My sweetheart passed away a few weeks ago. I very much regret the times I was angry with him. He had dementia for seven years. There were difficult times when he refused his medications, taking a shower, etc. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Be kind and patient with your loved one.
Regarding regrets, I now see them as normal. I had regrets too when my mother passed away last year.
I also know that when I was at my breaking point many times and couldn't take anymore so I got angry with my mother, if anyone told me at that moment that I needed to be kind and patient, I'd scream at that person for not understanding what I was enduring.
It is easy to be kind and patient when you're not stressed out to the max. And it is easy to say be kind and patient when you no longer have to be a caregiver.
Don't beat yourself up, we are humans, don't fall into the regrets mindset, it is counterproductive and will not bring him back or allow you to move forward in life.
Sorry for your loss.
I would bet your sweetheart knew how much you loved him. Celebrate that. Celebrate your sharing and closeness. We aren't Gods. Perfection is surely worth striving for, but the expectation that we can get there is likely not going to be met.
I am so very sorry for your loss. If you have these moments of wishing you had been better, know you aren't alone. We ALL wish we had not lost our temper with those we loved. And DO remember to celebrate that you gave loving care, that this made a huge difference for your man, and that, were he here now to talk about all the times you both went wrong you would likely get a giggle or two out of it. We do thank you for the reminder. And I will remind YOU to be kind to yourself; that's what your man would want.
It's especially hard when we're caring for someone with any of the dementias, this I know first hand.
After my late husband died over 2 1/2 years ago now, I too started to have feelings of regrets with the should have, could have and would haves. Thankfully though I stopped them very early on as I knew in my heart of hearts that I did the very best job I could have done under the circumstances with my husband and his care, and I knew that he knew that I did my very best as well and that gave me great peace.
I know that you too did your very best, so don't waste your time on any regrets. Instead try replacing those thoughts with happier memories the 2 of you shared.
I am sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time now to grieve the man you loved, and take good care of yourself.
God bless you.
My grandmother would say many wise things. One thing that I will always remember is her saying that ‘everyone’ has good and bad traits inside of them.
Absolutely no one is perfect, so why should you expect perfection from yourself?
Do you think that your husband expected perfection from you? I highly doubt that he did and surely he would not want you to have these regrets now. He knew that you loved and cared for him.
In time, after your raw grief heals, you will be able to focus on the most important parts of your relationship that you had with your husband and you will be able to forgive yourself.
If you feel that you are stuck in an unhealthy stage of grief, please consider seeking out a grief counselor to talk about your feelings.
Wishing you peace as you reflect on these unpleasant memories and I hope that soon you will be able to focus on the meaningful moments that you shared.
I never realized until after both my parents had passed, that it wasn't Dad fault for saying that, that it was probably was my Mom [[90+] wanting to go here and there. I honestly believed my Mom was in denial of Dad's age, that she still viewed him as being a young fellow who could do anything.
Mom refused to ride with a stranger so cab/Uber were off the table. So was the senior bus as how embarrassing would that be if the neighbors saw a senior bus picking them up. We helped drive them as much as we could, we were seniors ourselves.... [sigh]
I was the daughter who could be made to feel guilty. I refuse to feel guilty with the care I gave my Mom. Every time it tries to surface I push it back down. Patience is not one of my virtues and not my Moms either. I was it and always was. My brothers didn't even call to see how things were going or talk to Mom. I would not let this upset me. They have to live with themselves, not me.
This disease is unpredictable, no ryhme or reason to it. I like order, I like rules and boundries. I had a real hard time with Dementia because you never knew what was going to happen next. We are only one person with no experience trying to help a love one. No time to ourselves and rarely enough help. So give yourself a break. You did enough.
"Don't Should on yourself"
And to quote my Grandma..
"If wishes were horses beggars would ride"
If we had no regrets we would not be human.
If at some point in time caring for someone if you did not lose your temper that would be highly unusual. Think of all the times your parents got angry with you when you were a child...think of all the times you got angry at your kids, co-workers, friends. That is because you are human and they are human. No one is perfect.
You forgive yourself.
You apologize ..if they understand, great but say your sorry even if they m ight not understand.
If you get angry..
leave the room if it is safe to do so.
If you are having more angry times than not accept that this might be more than you can handle and get caregivers to help you.
If needed begin looking for a facility that can care for your loved one at the level they need. (Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.)