Has anyone had to sell their parent(s) home and belongings without them knowing about it?

This is a great thread. I am weeding ad cleaning like crazy here. I also do not want to leave huge mess for my child.

Yonavee, if it is meaningful, keep the gun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We just went through this for my mom who was living in another state. While she was in the hospital I began culling through her clothing and shreadding year's worth of old bills, etc. I made trips to the SPCA to give towels, women's Dress for Success Program where they were happy to received nice clothing still on hangers, and made several trips to Goodwill and Salvation Army. Put some things in those S.A. donation boxes, too.

My mom lived in a senior apartment building and I put up signs saying FREE and gave away a lot of household items including food. The next day my sister and I held a sale and people bought items I was shocked would sell such as an old bedroom set and the mattress. It was kind of sad sensing so much need. Many things we simply threw in as "bonuses" to those who bought things. We sold them for the bare minimums. Fortunately, by the time we did this, Mom was there and we were so surprised at her willingness to sell and get rid of things. It made it so easy.

But like someone here said, I returned home and began clearing out a lot of my "memories of no real value" so my kids won't have to go through this. Great ideas about donating craft items to schools. A crafter/photographer asked about old Black and White photos, too. One item we thought was worth a lot of money, was only worth about $200 and we ended up giving that to the S.A. to make sure everything was cleaned out. We were so exhausted. I would strongly suggest spending the time to call second hand furniture stores who may buy big lots of furniture and those companies that help you organize and sort through things if you have a large house. Even my mom's one-bedroom apartment took two weeks to close. Also, don't hesitate to ask friends to help for an hour or two.

Dustien...Wow...great story, great ending! Thanks for sharing!

bls0901....I felt terrrrible when I first started getting rid of my mother's things...so, I did it slowly as her alertness got worse. I finally got to a point where it didn't bother me anymore...going to the Salvation Army where it could be put to good use for others. My uncle died recently and had a ton of pics! OMG...that bothered me...couldn't throw those away. I burned them...and buried the ashes in my backyard! Sounds crazy...but it made me feel better than putting those treasured memories in a trashcan!

reading thru these posts I realize I am not alone in having to do this and experiencing all the feelings that go along with it. My thoughts to everyone who published here.
It is a hard thing to do but needs someone to do it. all the thoughts and tips are good to hear. It is just one more step in caring for aging parents. I like the comment about the role reversal aspect. We become the "parent" and make decisions for them just as they did for us when we were young. And, yes, just as we did not like some of the decisions, we know now that they were for our own good. Keep doing that "good" for your parents.

Yes, we did sell our mom's things after she had been in the care center a number of years. She had gone blind, her bones were brittle and had broken a number of times, and the doctor had said not to even think of trying to stand her on her feet. Two people had to move her from bed to chair when she was able to be moved. We finally knew that we had to do it. Leaving things unattended in an empty house only invites break in and theft. So we had a sale and disposed of the items, putting the funds received into her bank account that was controlled to pay for her needs. Sometimes one has to do what you have to do. It is never easy. Hugs and encouragement sent to all who find the heartache of caring for matters like this. The really pulls at one heartstrings. Take care and keep on keeping on.

My mother traveled the world with a travel club at work and with her church. When she came back home she would make wonderful photo albums of all of her travels. Now what am I to do with these albums the pictures don't mean anything to me. I have pulled out some of the pictures to use for display when the time comes for her funeral but it breaks my heart to throw away the albums. Also There are literally 12 dressers in her house all filled with quilt material, clothes, linens and who knows what else. I am not well enough to be able to work over at her house for long periods of time and remove all of the things let alone go through everything. It is very slow going trying to clear everything.

Do you have any estate sale (sometimes called tag sale) people in your area. Maye call them in to take a look and find out if it would be worth it to hire them to do it all for you. They handle it and charge you up to 1/3 to 1/2 of the profit depending on what you have. That way it all get's a home, it's all done for you and 50% of the proceeds goes to the care of mom!

If time is of the essence, you can have the sale yourself like I did, but you're going to need help..in my case it was my best friend. It worked out great! She stayed the night more often then not so it was like we were peeling back the years (lots and lots of years) to when we'd do sleep overs and talk way into the wee hours of the night when we were teens. It was actually quite fun! We even took one night off from working on the house and bought a bottle of wine and drank the whole thing.

I sold mthr's house with my POA using the attorney who set up and registered the POA to start with. He knew her situation and had me sign the papers a certain way. This was possible because of the way he structured the Durable POA. We also sold her farm and beach lot this way too.

Mthr was at the point where she was asking to go home occasionally, but that was to her daddy's 1935 house, not the house she bought in 1970. Once I mentioned something about her house, and she asked what house. I referred to it as Ms. Robert's house, who was the previous owner back in olden days, and she said "I didn't know I bought Ms. Robert's house. What are you talking about?" I got over any residual guilt feelings right then. She was clueless.

We did not tell mthr

I already answered before but I wanted to just add something after reading the replies. Don't put stuff in storage any longer than you have to. It's true what others have said that antique collections that were thought to be valued at so much are often not. My husband kept a storage locker about two years just putting off looking into the value of his aunt's Victorian furniture! It turned out that Victorian furniture is not desirable. I don't know if that has changed but it was so pointless for us to have kept this in storage. There is a site called "Value My Stuff" which can do inexpensive assessments of items btw. Also crystal! Older people seem to have so much crystal, even if it's quite old it usually only holds sentimental value. It's heavy in boxes and has to wrapped so it doesn't break, think about it before holding on to that.

WORDSCRIBE, THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT .IT IS TRUE!!!!!!

You're welcome, Salisbury!

no, I never even had to care for my parents. I couldn't imagine selling everything out from under someone without their knowledge. Having the conscience that I do, I could never even imagine being in such a position to be quite honest. I just couldn't see myself taking something away that belongs to someone else. I know that my conscience would definitely bother me, and it would definitely nag me to no end until I did the right thing. What I think I would rather do instead is just put everything in storage or just use the house as storage and somehow manage with some other kind of healthcare coverage and even some kind of alternative care. I don't know how I would do it, but I would somehow find a way to manage rather than to steal everything out from under someone else

I dealt with my surrogate dad for a very short time though he did not own a home. He was put into an apartment, only to be moved into a nursing home very shortly after, but not by me. What was so amazing is how he would have those days when he would seem like his old self again. This is what I would warn you of if you're selling a house out from under your parent, because you never know when they may one day suddenly wise up and realize that something is definitely off, and even realize that something as big as a house is gone. You don't necessarily have to share this kind of information, they may actually figure it out on their own without warning, because something can very quickly dawn on someone we least expect to suddenly wise up, I've seen this happen twice now but from a different angle. This is only one reason why I wouldn't even think of selling the stuff out from under someone without their knowledge

This was so helpful. It is agony to sell things while mom is still living in an alf-memory, and would like to hold onto everything. We don't know if we should sell or hang on to the house as a Medicaid protected asset.

I need to say - and I believe most people on this thread understand why I started this in the first place, I didn't have a choice. It was either I manage the sale of her house and property or the government would manage it for her. She was running out of money, so her assets had to be sold in order to continue to keep her in the nursing home where she absolutely had to be. Oanonymous, when elderly folks are no longer able to be in their home and must be in long term care, unless they are able to manage private pay or have a long term care policy, Medicaid will enter into the picture at some point. My Mother was on private care for 4 1/2 years. Unfortunately her entire savings was used to cover the $7500/month cost of the nursing home - and this is a very reasonable one! Selling her home and property bought her almost an additional year. What I did was sell down her belongings and eliminate all but $4000 so she could qualify for Medicaid. I had to because it was what is required by the government in order for her to receive Medicaid benefits as she did not have a long term care policy. My concern was telling her about the fact that I did that, not that I had to do it. Those of us who provide care for our parents or elderly relatives are not in the business of stealing from them I assure you. We are their caretakers and contrary to your thoughts, the majority of us love our parents we care for and do what is required of us to take care of them. We make educated decisions listening to the medical communities and their care takers - we manage their care with our hearts and with empathy of our loved ones. I caution you on using phrases like "stealing everything out from under them" or "selling stuff out from someone without their knowledge." Nothing in this world would make me happier than to have my Mom suddenly be her old self again - but dementia, blindness, a TBI, loss of use of all limbs and multiple other health issues tend not to reverse at 80 years old - my Mother's age. Unfortunately, that will not happen.

How true LucindaD....I would love to have Mom suddenly "wise up" and remember me, her home, that her husband has been dead for 20+ yrs, that she has 2 other daughters,etc. She still asks to go home occasionally but she means the home she had with her mama and papa. She doesn't recognize the items we kept....her photo albums and her beautiful handmade quilts. It is what it is and we're all just doing our best.

Lucinda, you summed it up perfectly. Money from selling things went to moms care. Also, my mom is not capable of making rationale decisions. For example, she let a $1000 sewing machine deteriorate in her garage for 15 years and we had to throw it out. She could not part with anything; even selling it to a dear friend.

I originally came on here looking for others who are dealing with anything that I'm dealing with or anything similar.

A simple question was asked, and a very honest answer was given according to my morals and upbringing when someone blew it way out of proportion. I'd rather stay on topic. Before answering any of the questions, maybe consider just focusing on the original posters question instead of the replies of others since the original answer was for the original poster. My first amendment right says but I have a right to free speech, when someone asks an honest question, they deserve an honest answer, which is really what I was giving. I really hate when people stick their nose is where they don't belong, especially when someone else is going through an especially hard time after dealing with what I've dealt with the past year with an elderly friend of mine.

I agree with wordscribe about the storage issue. a friend advised me to do it only for a short time. Even if your storage unit is not expensive over the course of a year you could be spending hundreds of dollars that you could use elsewhere. and if you are keeping it at your home it still means you or someone else has to dispose of it eventually.The woman who helped me with the packing up gave me a tip: today's generation aren't interested in the things our parents were: silver, glassware, statues, etc. They are more into things that can be disposed of after a short time. They are not the collectors that our folks (or maybe we) were. if items have sentimental value for the family by all means keep them. but it is probably better to get rid of what you can rather than hold onto it and store it, if you are paying for a storage unit.

My mom has now been placed in a nursing home. She leaves behind a house (estate of her late husband) and a tenant on the 2nd floor. There is a mortgage of 80,000 and a lien on the house from Mass Health stemming from her late husband's medical needs. I am not power of attorney. Now, her house is left empty except for the tenants upstairs ). Not sure how to handle this situation for her. It seems wrong to just abandon the property. The tenants were told that she was not returning. Do we tell the tenants that they have to move? Do I even have authority to do that? I don't live there. My mom lived there by herself. I am just trying to help her as she is now in the dementia unit in a nursing facility.

Sounds like it's time for a lawyer.

Thanks, Bettyb21. I just realized that my husband and I have had items in a consignment store for 2 years now from his aunt's house and they STILL haven't sold. So again, try not to pay for storage for these things!

Lisaformarilyn, do you think you could rent out the lower level until you can get the estate worked out? Does anyone have POA? You said you do not. How did your mother enter the nursing home, did someone have to sign her in?

She was in the hospital for 7 weeks after a fall. Her doctors sent her to the nursing home from there stating that she was not safe being home alone. Now, her house is vacated except for the tenant on the 2nd floor. She can no longer pay the bills to keep the house going (mtg, taxes, water and sewer, fire ins, etc) because she is no longer there. Should I just go to the bank where she has her mtg. and tell them the situation. Will the bank be able to just take over?

I strongly agree with the idea of speaking to the bank about the customer now being in a nursing home. Since this was a major purchase, I would see if the bank has some kind of insurance that was sold to the customer at the time the mortgage was given. Anytime you make a very big purchase, there are times when a special kind of insurance is given to the customer. I don't know if that insurance would cover if someone goes into a nursing home, but you can always ask. I do know that if the customer dies that the rest of the loan is paid off by that insurance. I know this because years ago a friend of mine bought a house and he was given that type of insurance for the duration of the loan. He said that if he were to die that the insurance would pay off the mortgage, but I'm not sure if it would work for a nursing home placement. You can only hope that it would, and if it does, a family member can take over and perhaps become a new landlord and rent the downstairs. I also agree with the idea of finding a lawyer as well in case you hit a snag, because a lawyer is sometimes necessary in some situations. I would really hate to see this lady have nothing to show for all the payments that she paid on that house, only to have the bank take it back just because she needed nursing home placement that might turn out to be permanent. This is why I'm glad someone mentioned a lawyer. A lawyer is definitely needed because if the house is turned over to the family in the end, a lawyer will definitely be necessary so the nursing home cannot take that home. Since the current customer is currently in a nursing home, you may want to get guardianship and have her sign for permission to remove her name from the home saw the nursing home has no claim. She cannot continue making mortgage and other payments if the nursing home now requires that money. Usually when someone enters a nursing home, the nursing home usually takes all of that person's check and liquidates any assets. Furthermore, this is why a very good lawyer who specializes in this specific area is definitely needed.

The first move would definitely be to get the lawyer and explain the situation. Ask for guardianship of the person in the nursing home so that you can take over that person's affairs. Guardianship will have to be granted legally, so whoever is going for guardianship will have to go through any required legal steps to gain guardianship of this person. If no one in the family is willing, then adult protective services in your area will have to go through some kind of process of getting things moving toward getting that person a guardian. I recall that there was a court appointed guardian given to my elderly surrogate dad since there were no blood relatives and I was definitely not in a position to take guardianship of him. This was done through the adult protective services, and he was given a court appointed guardian who happens to also be a lawyer.

The next move would be to show up at the bank and explain the same situation to them. Explain that a lawyer now has case.

Now, the next move would be to have a family meeting about the situation and discuss what will happen if the house is somehow forgiven and the house is turned over to the current customer. Somehow this current customer now in a nursing home will need to be removed from the house, and this can definitely be done with the help of a lawyer. This is why a lawyer is definitely needed, because you don't want the nursing home taking that house if the debt is forgiven and the house is turned over to that customer. You definitely don't want the nursing home taking the house that this lady paid so much on for so long.

Thank you TirednBurnedOut. That is great advice. I will visit the bank for sure now just to release some of the stress I am feeling.

tirednburnedout
are you talking about mortgage insurance or is that something else?

I am just in the process of trying to get my moms house ready to sell, she has agreed to that however I can't take her with me to go through everything because she won't let go of anything! And there is ALOT! She said she wants to have an estate sale, 450 miles away, but I can't do that. I moved her in with us so I cant be gone long and if I take her she won't let me do anything. She used to be a clothing designer and won't let go of ALL the fabric she has, cloths she will never wear and papers from the beginning of time. I feel guilty that I have to lie about going up there but I don't feel I have any choice. I think donations is the way to go but I feel guilty it is not my stuff. Anything of value I will hold for now, probably get a storage unit where her house is. I hate this but I am alone in this so doing the best I can. She is safe with me and everything else is stuff, that is how I have to look at it I guess.