Last Saturday my dad passed on hospice with an intestinal blockage (that has now occurred twice).. and the Dr's did not recommend surgery for him because of his age, dementia, and other co morbidities.. All siblings had a conference call and agreed that if the blockage didn't clear on its own (like it did last time).. that we would go for hospice and comfort care.
This is the text I just recieved from her.
"On what planet or altered reality was what happened to daddy ok? I’ll never forgive you. I hope you die the same death so you can see what he went through."
I believe she is unstable, uninformed, and I am sure I (as medical power of attorney) did the right thing... I followed advice of the doctors..and we all previously agreed. It was hard to watch him die like that...but she is wanting to put it all on me.. and it is so hurtful.
I might be echoing other comments but my gut reaction is this.
You say "my sister's comment to me about MY dad..." This makes it sound like he was not her father as well. Keep in mind that that she is also grieving and when people are processing grief it can be difficult and they may say and do things that they normally would not. Another thing if she did not have as much contact with your dad as you did during his illness her point of view as to how ill he was may be skewed as well. As caregivers our grief is daily as we watch our loved one overcome one battle only to fight another and still decline. Those on the fringes see little of the battles and often see their loved one clean, bathed, dressed or if in bed the bed is comfortable, with clean sheets...they give no thought as to how difficult it is to bathe, dress, clean, change the bedding in an occupied bed. They may not process impending death. No one wants to loose a parent, spouse, child. So when it happens gut reactions come forward
Give her time to process.
Give her space to process, by this I mean do not react to what she says at this time. Your comment might be.."I'm sorry you feel like WE made the wrong decision but given the medical advice we had it was the best decision to be made"
Make no harsh or hurtful comments to her. As difficult as it is forgive her for what she says. If you carry this it will only effect you. You can't loose another family member at this time.
You can't change them, and it sucks when they don't have the ability to understand that you are grieving too, and will carry inner feelings about your decisions anyway, even knowing they were the right ones.
I don't know if I will ever have the same relationship with them again after the many things that have been criticized. There never seems to be an apology for the accusations, just the desire to forget they said it, smooth over and pretend they weren't awful and hurtful. I never thought this would be my family, but this seems to be what caring for our parents brings out in some people.
I don't agree with the forgiveness statement given some of the things that have been flung at me, other than to be able to move on and not let their words define you. You know who you are inside, be the good person you are. But, you don't have to keep hurtful people in your life and grief isn't an excuse to hurt someone else, because if it was we all would say many hurtful things while going through this.
If you are needing reassurance you did the right thing (which you did!!), this book could be very helpful, supportive, and reassuring. If nothing else, when you have recovered more from all this, it will be so helpful to process what you will want for yourself, when making your own medical decisions becomes harder. It has over 7,000 five star ratings on Amazon for a reason. Superlative and easy read. A surgeon transparently writes how the health care system gets it so wrong, so many times at the end of life. He shares his personal struggle of humbly having to learn, as a surgeon of 30 years and a son, how to process his dad's cancer diagnosis, treatment choices and death. Once your get by the first couple drier chapters of the historical development of nursing homes, you won't be able to put it down as he becomes personal. My book is all highlighted and eared up.
https://www.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/1250076226/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=being+mortal+atul+gawande&qid=1556802802&s=gateway&sr=8-1
Bless you in these next months of processing and remembering your precious dad's life. Hugs!!
Your dad picked YOU to make the hard decisions not her - your dad trusted YOU not her to his reasonable care at the end of his life - by listening to the doctors you did right by him because abdominal surgery is hard enough [I've had 3] without the confusion of dementia where the wrong movement or a sneeze could burst the stitches
Your sister is selfish piece of work - was she even there when your dad died or did she show up later? - ignore her words & her for a while - she is too selfish to ever apologize
Go on with your life with your head held high with the knowledge that YOU DID YOUR BEST FOR YOUR DAD. - congratulations on having the backbone needed at a difficult time
It was very kind of you to have a conference call with all of your siblings...and to have an agreement like that...everyone on the same page.
Write her a letter so you have your say with clarity (be non-judgment about her reaction), and then LET IT GO. The ball will be in her court.
Don't second-guess yourself, you did well, and your dad is free now. It's time for you to grieve and take care of yourself.
Peace be with...
Now the following comment is hard to "accept" but it is also something you may want to consider. (I myself cannot live up to it, but here goes). "What others think about me or say about me is none of my business."
For me, had I received such remarks as your sister said to you, hurt deeply and last long.
However, after a period of time, and in view of the unanimous support you received in replies to your comment/question, may enable you to gradually move on and, while not forgetting your sister's nasty remarks, at least find a way to keep them in the context of the noble things you did to share the dilemma with your syblings.
Ignorance is where you find it...As an example, I cite my wife's nursing home roommate years ago: she developed gangrene in one of her lower legs...she could not walk or stand. Her family would not let them amputate part of her bad leg. They insisted it could be cured. The stench became overwhelming. Finally they agreed that she could go to hospice, She died soon thereafter. No surgery was done.
Your head should rest easy on your pillow for a responsibility handled very well and in my view, perfectly.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Never. Did. That. I was all about making sure Mom was THE voice in her care. Mom made every decision, even the one to not go through dialysis. Mom and I had many talks about what she wanted, and she was ready to go whenever the good Lord called her, she refused medication because she wanted quality instead of quantity of life, and she didn't want her life extended by machines. They bad mouthed me to Mom to the point that the nursing home staff pulled me aside and expressed concern about me - not Mom - because "we hear what's going on in that room and it ain't right".
After months of working on Mom, they convinced her that they should become her new POAs and they eventually moved Mom to another nursing home because "they couldn't care for her where she was". /facepalm So Mom had to go to a new place, with new food, new schedules, etc. AND - they forced her into dialysis, discussed and approved surgical procedures without including her, even decided that she should take dialysis laying down. Mom laid down all day, which wasn't good for her, and she told me that she enjoyed sitting up the one time she went without her family escort. That nursing home had faults, too: Mom's food was about to be taken away once when I went to visit, because no one bothered to feed her. Thank goodness I got there in time. There were other issues, but because the overbearing sisters chose the home, it was 'perfect'. To them. /spits
Mom spent her last two years under the "care" of sisters who executed every fault that they had projected upon me. I had to keep my mouth shut and just love Mom from where I was.
Because of this, and following hostile behavior, I have reduced or cut off contact with a big chunk of my family. I know that I was doing the best for Mom, let Mom be fully involved in her medical care decisions, and did what I could to manage her finances and care according to her wishes. The sisters had to say things that made them feel better, whether it be from guilt, a frustration with not being in control, or personal issues with me. One sister is now completely cut off. I know who I am, and what I have(n't) done, so screw them. Just because they call me a chair doesn't make me a chair.
My life is much easier now. "Family are people who share your DNA. Friends are family you get to pick." "Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated."
God bless and good luck.
You did absolutely everything you could. You discussed it with them first, came to a consensus and held to that agreement. You made the right call for your dad. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. There is no guarantee that the surgery would have been successful, and it probably wouldn't be curative.
This is still very new, and emotions are still very raw. I think you need to just give it some time. Everyone needs time to process their grief. Anger is a natural part of grieving and it will hopefully pass as she processes her grief more. I think the best thing to do is just steer clear of her for now. Don't respond. Hopefully common sense will return. Just remember that she may not be thinking rationally and probably doesn't mean what she is saying right now. Give it more time. Heal. My deepest condolences to you.
Grief makes people say hurtful and crazy things. If you had a great relationship with your sister, try to address this and get through it. If not, this is just poison you don't need to drink. I'd reply something like, "I'm am grieving for the loss of daddy, too. I'm praying (hoping) that we will all get through it, each in our own way." Leave it at that. Why engage? You're just leaving yourself open for further attack.
I know, this will not make you feel better, but problems among siblings are common when a parent has to go into a facility and/or serious medical decisions need to be made, and/or a parent passes away -- whether naturally or by removing life support.
Sometimes it's about grief --- and how grief affects someone----sometimes it's about feeling badly because the relationship with that parent was not a good one, sometimes it's about a dependency on that parent that the rest of the family did not even know about (financial or emotional), sometimes it's about not being the sibling that had the legal authorities, and sometimes it's about money. And, yeah....could be other reasons. Could also be that your sister has kept quiet about negative feelings toward you for some reason that you did not know about before. And, yeah, maybe, as you say, she is unstable.
Point is: Anything is possible, but please do not make yourself sick trying to figure it out or fix it.
It could take a year, or few years, to resurrect a formerly good relationship with your sister. And, truthfully, it may not happen. Never be the same.
Maybe just do this:
Even if she does not respond back to you, still acknowledge her birthday and whatever other events pertain, like a wedding anniversary, or her childrens' or grandchildrens' birthdays, or any graduations, or whatever religious holidays she observes. Unless she blocks you, even a text is better than nothing. And, don't expect any response and do not say anything negative if you do not get a response. Okay? Can you do that?
I was the primary caregiver for both my parents. I did the best I could and after they both passed, I got on with my life.
I came from a large family of ten children which literally almost fell apart after my father passed on due to pettiness and bickering.
Since I had to process my own grief, I didn't want to deal with them and advised them I wanted two sentimental items from the estate and then, would have no further part in what they did.
Odd, but they came to their senses and stopped their nonsense. We settled the estate in an amicable and orderly fashion. (I had prepared to distance myself from them.) Now, we are a close family once again. My parents would be happy.
However, had they continued with the pettiness -- who knows -- I might not be talking with any of them but I am certain that I would have continued living my life to the fullest with or without them.
I took care of my parents for them -- my mother and father -- not for my family.
I would block this sibling, surround yourself with supportive people and allow yourself time to grieve.
Take care and God bless you.
To your comment about "feelers and doer's"
When I was caring for my Husband I always said that I hoped to make the right decisions when the time came but I am "ruled" by 2 major organs in my body. My Heart and my Brain and that I would hope that my Brain would win over my Heart as I knew that would be the right thing to do.
To "try everything to keep someone alive" is selfish. My brain knew that but the thought of loosing the love of my life was like a knife through my heart.
So I know the feeler and doer from both sides and in one person. I am sure we are all have the feeler and doer in us. It is a matter of what one is going to "win" in making the decisions that have to be made.
We don't choose our family but we do choose our friends. Surround yourself with people who you know care about you.
My husband's relationship with his oldest brother has changed dramatically since my husband became POA both medical and financial. It changed again since my MIL died. He now sees his brother for who he really is: often thoughtless, mostly self-absorbed, emotionally distant, and an alcoholic.
I should add that years later, there were many many medical errors that had we been thinking clearly, could have been prevented. Too late we see this, and blatent medical malpractice was overlooked and unaddressed. Under the duress of the end of someone you love's life, we are lucky to survive with our pride intact.
I am assuming that means her too. If she did, remind her
everyone agreed.
If she was not in on the decision, remind her as medical POA, you made an informed decision w doctor i put.
People respond to grief in many different ways. She definitely is not acting appropriately. Your sister’s attitude may improve w time.
Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father.
Sending you a big hug for your bravery and courage in the face of such a tough situation, my friend.