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I come from a father, mother and sister who were and are narcissists. My father died 6 years ago and I moved in with my elderly 85 year old mother who is now cognitively declining. She is fiesty as hell. She threw everything I own out, clothes, souveniers, etc, and has informed me she is now selling the house and giving away all the antique furniture,(1800), exquisite and collectibles for nothing. I cannot stop her and relatives agree its hers to do what she wants. She refuses to leave me anything. I told her that was the last straw. I am letting her sell but never to speak to her again. Am I wrong for this? I really wanted those pieces and art paintings but my place is a tiny apartment and she is doing this solely out of spite. she is sane but plays stupid solely to me. I've asked others but everyone states its hers even though the antiques were handed down from my fathers side, he passed in 2020. I stayed with her for the past 5 years so she wouldn't be alone. Any help would be appreciated. I have tried talking but it falls on deaf ears and then she argues I am a hoarder for wanting to keep certain items.

Mom gets to do whatever she wants with her property and arguing with her is a waste of your energy. If you choose to help her in her old age, it should be out of love and care only, no expectation of getting anything. Let it go
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Forget the items. They're gone. Are you living in her house or in a small apartment? Does she own the small apartment? If she does, then you need to go and speak to a social worker from your county who can tell you what benefits you might qualify for based on your disability and potentially age. It might take a while to apply and get things in order so you should start right away.

You can't stop her from drinking or hitting you, but you can move out and away from her. You wanted the art and antique furniture but you have no room for it anyway. She's using these things to control you. Count them as the cost of getting free and then make your plans to move out and act on them asap.
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Reply to SamTheManager
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Buy the book Boundaries and read it as many times as you need to. Watch the Surviving Narcissism videos on Youtube with Dr. Les. Find a therapist that has a good background in helping people suffering from NPD abuse by parents. Let the items your mom owns go. Just step away. She gets rid of things just to hurt you. If you don't care about them, that takes away the sting and her power. Start a new life.
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Reply to JustAnon
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First of all, I'm so proud of you for setting boundaries with your mom and deciding to move out and limit contact! You aren't wrong at all, it's the right thing to do. As someone who works in the estate sale and resale business, I can agree with lealonnie1. Families often overvalue their possessions, especially collectibles, when in reality they are worth much, much less. As someone who has dealt professionally with a lot of hoarders, collectors and compulsive shoppers, I can tell you that possessions won't bring you happiness. Let go of your attachment to these things and let of trying to control your mom. You will never be able to fix either situation. Taking care of a narcissistic elder is a nightmare, even if you have legal power like a POA or guardianship. I would honestly advise walking away from the situation. If you feel she is unsafe, you can always call APS and let them handle it. But please don't continue to live with her, and don't waste your energy trying to persuade a willful, stubborn elder. It will never work. It will make you miserable and maybe even sick. It will waste years of your life.
I'm glad you've decided to move out and move on with a new chapter of your life. Enjoy the freedom! When I was 19, I moved 500 miles away and went no-contact/low-contact with my mother. It was the best decision I ever made. At age 40 now, I have no regrets. I've gotten to live my life, whereas she would have sucked it all out of me. It's your turn now. It's not too late. Be free!
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Reply to TinyAlien
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Get a consult with a Probate attorney to see your rights. Laws vary by state, but if father had no Will (five years not too late to file for probate if not already done) then a portion of his estate may go to his children. Spouse does nit always get everything the parent owned if no will. Depends on the state’s intestacy laws.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Why on earth did you move in with a personality disordered mother in the first place? You're giving her fuel by discussing all this with her, empowering her to KEEP torturing you! Move out and on with your life. Help arrange for mother to have paid caregivers to deal with her. She can pay them with the proceeds from all the art and antiques she sells. Furniture has lost a LOT of value lately, and unless she has fabulous oil paintings by famous artists, I doubt they're worth the headaches you're suffering in an attempt to get them.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your first post in October sister had POA and Mom was sane. If Momnow has some cognitivity problems, she may not be able to sell her house. She needs to be evaluated and if found to gave Dementia, she cannot sign any contracts.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Just cut ties and forget about her and the stuff. Maybe if you’re not there to react she’ll stop getting rid of the stuff just to make you mad, and you can take it when she dies. But if not, it’s okay because you don’t have room for it snyhow. No stuff is worth the stress of interacting with her, so just be done and live your life peace with the things you already have and without her.
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Reply to MG8522
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Yours is not a question about caregiving.

Yes, those possessions are hers since she was married to your Father when he passed and everything "pours over" to the surviving spouse. She gets to do with them whatever she pleases.

The more you react to her inflamatory declarations, the more power you voluntarily give her.

I respectfully suggest therapy for you. You are allowing your Mother to control you with money and material things. You even recognize it and yet can't get yourself to stop wanting those things.

MOVE OUT and stop wanting ANYTHING from your "narcissistic" Mother. Stop being dependent upon her for anything. That's the most effect way to stop the sickness and dysfunction. Run away from her and seek therapy.
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Reply to Geaton777
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