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I'm in a real funk after talking to one of my sisters yesterday. She is angry with me for walking away from my father who was 88 at the time (two years ago). I've put up with both verbal and physical abuse since I was a kid - hands around my throat with him threatening to knock my teeth in. I had been knocked to the floor and dragged by the hair of my head when I was just a kid. Even told me one time he couldn't stand to look at me. I could go on. There were 5 kids in the family and the 1st three of us had to put up with the bullying. I attribute their mental health issues to his actions. The younger siblings never experienced it at all, esp my youngest sister who thinks he's wonderful. I had had enough after the last angry outburst from him and decided that it was best for my well being and state of mind to simply walk - no contact for two years. Now he's in hospital with Leukemia I found it yesterday and my sister is upset that I've dumped all his care giving on them. I have offered to assist financially only. It's hard esp. since I am the oldest (now 65). I cannot be in the same room with him at all. I feel absolutely no love towards him what so ever. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm now totally cut off because everyone is upset with me. Feeling depressed and as if I'm the only one who sees the clear picture of what a complete jerk my father has always been. Anyone else experience this??

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No one who was abused by someone should be expected to care for them in the senior years. No one.
That your sister did not experience what you did does not entitle her to expect your assistance in his care.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can tell her you're willing to help HER with things she might need, as long as you don't have to be in contact with your dad. If she can't understand your feelings, there's not much more that you can do, other than to try and keep the lines of communication open with her.
Your mental health matters, and trying to bury the feelings about your dad will cause you nothing but pain. I hope you can reach a resolution with your sister that will work for both of you.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thank you so much for your advice! Yes, I have offered a number of times to help financially. I love my sister and hate that this is causing such friction between the two of us. I really appreciate your help.
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Tell your sister to practice what she is preaching.

She wants you to forgive and forget abuse, yet she won't accept that you can not continue to be abused by this man, so she isn't forgiving you for her having to take care of him. Maybe she is more like him than you know.

You are correct in keeping yourself away from the abuser, regardless of what he is to you.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
I am hoping that, at least, some day she will see my side of things. She is very close to my father and the fact that he's as sick (in hospital) is hard for her. She lives 4 hours away and is doing her best to handle the situation. I understand where she is coming from. Feeling very out of touch and isolated as she has made it clear that she is angry with me. No matter, I am sticking to my decision to keep my distance. I've tried again and again to be a good daughter, but his mean, nasty self comes out time and time again.
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My sister has NOT been apart of my mothers life for years ..more than 20yrs. She is 7 years older than me and has her own past with my mother that i am not aware of. (some things I am aware of) I wish my sister well. She has no idea what my mom is going through (dementia) and my sister has isolated herself apart from our small "family". I am here taking care of our mother by choice.
I am sorry you were abused by your father. No-one deserves the wrath of someone else's wounds and sickness. Your little sisters experience is much different and its okay for her to have a relationship with her father. Your experience is very different and its okay for you NOT to have a relationship with your father.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thank you I appreciate your input esp. coming from your perspective. I wish you well with the care of your Mom.
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Whenever people use the G word (guilt) I ask them to search for another word. Semantics matter. Unless you are a felon you have nothing to feel guilty about. You may well feel DISAPPOINTED that your siblings don't understand that you are done with abuse and have decided not to risk it entering your life again. You may be unhappy that you are not a selfless Saint seeking martyrdom and the word "thanks" which of course you won't ever hear from this family. You might feel worried that your father, always abusive is now ill and hurt that there will not be any redemption. You might feel confused about what you are able to do and still keep your sanity, and what you will CHOOSE to do in future. But after years of abuse I doubt that "guilt" is what you really feel. When siblings grow up in an abusive household they often become either abusers or recipients of abuse habitually in adulthood. You have done the right thing, broken the chain and walked away. Whether because he chose to or because he was inadequate at parenting, your Dad was lost to you long ago. The siblings made their own choice. You have offered what you can. If there is more you would LIKE to offer, do so. If not, continue on. If your siblings are angry and abusive, walk away from them as well.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thanks for your helpful advice. I could understand it if my father had some sort of mental issues, but it was nothing but anger over the years. If any of us dare to disagree with something he'd say, he would strike out. It's a wonder I have an ounce of self esteem and can actually think for myself. It has been extremely helpful to have joined this forum and I do so appreciate everyone's comments. I feel now that I've made the right choice and that's what life is all about. Caring for an elderly parent is a choice, I feel and shouldn't ever be an obligation. I know that my choice has resulted in resentment from my siblings. Not sure why any of them have stuck around for him. Hey, but that's their choice, I guess. Again, thank you.
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You are responsible with your siblings to see that your dad is safe and cared for. You are not required to have a relationship with him.

It seems to me you're doing what is required and no guilt is necessary.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thanks very much. I'm thinking I've made the right decision to stay clear of him. I've got one life and I'm not going to put up with my father and more. Luckily he has my siblings to look after him. Maybe some day they will see things how they really are with him. 'Realizing that I'm not obligated to care for someone as miserable as he is.
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I'm really sorry to hear that you've had such abuse from your father and that you feel isolated from some of your family. I understand your feelings of guilt - this is quite a natural reaction if you are a caring person but are unable to help your father in this situation. Your past history with him and his violent, abusive behaviour really gives you every right to be cautious and wary of being in contact with him again, despite his illness. You distanced yourself from this in the past for very good reasons. Getting directly involved again now could lead to further abuse. It is very good of you to offer financial assistance, which is a lot more than most would do after such bad treatment. If your sisters and other siblings don't want to accept your financial offer, that is up to them, but at least you have made it. Don't be pressured into doing any more than you are comfortable with. It might help you to write a letter to him explaining why you cannot do any more and that you wish him well. You don't even have to send him this letter, but it would allow you to work through your feelings and help you to explain this to others. Please put your own wellbeing first. After my own father died last year, I had to walk away from my abusive stepmother as her cruelty towards me around the time of my father's death put me in therapy. I'm not happy that I've left a widow on her own, and said goodbye to a relationship of over 30 years, even though the abuse was always there. I feel guilt about this, but my therapist has helped me to see that I must put my health first and that other people are responsible for their own actions and have to live with the consequences. I hope this helps you to stay strong.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Hi, so sorry to hear that you have had to put up with abuse from your step mother, especially at the time of your father's passing. I think we all have self doubts about things and having to walk away from an ill father is not in my character. Yes, I've seen a therapist years ago and spilled out everything bottled up. It actually felt pretty good. I'm going to keep my distance (good advice) and continue to do so. Thanks for your input. It's been very helpful.
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You have no obligation to care for your abuser. You have been made to feel inadequate all your life so that’s why you feel guilt. Find some counseling to help you heal from the abuse. Are you close with your siblings? Doesn’t sound that way. So you will be scapegoated anyway - no matter what you do. Stepping into a caregiver role would be suicide. Be thankful your younger siblings were spared, and explain that to them if you want to. Otherwise you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s hard to not have your truth validated. I know, I’ve been there. Be direct with your siblings: “Dad beat most of us; he was physically and emotionally abusive to me and it’s not a good plan for me to be involved in his care. I’m happy you were spared. So you need another plan.” Wishing you comfort and peace.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thank you for you advice. Yes, I've been brought up to believe that caring for an elderly parent wasn't a matter of choice, but an obligation. My feelings have changed regarding that now. My father doesn't deserve my care and attention. If my siblings feel that's the right thing to do, that's their choice. No matter what, the feeling of guilt creeps in that I'm not there to help them out. Financially, I'll assist them only. I owe it to myself to look out for ME. Hopefully, someday, we can all move on from this.
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You don’t need to forgive or forget. Mental illness is no excuse. If your dad wants your forgiveness then he should ask for it. Your sister has no right to tell you that you should forgive and forget.

You didn’t dump all the caregiving on your siblings. If they chose to do it, that’s on them. You had every right to walk away. And I’d say your dad did the dumping by failing to plan for old age. You’ve done more than a lot of siblings have done by offering financial support. I agree, your sister needs to practice what she preaches and forgive & forget!

are you totally cut off from all the siblings? What is stopping you from reaching out to them? Your youngest sister, it seems she thinks she’s calling the shots? Don’t let her drive a wedge between everyone.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thanks, but I have reached out to the one sibling I'm closest to. The conversations on Messenger are brief replies that are usually one sentence replies from her. I can understand her frustrations over the situation, but I've decided to do what's best for me. My father's personality is too toxic to be around. My Mom and siblings have always excused his behavior as, "that's just the way he is". Keeping my distance and if they don't like it, I guess, that's too bad.
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You have my total understanding. I was the only surving daughter, middle child of 7. In the process of protecting myself from mother, emotionally, I never really knew her. After high school, I moved hours away to attend school and avoid contact with her. When she finally apologized for her neglect and emotional abuse, (night of her mother's death), it was too late for us. I contributed as I could, provided a home when hers was irreparable from neglect, with no assist from siblings. In her last days, I was the only one with her up to her last breath, "they couldn't handle it." The resentment turned to regret for the relationship we never had. My brothers were still young when I left, and likewise prefer to remember otherwise. I did what I did for my father, with whom I shared adoration and respect. I thought, if that wonderful man loved her, must be some good somewhere. Your tragic situation involves both physical and emotional abuse. That's tough to ignore even when his days are numbered. I suggest having someone other than family ask if he'd like to see you, and if so visit briefly without siblings, keeping conversation on level of your comfort zone. Its all going to depend on how important peace with your siblings is to you. Forget about changing their mindset, they can't relate. Like you, I have no pleasant memories of my life with her. What I did was based on respect of her position as my mother, certainly not her performance. One visit should suffice. Again, keep it private with understanding that he may say something thoughtless or even apologetic. Don't feign affection you don't feel and he didn't earn. You could not have escaped that era without great personal strength and self respect. Let it guide you and you will do the right thing. Be kind to yourself.
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artistwifey Jul 2020
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No one should have to care for anyone that abused them Physically or mentally.
You can support your sister. If she wants it and if you want to give the support.
You can help her or her family while she is helping your father.
You do not have to explain, you do not have to rehash what he did just tell her that you can not care for him personally.
If she or anyone else in the family "doesn't get it" there is no need to explain your decision.
Do not let the feeling of guilt make you do something that will be harmful to your mental health.
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HRlot129 Jul 2020
Thank you for your reply. You are right - I walked away for my own state of mind and well being. The stress of being around him was too much to bear. My father could be the nicest guy, but there was another side all together just like Dr Jekyll. Thank you for your advice. I know deep down I did the right thing, but still can't help but feel the guilt.
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