I must make a decision very very soon. I am my husband's POA. Married 20 years, 20 year age difference as well. He is 85, I have been his caregiver for his dementia for the past three years. He probably had dementia two years before that. He is now level 5 out of 7. He wants to go into independent living in our hometown which is 4 hours away (we moved to the coast about 7 years ago). Since he was so very important in our hometown community, he wants to go back there to die. He was the mayor of the town, etc. He loved living on the coast until the dementia hit. His depression became worse. He wanted to go home where his friends are. I’ve been enjoying my work here and as my husband became worse, I got a caregiver to come in so that I could work and run errands. Now I am faced with a really hard decision: To move back to our hometown (lots of work) and live in an independent facility where a lot of his friends are (I would be the youngest there by 18 years). Anytime I left the facility to go back and forth to the coast, I would need to hire a sitter.
His neurologist has stated that he needs someone living with him and suggested assisted living. My husband will hate being away from me. We have only spent a week apart in 20 years. He is attached at the hip to me. I cannot live in assisted living with him. For one thing, it costs $7,500 a month. No reason for me to be in that environment and also pay for those services that are not needed. I am totally healthy, still run, teach yoga and aerobics. So I would have to get an apt and furnish it as well as furnish the assisted living room.
Theoretically, my husband can live in the AL but go over to the independent section and have dinner in the independent wing where his friends are.
My question is: Do I uproot my life and move back to our hometown for hubby to go to AL or put him in AL here. I know he would not get visitors here because he became very reclusive here and has no friends. He would get visitors in his hometown for the first several months.
I know I’m suffering from guilt because I know where he wants to go. I want him to be happy. I failed to mention that it will cost $30,000 more each year to take him back to his hometown because I have to furnish his place and my apt that I would need to find.
My life and financial concern are better here on the coast but I want my husband to be happy in his last years.
I must do something fast because he is getting worse
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Let him FaceTime with his friends.
You need to do what's best for you, financially and emotionally. Don't get guilted into doing something that's going to cost you money you can ill afford and make you unhappy.
Many dementia patients want to go "home.". They want their old healthy lives back. If he goes back and is unhappy, how would THAT feel?
My mother moved from the AL building across the parking lot to the Memory Care building where she could dine with her old friends too. Her bff Ann came by ONCE. When she saw how mom had declined, she never came back during the nearly 3 years mom lived there.
Mom's girls offered to take her to the AL building to dine, but mom felt embarrassed. She'd become a sloppy eater due to a loss of her fine motor skills from dementia. She didn't want her friends to see her in that condition, so she stayed in MC for her meals.
Independent Living is a world away from Assisted Living which is a planet away from Memory Care Assisted Living, or the folks with advanced dementia who need that type of care. What underlines my point is the fact that you don't want to move to AL yourself, even though there are able bodied people living there.
Stay where you are. Dh is speeding down the path where he won't realize WHERE he's living soon enough, unfortunately. Its important you look out for YOURSELF here too, and your future finances.
Best of luck to you.
That is my humble opinion. But that doesn't really help you-- my opinion-- if you have not after all this time come to this conclusion on your own.
You are 65. WHYEVER would you move into ALF or even independent living? Why SHOULD you. You are not in need of that care. And it would be enormously early to put that sort of financial burden on your finances unless you are a multimillionaire way over the 10M level.
Here's the facts. Your hubby has dementia. He needs care quite soon. Together you made a decision to move, one that worked for you both until he changed.
His change is not anyone's fault and it cannot be fixed.
This move he thinks will make such a difference? That isn't the same town and he isn't the same mayor and no one there will care about him. There is no "happiness" waiting there for him. His magical thinking is making him want to believe something here can be fixed.
He wants time to go backward to when he is well. That isn't how any of this works.
You have ENOUGH of a burden on you as things stand. You have stood by him. When he needs placement you will visit and continue to stand by him. But you are not a Saint to throw yourself on his funeral pyre and sacrifice the rest of your life, in honesty some of the most carefree years when our parents have passed and our kids are raised.
I would ask, since you don't KNOW, that you seek COGNITIVE therapy with a GOOD psychologist who is recommended to you OR a good Social Worker in private practice for counseling (they are often good at life transitions.)
You are young (relatively of course as I am 81) and you are whole, and you have a right to the next two decades of life, a life you enjoy, where you enjoy it.
That is just my opinion. Peoples' opinions honestly just add to your grief and confusion. There is no Happy Ending here for hubby. His magical thinking is in full force that there may be one. Seek the advice of a therapist. Recognize you cannot, no matter your sacrifice, make this OK for this man you care for.
My best wishes go out to you.
The most important thing for him is to have you close by. He will be happy wherever you are. He's going to fade away from the rest of his world; his friends in his hometown won't be all that faithful. He'll make friends on his level in any AL, especially if you're there to grease the wheels. You'll be an important part of his adjustment in either place. You'll make friends with other spouses in his AL, and even though you don't live there, you can meet in the puzzles room, attend the AL holiday celebrations together and so on. In no way does this need to be in his home town.
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
Heraclitus
You moved away 7 years ago. Has he kept in touch? If not those people have gone on with their lives. Some have probably passed. Others that are his age probably have their own health problems. I doubt they will visit. My Mom's AL was in the same town that Mom had lived for 65 years. She had been active in her Church. She had friends she did things with. Not one person visited her from Church, not even her pastor. No friends came. Why? I think they did not know how to interact with someone with Dementia. And too close to home.
Is there an Adultcare where DH can go for some socializing? When he is gone, you will need that job and the friends you have made there. You also need to talk to an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets u have together. DHs split will be used for his care and then Medicaid applied for. You need to protect yourself and your future.
Your husband would not be happy in his old town either, because HE’S not the same . He’s looking for things to be the way they were years ago . It won’t be and he won’t be happy .
I knew I couldn't do it and that my energy would be better spent being with him. He stopped talking about our plan soon after I knew it wasn't going to happen - the dementia did that. Now in stage 6 heading into 7, he speaks some, doesn't walk much except from bed to recliner and I am now feeding him and changing his underwear. I do not want to put him in a MC or SNF. I know it is a lot of work for me this way. So, we have stayed in our home of over 20 years, and he is as happy as he can be with whatever he remembers. Even the kids don't come by as much as they used to - it's hard for them to see their dad this way. My guess is that your DH's friends will be the same especially at their age.
I have at least familiar stores, my church and people I enjoy nearby and not having those changes on top of everything else is helpful to me.
Take your comfort from where you can. Your job and own life are important. I wish for you strength to be with him and make decisions that are right for both of you. It's not an easy road.
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