Should I have a "traditional" funeral for mom when she passes?

Given the huge expense of a funeral nowadays it seems excessive to spend money for an event that few really want to attend. My family has been celebrating big number birthdays. This is often the only time my elderly parents have lots of visitors or get cards so at least they have that to discuss. I am much more in favor of a private family funeral and or a later memorial service at a church or family home when folks are more apt to attend and the grief is lessened by time.

I feel (and it's my humble opinion) that having a funeral is not for the deceased person. It is for family and friends (even caregivers from the deceased's nursing home) to come and pay their respects to the grieving family. Unfortunately, when our elderly parents/relatives get to be in their 80's and 90's, there's just not that many immediately relatives/friends of the deceased left.

Most "close" family/friends know of the situation of your parent being a resident of a nursing home and your efforts in caring for him/her. Although my Mom is 85 years old and lives at home with my brother, her husband (my Dad) and her only brother are deceased. The only relatives left alive are her sister-in-law (my Dad's sister) and my brother and sister and her 4 grandchildren (my 3 and my sister's 1 children), and nieces and nephews.

When she passes, I will have a full wake and funeral. I think my Mom deserves that and I know it will help me and my siblings say our final goodbyes. I also know my cousins will attend, although they never visit, see or call my Mom. But nevertheless, I'm sure they'll be sad and want to offer their condolences to my brother, sister, and me. The same will be said for our collective friends.

But I'm sure there are circumstances where a family might want a "private" funeral/service or no service at all. It is their prerogative.

Although it saddens my Mom to talk about it (she starts to cry), she has made her wishes known and stated she what she would like as a final "send off". I will certainly honor her wishes. I know I will find comfort in the condolence wishes and wake visits from our family and friends. But that's just me.

I think whatever the deceased would like (if they spoke of it) would be what I would do.

On another note, you state "My mother is 88 yrs old and has been in a nursing facility for 2 years. In the past 2 years she hasn't had many visitors. In the beginning she did but now hardly anyone comes to visit her or call. My sister lives in San Diego, works and comes when she can. Family members come rarely which makes my mother angry and sad. She cries frequently about it.

She has told me on more than one occasion and I am starting to agree with her that everyone will come to see her when she's dead but won't come to see her while she's alive.

For selfish reasons, I often wish she had more company to fill the gaps when I'm not there."

For the statements above, I don't have much advice to offer. It is a sad fact that as you grow older, your once active social life diminishes (especially if you are living in a skilled nursing facility). Most young people (and I HATE saying that) do not want to be around the elderly. The "milleniums" are too into themselves, their "selfies" and their lives. It is what it is. I think our generation (I'm in my mid-50's) will be the last generation to really give a hoot about the elderly.

I have found that most often it is usually one person (in a family of siblings) that is the most attentive caregiver. In my and my husband's family, it is he and I (we are the youngest children). We try to do the best we can by our elderly parents and be involved with them, visiting and helping them. We (my husband and I) are trying to set a good example to our children, siblings and our nieces and nephews. We cannot force them to visit or call. It's sad, really. I wish the situation were different, as do you it sounds. Again, it is what it is. Do the best YOU can so YOU can feel good about yourself -- knowing that YOU did your best by your Mom. It's very hard to visit to visit our parents and see how sad they are that no one else calls or visits. I try to visit my Mom frequently and I will bring her a treat she likes to eat or a little bouquet of flowers just "because". I know she appreciates it.

I know it hurts her feelings that the grandchildren (and my sister to an extent) don't visit or call often. Again, I just keep going and doing the best I can. It's all any of us can do.

Your sister and her husband are saying, hold an event that anyone can come to. You have to ask yourself how it will benefit you to say, "no I want to see to it that there's nothing anyone could come to." It sounds resentful and punitive: "You didn't come when I was alive, so you don't get to come when I'm dead, so there." There's a lot of sadness about people not coming, yes, I see that, and I understand. There's also a lot of judgment about it (good people come, people who don't come are being bad). When you suffer over the situation a lot of what is causing your suffering is the judgment. It's more complicated than that. People don't come to see an old person for a lot of understandable reasons. One thing to remember is that the phenomenon of relationship remains a two-way street to the end. I'm not casting any aspersions on your mom, because I don't know what she's like. But when I think of my own future, I think, where is it written that once I'm old I get to sit here and receive visitors without holding up my end of the relationship?

Spoonfulofsugar.... I have an idea for you to consider. Sounds like you are the primary caregiver even though your mom is in a home. My dad thinks about the same quite a bit... even my sister does not visit of call. Dad and I decided just a dignified graveside service singing familiar songs would fit what he wants.

Spoonfulofsugar- I think when your Mom says 'I don't want a funeral, no one will come' she might want reassurance that there will be SOME celebration of her life...that someone will need the comfort of a ritual of some sort.

I think everyone who is saying "Let your mother decide this" have their hearts in the right place. (But many of them are poor at reading. You've said twice that she has told you what she wants!)

However, if she feels alone and neglected and you agree with her to no funeral/no obit you might be telling her that her passing will create not a ripple in the lives of those she has known. That's not a good message.

Alice, in my view words to the effect of "no one comes to see me alive so why should they when I'm dead" are not the basis of an actual plan. I'm very sorry that the OP's mother feels as she does, it is a sad reflection of how abandoned she feels herself to be, but meanwhile Spoonful has practical arrangements to make. So, to repeat, I would ask her what she would like those arrangements to be, and then make them. Any family members who choose to make an issue of it will then find themselves silenced in advance by the person whose funeral, and therefore whose say-so, it is.

I agree that this is a utilitarian approach, but then when all is said and done the funeral itself is a utilitarian matter. And when that sad time comes, it will save Spoonful a good deal of trouble, argument and additional anguish if she can follow instructions rather than have to make decisions.

I'm not having any kind of funeral for my mom when the time comes.
She has given so many different directions on what she wants, it really is impossible to know what to do from her direction. Her wishes change on the wind.

Nobody visited her when she was still in her house. Nobody visited her the week we were packing up her house to move her. Nobody sends her cards or letters or even an accidental smoke signal now. Why on EARTH would I put on a show for these people who have demonstrated they just do not care?

Why would I go to the trouble and expense of it? I am not responsible for helping them grieve and remember. They can do that now if they were so inclined.

I will put in an obituary and everybody else can do what they will with the information. Mom will be cremated. I might have her cremains turned into a small glass pendant for her sisters and put into a wooden container for her brother, who was a master wood worker.

I don't need to see the theatrical charade of people parading through the funeral home chapel, telling me in hushed tones how much she meant to them. Sorry, but I don't believe any of that tripe. You people just showed up to see what I look like, what she looked like, and to judge.

I don't need to be petted and squeezed and hugged by insincere people who could not bother themselves to see about her while alive. Pass on that!

This is an issue I am grappling with now. I know my mother wants the big Catholic burial, but she will not be getting it due to the behavior of my brother. I was also my father's caregiver, and my brother did nothing for him and wouldn't visit him while he was dying. At Dad's funeral, he behaved as though he did all of the work. I had people call me out publically, not realizing that I was the caregiver and he was lying about me behind my back. He brought his family to live off of my parents because he was bankrupt, and told everyone they were living with him. I was in my own home, married and raising a child. So she will not get a funeral, because he will use the occasion to make a spectacle of himself and denigrate me. If he wants to say goodbye, he should do so now, instead of making lame excuses.

I just posted "Here's A Birthday Suggestion" Maybe this is something you could do for your Mother. It would not have to be on her birthday. She would receive nice mail with notes making her happy and it would also make anyone sending her something feel good about doing something prior to her passing.

One of my grandparents was fairly wealthy, and had an immense funeral, over 4 days, paid for everyone to come in, put them up in motels, etc. At the time I was in college and it was like a huge vacation. Whippee!
But a decade or so later, I learned how my aunt & unlce had done many thousands of hours of work for grandpa, keeping him at home, bring in food, check on him, drop everything when he was in a bind.....and since they lived next door almost, they never ever got a "vacation". All they got was.....more work, as they facilitated everyone who came to visit. Then they got the task of cleaning out the house, painting & fixing to sell it, and all the paperwork.
My aunt told me with a detached manner what it was like to see many tens of thousands of dollars spent on all the relatives. She said it was really just so much work, what could she enjoy? She just looked for it all to end.
Funerals are expensive. Travel is expense. Better to just have a graveside service, videotape it, and send everyone a CD. Just my 2 cents.

Before my mother passed away, she told me she wanted just a small funeral service with the immediate family only.
I would go with your mother's wishes, and not what everyone else wants.

Well, Mom is the last one of her siblings, No one else but me and my oldest sibling. No reason to announce it when mom is gone. I cannot even ask her what she wants. She can't talk, she is almost gone..... It is very sad.. I will cremate her, and my immediate family will acknowledge her passing, I don't know who else I would invite. nobody visits her, except me, my child and spouse....Circle of Life. and I hope to be around to be a grandparent and love and be happy...and .....be childlike again.....

My aunt has pre-arrangements for cremation society, and I'm doing the same with Mom. After cremation, you can decide if or any services you want to hold. My best friend did this with her father, and it worked for their situation. It was about 2 months afterward that they held services. You don't have to be forced to decide immediately what you want to do. If you don't hold services no fuss, no muss, you can change your mind later. If you find people want to celebrate parent's life, then hold a small service later. Don't worry about it. Everyone's situation is different, especially if they are older, and friends and family are few...

What about the celebrity whose spouse put the body on ice and shipped it to Finland, supposedly? I don't know...Big services for Dad, but he was younger, and friends and family were around. Mom is the last in her line, and friends have faded away....

If they cant visit her and give her quality time while she is alive, then why bother when she is gone? Guilt for not seeing and visiting her when it actually counts?

It almost the end, and she can't tell me she knows I'm here, but I know I'm there for her, and I tell her I love her, and it's okay....Kind of wish I didn't read this post,,,, I'm up and babbling, SORRY----GOODNIGHT.

I didn't read any of the answers but 1 or 2. My thoughts are similar....I will not be having any services this time.... I have been alone all this time with her and no one has been there so just the couple people I do have to count on will be there and I....that is it if I even do anything I think sometimes since I plan to be moving soon. that I want her creamated so I don't feel so guilt as I do now with leaving dad back home all alone, I am sure no one goes to his grave to visit! I even think sometimes I should have him exumed and creamated and bring him n mom with me wherever I shall go.....
so I agree with you the caregiver or ?? doing what you feel best for your emotional well being and needs as long as it does not upset your loved one!

I would go with your mother's wishes.
My Mom wanted just a small funeral with the immediate family only.
A few of her best friends showed up, but it was much more personal with having family members only.