Has your parent lost his manners?

Question

Has your parent lost his manners?

Follow

Share

81 Answers

I cleaned up more crap yesterday off of her than ever before. She had it dumped out on the floor and all over the toilet seat. I picked the crap up off the floor and put it in the toilet. She got up to clean the rest off, as usual, and I saw that there was more to deal with. I decided she must be put in the shower, so I did. Another big piece dropped to the tub and she was trying to scoot it down the drain. I yelled at her not to do that and grabbed some tp and threw THAT chunk into the toilet. My purpose in telling you this is you had better keep an eye on your bathroom drains. I noticed a few weeks ago that the sink in there was draining slowly. At a closer look, GAG, I saw that her crap was clogging the pop-up!!! I suppose I am becoming desensitized.....I rarely even gag anymore. And, then as she stood at her sink and dried off while I was putting her soiled clothes in the garage, she peed on the floor and just walked away to get dressed. I found it a few minutes later when I went to spray that area with room freshener. Lord knows, it needed it. So, I just got out my Swisher jet, wiped it up with paper towels and mopped the smell away. The Swisher jet mop is my BFF.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I think it's ridiculous to be taking people with advanced AD or D out to eat. I don't believe it's proper for we caregivers to subject the public to this type of behavior. I suppose my aunt got tired of me trying to correct her bad table manners (picking up food with her hands, sitting too far away from the table, licking her fingers and dragging them on the plate...) and decided she would rather eat in her room in front of The Wheel of Fortune. That was a great day in my life!! My husband and I had always sat on our couch in front of the TV while having dinner. When I saved her from herself and brought her into my home/life 24/7, out of respect for her wishes, I put dinner on the table and we had a 'dinner party' every night. Since she has declined to come to the table from now on, I am ecstatic about it! She eats her dinner in peace and so do we now. She leaves her empty, finger swiped plate on her dresser by her door for me to retrieve. Yep, she's the Queen and I am her servant. Shoulda heard her at the dr. appt. two days ago while rolling her walker to the examining room: "I'm so slow. I HATE IT!!! I HATE IT!!"

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Both my grandmother and my father have terrible eating manners/etiquette. I don't blame my grandmother so much, she was at most progressed stages of dementia AND blind, so she couldn't see the food to use a utensil. My dad on the other hand just is crude. Don't really know why. Seems to me almost utilitarian/non-caring on his part, its just the easiest way to get food into his mouth... shove it all in, lick the plate... he doesn't seem to understand how he is perceived, of course, which is the common thread here, don't you think? They don't get it that they are crude. Oh, schwell. I have bigger issues than watching my dad eat. Hugs.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Oh my gosh!!!!! My MIL has started the whole sideways sitting and "dainty" fork holding thing too. It is a recent development. Food ends up on her chest because she is too far away to maneuver it without dropping it. She has always talked with food in her mouth but is much worse about it now and stuff just falls out and if she notices it at all just flings it on the floor! Very embarrassing to sit with her at the ALF so I don't eat with her very often. She too gets angry and offended if I suggest she sit closer or put her napkin under her chin to catch all the falling food. This dementia thing is awful and I pray God takes me before my mind goes. It is so hard on everyone. A second childhood.....more like a second toddlerhood with all the accompanying tantrums, bad behavior,etc.,except you can't discipline an 80 year old!

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I totally agree GGs!!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

learningpeace - Just an idea; my brother and I, who both take care of our mother with AD, always hand a paper to the receptionist at the Dr.'s offices for the doctor with our opinions and concerns on it. Mom doesn't have to have us talk in front of her, and the Doc can just address our concerns during the course of the appointment. Works for us!

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Right on GG... you are so correct. We caretakers don't have many safe places to vent or complain freely! In fact, I just realized, I only have one person, my husband, that I can talk to when I'm most overwhelmed and discouraged with all my mother puts me through... but I share VERY LITTLE, trying protect him from having to hear what I really feel like or what I had to put up with - again - today... or yesterday - or last week/month/year.. So, you're so right... This is a wonderful place for folks to feel safe to speak openly! I apologize for not understanding.. I am still... learning...

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

And thank you Mimijazz for this EXCELLENT suggestion: "I have begun handing a card to receptionists, nurses and diners at the next table in a restaurant thanking them for their patience and understanding regarding my husband's Alzheimer's. It immediately defuses any uncomfortable scenes." I will make up many of these little cards to use and hand out (discretely) to the many, many folks in stores, restaurants, and especially doctor's offices in the days ahead... where I've struggled for 6 years to work around my mother's domineering, controlling and inappropriate behaviors! She gives doctors inaccurate information and when I try to speak up and correct the information, she will "bite my head off" in front of the doctors and nurses, "STOP TALKING to them! This is MY appointment! I'm paying for this! I WANT TO TALK!" *Sigh*

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Sorry, learningpeace. Just because I cannot always tolerate my mother's table manners (or lack of verbal filtering) doesn't mean I treat her with disrespect. Yes, it is hard to watch a previously fastidious parent decline. Yes, their behavior in public can be embarrassing and Mimijazz has come up with an excellent solution to defuse potential problems. I think this forum is great as it gives us all a place to vent and compare notes, and realize we are not alone in this difficult journey. Thanks to all who contribute.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

Finally....! Mimijazz posted a HELPFUL and compassionate and intelligent response to this thread. Thank you Mimijazz. Please folks, re-read what she wrote: "It's tough not to revert to our 10-year-old selves when dealing with our parents' behaviors. Now, the roles are reversed. The major difference is that a child learns acceptable behavior after being corrected by a parent; the parent with dementia never learns no matter how many times you repeat yourself. It only causes friction and frustration for both of you if you try to correct the table manners. We have to stop being embarrassed by our parent's/spouse's behavior and learn to react differently." We are the adults now caring for a parent (or spouse) who cannot help growing old with the many debilitating physical and mental disorders that are, often and sadly, part of aging. Don't you think they would be embarrassed and responsive if they were their 30-year-old selves again? Would you, as an old person, want to be treated with disgust or the insensitivity that you've described as how you're treating your parents? Yes, yes, yes, it's a very difficult position to be in, often personally uncomfortable, to be an adult caretaker of a aging, ill, mentally deficient parent or spouse. BLESS YOU and THANK YOU to all of you for all that you are doing for them, as best as you can... if you're open to it, you can grow into a more compassionate and understanding person yourself, because of these difficult days of caretaking.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Unfortunately, as caregivers, our sensitivities and etiquette preferences are no longer paramount. We must adjust to our loved one's altered realities. There is no malice in their actions. It's tough not to revert to our 10-year-old selves when dealing with our parents' behaviors. Now, the roles are reversed. The major difference is that a child learns acceptable behavior after being corrected by a parent; the parent with dementia never learns no matter how many times you repeat yourself. It only causes friction and frustration for both of you if you try to correct the table manners. We have to stop being embarrassed by our parent's/spouse's behavior and learn to react differently. I have begun handing a card to receptionists, nurses and diners at the next table in a restaurant thanking them for their patience and understanding regarding my husband's Alzheimer's. It immediately defuses any uncomfortable scenes.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Yes i have to leave the room when mum eats! this happened along time ago maybe 3yrs when she started talking with mouth full YUK! now eats and makes horrible noises eats with hands i make sure she washes her hands before any meals i even give her handy wipes.

The first time i knew something was VERY wrong was her not washing she would have a bath everyday now lucky if once a week?

She also orders me to do something and i have to remind her to say please gosh id have had no hands left if i spoke to her the way she speaks to me now. Its just awful and very embarrassing when out in restaurants. I have to stop her eating with her hands god love them though my mum was always a real glamourous lady who wouldnt be seen without make-up and well dressed now she couldnt careless that shes wearing her slippers into town!!!!! heart breaking to them reduced to this.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I love the vain teenager comment. That is so much like my life. My Mom is 91 and has always been vain and very proud of her "slimness". Food was becoming an issue because she was never hungry but wanted to eat off my plate. No thanks I already raised toddlers and do not tolerate that behavior. Now I do not ask, just make her a little something, put it in front of her and she eats.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

What a great forum! My 87 year old mother is exhibiting some of these behaviors: sitting sideways in her chair (maybe because it is hard to move?), always spilling food down her front by not leaning over her dish, weird mouth noises when she chews and especially gulping when she swallows. There have been times when I've made excuses not to eat at the same time she does. She also eats very slowly and is still at the table when everyone else is long gone. Then she will comment about how she takes the time to enjoy her food (implying others don't) but ask her what she had 2 minutes later and she can't tell you! Lol. I have a 2-1/2 year old granddaughter who has better table manners. The disease is a real heartbreaker and challenge.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Sounds like dementia. The niceties of polite dining just go out the window at some point, along with the mental filter that stops the rest of us from swearing and making rude comments.

Could you dad's eyesight or reflexes be failing, so he doesn't notice that he's become a sloppy eater? Maybe his dentures are loose and eating is becoming painful. Does he eat this way when he goes out to dine or if you have guests? It could be that he just feels like manners no longer matter if it's just close family at mealtime.

MIL has become a food Nazi. She's always been very vain about her slim figure, but lately she's started commenting about various food items on restaurant menus as being fattening, and declaring that she's not going to eat again for 24 hours, or some other ludicrously long period of time, after she's had what she considers to be a large meal. We let her order whatever she wants, so it's not as if we're trying to foist fattening food on her. I don't understand why she feels the need to comment on the presence of entrees on the menu that she doesn't approve of, unless it's to show off that SHE would never eat such things.

Husband and I wanted to go to a barbecue restaurant when we were on a trip with her recently, but she nixed that on the grounds that we were eating "too much of that kind of food."

We hadn't been eating any barbecue at all,or anything remotely like barbecue. We don't have any kind of health or weight problems that would preclude us from eating whatever we feel like, so her comment was baffling. She also likes to talk about how he sister, who died almost two years ago, had a lifelong struggle with obesity, but SHE has never been fat.

She's like a vain teenager when it comes to her figure, which is funny in a sad kind of way, because she's nearly eighty-one and her days of being a smokin' hot babe are long gone.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

LOL, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this thread! I thought we were alone in this madness! The only thing I have been able to do the last few years is to have a very large floral centerpiece on the table all the time. As a retired florist, I can blame it on my love of flowers, but really it is there so I don't have to look at the disgusting behavior. Does nothing for the sound effects, but at least I can eat at the table still.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

and she uses her hands to eat everything....she thinks that's funny.....its not

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

GayleV , my mom does the opposite. She brings the plate right to her face. Like a dog eating out of a dog bowl. Its horrible.......

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

It was the same with my Mom, with her dementia. And now, Dad has developed the same issues with his. Sitting at the table with him can be revolting. And one of the difficult parts of dementia behaviors is that they don't all progress at the same rate. They might not be so far along with their other behaviors, that they wouldn't be expected to eat at the table anymore, but really are not "civilized" enough with table manners to tolerate. I haven't come up with any good way to handle this, so unfortunately, others at the table (like my husband) are making excuses to: "need to eat late, or I need to make a business call, so go ahead and eat without me." I find myself, tending to the stove and the dishes instead of staying at the table through the meal.

I have to ask, does your mother do this, at the table : My grandmother, and my mom, and now my dad all developed one dementia behavior that drives me nuts. They come to the table, and pull out their chair, and sit somewhat sideways in it. Then refuse to pull it back up to the table. They eat by reaching way out, with a precariously held fork, and carry the food back to their mouths, loosing most of it onto the table, floor and their laps along the way. It's like you said, if we had done the same thing when we were children, we would have been scolded, or banished from the table. ....I think I understand them losing their manners, but insisting on eating like this makes no sense to me at all.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

My Father just passed away and my Mom came to live with us. She is doing the same thing. If I would have ate like that when I was a CHILD she would have yelled at me. Its to the point where we don't want to eat around her because of all the disgusting noises she makes while eating now. I would have never associated this with dementia until I just read above comment. She also has started just taking a bath 1 time a week. Shes the kind of women that if I bring these things up with her she will take it as criticism and be angry at us.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Dad is showing early signs of dementia and you might look around for other clues, like hoarding stuff, buying the same things over and over. Not reading the paper. Car scratched up on all four corners. Bills not getting paid or being paid twice. Not bathing. Not changing clothes. Start going with him to MD visits.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

1 2 3

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Has your parent lost his manners?

81 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions