I have been the primary caretaker since 1995. First dad with cancer battle for 13 months then mom moved in with my husband, daughter and myself in 1998. In 2012 my mom started to decline cognitively and mobility. The generation that does not believe in doctors. I am a nurse so I sort of know what is going on inside her. Since the decline, I have asked my older sibling to help with reprieve such as 4 hours a month any day, just so my husband and dgtr could well, just be. After I asked a couple of times, they have completely disconnected. We were inseparable, and the hardest part is the cut off from my 14 year old dgtr. They were so close, he would always come over and visit and call. He did meet someone about the same time of the decline but she is very family oriented so I don't think that is it. I have called, texted and even wrote a letter that I don't care about him helping out, just want the closeness we have had for 40 years. It's the strangest situation, why has he shut off from everyone within my home? Is there anyone on the flip side of caregiving that could shed some light on this behavior? Is ignorance bliss? Meaning not knowing or seeing the decline? I get the "no time, work to much, and "it's my time to live".
I have one more question... Today is my dgtrs last playoff softball game, for the first time in a long time she called him on her own yesterday without telling me til this morning. She said she left a mssg but he never called back. She said she left the time and place if the game. She said "mom, uncle ........has had 24 games to choose to come to since May and he hasn't saw me play once". I used to say he was working, now I simply tell it has nothing to do with her at all and things will work itself out. She is very mature for her age and just said "ok". One thing I left out, the first time I asked for a few hours of help, he emailed me that he did his part in life by raising my niece, (her mom bipolar), I was the mom and took good care of her with him. But he said he met someone he likes and this is his time to live and he does not feel bad about it. I got off track, last night I was thinking if he can't take 15 minutes out of his day to make an appearance and make her day, well I am washing my hands of all of this. I am so sorry for going in like this, but this is the first time in years I have talked about any of this. I will be very hurt for my dgtr if he doesn't show, but why wily I be surprised? I just get so mad when it comes to him ignoring her. She has nothing to do with anything. I have texted him that there would be no talking about anything, just about my dgtr. I am a very easy going person and he knows that. He could call me now and say let's get that lunch you have been wanting and I would put it all to rest. ARGH, I get my mind racing and pray all the time to stop it. Understand that I am reminded constantly throughout the day by mom with dementia how she feels she has no son, 5 minutes later the same statement. So it's difficult to let something go when it's all that is talked about due to memory loss. Baileys in my coffee maybe???? JK. Thank you everyone for for very insightful words, maybe after I continue to share and learn about your challenges, I can figure a few things out.
Jeanne's right: it should be possible to arrange respite breaks regardless of whether or not your brother wants to participate. Apart from anything else, that would also free you to follow Pam's advice to get together socially with brother and new g/f and pick things up again. The bit about poor men finding it so hard boo-boo I have less sympathy with; but never mind that - no reason why you should lose a relationship you value just because of one situation you're out of synch. about.
send him an email ; " hey f*ckhead , spend some time with your niece , were busy caring for mom and niece needs an evening away " . itll draw him closer to the fray while in his male dumbassed mind he thinks hes grabbing what he loves and getting further distanced .
It may not be anything that you've done. My little brother has limited contact with us, though he is one of my mother's golden children. He is very religious. One time I asked him to come over and maybe provide some spiritual guidance to Mom. After being there for a few minutes he was not able to really talk to her. He told me that he couldn't connect with her. I know he cares about her in his own way, he is just not socially adept and she is severely impaired cognitively, so it made him uncomfortable. So he calls her a couple of times a month, which is probably all he feels he can do.
I'm sure my brother's family would step in if asked, but they would do it with attitude. I wouldn't ask them. They have a lot going on in their own lives, so it is easier to hire people. It's a shame that one should even have to ask family. It seems like they should be close enough to know what might be needed. It isn't the way it is nowadays. The Waltons are a thing of the past when it comes to most families.
So the first thing to do is to arrange that. Do what you'd need to do if you were an only child. Rely on paid in-home care. Get Mom into an adult day care program. Find out about volunteer groups who will "granny sit" for a few hours at a time. You NEED respite. Arrange to get it.
Next, you want a continued connection to your brother. I can't tell you why he can't even devote 4 hours a month to Mom's care, but apparently he can't. And I suspect that is an emotional can't -- not a practical can't. So think up some solutions to achieve that. You and brother catch a quick coffee break while a volunteer is at your house with Mom. You, hubby, daughter meet Brother and GF at a restaurant, where no one has to work at the meal.
You need help, and here I am adding more things to your to-do list. Arrange regular respite. Continue contact with your brother. I am sorry about that. I remember how frustrated I got when people just kept giving me more suggestions of things I had to do. But even though I know first-hand the frustration, the fact is, if it is to be, it's up to you to work it out.
Good luck, and please let us know what you try and how it works for you. We learn from each other.