Non-cooperation from caretaker (my brother).

If you only knew before setting up an arrangement with your brother how things would turn out. Now you know. He is resentful of you and refuses to work with you. Your only recourse is to get an elder attorney and fight his having guardianship. It would end in disaster for your father, as your brother doesn't have any sense about finances and would most likely destroy his chances of getting medicaid help if he ever needs it. I do think with guardianship he needs to prove how he is handling the money, so maybe he'll learn to be responsible. I really don't know how this is going to work out well though with the two of you not getting along. Is there any way to talk this through with him in person and call a truce? Get him some education on how to budget? A tiny possibility he'll change? But that kind of advice from you may not be welcome. Is there no one else who could talk to him? Good luck.

I would not worry so much about the mail. If he was consistently sending mail and receipts to you for a year, and you are paying all the bills online, he may not be receiving any mail other than garbage.
What kind of receipts was he sending, and has stopped? For his expenses?
It's hard to get someone to make out a budget if they never really have. He may find that too difficult for him to do. Maybe you can help him, over the phone, when he claims extra expenses, ask him what they are for. He may find it easier to do verbally, rather than creating a budget or expense sheet.

If he was sending receipts to you for a year, you can go through and figure out the monthly costs for certain common items purchased regularly. Most of our expenses are pretty consistent. For instance, I know from past purchases how much I spend a month on diapers, wipes, gloves, nutrition drinks, etc. I go through the same amount every month.
I wonder why he is hiding "outstanding bills" that he expects you to pay, but without telling you what they are. He could feel like he's being treated like a child, and resents asking for every cent. If you won't pay for "non-agreed expenditures", does he have any other source of income to pay for his own personal needs? If he is taking care of dad 24/7, he has no money other than what you give to him.
I would feel better if you paid him an income, through a payroll service, which will take out the appropriate taxes. If your brother continues in this job for years, with a "stipend" for pay, he is losing out on contributing to his own social security account and it will hurt him in retirement. Believe me, this is something I never gave much thought to until I turned 62.

If the mediator is doing their job, they should find a way to bring your brother's issues to the table. Isn't that what the mediator is for?

It sounds like you are trying to manage this from a distance. It might be helpful if you can take a week and go see your brother and your dad. Seeing what their day-to-day is like in person may help you to understand their needs and may even get your brother to open up and start meaningful dialogue with you.

Tom, just read your update and think you’d be wise to get legal advice for both yourself and for protecting your father. Not sure if you saw my reply to your defense a bit down, but I could have seen myself in this situation or at least something quite similar with my sibling, and know I would have had to seek legal help to deal with the unreasonable if faced with it. My dad is gone now but it could have happened. I’m sorry you’re in this place and hope it will resolve without a drawn out mess

This is all about bills and nothing about care. Questions:
1) How old is Dad?
2) How advanced is his dementia?
3) How able is D to cope with his ADLs? (Activities of Daily Living)
4) How does D get on with Brother? Are they happy with the current arrangement?
5) Does D see this as ‘care’ or as ‘living together’?
6) You “don’t want to vindictively move D into an adult living center” so that you could “kick B to the curb”. How would D react to you moving him to an Adult Living Centre (especially if he could see that it was ‘vindictively’ aimed at B). Or to you choosing to ‘kick B to the curb’?
7) What care does D need? What care is D getting from B? How are any gaps being dealt with?
8) Your monthly payment “is more than enough to cover daily living expenses”. What about payment for care?
9) What is the cost and the acceptability of any alternative care option? Or any alternative co-living option?

It is clear that you don’t like B. It is also fairly clear that B objects to being asked to account to you for what he does and what he spends. You don’t say how D feels, which perhaps matters most.

Have you considered seeking counseling for yourself?

Wow. Unfortunately, I think you need to consult with a lawyer with this expertise in their home county. Get someone with a good reputation who isn't going to stoke the animosity just to pad the bill. (This is not necessarily a criticism of attorneys -- sometimes one or both siblings escalate out of resentment and grudges and "I'll show you" and the attorney's job is to do what the client wants.)

As I think I said before, I suggest that you take the bills and receipts that you already have, and set up online accounts to autopay and pay off past balances (that are legitimate) to demonstrate that you are acting in good faith and don't want your brother's refusal to submit bills to cause deprivation to your dad.

I know a family member who was an excellent caregiver but made a total mess of the finances, fighting against turning over any of that to competent relatives because of ego issues.

It's a shame and I wish you well.

Since my initial post I have a new stick in the spokes:

Today I received an official notification that Paul has filed for complete guardianship (POA, Health Care Proxy, Property Management, Personal Needs, and all other powers) from the county where they reside.

Now I'm left to wonder if I need to get a lawyer to protect Dad from the scheming son or whether I will just need to let the facts speak for themselves.

I don't think I should be concerned, but should I be ??

In Nov 2025 he reported me to Adult Protective Services for neglect (because I told him I wouldn't provide him any more money until he sent me three months of receipts to justify the money I had already sent him)...After speaking with APS and their reviewing of my handling of Dad's finances (with the detailed records I had) the case was closed in Feb 2026.

Hi TomReardon I am just replying in a new post rather than reply to reply etc which becomes unmanageable.
I hear your frustration. And aside from the satisfaction of knowing you did your best for your dad, your role is 100 percent thankless. I understand that because I have seen similar situations play out among friends and family and even in my own family. But I thought it was important to highlight that your dad is well cared for because often that is not the case. Your dad is not living in a terribly unhygienic situation with a hoarder drug addict brother who has tried to isolate him. Those kinds of posts are not uncommon on these boards. So even if your brother has issues and there is a bit of a dysfunctional family dynamic, I think it is important to keep that in mind because to me it suggests the situation can be modified.

Obviously I don't know your family and the history, etc. so I can speak only from the situations I have observed and from my own experience as POA with my different-from-yours yet difficult and controlling siblings. And the first thing I have learned is that it is nobody's fault there is problem because the setup is bound to create conflicts. Your setup is classic and in my prior post I was just pointing out that of course your brother feels infantilized and unappreciated by your exercising your POA duties. So step number one is to recognize that to no one's surprise and nobody's fault, there are problems.
And for me, personally, step number 2 was realizing that I wasn't going to be able to change anybody. Everybody's personalities were set and we are all in late middle age. Our family dynamic is deeply ingrained in our primordial lizard brains. The only person I had the ability to change was myself and how I approached the situation. And so I worked hard to keep my "I'm in charge of the money" mentality in check and tried to promote a much more collaborative team approach. It is hard! I still slip and you can think you are immune to it but as I said our lizard brains were formed when we were very young and there is something about feeling very important when daddy has told you that you are in charge of the purse. And siblings are naturally attuned to that.
If I were to apply my lessons to your situation, and of course this is a completely theoretical exercise so please don't take offense and it might be impractical, but this is what I would do:
1. Make clear to brother at every opportunity what a great job he is doing keeping dad healthy and happy and that you are appreciative. Also ask if there is anything you can do to support him.
2. Just pay the credit card bills if they are consistent with past amounts. You can always get past statements and check them. The purpose of just paying them is to get going in a new direction.
3. Set up an appointment with an eldercare lawyer and all of your siblings. It is important that all siblings attend, even if by videoconference. This helps with the "team collaboration" approach. The other siblings help diffuse the situation. Then, in the context of meeting with the eldercare attorney, expenses will be the first discussion. Your brother can provide a rundown of the expenses he runs into. I don't think it is necessarily true that your dad can't pay for household expenses such as groceries for others living in the same house. An accountant/financial advisor familiar with medicaid planning for long term care will also be helplful. The reason you put this in terms of medicaid planning, even if you will never pursue medicaid, is because it is a helpful guardrail. Then all your siblings have a reason to cooperate. And in this context you can also discuss what expenses need to be separated and any stipend.
I am not suggesting any of this easy and it might take a while to bear fruit, if ever. But before you go through the hassle of moving your dad, and for your own peace of mind, why not give it a try?

Thanks way. I hit post too soon. OP could add restrictions to the card.

Hi Tom. Have you considered sending your brother a credit card instead of money? All expenses would be documented and you could see where the money is being spent. A family caregiver contract or personal care agreement is the best way to ensure all caregiving responsibilities, financial compensation and other tasks are clearly outlined, understood and agreed upon by all parties.. The contract would formalize the relationship and helps avoid family disputes.

I am actually pretty surprised at the answers below. You said you believe Paul takes good care of your dad. That is no small matter, in fact it is the most important thing.

Caring for your loved one at home us much less expensive than in a facility. You did not mention whether expenses drastically increased or whether you are just annoyed he stopped sending you the statements.

It sounds to me that sibling issues might be clouding your judgment. Your dad shouldn't be a pawn in this. Your dad made his decisions about your brother and he also decided, probably wisely, to make you POA. It sounds like he was fine with the "mooching."

I am not saying your brother is free to spend all of your dad's money however he likes. But your post drips with scorn for him. I think you should find an eldercare lawyer or a therapist or a geriatric case manager who can help you objectively evaluate the situation.

I agree, see an Elder Lawyer.

Wills, IMO, are what ifs, what if I die tomorrow. Your Dad may have left house to brother BUT...if you need to sell that house to care for Dad, the Will means nothing.

Sooner or later your brother will need to fend for himself, you are not legally bound to care for him. Your Dad did him no favor enabling him. I would not pull the rug out from under him but you cannot use Dads money to support him unless you have a caregiving contract. If Dad ever needs Medicaid, supporting brother would be considered a gift and Dad could be penalized.

I too think you should bring Dad closer to you, if he can afford it. Maybe allow brother to stay in the house as long as he can keep up the bills that includes taxes. This means he gets a job. I would make it clear to him that you personally will not support him. By not working, he may not get any SS which means no Medicare. I would put it all in writing.

Thanks for your reply to me below, Tom. It clarifies a lot. Unfortunately there's a lot of defiance in people like this, whether blatant or passive. Defiance against what they should be doing (growing up and providing for themselves), and then defiance against those who they resent for needing them to behave like responsible adults, as you need him to now.

Now that you are getting the mail, can you set up online accounts for all the recurring bills, and set them to autopay? Then you'll know they're being paid and you won't have to rely on your brother to pay them from the monthly stipend. Going online will also enable you to see if any are past due and catch them up.

What if instead of sending a cash stipend, you got a credit card with yourself as the primary and Paul as an authorized user, so that you would have all the expenditures tracked and recorded? You could keep the credit limit low to prevent abuse, and check daily for any unauthorized expenditures.

What is the situation with the house? Does your father have a will or a trust that directs what will happen to it? Is Paul expecting to inherit and stay in it? Could it be sold to pay for your dad's care in memory care, either now or if needed later? Does your dad have enough money to sustain himself, or is needing to sell the house likely inevitable?

You do have the obligation under POA to handle the finances to benefit your father and no one else. It seems that at this point it would be fair to pay Paul for his caregiving. Yes, he has mooched off of Dad in the past, and yes, he is getting free room and board right now. But taking care of a dementia patient is work and if he really is doing hands-on care, rather than just living in the home and letting the paid caregivers do all the work, then he is entitled to a weekly salary or an hourly wage (not necessarily 40 hours, but something fair). Theoretically he would be responsible and use some of it to save for his own future. Whether he does or not, that is out of your hands. But the responsible thing is to give him the opportunity, whether he chooses to use it or squander it. So the autopayments and credit card would be for your dad's benefit, and then Paul's payments would be his own. You'd need to set him up under either 1099 or W2 for tax purposes, so you might need to talk with an accountant or elder law attorney to set this up.

How would doing that, with the current assistance in place, compare financially with placing your father in a facility? You'd still have that as an option, in which case Paul would have to finally launch into adulthood. What would your father's feelings be about that?

I know this is very frustrating. I think of people with this uncooperative mindset as stomping their feet and saying "you can't make me."

Brother is like Peter Pan the boy who never grew up, and dad either actively or passively encouraged this. You’ll not change him now, but that’s not your job. Your role is to act in dad’s best interests, one of which is to preserve his funds for his care. In your shoes, I’d quit playing brother’s mind games, he wants control, but dad wisely gave it to you. Move dad to memory care near you, sell his house to help pay for it, canceling paying for respite care, and other help. Brother needs to stop using a helpless man with dementia as his piggy bank. I’m sorry you’re in this position, but remember, dad chose you for a reason

I would tell Paul that any bills that are outstanding when dad dies will be greatly delayed during the Estate Process so he should keep current with all receipts.
Also tell Paul that any expenses that are not pre approved will not be paid until they are reviewed by the attorney.

You would also be within your "power" as POA to place dad in a MC facility and sell the house that will help pay for his care. Paul can then find another place to live and have to locate another "gravy train" to supplement his income.

What are Paul's background and financial situation? A typical man in his mid-50s would be living on his own or with his own family, in the prime of his career, and saving/investing for his own retirement. How did he become an unsalaried 24/7 caregiver at this point?

Did Paul give up a job to take of your dad? Did he give up a home to move in with your dad? Or has he always lived with your dad and lived off of him? Or somewhere in between?

Go to an Eldercare lawyer.
Have a care contract drawn up that is very specific as to what Paul’s duties are and how much he gets paid. Paul should be paid a decent wage for caregiving , not just expenses . You may be surprised at how much Paul should actually be paid.

.