How do I say no to giving care to my in-laws?

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How do I say no to giving care to my in-laws?

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I feel I am being forced to be a care giver by my husband. It is his epectation that I do much of their care. I resent this and it is very negatively effecting every aspect of my life including my physcial and mental health. I am becoming bitter and angry. I do not want to do this anymore. My husband will say that I am not responsible but then almost daily either a caregiver does not show up or he is busy and I am told to fill in as of course he cannot leave them alone. I am considering leaving as my only way out but it is hard after a 33 year marriage that was good up until this situation.

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Maybe a shortterm break is just the wakeup call your husband needs. Is there someone you can visit for a few weeks, while hubby takes over the full range of responsibilities for his parents? A trial separation may help you both see the issues more clearly and provide a background for working on addressing them in the future.

Is there an out of state friend who is always urging you to come see her? How about a sister or cousin? Does a friend own a lake cabin you could borrow for a week? If you stay in a few different places for several days each, you could have time to recharge your batteries while husband gets a realistic look at caregiving fulltime. (I think I'd try to avoid involving the kids if possible.)

Marriage counseling might be a good idea.

Tossing out a formerly good marriage without a lot of effort to salvage it would be sad. Give a trial separation and counselling a try, first.

Are your in-laws living in your house? What is the nature of their impariment?

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robi, I agree, it's time for a vacation. You said on another post, that your kids are all living out of the area, so can you go stay with one or more of them for awhile? Maybe you could babysit the grandkids (if you have them of course) and give your kids a chance to get away by themselves at the same time. That's a twofer right there! Also, sounds like you're a lot more mad at your husband for dumping his folks off on you, and not asking? After all, they are really 'sick' but your husband has full control of his faculties , so that's an issue.
I understand your husband wanting to honor their wishes and NOT be placed in a care facility. But his first commitment is to YOU (his marriage) and his kids, not the parents, so he's dropped the ball there I'm afraid. Why do people automatically think that they have to have a parent LIVE with them in order to 'take care' of the folks when they get old? Either way, it's still taking care of an aging parent no matter how you look at it.

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I had to put my foot down with my family. They dumped everything related to my mothers needs on me, no discussion, nothing. It got to the point I just could not do it anymore. My mother was trying to use me to replace all of the abilities she lost and it kept becoming more and more of my day was expected to be her caregiver even though she had home care and lived in senior housing. I mention this because of what happened next. I put my foot down and told all my siblings they had to find a way to step up and help, even the ones that didn't live in town needed to do something, even if it was just calling to check on her or helping with things they could do from a distance. This devolved into my mother doing some very abusive behavior towards me and I have since pretty much estranged my entire family. After I did that did any of them get a clue? Nooo. They dumped it all on my SIL! My brother is my mother's power of attorney. He initially forced all this responsibility onto me declaring I has so much free time and he was sooo busy. Never mind I work 2 jobs that I had basically stopped doing for this time. So I was losing money we desperately needed. So now my brother has dumped it all on his wife and the lot of my siblings went back to ignoring the situation.

My suggestion to you is to document how much your actually doing so your husband realizes how big this really is. I would sit him down and tell him that it stops and a solution will be put in place. Have that solution figured out, ie: home health care, senior apartments etc. I would tell him how crappy this whole thing is that has been dumped on you without your consent and then take that suggested vacation immediately to give him time to think about all this. When you come back if he has not wised up I would leave permanently.

People get this weird notion in their heads sometimes that caregiving is a mandatory part of being female that you simply must do it or are naturally "wired" to do it. That is just sexist and not the reality of who people are. Just dumping such things on a spouse is really crappy.

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I am wondering if you have put this to your husband in almost the same words you have used here. Have you been totally succinct about how you feel and what you feel on the verge of if this situation doesn't change? I would find a counselor that you can talk to together who can mediate the conversation and help you both understand each other better. This same kind of thing occurs often when a man with children marries a woman without them and he sort of hands over parental responsibilities when he has the kids to his new wife. I think men sometimes 'assume' women are just naturally better at caregiving than women. That is because often women let them get by with it!
Talking and listening to each other goes far to work towards a solution.

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Elizabeth, " Your husband will appreciate your help with his dad." And you know this ... how? Sounds like some appreciation would go a long way in this situation, but robi115 feels taken advantage of, not appreciated.

You are talking about what "should be" but I sense this situation doesn't live up to that ideal. Marriage counselling seems like a good bet here, to me.

And as for it being "temporary," yes, it will end someday ... but without knowing FIL's age, that could be 5 or 10 or 15 years from now. The man is not in hospice care.

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(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I know you feel you are between a rock and a hard place, and in many ways you are. Your husband does seem to have unrealistic epectations of you. Could you, for a while, a couple of weeks or so, document what your days are like, and that you are responsible most of the time? Document when the caregiver does not show up, and when your answer for help from your husband is that he is too busy. Sometimes people will "get it" better when they see the realities in black and white. Also speak to your doctor about how this is affecting your mental and physical health,.and see if he will back you up in that this is too hard for you, and even give you somethiing to help you through this, though meds are not necessarily a permanent answer, they may help tide you over.. Can you find out if there are any other caregivers who could be hired who are more reliable? I agree with others that a facility may be a better option. Have you researched what is available in your area, and what is affordable? I know that seems like a lot of extra work when you are already overwhelmed, but it is towards the purpose of relieving the burden in the long run. In time your inlaws' health will only get worse. Does one or both of them have dementia, and or other conditions like diabetes, heart disease?
I do think you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband, and state that, for you, there has to be change. I think he may get a better grasp on things if you have this information in writing for him to look over - maybe even before your discussion. Some people understand when talked to about abstracts, and some need something more concrete before they understand. I am not against the idea of you taking a break for a while, because then your husband will experience what you go through. I am sure he is having some feelings about the whole situation - not wanting to fail his parents, but he needs to appreciate that he must not fail you either, and if it comes to a choice, you come first. Marriage counselling is a good idea too, and could be part of what you present to him. If he won't go, it still will help you to go alone, as you are about at the end of your tether. You say your 33 yr old marriage was good up until now, so it is not something to be thrown away without doing all you can to solve the problems. These are just suggestions we all throw out. You know yourself, and your husband better than anyone else does. Do what feels right to you, and let us know how it goes, My hopes and prayers are with you. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Joan

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I agree that it would be helpful if you and your husband could have a heart to heart talk about the situation. I also believe (and know from personal experience) that taking a break from the situation (if possible) - does make a difference in helping the husband understand all you do and help him to appreciate you. The stress will certainly affect your health and your husbands health in the long run.

There are no easy answers, but don't think throwing away a 33 year marriage is worth it; but I do agree if you feel like running away!!!

Many of the elderly accept the changes in their lives without expecting everyone around them to be as accepting. Better to be proactive now in planning their care needs and what you can and cannot undertake, for whatever the reasons. Being a caretaker is not for everyone; and there is nothing wrong with that.

Overseeing their care in the form of a facility can work out quite well. Good luck to you.

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Dear Robi115,I can identify with your situation. My husband and I have been married 33yrs also and are doing the same thing. He to asked me to care for his mother who has dementia/stroke. We thought it wouldn't be as hard as it was. This illness has many stages and moms had progressed far beyond what we knew. Set a time to talk with your hubby when the caregiver is there, if he truly loves "You" then he will listen and hear what you have to say! I told my husband it was to much for me to handle and my fears,....thankfully he understood and we worked out a new arrangement for her. Good luck, my prayers are with you.

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Robi, I had a similar situation only it is my husband who needs care. He didn't want me to leave the house but care entirely for him. I solved much of the problem by hiring caregivers from an agency..Home Instead. Agencies are more expensive, but hire one in which caregivers are bonded and have had criminal background clearances. It is the responsibility of the agency to schedule the caregivers so your loved ones are not alone.
If your inlaws cannot afford the caregivers (your husband shoud take over their financial needs as well as get a Power of Attorney), reach out to the Agency for the Aging in your area and hire an elder law attorney. You will save your marriage and your sanity. If I have read correctly, I believe that you've already done caregiving for them. Do they live with you? Be honest and firm with your husband and tell him that you love him dearly, but HE needs to find the solution or you will have to leave even though you HATE the thought. Best of luck , honey. You are in my prayers. Please let us know how it's going. Corinne Sending a hug!

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Rovana again - I would like to add: I worked for years in a Japanese company and was told that it is the duty of the wife of the oldest son to care for her parents-in-law. Needless to say, oldest sons, unless there is a LOT of money involved, have a hard time getting married - Japanese women have some options these days and don't necessarily have to put up with what was all too often a very abusive situation. Nowadays, oldest sons find themselves marrying Filipino, Thai, Indonesian women who are economically desperate.

How do I say no to giving care to my in-laws?

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