My sister is a bully. What do we do?
It is hard enough to deal with a very ill parent, but when you have a bully in the family who has all the control because ofPOA, it becomes horrible. She makes all the decisions. mother is very confused and can't think straight so it's easy for her to do this. My other sis and I have been abused by this when we try to find out what is going on or make a suggestion or anything. She doesn't answer emails to either of us. She called my other sis "stupid" for sending the doctor a letter saying she is concerned about massive medications effects on our mom who has heart disease. I am very worried about my mother and I tell her what I see and she just pooh-pooh's me, or ignores me. she accuses me of ridiculous things like she sent this email out saing ...mama told the phone off the hook ... did you (meaning me maybe?) have an argument with her? Hey, mama is not well, is irritable and may have some memory issues and so she forgets andputs the phone down. walks away from the pone. or she doesn't put It down right. She is so passive aggression. Mama is really sick and when this is over, I am done with her. I tried for so long and she is just a bully in general. not just to me and sister but to others and to mama. she says mama complains and lies. Uh, I don't think so. mama really is confused ad doesn't remember thing from one minute to the next. if she would just let mama talk, then she would see it. sorry for the rant. just asking if anyone can relate to this? what do you all do? I can't just walk away from mama. and I hate being in thedark about her situation. thanks.
As I have read on this site I have learned how hard it can be to caregive in a dysfunctional family, as if the actual act caregiving isn't physically and mentally demanding enough! Sorry, I have no wise advice to give, I think CM said it all very nicely!
I can't say anything repeatable in polite society about my brothers. My sister had POA for finance and took excellent care… of the money. I did all the caregiving. Now I know, at heart, that my siblings loved their mother too. And I know they wanted her to be happy, healthy, safe and no trouble to their peace of mind, in reverse order; which might sound harsh and judgmental of me but I'm going by what they said AND did, so it's not like I'm assigning motives to them. But the difficulties arise from
1. each person having his or her own ideas of what's important;
2. the person being looked after not having had the foresight to spell out in advance what she wanted done;
3. one child having POA in a family where sibling rivalry pre-existed. And name a family where it doesn't, to some extent at least;
4. well-meaning interventions from other halves, friends, neighbours, distant relatives and anyone else who wants to chuck in their two penn'orth.
Shake that lot together and what you have is an explosive mixture of emotions under pressure. I don't know what to suggest - it partly depends on how important family is to you looking ahead. You could try thinking the caregiver's equivalent of 'what happens on tour stays on tour' and holding your tongue when your sister is unbearable (that was the only way for me to cope with mine, which I had to do). You could get together over a nice meal and thrash out priorities, but people do get defensive and you'd probably all need a few sessions of NLP training beforehand for that to be constructive.
Oh well, meanwhile the world turns. Worry less. Be nice to your mother. Cultivate detachment from your sister. Will that do for advice??!! :)
I clean her house, I cook for her, I shop for all the food and whtever else is needed. Okay and I pay for it too. me and my hubby do and we pay for lots of stuff (that does not matter). And, Im the one who listens to her and calms her down every single day.
Kathy 11 says "How will I feel when this is over? What kind of person am I? Do I help, no matter the cost, for someone I love, or am I content to throw blame? These are questions you need to ask now"
How will I feel?
Answer: Horrible, awful and miserable like I do not and helplessl. I feel that way now ... been hurting for years here. k?
Content to throw blame? what? It is the other way around. When you don't know the story, please, please please don't judge. okay. This all hurts bad enough.
I am sorry for your pain and everbody's pain. I don't write so good so maybe that is my fault, but I do love her a lot. That's why she tells me so much and my sister just says "oh she is complaining and lying and that kind of s*** and I know that isn't it. My mama is a lady that was always kind, loving and caring to all people and I love her with all my heart.
me and other sis do lots for my mom. like cleaning,cooking, shopping, visiting, fixing, talking, caring and loving. Sorry for the rant. can anyone relate?
If you want a sister who informs you, and takes your advice, You could instead of calling, give her a week of respite. You take care of your Mom, and try to have your life at the same time. If you can't give time send money for a house cleaner, something to relieve some of the burden. Then she would listen to you, because you are sharing the burden, both physically and mentally.
How will I feel when this is over? What kind of person am I? Do I help, no matter the cost, for someone I love, or am I content to throw blame? These are questions you need to ask now.