How do you regain confidence after verbal abuse from elder?
My MIL (dementia) verbally attacks me pretty much all the time when we are alone. She is nice to others and they will never know or understand how abusive she is to me. I never really understood verbal abuse till now. Even though I know the truth.............hearing the opposite over and over can break down anyone.
My question is about confidence. I am a widow of 3 years. My husband gave me so very much confidence and I loved being married to him. He had my back! :) After he died, I lost confidence in myself and struggled with an identity crisis as many widows do. Anyway, I was finally able to gain some of myself back. But now, my MIL's verbal abuse is knocking the chair right out from under me. There is no one in the room so I suffer her truly bitter and cut throat comments etc alone. When someone else comes over, they think she is nice. By then, I a timid little mouse in the corner. I have confided in some good friends but in the end............at night and alone, I feel my confidence sinking.
I read in your profile that you are a Christian. I have to borrow words from Joel Osteen -- that you are a child of the most high God. Maybe reminding yourself of that each time she says bad things will help you to show yourself and her compassion. Personally I think you're remarkable, helping your MIL and FIL after losing your husband. I read that you work from home, so know it is a good situation for all of you as long as you can make it work. God bless you for your compassion, Marialake. Don't let the mouse nibble at your cracker on the inside. You are better than all that.
It is already better with hospice (as of this week) but emotionally, remains yucky. I do have help from my own wonderful children (married with little children) but I was just asking about the confidence thing because I've noticed how quiet and "wallflower-like" she makes me. I feel like I have to apologize for breathing. Just talking about feelings here.
You could play the recordings back to her.
You could let others listen to them, and get their opinions and advice.
What I'm thinking is that if you were able to review what passes between the two of you when you're alone, you could analyse it more critically. Listen item by item and rebut each one. I should have thought it would be a racing certainty that, at the very least, you will see that you are absolutely not at fault, which might be a reassuring thing to bear in mind. But you might also see, perhaps, what's setting her off and get some new ideas about how to divert her.
it seems very wrong that you are in the situation where you are still grieving over the loss of your husband, and yet are still having to cope with your MIL. Double whammy. I applaud your sense of duty (if that weren't there you'd just tear everything up and start again, rather than go through this horror), and your ability to continue to care; but… are you sure it's worth it? Can you reasonably expect yourself to stay the course?
I suppose my evil twin is also thinking "two can play at that game." Except that you would have truth on your side. But, on the other hand, except that a decent person like you wouldn't dream of it..!
Don't you dare apologise for anything. No. Start claiming credit, and demanding recognition. You are the stronger person - because you're still there, and still caring.
Do I remember correctly that your FIL died not long ago? Has MIL's abuse worsened since then?
Also, get a tape recorder and record that mess without her knowing it. Play it back for her when you're alone. Then tell her that you'll play it for everyone that walks through your door so they'll REALLY get to know her. Then threaten to boot her into a nursing home. That should shut her up. lololololol
How about this. When she says something, stop dead. Turn and look at her. Ask, "Did you just say such and such?" repeating her words. If she denies it, say, "I'm glad to hear that, because my husband's mother was too much of a lady to say something like that." If she admits what she said, then say, "If that's how you feel about me, you certainly don't want me to cook dinner for you." And walk away. Go to your office for a while. When you come back, you can pretend it didn't happen, but call her on it every time. She may not stop doing it. You, however, are telling yourself that you are a person who deserves to be treated well.
A gentler version would be to repeat her words, and say, "Is that what you really think about me? Or are you feeling unhappy today?"
It would be a sin on her soul if she hurt you so badly and destroyed your confidence. By responding, and protecting yourself, you are doing her a service, too. God bless you.
I have totally given up having a life of my own to care for my mother and she can cut me to the bone with her remarks! I am literally the ONLY person who does ANYTHING around this house and that is no lie, but she will say things to me about how "I never do anything around here, I just want everyone to think that I am so high and mighty" and the comments just keep going. I have had to pay for repairs to HER house, I have paid for landscaping, painting inside and outside, furniture, rugs, pictures....literally everything has been taken care of by ME.
Now mind you I have a Nasty sister who lives with us and she literally does NOTHING!!! Her mission in life has been to make me and my life miserable!!! I am not kidding about that, it is a living hell!!! She takes care of her personal items, her bedroom, laundry and bathroom and never lifts a finger to do ONE THING AT ALL AROUND THE HOUSE, EVER, EVER, EVER!
This being said, that is why I am devastated when my mother berates me for no reason. I feel like saying, FORGET IT, PACKING UP MY BELONGINGS AND WALKING AWAY more times than I can say. People will tell you "Oh don't take it personally, it is only the disease talking!" To that I say baloney!!! When someone talks nasty to you and cuts you to the bone, it hurts no matter what!!!
The thing is, it really is the disease and it keeps getting worse. I began saying to my mother, "I am not having this conversation with you!" I walk away! I leave the room. If your MIL can understand anything, I would honestly say to her, "I do not appreciate your tone of voice or the things you say to me, if this is going to be your behavior then you can sit here alone." I would leave.
Honestly I do not understand why you have taken both in laws into your home while your mother lives alone. I don't know if this was the only way you could keep the house or does the house belong to them???
You cannot continue to let this woman say these horrible things to you and hurt your feelings. You cannot let what this woman says to you hurt you so much. She is literally losing her mind and she is beating the crap out of you with her wrath! You do not have to take it!
Honestly, I never would have let my in laws move into my house while they are this ill. They need to be living in a facility somewhere and you need to get your life back. If you just took this on to be a Godly person, I would immediately begin looking at an alternative. YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MIND WITH TWO INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE THIS ILL!!! I HONESTLY BELIEVE GOD WILL UNDERSTAND! SO WILL YOUR HUSBAND.
There is a great exercise in the book Children of the Self-Absorbed where you imagine a barrier between you and the other person who is verbally abusive. The barrier can be anything that makes you feel protected - steel doors, a wall of pillows, anything. I usually imagine a giant book (since I love to read).
Talking to a counselor or pastor can help. Remind yourself that people think what they think and feel what they feel and that it has nothing to do with you. Just because someone thinks something doesn't make it true. Just because someone says something doesn't make it true, either. People say hurtful things unthinkingly and often can't express their fears or feelings maturely. Verbal abusers rarely admit they do these things. Confronting her might not make her admit what she is doing.
I like what someone else said about come backs and quips, but I've rarely been good at that.
Look for books and articles in the library or online about building your confidence and protecting yourself from others' opinions and verbal abuse. It takes effort and work but it can only really be done by you. You may have to work on this every day. But you can do it.
"Doing the right thing" also means protecting your own health, physical and mental. Don't give that up for an abuser.
too much emotion, underreactiveness by all parties involved.
Tell her upfront that you will continue to care for her but will not tolerate further abuse and everytime she starts in you will leave the room no matter what you are doing for her. You have a very good support system so don't be afraid to use them and get away when you can.
God Bless You.
You're singing my song. Antidepressants and pain medication can make a real difference. The bad thing about antidepressants is that it can take a long time to find one that works. One good thing is that there are so many different ones to try. The other is that eventually you will find one that helps.