Both parents have had combination of strokes or heart issues. Our son says he has no desire to cause them unnecessary emotional or mental harm that could result in physiological harm, and he is okay if he never sees them again. They are highly opinionated against LGBTQ. But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.
Aren't your priorities to care for and have a relationship with your children? Don't your parents have a care plan for their old age?
They have had a lifetime to plan for their old age? Why do they think that YOU are the plan?
Never.
If your parents freak out at the sight of your son, they don’t need to be living with you.
If you don’t mind answering...
When you say your son is transgender- do you mean the traditional definition of - he was born male but feels “mis-assigned” and identifies as a woman?
Has he told you if his intentions are to transition to female? Is planning sex reassignment in the future?
Are you prepared to accept his identity as female, thus referring to your child as a daughter rather than a son? Is it his wish that you do so?
How old is your son?
I ask these questions as I think how you accept his transgender is critical to how you might expect his grandparents to accept it. But, above all - I think it’s important to know and consider what your sons expectations and wishes are.
Because -
I have a lot of friends - as well as a stepdaughter- who are LGBTQ+. Probably more than I do “straight”.
I feel safe and certain in saying that no matter what they might initially say - “I don’t care what ____ thinks” that they do in fact, care. And, what’s more - they long for the support and unconditional love of their family. Especially, their parents.
Something to consider when thinking about moving your parents in and therefore moving your now daughter out via exclusion rather than inclusion on holidays and family events. Even if she says it’s okay - that it doesn’t matter. Cause, trust me - it does.
This is your much loved son. It is absolutely ADMIRABLE that he wishes to cause them no harm, but there isn't a reason in the world he should not be welcome in his/your home for a holiday. Your son gets my hero badge of the day.
Getting old is no excuse for being intolerant. Yes, we become set in our ways, but that doesn't make it OK. Never "co" intolerance and ignorance, no matter what age or mentation carries it into your life.
You set your parents an example by demonstrating that your child remains your child and remains the person s/he always was, and you do that by continuing your relationship without alteration, include holiday invitations.
If you want your parents to take this change in their stride, you won't assist that by treating them as though they will die of shock on hearing the news.
In my experience, people who are highly opinionated about such matters in theory often find that their feelings are very different when they encounter the same matter in the particular. For one thing, they are forced to examine their opinions in relation to someone they actually know something about and don't want to dismiss. They may still react negatively. That is something which, again, they and your child must sort out between them. It's not your responsibility or your right to tell anyone involved what to think; although you are of course free to lay down ground rules in your home about what is and is not acceptable treatment of any person living or staying in it. How did this child get on with your parents before? - were they close?
I remember well my sister's dread of my father's "discovering" that my nephew is gay. My father died before Lovely Nephew was old enough to have significant others so the issue was never aired; but I had two thoughts that I kept to myself. 1. That it was blindingly obvious that LN was gay and I didn't believe it could have escaped our dad's notice. 2. That she ought to have known that mouthy as he was on all sorts of socio-political questions, it was all talk, and when it came to any individual he invariably took them as he found them. If LN had been born ten years earlier and had entered into a [then] civil partnership, his grandfather would have gone to the ceremony. I'd have put money it.
So. Don't melodramatise the situation and don't shut it out of your home. You love *all* of these people, don't forget, but it's not for you to referee their relationships with one another.
When my cousin came out as a lesbian, her mother said “I never had any idea you were gay.” Cousin was like “Really?”.... was obvious even to me when I was a kid and she was a teenager! I told my mom I’d have been surprised if she WASN’T gay. My mom reacted the same way... “I never noticed”. 😅
Her parents took some time to adjust (understandably), but they and all of us extended family fully accept her and regard her partner as family too.