Elderly neighbor giving me major grief. Any advice?
My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
Your statement that:
"I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town."
...makes my angry that she is so aggressive but that you've not put her in her place. Why would anyone presume to assume such control over someone's else's life?
Ministry and compassion notwithstanding, this woman needs to be told that you don't respond to her and that what you do on a daily basis is your concern, not hers.
Seems to me the son manipulates her into tolerating his being a loaf of laziness and she then manipulates you.
If you're uncomfortable standing up to bullies, tell her nicely that your own responsibilities have become so much that you won't be able to help her any more. PERIOD. If you're uncomfortable telling her this in person, send her a nice little card with pretty flowers but make it clear you're not her employee.
Don't take her phone calls, ignore her when she comes running after you when you're outside.
You might also suggest that with all the time she has on her hands she find some nice charitable work to do. Even at 84 there are things she can do. Finding some could actually keep her busy.
She'll keep doing this as long as she has someone to exploit and can get away with it.
It sounds like you're a caring person so I suspect this will be hard for you, but it has to be done. Good luck.
Pam makes a very good point, probably better than my "stop it all now" point. If you reclaim your boundaries one by one, it'll be easier on you and you won't feel so bad cutting her off eventually. She might even get the message before then.
In terms of being respectful, she hasn't shown you that courtesy but it speaks well of your character that you're trying to do so. Still, sometimes people don't respond without some strong blunt words and action.
You revealed a lot about your family; from what I know, children of alcoholics sometimes grow up more meek, not knowing where the boundaries are because of the uncertainties of alcoholic behavior. It can be difficult to establish those boundaries as well.
Find your voice with this woman gradually if you have to, but remember it's there.
Good luck, and don't give up.
1. Tell your husband you want to move because you can't take any more. Start packing a few boxes of knicknacks. Maybe you really don't wan't to and maybe you can't, but make the message clear that this has to stop and it is not just cute or mildly annoying. Maybe you should move if none of the options below are do-able or acceptable to you!
2. Post your house and yard No Trespassing.
3. Take out a restraining order. Give your neighbors a copy of it.
4. Setting limits is not "rude." Write that sentence one hundred times in your very best handwriting or typed in every different font on your computer and post it where you most need to see it.
5. Practice saying "We are not on speaking terms, because you call me too often, disrupt my sleep, and ask too much of me, and I need you to leave me alone now. If you do not leave I will call the police." Document the calls so you have evidence of harassment when you do call the police, because you will undoubtedly have to. Otherwise, it'll be, "why are you calling the police on a little old lady who wants to bring you a piece of pie?"
The alternative is to go ALL the way back to square one and decide that this annoying neighbor deserves a place in your home and your heart, and you will engage fully with her, and maybe try a behavior modification program where every annoying thing she says or does is ignored and only postive upbeat things are accepted; but you will keep her embedded in your life for as long as she lives.
Decide which alternative is correct - in prayer, in consultation with your husband, your pastor, anyone else you can trust, and STOP trying to pursue an ambigous course that is something in between. They are absolutely feeding off of your ambiguity. The older woman in particular is not going to be able to grasp any concept of a middle ground of brief civil contact and nothing more. Boundaries are beyond her grasp. You have probably looked down on people or judged them to be cold and selfish who have had to set these kinds of limits, but now you understand.
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