Siblings upset with me after I walked away from my nasty father. Having mixed emotions over this - guilt is one.

sorry to hear of such a horrendous childhood. no child deserves to be treated that way.  Apparently he was treated that way and it carried down on some of you kids.  Please do not feel guilty that someone else now has to deal with stuff.  You have dealt with more than a person should have dealt with.  The others are just upset because now they will have to deal with his outbursts and bullying because you are no longer the "so-called" punching bag of the family and they won't know what to do.  you can offer suggestions on the "care" but for YOUR health......do not let yourself get back into the situation of the stress he has caused you.   personally I would rather be cut off and be healthy than be involved and be sick.  wishing you luck

Dear HRLot29: (Hi from a trained psychologist)
Your post describes a covert psychologically +physically abusive dynamic, which describes at least one parent choosing to abuse ONLY one or two children, whilst ensuring the non-abused siblings don't see or experience that abusive side, to always be able to deny everything.

In that particular dynamic, the parent(s) continue lifelong abusing and creating conflicts between siblings, unfortunately as that group of siblings gets older, the abuse dynamic continues to be hidden from the un-abused, whilst, the abused continue being abused.

Usually, the manipulative parent will recruit one or two siblings to join into the abuse, by slandering the abused to the recruited sibling, who is (still) vying for the parent's attention and approval or perhaps wanting an inheritance. Usually there's ALWAYS conflict between siblings, covertly orchestrated by the parent(s).
Those who have never seen that shitty side of your father, will never believe the abuse happened.

Does that maybe help explain your situation?

Hopefully you told nobody that you had cut off your contact.(Meaning a silent exit is the strongest if not safest tactic, since what you say will always be used against you).

At this point, it's highly likely your father is pretending to be a victim of what he claims as your abuse onto him (lies---all untrue, but his victim-hood will describe what he did or has done to you).

Nothing can be done to change him, he is very skilled at manipulating, he will never stop. Since your father will keep abusing you, This latest garbage hopefully confirms that you made the correct decision to ghost him. Your father is inciting your siblings to gang-up on you, to think that you're the problem, as he pretends to be the victim of a heartless daughter.

WHY??? Because that personality type enjoys inflicting abuse and pain, creating conflicts, etc. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to get your siblings to understand. He will keep abusing and confusing as he is dying. It never ends.

This forum contains many people who have experienced similar covertly abusive dynamics. The best tactic might be to continue staying away.

For what type of care are they wanting assistance? Professionals exist for every stage of "care." Meaning it's likely your father bemoaning your lack of participation, to get sympathy from others.

Based on your post your father has has deliberately abused you + possibly other siblings whilst successfully hiding that abuse from the everyone else. Have you spoken to the other abused siblings about his bullsh*t?

It's the worst type of abuse b/c it's HIDDEN calculated and determined. That type of personality will break your leg, whilst pretending that you broke your leg, for attention. His abuse is covertly manipulative, and NEVER something that you caused, it's not your fault, he chooses to abuse and continues to manipulate your siblings, which he has been doing for your entire life.

That type of personality's goal is to create lifelong problems between you + your siblings, placing himself at the center controlling everything; It's still happening b/c it's what he enjoys doing; it's twisted and difficult to comprehend someone without a conscience manipulating others for fun.

Your situation is highly complex and cannot be approached without you learning more about that personality type, ( to enable you to deeply understand that there was nothing you could do to fix or stop that situation, a call to social services would've escalated his abuse, to more painful hidden areas).

You must understand his actions are deliberate and calculated. Otherwise his behaviors would've never varied nor changed depending upon his audience. If he was clueless and not deliberately abusing you, then every sibling and outsider would've been exposed to the same father/character.

A book, that might help clarify his abuse:"Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft

I am sorry for what you are going though and that your sister cannot respect your choice not to have contact.  My husband's sister is in her late 50's and her sons are 28 & 30.  The rest of the family had to stop contact with her several years ago because of her behavior.  The youngest son finally got away from Mom and moved out.  He is now building his own life and has a GF and is helping raise her daughter.  He is in contact with his brother but brother will not leave Mom to force her to get the help she needs.  I wish you the best and please continue to do what you need to for yourself.

You have a lot of emotional history to sort through. Find a good counselor or therapist to help you through this time.

Helpful advice from readers! I think this entire family should get professional help, either together or separately.

HRlot, you can do therapy on the computer or your phone. It’s called teleheath. Most therapists are doing it this way now with a Covid and most insurance companies are paying for it, except the copay. That’s what I’m doing. My therapist sent me a link on my phone. Kinda like FaceTime. Most therapists do not want to see you face to face right now. Give it a try. I’m not taking about online therapy. I’m talking about actually going to the therapist office but because of Covid they are only doing teleheath. It’s legit.

I am an only, but Mom's brothers and sisters think she is a saint. They want to blame everything on my Dad.

I was fortunate in that I did not deal with the abuse that you dealt with.

People change, through time.

Why are your siblings unwilling to assume responsibility?

Practical matters need to be addressed.

Donyah

I was reading your comment about father shutting himself in his room in later life, not abusing the younger siblings, and I was also thinking about Sendhelp’s analysis of it. I wonder about one alternative – that somehow someone reported him to authority about child abuse, and he decided he had better control it by getting out of the room. If he stayed nasty verbally, I’m not sure that he ‘mellowed’ all that much. Younger siblings might have had the dynamic that women report about abusive husbands, with earlier behavior very loving before it turns into very controlling. If so, they were lucky it didn’t go bad.

Yes I’ve seen this before dealt with it first hand with my own family. I work in a nursing home as a supervisor but my grandfather was exactly what you described to his children. This caused lots of mental illness I actually thought you were my mother writing this until you said his diagnosis. I took over his care and my mom and aunts done all his finances and gave me money to buy his food etc. but they paid all his bills and kept receipts I supervised most of the visits because I would be the one dealing with his behaviors latter on when they left. I also talked to all my aunts about what they had experienced in there childhood as I did not have this experience since my grandfather was a born again christian who no longer was a alcoholic through my life. But it was important that they were able to talk about there trauma and be able to forgive him not for him but for themselves as I knew he would soon die. It’s ok to not be involved just tell your siblings that you just can’t do it and it’s not healthy for him either. But I love that you have shared your feelings and now you can start to forgive for yourself. So help financially it will be part of that healing for you and help you with these feelings of guilt. So go buy him a pajama set send it to him. Send your siblings lunch if there in the hospital tell them you want to support them as there able to care for him and you cannot. So support the support another-words. I just want to say I know this trauma and the need for the younger ones to have love even if it was not a healthy love. All deal with trauma in different ways it’s ok to tell them that you appreciate there way of dealing with it and you will always be there for them. Do what you can but don’t have this guilt I think by helping those you do love and indirectly helping your siblings you will find some healing. But don’t discount there grief there perception of what is happening is different then yours so if they call you for advice for his care give it over the phone. Tell them you will send lunch to the hospital for them and to call if they need anything. My Grandfather died they all had mixed feelings about that but in the end they knew he was taken care of and that they all supported me who was able to care for him physically so that guilt was not there for them I thanked them for everything they did and told them what a help it was. I’ve seen this trauma and guilt destroy family’s. It was very hard for me to do this alone but I would never have told them that because like you the abuse was severe. He died of alcohol related dementia which turned to Alzheimer’s but all are ok no guilt when they say there guilty I definitely tell them they should not be remember you helped me with his care and I couldn’t have done it without you. They suffer from mental illnesses from this abuse. Don’t feel guilty at all. Just support those you can and find a way to be at peace with your decision. I am so sorry for the abuse you endured you are a survivor.

HRlot, the reason you don't feel any love towards him is because he did not give you any love in the first place. He might be your father biologically, but he wasn't a father to you mentally or emotionally. Real men don't abuse their children. Feeling the way you do doesn't make you a bad person, it means you respect yourself enough to not take crap from anyone, family especially. I don't blame you for walking away.

I am in a similar situation to you: cut off from my mother's side of the family because she was abusive towards me and they refused to acknowledge that. But you know what? I'd rather be alone than miserable. I'd rather be alone than with someone who thinks it's okay to abuse me. Because family is love, and love is not abuse.

Unfortunately we do not get to choose our family- I sure as heck would not have chosen mine.

HRlot, you said your father passed away last night. I know it’s not appropriate to say “sorry for you loss”. But I do hope you find closure. A relief that he is gone and you can move on with your life. If leaving your siblings behind is what needs to be done, then leave them behind. They don’t understand what you went through. I hope you find joy and happiness moving forward with new friends, with new FAMILY, that isn’t blood related. It’s never too late to start over. I just hope you find closure. I don’t blame you at all for not reconciling with your father. How could you? He abused you and treated you terribly. Remember what I said. You can do a teleheath conversation with a therapist to help you in the short term. Big HUGS 🤗 to you!!!

Siblings in a family never understand that everyone didn't have the same experience growing up together. There's often one sibling who becomes the lightening rod for all the parents anger and abuse. Sounds to me like you and your older siblings understand this. The younger ones don't and probably never will. You offering to help financially is very generous, but there's a reason why you had to walk away. They don't understand that it's not the dementia that was causing your father to be abusive to you, not if that's how he always treated you. You don't owe your siblings a damn thing. So have not a moment of guilt over any of it.

Following your father's death, I send you best wishes for a future life that is more manageable emotionally, and the same for your siblings. You all have my sympathy for the whole episode. Margaret

HRlot, I pray that you find peace with this situation.

You did nothing to deserve the abuse and all you can do is let it all go now.

You are strong because of what you went through, embrace what it made you, not what anyone else thinks about it or you. You can proudly say that you are a survivor.

Hugs!

You have no need to feel GUILTY.
That little period at the end of the sentence above means FINISHED.
No one can make you feel guilty.
You know your sister is projecting her own feelings on you.
REMEMBER TO SMILE!!!

You may not be following now, but your last ‘thank you’ post made me think again about your regrets for the ‘lost relationship’. I had 65 years of knowing what my father was. I did the normal thing and tried again for a relationship in my late teens, and the closer I got, the more I realised his unpleasant issues. The idea of a lost ‘warm and fuzzy’ relationship of mutual respect was never even a possibility. If it’s the same for you, just give up on the regrets. What you are regretting is that he was what he was. He was never going to turn into the father with whom the relationship would have been what you wanted. Don’t get hooked on that twist and turn. Undo your head now.

Hi, just checking to see how u are doing. We have a lot in common. Been there done that. I'm 64, oldest of 3, the scapegoat, extreme toxic narcissist father. He died in May. My last visit to him in the ALF was in January. He was an abusive pos. My mother died in 2018 from a stroke, the direct result of the stress of years of narc abuse. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Once she passed, I finally stepped out of the F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. You have the right to remove toxic people from your life and do what's best for u. As soon as the estate is settled, I'll be done with the GC brothers as well. They were always his favorites, yet I was the one stuck with all the responsibilities of his care with NO moral or financial support from them. I have zero guilt. The only thing I regret is not cutting all ties years ago. I had been waiting for months to get that call from the ALF. The burden lifted from my shoulders was such a relief that I literally did a happy dance. I am now concentrating on my own health issues. Let go of the toxic sibs and enjoy your freedom. Blood is not thicker than peace of mind! All the best to you. (((HUGS)))

Arriving here a little late, and haven't read all the comments, but OP's comment struck a cord for me:

"Oh, she certainly is and she's told me that I need to forgive and forget."

So long as the source of pain is removed, one can likely forgive, if one chooses to. Forgetting is not likely to happen. It is retained in our memories, so how does one forget?

In my case it wasn't my father, but my OB. He was very abusive (physically, emotionally, verbally) when we were growing up. Not sibling rivalry, really nasty (of course when parents weren't around!) As we got older and would hang out with our own friends, there was less and less interaction, so this seemed to go away.

Funny anecdote: I had a small party in my college apartment. I don't recall why he was there, but after everyone else left, he actually said to me that he would like to marry someone like me. I was really taken aback by this, and without even thinking, my reply was "Why, so you can beat the S out of her?"

Fast forward MANY years... We've not been living local to each other. Once in a while he would come to visit for a bit and things were okay (there'd always be others around.) After moving our mother to MC, there was the need to clear out, clean up and repair her condo to sell it. Of course, as others have found, despite there being 3 of us, who gets most of the work? Anyway, he did come up a few times to help. During one trip, I missed subtle signs that this behavior never went away. The last trip, just over 2 years ago, he didn't make it to the first week staying at my place so we could visit mom and do clear/clean. He gets angry when he doesn't understand you. He gets angry when you don't understand him. He's always ragging on others, co-workers, people he has to do business with, etc, so clearly it isn't me - I just happen to be easily pushed. So, he got very angry, crossed the room (at least 10', possibly more) and threw me to the floor, twice! Bruised my lower leg/ankle. I told (yelled at) him to get out. I went to my room, but neglected to lock the door. The whole time he was packing up, he was hurling nasty spiteful hurtful things at me. He even opened the door to yell some more. That did it for me. Once he was out of the house, I was DONE with him.

He stayed at the condo the rest of the time, but by Monday (it happened on Friday night), he was over it* and started coming here to drop crap from mom's off. I refused to open the door or even acknowledge he was here. I am SO done with him, forever. Maybe he can pull this crap and forget about it, but HE wasn't the one who was abused. Forget? Nope. I passed off the early stuff as whatever, but clearly this IS who he is. I don't care what happens in the future, I will have NOTHING to do with him. Period. If he happens to come up for mom's burial, whenever that is (he did NOT come for dad's), I am hoping my daughter will be with me and keep away from him. I don't even want to talk to him, ever again.

People who haven't had this done to them find it easy to say forgive and forget. They aren't the ones who have experienced the abuse. Sure, forgive. Forget, not likely, but to say do this and put yourself back in harm's way??? Nope. Had I any inkling this is who he was, I wouldn't have allowed him to stay here. BTW, had a long discussion with his daughter. I was curious about his split with her mother. Apparently they were subjected to some of this behavior as well. I warned her to beware! The last time he pulled that crap with her, she was already an adult, at least 30 yo!

*NOTE: One time bringing up some bad memories with/about mom, she said she didn't remember that. I replied "No, you don't, because it didn't hurt YOU to do what you did or said." That's part of the problem with abusers. They don't experience the hurtful side, so they "get over it." People want us to forget??? Psssssh... Why pray tell, so they can continue their evil ways? NOPE.

I agree with those who said offer to help your sister. You care about her and want to help her, but not the help she seems to be asking for. This can be financially, doing kind things to take some burden off her own duties and chores, gift cards, hiring help so she can get a break, whatever SHE needs to help keep her sanity. Whatever you can do to lighten her load that does not involve being with him.

I'm sure she wants you and the others to "share" in the care, but I am wholeheartedly against that. If nothing else, it just brings those awful memories to the forefront for us, but there is potential to expose yourself to more abuse. NO. As they say, we have to know and remember our history to avoid repeating mistakes! Clearly WE didn't ask for or deserve any of the abuse, but if you don't acknowledge it and protect yourself, you are just putting yourself in harm's way - even if he isn't capable of physically hurting you, verbal/emotional abuse is VERY hard to deal with. Many don't understand how harmful this is, because NO ONE can see the bruises.