I can't care for my Mother on weekends and my siblings are forcing me. Any advice?

Just say no. They are not putting a weapon to your head. Notify them that you will not take care of mom XX weekend and YY weekend and refuse to discuss it. They brow beat you and you give in. "i can't that weekend, i have plans" and no discussion about the plans or anything. Just do it.

They can't force you to take care of her. If you can't do it any weekend, then I would explain that I can't do it any weekend. Perhaps you could do it two weekends per year, if that would work with you caring for your disabled child. Your primary responsibility is your disabled child.

I would suggest they look for weekend care to come in and do what you have been doing. I would give them a deadline to find alternate care. I wouldn't just stop without providing them sufficient time to make other arrangements.

This might be a time to discuss placing your mom somewhere that she might get round the clock care. Depending on her condition, maybe they could arrange for her to stay at a facility on the weekends. For some seniors, sick or dementia patients, that moving back and forth might be too disruptive. Still, you have to do what you have to do to keep her safe.

This is coming from someone who was the main caregiver. I was told they (siblings) worked and couldn't do anything during the week. This statement led me to believe they would help on weekends. Rather then just being upfront and honest, there was always an excuse and sometimes they just wouldn't even call to say they were coming. I learned to expect nothing and therefore was not disappointed. Be upfront and honest with what you can and can not do. You can not help in anyway. You can help some weekends. You can help some during the week. I think when everything is in the table, it works out better although not everyone will be happy. P.s. I was told sibling wanted to come and just visit and not help. Ironically, by this point my mom could hardly speak a few words.

I would think you should investigate respite care for the weekends you need off, and present them with a done deal. Give them the figures, and tell them that if none of them can come, they need to chip in whatever. Actually, it probably would be better if you let them off the hook, because they won't know your routine and might easily cause problems.

Maybe it is time to investigate a facility for your mother? If she can't stay alone over a weekend without risking something happening to her then maybe she shouldn't be living alone at all.

Patrice, I had to laugh at your sibling saying they just wanted to come visit, and not help. What makes them exempt? I have a sister like that too. She has been to Mom's twice in the last few months, a brief visit on Mother's day and again on Mom's birthday. And she lives only a few blocks away. Meanwhile I am here every week cleaning, doing errands, taking Mom shopping and to the doctor. And I live 90 miles away. My mother does not need visitors. She needs someone to take the stack of newspapers to the recycling bin. She needs someone to replace the light bulb under the range hood. She needs someone to pick up her mail. Etc. etc. I don't get how some siblings can think others are just naturally the family drudge and they themselves or off the hook. Where does that come from?

CarlaCB,
Not to take the responsibility off the other siblings, but from my experience, the siblings who are hands off, are the ones who were not required to do much growing up. There is usually one child who was leaned on and the others never had to do much.

Junior1~Not one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. You need to stand up for yourself and your family. It sounds like your family has learned they can guilt you into doing this. You and only you have to power to retrain your family that you are not available on certain days. It does not mean that you are a bad or selfish person. It means that you respect yourself and the needs of your daughter first!!!

Your sibs can't force you to so anything. You just need to stand up to them, as previous posters have said. They can't "blame you" because they are just as culpable in this dynamic as you are. Sounds like you have always been the responsible one, the one who will always show up and help. They know that. They are counting on that. I think most of us here on these boards are aching for you b/c we are the same. We do a ton for our parents and the rest of the sibs "show up" now and then, with some flowers and pretty words and then we don't see them for months. With my sibs my brother has to be VERY upfront and straightforward and simply call the other sibs at times and tell us (them) exactly what mother needs and by when. It can be hard, but is necessary. Also--your daughter needs you!! Just be tough (sounds easy, is actually hard--good luck!!)

About the siblings who just want to visit (not in OP's question -- from other responses):

While Mom was still living alone in an apartment we had Social Services do a needs assessment. Mother claimed not to need any help at all. Can you keep your apartment clean? Well, no, but my daughters do that. How about laundry? My daughters do that. One sister piped up, Ma when we come to visit you we want to play cards or scrabble or take you to lunch! We don't come to scrub your toilet and have no time for you! (Mom did get housekeeping services and a visiting nurse. Family came as often and stayed as long, but had more time to actually interact with Mom.)

The ideal situation is for much of the routine household chores to be handled by a paid helper, and family freed to do what only family can do best. You can't hire someone to reminisce about the treats Mom made for school birthdays or to remember with Dad the very funny fishing trip. But you can easily hire someone to do the laundry, vacuum, see that all bulbs are working, etc. You can order Meals on Wheels, and occasionally take Mom someplace she loves to eat.

I really don't blame family that just wants to "visit" -- ideally that would be possible for ALL family. But we are seldom in an ideal situation. Everyone needs to face the reality of the situation they are in.

junior1, don't let your siblings bully you.

If mother cannot be alone over the weekend, and all of you leave her alone, then the responsibility if something happens to her when she is alone is on all of your heads. They cannot insist that you and only you are responsible for weekends. (Well, they can insist, but it has no force in ethics or in law.)

They are saying "I can't take care of Mom over the weekends." And you are saying that, too. All of you are entitled to say that. But, assuming you all love your mother, you should be working together to come up with a plan that meets Mom's needs.

How many siblings do you have? What if you rotated weekends so each only had to do it every third or fourth (or whatever) weekend. Might that be doable?

Who takes care of Mom the other five days a week?

A person who needs 24/7 care needs it as much on Saturday as she does on Tuesday. Leaving Mom alone is Not an Option. Your siblings seem to have the attitude that it is you or no one. That is absurd, and is a bullying tactic. The facts are 1) Mom needs weekend care and 2) you are not going to provide that care every weekend (or any weekend, if that is your situation).

All of you need to acknowledge these two FACTS and then focus your energy and finding other solutions.

I think the answer is very difficult but it sounds like it's time for the next step. Just as everyone who's answered so far has pointed out that your siblings cannot force you to do anything, you must remember that you also cannot force your siblings to do anything. If they don't want to help in caring for her, you cannot make them do it. It does sound like your mom needs to be in a facility where she can get 24/7 care. Obviously you've done your best to care for her but I don't think that decision can be postponed any longer. The quality of your own life hinges upon it. Good luck!

Ask church for help in care

Junior, I think you have the best reason of all NOT to be the carer for you need to have quality time with your daughter who has a disability. Invite your 'darling' siblings round for a non negotiable meeting and explain that while you appreciate they would like all their weekends free to enjoy themselves, you owe it to yourself and your daughter to have some quality time together and you are not prepared to give up EVERY weekend to care for your mum and lose out on Mum daughter time with YOUR daughter.

So you have called this meeting to look at some options

PLAN A

WE share weekend care ....Say these are the weekends I WILL do and these are the weekends YOU will need to share between you. If you can't come and care and I understand your reluctance to give up your freedom then we need to look at PLAN B

PLAN B

Mum pays for a sitter/carer (depending on needs) to give us the break we need and I MUST HAVE (note: MUST HAVE this stops it being optional). If you meet a brick wall there and again you probably will then PLAN C comes into play

PLAN C
We have no option then but to place mum in care since her needs come before ours and her needs MUST be met. Once she is in care then I will visit her on these weekends and I expect you to visit her on these weekends - then even if they don't go you will know she is safe from harm

Good luck hun experience tells me they will try to lay the guilt trip on you BUT STAY STRONG. There is a format for this: decide on what you want to say - perhaps

I intend to have some quality time with my daughter and therefore I will not do the care for Mum every weekend

Now every time they try to wriggle you into being compromised repeat the exact same words staring with NO

so NO I intend to have some quality time with my daughter and therefore I will not do the care for Mum every weekend

It doesn't matter what way they try to turn you just keep repeating it. NEVER use the word Sorry - for that gives them an in stay determined and use this 'cracked record' approach - it is very successful.

One of the things all of us need to do is set boundaries. You've express to us that your boundary is you have to care for a disabled child and can not do weekends with your mom too. This is what you tell them. They are not allowed to encroach on your boundary. You act as that you have no say in the matter. Yes you do. Why? Because you matter. So then since you can't give up weekends everyone comes up with Plan B. Your siblings are being terribly manipulative and selfish it sounds to me. They need to grow up and be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Sorry you are dealing with children who never grew up.

In my case, my sisters would not help and tried to sabotage me so I would fail. They tried to make it as hard as possible on me. When my mom had a doctor appointment they would take her insurance cards. When I needed to get new insurance cards, they would steal her identification. When I needed to sell mom's car, they would take the title. I could go on forever. I hired helpers, they would accuse the helpers of abuse, just so I'd have to go through the process of rehiring again, They would visit and complain, complain, complain and refuse to help. Finally I found and placed my mom in a beautiful assisted living. My sisters would visit and be nasty to the entire staff. While my mom was on hospice in AL and my sisters were cruel to them. They were so mean, I was fearful the assisted living would kick my mom out because of my sisters. After my mom died, I planned the whole funeral, it was beautiful, they complained about everything. Then came the nasty letters about how I killed my mom. They did not approve of the doctors I used, they didn't like medicines, the doctors or hospice. They didn't like the funeral or eulogy I gave, even though the three priests and all of guests who were present told me it was beautiful. I had to pretend I was an only child (when it came to my mom's care) it was the only way I could do the job at hand. My brothers were supportive and wonderful, but have very busy lives, they couldn't help. My point is... Do what you need to do, don't expect the others to help. Do not expect any thanks or appreciation. I put myself on auto pilot. In the end, my mom knew who was there, making sure she was very well cared for, she was proud of me. Nobody can ever take that away from me...

All of you should put money together and find a place for your mom. Or medicaid, anything. You will not be able to handle this much longer if they won't help you. Find a home for you mother, it seems other then you she is in hostile territory. Very sad.

Try to find outside help if your not getting help from your siblings. I've been there and it can wear you out and stress you out! Do what you can but also take care of yourself. Getting help from an outside source was the best thing I did , 9 months before my mother past it gave me time not to only to feel like I didn't have to worry as much but to Enjoy my mom and the time was special. I do miss her so much, but when I look back and think what I handle and helped her with , I know now in my heart she knows I truly loved her and was so great full she was the women in my life who taught me to be the woman I am today. Don't wait to long to get some extra help, I don't know your mom financial status, but it is worth looking into for getting help for her, and remember sometimes siblings might say she doesn't need that , Insist that not just that she needs the Help but you also do! Maybe they'll step up to the plate, and start helping. Good luck, May God-Bless you and give you the strength and knowledge to get the help you need and that your mom needs.

Are you caring for your mom in your home or in her home?

Good question: "Who takes care of Mom the other five days a week? "

I solved the family caring issues years and years ago for my elderly father. I told the family member to provide help or I would have father delivered to their home and he would be their problem. Knowing that he would in fact nbe sent to their house they stopped the BS.

Have you met with an elder affairs lawyer and established written POA's and family agreements?

Quoting one of my favorite contributors to knowledge network groups
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"agreements not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on."

Your responsibility is first and foremost to you immediate family.

“The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.” B.B. King

I think for anyone who has siblings like Ilove mum2 has and I know they exist then there is a rule of thumb that I wouldn't normally advocate.

Providing and this is a serious proviso - providing you can JUSTIFY every action you have taken - i.e. you didn't sell the car to go on holiday while mum was left alone or to buy yourself something then I would NEVER tell them in advance - I would tell them AFTER the event.

That way you have kept them informed - AS YOU SHOULD it's just the timing that was a little off but you had so much else to consider it slipped your mind or you thought you had mentioned it. For some godforsaken reasons some people just can't tolerate the competency of others and have to try to sabotage it at every turn.

I have to say when or if I received the first letter that inferred I had killed my mum I would have gone straight to the courts and hurled a libel lawsuit their way - let them pick their way out of that one!

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles

There are wonderful in-home care services available. I helped my mother for five years with everything and she moved into my home, in-law apartment, until last year when we moved her into an ALF. This became necessary because she kept falling, and my husband and I work full time. We hired a caregiver from an in home service and she attended an Adult Day Program four days per week. I have one brother who was helpful, but the other one, who lives one hour away, was too busy to help AT ALL, and he barely called or visited (perhaps 2-3x per year). He distanced himself by spending all his time at his beach house, boating, and otherwise not giving our mother (or those of us caring for her) the time of day. It is easy to become resentful, but at the end of the day, I know that I have done all that I can to provide the care my mother deserves. When her days on this earth are done, I will not have any regrets.

I would make up a schedule for each family member so they would know which weekend was 'theirs" to come and visit and do anything else that was needed to be done. Doesn't matter if they work or not....they get scheduled!. And I would give it back to them...if they they don't come and something happens, it's their fault!

Just wondering what is the weekday care for mom?

CarlaCB: I'm going through that right now with Mom's three granddaughters (27, 20 & 16). They're always offering to "help" in "any way" but what they actually want is to visit for an hour, tell Grandma all about their lives, then leave feeling like they've done their good deed for the day. If I ask them (particularly the oldest one) to do something like drop by the house and feed the cat they always have the excuses at the ready. Now the oldest one seems to think it's up to me to put gas in their car so she can make it to see her grandmother (the facility is a fifteen minute trip from her home) and I've had enough. I told her just yesterday she can either step up or step aside because that kind of half-assed "help" isn't really helping Mom or myself at all.

Junior1: Tell them flat out that if something happens to Mom it's THEIR fault, not yours, as you're putting your all into it with no help from them. "Help" isn't always convenient or fun and their lives are no more or less important than your own.

You don't say...do your siblings take care of her during the week? It boggles my mine that they don't take in consideration your disabled child. That is stress in itself. Again, people, there is not always money for additional care. It's not easy getting on Medicaid.

Make a list of what you can do and a list of what you can't do. Is your childs disability a 24/7 thing? If so, you need to explain what is involved with he/his care that leaves no time for you to help. Be willing to do some compromising. Like it was said, alternate weekends.

Dmanbro, amen take the bull by the horns and make it happen. You can always threaten to call social services and report them. People cannot abandon their parents without consequences, most people don't know that.

Carla, I wish I knew the answer to your question. Mars is my guess. I guess I think back to when I bought my first house, were my parents there to help, yes. When I had my children, yes. Did my parents come and help with things that needed to be fixed, did they do the dishes in the sink, take out the trash, throw a load of wash in, clean up my living room, go food shopping for me? The answer is yes to all those questions and they don't just apply to me but all of my siblings. So I guess hearing that they are too busy, thoughtless or selfish to help, blows my mind. My parents made time when they needed help. I have no guilt and can live with myself and have decided to let everything else go

Patrice, well said! Noncontributory siblings seem to find it easy to forget how much parents cared for them while they were growing up, and helped out as they were early adults finding their way in life.


Junior, your siblings are apparently aggressive and self-interested and are manipulating you by making you feel guilty. This situation isn't going to change, so it'll be easier for you to move on to the fact that you're in this alone on this journey. Hard words, but true, so make plans accordingly.

But as preparation for a possible eventuality of siblings expecting a share of your mother's estate, document contact with them, and do as much as possible by e-mail, including addressing the issue of their contributions.

To further document their refusal to help on weekends, e-mail them explaining again the situation, and ask either for their help or their financial contribution so that you can hire sometime to stay with your mother. Make them "put their money where their mouth is."

You could also ask if they feel they could handle the weekend tasks with some training on caregiving. It is a remote possibility that they don't feel emotionally or physically up to the challenge.

Read ILoveMom2's post about post-death hassles from siblings. I recommend documenting for a good reason - when your siblings start with the hassles, remind them of their refusal to participate. But above all, protect yourself and your mother.

They probably will balk at contributing financially. Then think how you would handle the situation if you were an only child, which for caregiving purposes you are. If there's no way you can afford someone for weekend care, it might be time to consider other arrangements.

There may be a facility that could provide respite care, where your mother could stay for the weekends.

Who is taking care of the mother during the week? OP says she needs 24/7 care, well that doesn't just happen on weekends.

Like many posters the OP doesn't provide enough information to understand the situation, are the other siblings taking turns, who is taking care of the mother the rest of the time?

Maybe they will come back and answer this.,

Hi Junior1
I was the "helper" in my family my whole life. I became very sick in my 40's and had 5 operations I. 10 years. The only person who assisted me in anyway was my Godmother. She helped me pay my for my medical insurance and some of the medical bills. I have 5 brothers and sisters and 2 parents. None of them helped me. I helped myself.
You have a disable daughter to consider. Obviously your siblings think you are an "expert helper" and therefore you should do it.
THEY ARE DUMPING THE WHOLE LOAD ON YOU AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT!!!!!
As the others suggested, who takes care of her the other days? What is Mom's medical condition? Does she need 24/7 care? Did you contact the department for the Aging in your area?
A social worker would be able to find out what type of benefits your mom may be entitled to. Meals on Wheels is a great one - pre prepared meals delivered to home.
What type of help are you giving her on weekends?
Can someone else be paid to do it?
It sound like you are compassionate and understand you mom's needs and that you love her.
But you are getting burnt out and she has other kids too.
They cannot force you to take care of your mom. They are lazy bullies. Get some help and report to your siblings you will be unavailable to do it yourself.
You do not have to give them any reason.
They are her kids too.
When my mom got sick a few years ago, I did a lot to help her until she moved out of state. Then I could do no more. She gets help in the home and my wealthy sibs stop by to visit her when they can. I do not have the funds to visit her, but at least she has care in her home.
You do not have to take the full responsibility for your mother.
Save yourself and your daughter. There are probably Medicare or Medicaid benefits for her.
If it is just general housework, get the others to pitch in or pay for someone to do it.
When I got sick and stopped being the "expert helper" they were very angry at me. I don't care. I had to help myself. If they didn't understand and that - too bad. They are grown ups too.
Incidentally, my Godmother passed away last year. I was in the hospital by her side as she lay dying. Other family show up 2 days before she passed, collected from her estate and so on. I loved and cared for this woman every way I could and am at peace with the matter. She was the ONLY one who helped me (financially and with moral support) when I was sick.
Everyone cries at the funeral, but few are willing to do what is necessary to take care of the loved one.
Do what you can and enlist HELP.
They cannot force you to do it yourself. They are self absorbed and taking advantage of your good nature.
Don't be surprised if they are angry at you for refusing to do it all by yourself. They are on easy street now. That means they actually might have to do their share.
Like many have said, you have mentioned little about her physical and medical condition. If she has a physical disability or medical needs, social services can help. If she simply needs a housekeeper for the weekends, perhaps social services can help
as well. Maybe she needs assisted living. You do not state her physical or medical condition.
Otherwise, hire a house keeper - sound like the sibs cam either pay or they can go keep her house themselves.
I know you love you mom. She knows it too. Do what you can, but you do not have to do it all by any means.
Save yourself and your daughter. You are e titled to take care of your own happiness and welfare and you are responsible to your daughter, not your siblings.
Sounds like they have grown accustomed to relying on your good nature for everything. Believe me, I have been there.
There is other help out there.

Good luck Junior1!!

Sounds like you need to consult an attorney.