It ended, now is the great unknown. It has been a year since mom passed.
My mind is over-thinking, worrying, etc., but my body can't move.
Doesn't help being unemployed at 55 either, nor is self-medicating. The doctor gave me Wellbutrin, I hardly feel better, but it helps pass some time. A ship without a sail, all alone, is it just boredom?
Money worries? I relish the good old days. I am a man without concrete plans on what’s is next. Just rough sketches. I feel hard to stand up for myself after 10 years doing this for both parents. Is this just common anxiety that everyday people feel? I felt better when everything was right, they were around, and I was working.
Habitual thinking about the negative aspects of your loss is at play here, interacting with depression about your own aging, job difficulties, and etc. Most of us after a year are able to remember that there is something to be said for someone having passed after a good life and care, and having now no further torments to face down in life. We begin to remember the fine memories.
You describe your anxiety and your depression well, and you understand the roots of it. We all face trials and hardships and all the psychologist wants to hear is that we have some plans, some goals, and are OK with working it through day by day. When we feel paralyzed by it we need help from the experts, so I suggest you seek out a really good cognitive therapist to help you shake up your world. It is TOUGH. I kid you not. The easier path is the one in which we stay stuck in the mud even when it gets us nowhere.
My heart goes out to you. Get help. I am 81 so here to tell you that you are SO YOUNG and can have a lifetime ahead of you.
Did I grieve? Absolutely, I grieved but I also found a sense of relief and peace. Relief that my responsibility for my parents was over and peace because they were no longer suffering.
Neither of my parents would have wanted me to grieve forever once they were gone. I am quite sure that your parents would want you to be at peace now too.
I looked forward to resuming my life as I had known before caregiving.
What activities did you enjoy most in life before you were a caregiver? Have you lost contact with friends?
Have you spoken at length with a therapist about your feelings? It’s worth the effort that you put in, if you’re willing to do the work.
Are you willing to make a commitment to explore what is holding you back from living your life in a productive manner? A good therapist can help you achieve this goal.
I am very sorry that you are struggling with your emotions. I wish you peace and joy in your life. When all is said and done, I hope that you will be able to remember the happier times that you shared with your parents and live a meaningful life.
You say the doctor gave you Wellbutrin but did your doctor suggest that you talk to someone? A therapist may help you find the reason you seem to be stuck.
Any job might help just to get you feeling like there is something you can do. Get to job fairs. Seek an employment agency if you want more help. If you are a Veteran the VA does have job fairs and job listings.
Don't expect a pill to do all the work.
**sorry if that seems harsh
There's the uncertainty of your future because you don't work and also grief over the loss of your parents and the loss of yourself too. If you have been doing this and not working for ten years that's going to strike a real blow to your self-worth and self-confidence.
You say that your mind is overworking but your body doesn't move. That sounds a lot like clinical depression to me. Do you go to therapy as well as taking medication? Maybe you should be on disability temporarily to relieve some of the fear and worry. This way you can start coming back to the world. Like going back to school or learning an employable skill.
Talk to your doctor about it.
55 is still pretty young--time for a 2nd career and not one in elder care!
My DH is going through this. He had to retire, literally, in one day when his YS called, crying, that she couldn't take care of their mother any more. He didn't get anything--just packed his box with 45 years worth of a career and went directly to babysitting his mother for a solid year.
He's really depressed and won't address it. Affecting everyone. Please put yourself first and take care of yourself mentally and physically.
How about working as a companion (not caregiver) to the elderly? You have experience with the age group, and so many need help getting to appointments, worship, store, getting dressed, going for a walk, etc. Men who are companions are rare but much needed because the male elderly miss the camaraderie of being with guys. Even sitting and watching a baseball game with them is something that their families would pay for.
I recently found a male companion for DH and it has been a godsend one morning a week.
That doctor didn't do you any favors by doling out a drug before trying other avenues. Do please take care of your mental health, it will help turn those rough sketches into fine artwork.
Condolences and best wishes for your next chapter.