She is 74 but very frail. Her middle daughter died in a car accident 7 years ago and it has been very hard on her. Her husband has been gone for 22 years. She lives in Fl without any family nearby and we live in Texas. We have been trying to make sure our family or my husband's sister sees her every 3 months. But she's loney and just listens to books on CD and sleeps and drinks Boost. It seems ridiculious for her to be alone so far away, but she won't come if she has to live any where but with us. She "friends" who she can call in a bind, but can't even grocery shop on her own because her feet are so bad. We have offered her to come live with us and our 2 kids who are 14 and 17 to coax her closer. She is warming up to the idea and now I am panicing! Infact it looks like she will be coming in November, and I am scared. We have a large house all the kids come to. We have 1 dog and she's bringing a cat and small dog. I don't even like cats a little. She just mentioned she doesn't always make it to the bathroom. WHAT AM I GETTING INTO? She was a nurse though and is pretty realistic. I am only willing to do so much (because BELIEVE ME MY MOM WILL WANT WHAT EVER I DO FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW x 100). We have always had a good relationship, but reality is, my husband will be of very little help, partly because of work, and partly just because. We will have 2 in college next year but are in better financial shape than most and she has a suppliment on top of medicad. Her feet are terrible she should use a walker but doesn't and now her hands shake. Her bones don't heal very well. Her jaw elbow and feet have never healed properly but other than that and high blood pressure she is pretty good. What do I need to do to prepare for this and how do I set expectations for the future?
Seriously, you need to meet with a Geriatric Case Manager for a consultation, or, better yet, with a marriage counsellor with experience in elder caregiving. I know how husbands brush us off. He needs to understand that your sanity is just as important as his fantasy football. If he can't agree to shoulder a certain part of the load, don't let her move in.
There's a cool book called Spousenomics, about dividing the work fairly based on relative skills and a kind of fairness that doesn't mean just splitting everything blindly down the middle. Make him read it!
Good luck!
I'm guessing that your MILs cat is not a youngster. If it was her mentality that outdoor cats are acceptable, I suppose you can acclimate the cat to your new neighborhood and continue the same circumstances. But if a cat has been an indoor cat, please do not turn it out into the "wild" so to speak, assuming because it is a feline, and "god intended it to hunt and kill things", that it will be able to easily adapt to the outside. I have been an active volunteer with spaying/neutering organizations and rescue/placement for over 40 years. Depending on the temperament and personality of an indoor cat, arbitrarily outing them has produced many tragic results.
As difficult as it is to take on the responsibility of absorbing your MIL into your household, please also feel responsible to treat the cat fairly as well. If it is an indoor cat and you don't feel you can handle that for the long term, spend some time finding a new home. You will have control now and you don have to upset MIL with the truth of that if she is adamant about keeping the cat. You can always re-home the cat but tell MIL the cat went to the vet and was very sick, etc. Most elders cope better thinking their pets went to doggy or kitty heaven than having you take the pet away from them. Just some therapeutic lying to do the right thing for the pet on the one hand, and ease the elder's mind on the other.
Your mother-in-law wants to stay with her son and his family because she was afraid to come to a strange state and be surrounded by strangers in an asst. living or retirement community. But with some time, that could change. Be sure to get her involved with other seniors while she's with you, so she'll feel comfortable leaving the nest. Also, your husband is a big kid and likes his toys, which if someone can afford the money and time to play, then that's fine. But you and he need to sit together and decide just how much involvement he thinks he can do with his mother. My husband, though he loves his mother, rolls his eyes every time I tell him he needs to go visit her at the memory care we just put her in. He'll do it, but I swear if I didn't mention his mom, he'd never think of her. It's just not in him to embrace the idea of taking care of his mom. So, if your husband is like that, then lay it out as to what you'll be needing him to do. Keep it real though, knowing that he'll not follow thru with anything you know in your heart he'll never do. He DOES need though, to financially help you in anyway you might need. Whether that be to hire outside help in ANY form you need too. You can do this. This arrangement doesn't have to be forever in my opinion, just till she feels safe. As for the cat, make sure it's an outside cat and if it's not, it's time for that cat to see the great outdoors. Cats should be outside hunting and killing stuff like God created them to do anyway. So if you know the cat is going to drive you crazy and cause grief, tell mother-in-law the cats new life will be OUTDOORS. ♥ You can do this. Also, I think your own mother as a former nurse could be a resource for you when it comes to the health part. Your mom may feel abandoned while you adjust to this, so keep her in the loop. Good luck.
September is almost here, good luck!!
Start out as a team in caregiving. Act like you can handle it alone, and everybody will be happy to dump it in your lap. Call a family meeting; workout schedules where your husband's siblings take her for weeks at a time. Right now your MIL won't need a lot of help. One fall and that will change everything. Encourage her to got to rehab and build her muscles. Fall proof your house, grab bars in the bathroom, remove or tape loose rugs.
It ain't easy, but it is worthwhile. It has completely changed me. I have grown as a person, so much. It is the most unselfish, loving, hard thing I have ever done. I have a sense of peace, acceptance, and happiness. Good luck we are here for you.
My mom is 83 and is in great shape physically. My mom has outlived 3 of her 5 children so far, and I am hoping I outlive her for her sake.
Going by your own words, you're MIL is a "selfless" person. Ok, work with that!
Talk about how much easier it is for her son and her grandchildren to have her near. In IL or AL, she would still have her privacy but her son and grandchildren could enjoy her presence much more often, etc. Get her on board with a local move to her own residence for the benefit of her son and grandchildren. You will soon find out if she is truly selfless. You might mention, if you think it would appeal to her nurses background, how much better it would be for her son and grandchildren to have her much closer in the event anything were to happen so it would lessen there worry when they can see her so quickly, etc.
My first very flippant reaction was "Get a divorce and run for your life"
Your MIL does not have a choice in this you are in charge, it is your home and family. Old nurses are stubborn old creatures. Has she told you anything else you need to know other than the incontinence? The suggestion of staying with her or nearby is a good one for a week so you can really get an idea of what is going on.
You mention that your daughter is in college and MIL could have her room. What happens when she comes home for vacations? That room is your daughters sanctuary and unless it is your daughters suggestion should not be taken away from her.
Research your options and when MIL asks for your help decide what you are prepared to do. Take the same approach with your own mother. Don't be guilted into something you don't want to do. take a deep breath, count to ten and good luck.
Dont take her in even temporarily, it will only be harder to get her out into a new place. This isn't selfish at all. It's a huge responsibility and an elders care needs only escalates. If your gut is having you second guess your original offer then its telling you something and hubby should support.
If he doesn't then lay down the law, you want MIL to pay for in home help a few mornings a week so that you can do your normal activities and duties to keep the normal family routine humming. Also you want a housekeeper 1x a week. Also lay out a schedule where you go off on Sat and Sun for awhile while he is home so he can be with her and help her for extended time.
Caring for loved one is an honor and a burden and a huge family sacrifice. Kids fantasize how nice to have grandma there but the reality is something different. They're still running out to be with friends and will still want your attention to them and their schoolwork, sports, running them to dance etc and will not understand the sacrifice required. Could lead to resentment. Don't count on any help from the kids.
If you can afford 24/7 live in care it might work out. You have no idea how much of your family's lifestyle will be affected if you do this on your own.
I know this sounds brutal but it is what it is! I wish you all the best.