I am taking care of a mate with cancer. He is 76 and rarely sick. He thinks the doctors don't know anything, and he either doesn't hear or disagrees with anything the staff says. If it was only me pushing for the last year to go to the doctor, I don't think he would know he had cancer now. So waiting has made it worse. He automatically says no and is argumentative about anything I say or suggest. He isn't usually this disagreeable. I have my own health issues, and I am worried that the stress bring me out of remission. We are staying at a home owned by the American Cancer Society for the next 6 weeks. Any suggestions on managing this situation would be helpful. I have taken care of other relatives with dementia who were combative, but they were frail and smaller than me, and it was easier for me to help; my husband is twice my size and not at all frail or weak and highly independent. Today, he was so panicking over constipation that we missed an appointment, and I couldn't get him out of the bathroom in time. He locked me out of our room, and I had to get the staff to help. And he refused to take the meds for constipation caused by all the drugs. He is a mess and suffering needlessly. He does have an untreated anxiety disorder as he doesn't believe in medication, and he doesn't do any alternative solutions; he ignores and micromanages everyone around him when he has anxiety, and that is not good for him or his relationships. I need some help. I did ask the nurse about anxiety and if they could give him something, and they said yes; I don't think he heard, but I don't think he would agree. From what I understand, this will get work as treatment progresses, and he will make it even harder. One of the people in the house said they were like that until they were ready sick then they took whatever the doctor said.
I would avail myself now of the care provided by the American Cancer Society and the facility you are staying in and tell them you need a social worker to help with temporary or permanent placement now for hubby, as he is beyond your care.
There aren't enough details here to tell you any advice. I am myself facing down a second (after 36 years) dx. of cancer of the breast. I have chosen NOT TO TREAT this cancer other than lumpectomy. At 82 I am understanding we all die; I choose to do so without further chemo or radiation, and would avail myself of hospice care, right to die laws when it's time. If your hubby has any dementia that's a choice he cannot make for himself, but you may want to make it for him if he is so adverse to treatment and if you are his POA for health care and know his wishes. I think you need a clear diagnosis on whether you are looking at anxiety or dementia.
What type of cancer? What is the prognosis ? What type of treatment , if any , are they recommending ?
The answers to these questions may make a difference .
If his prognosis is very poor , you may just want to keep him calm and comfortable . If the cancer treatments are not likely to do much good , it may not be in his best interest to put him through it , considering , that depending on the type of treatment , it may be too much for him to handle.
These are things to weigh in on with his doctors . The man is tormented by his anxiety and dementia . Treating him for his cancer will continue to make him anxious to an unbearable degree if he’s not willing to take anxiety meds .
There is no magical solution here. I think the person who told you to wait until he's really sick, that then maybe he'll do whatever the doctor says, has given you the best and only "solution". In the meantime, you need to do whatever it takes to protect your own health until that day comes. I wish you both healing and hope for your futures.