My attempt to seek advice on this topic follows on from my post "Mother with narcissistic and histrionic traits reported me to the police. Any advice?"
All my friends, and all those who replied to my above post, are in support of me and have said "do not talk to your mom anymore". Your advice is sought on the "funeral" issue as you probably hold more experience in these issues than my friends do.
The situation in short. My 80yr old (adoptive) mother has put me through hell since I was a kid, and recently her behavior moved to extreme (everyone I know says this is one of the worst cases they've heard of). I "was" the "door-mat", sorting out her affairs since a kid (all but housework). Mom is Italian and only speaks pigeon English and she has an intellectual disorder, and personality disorders. Time and time again I was abused to a severe level (not physically). What I was subjected to, especially recently, falls in the "extreme" category. Loss of job, loss of money (50K), and mom told proven lies to the police, and even suicide intention at one point (I got help for this). Mom did not give 2 "rats" about me, only HER needs mattered.
I am an only child. The only people who talk to my mom are:
- My son (who is abroad in the UK teaching)
- A small few of my mom's relatives on my dad's side, by phone only (sister in law, and a couple of nephews) - they rarely see her in person.
I, her sister and her biological nieces (her sister's kids) DO NOT speak to her.
Now, I hold a PhD, so I'm not silly - I am the keeper of all the 1) family history 2) family information 3) ability to get things done. My (adoptive) dad's funeral, I organized entirely. I even quit my job when he was dying, to provide help. Dad died of asbestos cancer, and at this time through lawyers I got mom and dad $400, 000 of compensation! Everyone said the funeral was excellent! I went above and beyond in all respects.
I was her POA (at her request), but I removed that after the horrific incident she subjected me to last year.
My son and other people probably would not even be able to put together any eulogy etc. Their knowledge of mom's life history is limited.
I do not speak with any (adoptive) family either now. They saw my mother treat me badly, and they did the same. ONLY when they need something did they make contact with me. I now keep more in contact with my biological/real father.
WHO is going to organize the funeral? Mom is only getting sicker, and the day will come in the next few months or years.
I had read books about doing the right thing even if abused, to break the cycle of abuse, BUT the abuse led me to experience severe negative outcomes in the end.
WHO is going to organize the funeral?
I will not do it. I can't face this.
The most dutiful daughter (me), was turned into someone who now cannot partake any longer. I cannot get sicker, as I've already lost job and 30kg of weight at what she recently put me through.
I want to be prepared for what to do.
Should I say to my son (whom is overseas), look it's up to you now. He lived with mom for a few years because his university was 2 mins away from her house. He reaped many benefits from this - free accommodation and meals fully prepared for him etc. That was mom's choice, not mine, to do everything for him.
Should I hand this over to a funeral director and provide contacts of relatives for them to contact, to write the eulogy etc.?
Other option(s)?
I won't be there and I want no part of it, after what she did to me. I will get even sicker than I am. I will not be contacting any family to tell them the news. I did all of this with dad's death, BUT I won't be doing it for mom.
IDEAS? I sincerely appreciate this, with my heart.
PS mom already has an expensive pre-paid plot at the cemetery.
When her husband died, a relative of mine had no funeral, obituary, or even notified his relatives (they did not contact him while he had a long battle with cancer).
Since I have terminal cancer, my son and I have planned my final journey. I will be cremated with ashes scattered in the mountains. No funeral or any service. Obituary published in two newspapers. He will send text messages to a few people to notify I have passed. There is no need to waste money on a funeral, because the last of my close friends died a few years ago and most of my relatives are too old to travel the distance.
Please don’t worry anymore about what to do about your mother. Life is too short to waste on some people.
If possible, make sure you have copies of everything she pre-arranged with the funeral or make an appointment to make sure everything is in order. My mom made her arrangements back in 1989 and me and my sister had a meeting with the funeral home in 2000 to verify all she had set up for her and her partner and saw the site for which they were to be buried. When her life partner passed in 2020, the whole process was very smooth. Good Luck
I did call the funeral home y/day and they said my son can do it, or another family member.
Yes, what you talk of is ideal, I'll be doing that for myself xx
And why do you think Mom cannot cut you out of her Will? Did Dad stipulate something in his Will that Mom must follow through on in her Will? Does your State/Country say that children must inherit? It does not matter how her previous Wills were written, a new one revokes them.
There was some talk of not having a funeral, but simply a short graveside service. Only the fact that it's going to be 101 degrees next Tues kept us from doing an all 'outdoors' event.
You do not have to have a funeral. You don't even have to have a service of any kind. A mortuary will handle everything for you and you don't have to even be there.
I'm going through all the feels right now. Anger, a little at the messy, messy apartment she left us to clean out. Frustration b/c she 'willed' the same thing over and over to different people. Sadness, b/c, well, at the end of the day, she WAS my mom. Gratitude that we were on good terms (not always the case) when she passed---you get where I am going with this?
Societal expectations play a big role in our "western way' of mourning and grieving. and of last expectations by the 'world'. Already we've had a bit if drama as mom's sister won't fly and would have to drive from San Antonio--so of course she's mad and not coming.
I'm exhausted and she didn't even live with me.
If it were just me, then there would have been a short graveside service and that would have been fine.
I'm one of 5 living kids, so my 'vote' is just that, one vote.
During COVID, I guess there were more and more 'private' services and I think we won't see that pendulum swing back completely again.
Go with your heart on this. To make a fuss over the passing of someone who was not, in your book, the person they should have been is kind of galling and doesn't feel right.
When my uncle (a HORRIBLE person) died, there were 15 people at his funeral. 15 mourners, and a handful of mortuary employees. Shortest funeral on record.
OR order up a simple cremation, without services. I had this for my VERY MUCH beloved brother. We had all the joy of our lives while he was living. As the undertaker and poet Thomas Lynch says (I recommend reading him) "the dead don't care. When someone is dead there is nothing you can do ABOUT them, WITH them, FOR them, TO them that will make a particle of difference.
You have tried. Let it go.
If anyone asks, you say "funeral services are private," have her cremated (or do whatever she paid for, NOT your money), then have the cemetery bury her, then walk away.
No services are required, no obituaries need to be placed, and you're done.
My grandfather abandoned his family when my dad was five years old. He drifted around for years being useless, then ended up living with his sister. He's now a box of ashes sharing space in his own father's grave because no one was going to put out money for his burial. We wouldn't even know that much except I was at the cemetery doing family research, and the office there had his name and date of burial handwritten on the 3x5 card with his dad's plot information. That's the extent of memorializing he got, and it's about as much as he was worth. No headstone, no nothing.
I say cremate Mom, put her in with Dad, and sell the pricey plot.
Some cemeteries require a "vault" to be purchased to place an urn into the ground, similar the the "vault" used for a casket but much smaller size.
Some cemeteries could required something in writing from the person who is buried in a casket, prior to his/her passing.
Some cemeteries require a special type of urn used for burial.
The Living Will would also state if she wants a coffin or an urn. If nothing is mentioned, and she wishes to be buried next to her husband, the same arrangements made for her late husband she would probably want duplicated.
There are other expenses involved beside buying a plot. There is the expense of the funeral home preparing the deceased.... picking out the casket/urn.... Mass cards.... newspaper announcements, if wanted.... etc.
Another expense is the opening/closing of the cemetery plot/urn box which is arranged through the funeral home.
And the expense of the updating the tombstone.
Prior to the above, if there is going to be a religious service at a church. If Mom was Catholic, it's a given that a Mass would be held. Arrangements need to be made. Or one could ask a Priest or whomever to speak at the cemetery, instead.
Selling her plot could be difficult if there is a large tombstone that reaches both plots. A new tombstone would be needed. Cemeteries will buy back the plot at today's going rate minus Admin frees, deeding the plot back to the cemetery.
With covid still in pandemic stage, funeral homes may ask for a limit of people. In my area, the limit is 10 people.
I'm not planning on selling her site, I think it;s best she stay next to dad in the mausoleum. xxxxxxx
You don't have to have a funeral. It is not your responsibility to worry about what will even happen.
But here's a separate perspective which has nothing to do with does she "deserve" a funeral. My wonderful dad passed away and we did not have a funeral for the sole reason that that's just not really something that part of the family does. There was no funeral for my dads mom, just a trip to visit her grave when we could arrange travel. My dad's ashes rest peacefully in my brother's home.
"WHO is going to organize the funeral ?"
"I will not do it. I can't face this."
OK, So when mom dies, whenever that is... How will you know? Who will notify you?
And when the news comes...
You treat it as though it was a stranger's death.
You tell the messenger: Thanks for letting me know, but you should contact someone else because I am not in charge of any burial or funeral arrangement.
You don't do anything.
You don't call anyone, relative or funeral director.
You don't answer calls from anyone that wants to rope you in.
You don't ask yourself who's doing this or that about the funeral.
You put it out of your mind.
You go about your life as usual.
You tell yourself: I'm free of that awful woman.
You tell yourself: That chapter of my life is now done and closed.
You tell yourself: I will have a drink to toast a fresh beginning.
I hope your relationship with your bio father is a good one.
I will no doubt be notified because I'm on the past 2 wills. Even if she takes me off, I need to be notified !
xxxxxxxxx thank-you!!
Who cares if she bought a plot?
Who cares if the people who stood by and watched the abuse your entire lifetime, expect a funeral, they can organize one if they feel it is needed.
Step away from the pressure you are putting yourself under. You owe her nothing at all.
At the age of 16, I found out I had been lied to about about being adopted - I found out on my own through paperwork. Not ONCE did mom ever apologize, and I hold paperwork from the social workers that says "tell her before she is age 5".
xxxxxxxxxx
Your first decision isn’t a funeral but disposition of the remains. Know beforehand whether you want to delegate the decision to a relative who has agreed beforehand, or handle an inexpensive cremation yourself.
The second is some knowledge of the will.
YES, past relatives idea is a good one.
THANK-YOU !!
Yes, the Italian family will expect a funeral, and will talk badly about me, as they normally do, but who areas. The bigger I became with the PhD etc. the more they all treated me badly.
Thanks for your supportive words xxx
Have her cremated and get permission to have her urn put on dad's headstone.
Funerals are for the living. If anyone else wants one, tell them it all theirs but, you are having her cremated and placed on dad's headstone, they can do whatever their pocketbook and desires allow.
Doing the right thing to break the cycle of abuse isn't about rising above the hurt while allowing the abuse to continue. It is about learning to walk away and not perpetuate the abuse, creating healthy, strong boundaries and knowing that you matter. The abuse for you has ended, don't let some talking head make you feel like you have to be subjected in any way, shape or form ever again.
What you have done, stops the cycle. WELL DONE!
I just saw you are religious, i'm not but I did research near death experience at university, i believe in the after life, and mom is going to have to face some scrutiny in her life review.