My Father was admitted to ICU on Sept. 29 with sepsis/double pneumonia. He was discharged home with me on Hospice Care on 10/01. We have him in his room but in a hospital bed and have been providing total care for him. He has been living with us and healthy since April, but he has no memory of getting sick or being in the hospital. Most of the time he knows where he is and he always knows us and any visitors.
The Hospice nurses all believe we are seeing end of life as did the marvelous physician he had in the ICU. However, this is going on so much longer than anyone expected. (He has been a very healthy and active 95 year old until now).
We don't really know if he understands how seriously ill he is, although we have discussed his illness with him. He does not express thoughts about dying, or tell us anything about his nighttime talking to relatives that have passed away (which I have witnessed). I am not sure how to approach this or if I should at all. He is a private and very quiet man, never complains about things and always has a positive attitude. SO I am just wondering, do I try to ask him if he has thought about dying? Or do I ask his Pastor to bring this up with him? He is a religious man, and we have read scriptures and listened to favorite hymns etc. together since his illness.
Help? Thoughts?
This is the time to tell him any last thoughts. Just be careful not to make death-side promises that you might not be able to keep. I learned how promises can slip out and a deathbed promise can be 'binding' to you.
Lastly, you tell him about the various people he will be reunited with. You can even suggest that he is already seeing them - go with whatever he is ready to deal with. If he says he hasn't seen anyone, tell him that he will at the end - they will come for him.
I have no idea who my mother saw, but someone came for her. With my father, it was my mother who came for him. With my husband, it was his first wife and his oldest brother who had predeceased him.
To witness a passing is a most glorious gift; it is precious.
I see that you've received a lot of wonderful advice here and that you have moved forward with the pastor's help. Removing the elephant in the room and normalizing this part of his life's journey is a kind approach, in my view. My dad and I were long-term members of the Hemlock Society when we were younger so the opportunity for candid conversation was closer to the surface for us. We weren't attending to learn about self-deliverance but because they provided a wonderful education about end of life matters and care in order to plan and prepare. The most beneficial thing I took away was to be able to define what constitutes quality of life at each stage. Your dad can still experience quality if you make the effort to determine which things bring him pleasure. For some it's visits from friends & family, For others it's their morning cup of coffee or their ice cream after dinner. They are things that we might easily overlook as small matters but they take on a greater significance to those whose choices have grown small. I hope you'll make your best effort to figure out as many of them as you can. Look at massage, music, favorite foods, singing, reading to someone, a wheelchair ride to see the leaves changing, old favorite movies, animal visits, sports shows, etc.
In summary, my answer to your question is yes. Involve everyone, especially your dad. It's lovely that you want to be present in the fullest sense of the word in this last chapter of his life.
The other ‘end of life’ issues are practicalities like ‘what happens before death’- what sort of interventions he wants, or wants to turn down. Because Hospice involves a decision to provide comfort rather than to prolong life, it usually covers most of this. Hospice may have suggestions about how to deal with any more issues.
Other ‘end of life’ practicalities are about funeral wishes. Our family has always gone for a decent minimum. Unless you and your father feel strongly about this, it’s probably best not to make promises that will be very expensive to carry out.
One helpful conversation might be about any gifts your father would like to make from his possessions. Small personal items don’t necessarily have to fall into the estate and just get sold, and little gifts set aside for grandchildren, friends or family can have a very special meaning. He might like to make little notes to go with them. Thinking about this will be another way to make it clear to both of you that you are talking about what happens after his death. It may lead to the deeper conversation that you feel you need.
Best wishes to both of you.
Our local priest was a great support to us all but the pastor sent by hospice was obviously trained in end of life care. Everyone is different. My sister had questions about death and things she wanted to discuss about her funeral. My dad, true to form, didn't want to talk about anything. I asked him a couple of questions and it was very clear that he wanted to be kept on a strictly "need to know" basis about what was going to happen and he had decided he didn't need to know.
I'm sorry you are going through this rough time.
Those being so, I don't think you need worry that your father would like to express his thoughts but can't.
On the other hand. If there are things you want to talk to him about or questions you would like to ask, within the bounds of tact and sensitivity of course, you should feel free. This time is precious to you, too.
He actually engaged my Father in a very heartfelt discussion about my Fathers thoughts and feelings around facing death and wishes that he might have.
We were relieved to hear him say that he had recognized that he may not recover and that he may be facing the end of his like and that he did not feel fear or anxiety about it. His wishes for the end were to be surrounded by those he loves and to not have pain or suffering and to be in a familiar environment.
I trust that we are providing these things for him to the very best of our ability and that we will be able to continue doing so.
I believe since he and his pastor talked that he has seemed more relaxed and believe that he may open up to us as well if he needs to discuss his feelings more with his family and loved ones.
See All Answers