Long story short, my fiancé has been dealt a tough card of being the caregiver of a 97 year old, a mentally ill father in his 60's, as well as an uncle who also requires assistance. All three live together, his father and grandmother recently came home from the hospital after a 3 week stay (diabetes and major mental health issues for his father). His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home yet she is extremely weak and requires complete care, but she is cognitively there--just very emotionally fragile. Hard to imagine but she constantly orders her son and my fiancé around. She then cries and my fiancé feels so bad that he gives in to whatever she wants/needs.
My fiancé is completely burnt out. ..took over 3 weeks off work (unpaid) to go to the hospital several times a day, deal with doctors, etc as he was dealing with multiple crisis situations at once with his dad and grandmother. He also had to check on his uncle (who was now alone, doesn't drive, and needs assistance) several times a day during all of this. I was away traveling for work at the start of all of this and he had to also come back to care for his 14 year old dog.
We live together about 30 minutes away. I am a single mom with two little kids and no family nearby and a professional career with lots of travel and heavy work responsibility. I also drive over an hour to and from work on the daily basis and have to cart my kids all over the state for travel sporting events. (just trying to paint the picture here of the situation).
I feel extremely guilty for being very resentful of my fiancé's situation. The situation has become progressively worse. He continues to say he is trying to get it under control so he can live his life, be more available for our family and my kids, stabilize the situation and go back to work, yet I don't see enough forward movement. (hiring more caregivers, etc). I progressively warned him that he shouldn't have them come home without all the help in place since it's unsafe for his gram to be home without people all the time, as well as making sure the house was in his name and not theirs---since there is a chance of a nursing home stay in the near future. She was in a rehab facility but kept demanding to go home, he gave in. Nothing has happened---he continues to drag his feet and do it all.... I'm very afraid he's going to start having major health issues himself from all of this.
I feel so bad for him but also resentful which makes me feel horrible. I feel like his family isn't thinking of him with all of this (him taking off work and then ends up falling on me to pick up the financial slack) and then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.
My issue is that I feel like there's no end in sight and that me and my kids are the casualties with all of this. But maybe I am not being empathetic enough. I truly wish I was able to assist more to take the burden off him, yet my own schedule and life is barely do-able if that makes sense. I have to hire my own help here (cleaning person, etc) due to my crazy schedule and my Childrens crazy schedules.
How can I lessen the burden on all of us?? I am about ready to tell him to go move in with them and maybe we should take a break while everything is figured out. Yet he is insistent that he doesn't want to live there.
I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family. We haven't been able to plan for our own future, plan a wedding or do anything because of having to worry about the next crisis. I am 39 (he's 48) and this all feels very overwhelming--I think for both of us.
I also want to say I feel for all of you that are caregivers. This situation has made me want to strongly plan for my own future so that my children aren't stuck picking up the pieces if I get ill.
It sounds like they need to hire a geriatric care manager to manage this complex situation.
I have a cousin; at one point, she and her husband (both working full time but with no kids still at home) were managing 6 elderly adults. One lived with them; they had 24/7 care for her and their adult children stepped in as well. Two (my aunt and uncle) were in their own home, also with round the clock care. 3 were elderly spinster aunts who were in Assisted Living.
Believe me, this was exhausting just doing the managing. Tell Fiance to take a huge step back, make sure these folks are in care and MAYBE he can manage the "big picture" stuff.
Dad and Uncle both are on disability (and have been since they were in their mid 40s). Both dad, uncle and gma live in the one house but all require care to some extent.
When dad is mentally well, he is functional and can care for the other two. When he is unwell he can be so severe that he barely knows his name.
Fiance isnt in any financial position to care for any of them at this time.
"No, I can't possibly do that."
"I'm out of town."
"If they are competent to be discharged on their own, send them home in a cab. And then I'll call the local TV station and my state representative. We can BOTH play this game."
"Find a rehab that will take him. I don't care WHERE it is."
Just a few suggestions of how to play hardball with the discharge planners at hospitals. Make them do their job.
His grandmother can't be allowed to call the shots here. Neither can his father and uncle.
Your fiance cannot provide the level of care these three people need. No one person would be able to. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and I couldn't handle your fiance's situation on my own.
He is not the only one left to help. He has choices. Homecare is a choice. Nursing home placement for grandmother is also a possibility.
Have a talk with him. The 'who wouldn't help their family' mentality he has is likely based on a good many years of guilting. It's not helping his family if he drives himself into the ground trying to do for them. What good will it do for him to enslave himself to them?
He can help them by arranging for them to be cared for. He does not have to do it himself. If these family members refuse to accept the help you and him can offer, screw them and walk away. Good luck.
If he is depending on you to take care of everything, pay all the bills and he does whatever he "feels" he needs to for his family, I think you have your answer. He doesn't see you and your children as his family. For me? I am not a sugar mommy, hit the road and go take care of your family so I am not being sucked dry emotionally, mentally or financially.
At 48 if he doesn't have the mental fortitude to say no, he will never be able to.
Grandma wants to die at home? Fine, this is what that will take granny, home help, not me.
Daddy's always having mental breaks? Stay on your meds or be committed to get stabilized and placed in an appropriate facility.
Uncle? What help specifically does he need? Find someone, not me.
There's a saying, Crap always runs down hill. There's a reason you feel like you are at the bottom of his list.
Yes, there IS other help available, but gma won't accept it and he accedes to her demands.
As long as he isn't willing to have a "I can't do this anymore, gma" conversation (HARDEST convo I EVER had with my mom; she was in her "right mind" but had had a small stroke and didn't get that I would lose my job if I had to keep running away from work in order to put out fires), he is doomed to lose his life to her F.O.G.--Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Look it up.
I would not attach myself to someone who can't see that he has some hard choices to make in favor of his continued existence.
What resources has he involved in helping his family find care? Being a caregiver doesn't necessarily involve being on site and doing hands on care, nor should it prevent you from earning your living, saving for retirement and having loving relationships with others.
If any or all of those things obtain when you are caregiving, you need help.
For starts, he needs to call the local Area Agency on Aging and get his family members "needs assessments" so that he has a good idea of what they ACTUALLY need and not just continue to put out fires. Experienced Social Workers and RNs who work at these community agencies can see the big picture in a way that most family members cannot.
They can also identify resources (aside from your fiance) that can help with caregiving.
Does anyone have POA and Health Care proxies for these folks?
Some folks see themselves as superheros and like to ride in on a white stallion in the midst of an emergency. Then they get stuck in the trenches and their lives go down the drain because of caregiving.
Grandma should have gone to rehab, not returned home weak and disabled. Is she getting home therapy? Can that be arranged?
We have a poster here named Beatty who says "there will be no plan if YOU are the plan".
If gma is in her "right mind", Fiance needs to ask her what her plan is when he returns to work. He's done his share.
Grandmom went to rehab but complained and complained so he brought her home. She is receiving physical therapy at home now though. She is in her right mind, but her answer is "let me just die at home" with no real plan in place of caregiving and it all falls on him. This is why I am resentful and feel it isn't fair. She is of such sound mind she is able to pay her own bills, keep track of doctors appointments, etc even at 97...just extremely physically weak and very emotional (constantly crying). Its a terrible situation.
Grandmom went from hospital to rehab facility and then was discharged as well.
so if they both went to the ER again it would be starting that same process all over.