'm a reiki master, I wonder if if he would allow me to re-balance what I can using reiki energy.... I'm a compassionate person.... he's my one and only dad. The love I have for him is a very tough and hard earned love. We've had our rare good times and we've had our full share of tough times together... too much to contemplate and cope with now...

There is only so much a person can do for someone. I think you and brother have gone over and above. Me, I would have gotten mad that I had to help him move more than once.

Your Dad either has a mental problem or in early stages of Dementia. Hopefully he will be evaluated by the right people and placed in the right place.

Thank you again for those who replied to my first post here.... I have some updates on my dad's current situation. At the end of June I thought things were worked out with his landlord. So, my family breathed a brief sigh of relief. But... near the end of July I received phone calls from some of dad's neighbors. They told me that my dad needs to be out of his residence at the end of July or the landlord will hand dad an eviction notice. I did talk to one or 2 of dad's neighbors and explained to them why my siblings and I are not helping my dad move out. They understood. I took time off from work to make more phone calls to ADRC and adult protective services to notify them of the situation. July 29/30th my dad decides to call 911 complaining of extreme back pain and is taken to local E.R. He did so to avoid the bullet of having to move out. A few weeks go by and no word from dad or any of his neighbors. All the while my brother and I feel guilt about not helping my dad, but we tell ourselves dad needs to learn from his own mistakes. About a week ago I get a few more phone calls from dad's neighbors and local police. Landlord handed dad eviction notice. My cell phone # is also my business phone. I'm trying to get my own painting business going so at times I fight with myself as to whether or not I should answer a call from then same area code as my dad's because I just do NOT want to talk to my dad or deal with any of the B.S surrounding him. Phone rings and I give in and low and behold it's my dad begging and pleading with me to help him out of his eviction situation. I tell him that I canNOT help him. He will not listen to reason or any advice I offer, he threatens suicide yet again. A week or so later I get a phone call from a private number. I don't answer it. A voicemail was left and I find out it was from county police telling me that they're there with my dad and he is evicted and I should call. I don't. Time passes, guilt and curiosity weighs heavy on my shoulders. My brother calls to tell me that my dad called him from a county run mental health clinic. What my family hoped would happened with my dad finally happened. Maybe, just maybe my dad will get the help he needs. It's up to him. I called the facility dad's in to talk with his caretaker to fill her in on various things I felt important about dad. She tells me they have been trying to piece together what to do for dad. She tells me that the clinic really didn't know what to do about dad due to the broken paper trail in regards to dad. She tells me that the information that I offered is helpful, she now has something to work with.
It's been difficult trying to deal with everything that has happened to my dad and where he ended up and where he may eventually end up at. Dad's caretaker told me that they want to get him evaluated and officially diagnosed so they know what type of facility to transfer him to. Right now they're trying to deal with my dad urinating in his room at this facility. I can't help but think of the fight that my dad will give to avoid going to another facility or an assisted living residence. I don't know if I'll ever see my dad again or if he'll want to see any of his family again after turning our backs on him. We're all he has. It's a strange difficult reality to deal with... knowing that my dad is alive and messed up in the head yet I may never see him again or if I want to see him. Part of me is okay with that, yet part of me wants to just see my dad to hug him and tell him it's okay... what's happening is for the best. I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I'd have to seriously consider talking to a support group or counselor about coping with a mentally unstable family member. It's sad. It's difficult. It's stressful. It's what is...

Everyone in your family has to be on the same page regarding your father. Your sister should have informed you what she was doing with and for Dad. If she wants to be involved with him, you can’t stop her. It seems like all of you have gone WAY above and beyond to catch Dad every time he falls. He knows you’ll do this, so he makes no effort to change. He is very ill and he needs to be in a facility. Come back and let us know how you are.

I thank all who replied to my post here. The advice offered is/was very helpful.
So, about a week ago I took a day off of work to call the local ADRC to see what can be done to help my father. Since he's his own guardian things that can be done for him are limited. The woman I talked to about my dad contacted adult protective services and from there.... my dad can accept or refuse any assistance offered to him. I was also given an address and phone number to a homeless shelter 15 -20 miles away from where he is/was living. As of right now I have no idea if he was evicted. My sister chose to put herself in charge of his finances and taking him to various doctor appointments. She would know more than my brother or I of what my dad's current situation is. She also knew, at the beginning of June, that he did not pay his rent. Why she didn't tell my dad to pay his rent or she pay it for him is beyond me. I've called her several times and no answer. I left messages for her to call me back but so far no return calls.

Your family might want to attend the Family to Family course run by NAMI. You seem to be dealing with a mentally ill adult. They might have some good ideas for you.

www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Family-to-Family

Stay out of it. The next time he lands in a hospital, sit down with the social worker and set them straight with his history. And say that nobody in the family can or will take care of him, social services will have to get off their butts and find a suitable place for him. Ask government agencies for advice and put him on their radar.

I have a similar situation with my own father. Him and my mother split up a few years ago and he's gone downhill ever since. He is currently in jail and this isn't the first time he's been there. He's also been hospitalized and baker acted twice for being suicidal. He is an alcoholic to the point where it has affected his physical and mental health. He has lost everything including his job and our family home. Once he gets out of jail, we don't know where he will go because he can no longer legally stay with my aunt and grandma. I refuse to let him stay with me because he would ruin everything I have ever worked for. We are going to try, again, to get the government involved to get him into some sort of rehab program.

I know telling you this isn't helping but I want you to know that you are not alone. There are lots of broken families out there where everything seems hopeless. Sometimes, there really isn't an answer to situations but you can't let them destroy you. You often can't help someone, even family, unless they want your help. Just do what you can and live your own life the best way you know how. Best of luck.

Your father sounds mentally ill. I'd contact the Area Agency on Aging and identify him as a vulnerable adult who is being evicted to see what they advise. I agree that you should stay out of it - he needs professional help far beyond what you or your siblings or your mom can provide. Please keep us posted. Others may have good ideas too.