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Desperate situation. I have three siblings, two of whom don't work, and none who do anything to help. They won't even take her out to lunch. My mother, who has end stage ms, asked my elder sister if she would wash her hair and my sister refused. She did it in a sneaky way by texting me that mom had emailed her re her hair and that I should wash it, insinuating clearly that i had dropped the ball. The final straw came yesterday, and I am so totally sickened by this that I can't even think straight. I have the flu, it started yesterday, and while I've had to endure my fathers abuse for iypt, I was just getting done what I could . My mother had diahhrea yesterday and dad took her back to bed. Today my skin is itchy and I have a fever of 101. But yesterday, my sister told me that she thinks I gave my mother laxatives in order to "back up" my "story" about being sick. I am now not just faking my illness according to her, I would also harm my mother. I can't even find a word or words to describe how disgusting she is for even thinking that, let alone saying it out loud. Please, please, does anyone know how to deal with someone like this? By the way, the family knows my temp is 101 today and not one has offered to come help even though I am certain I am contagious. I am at a loss and know that when I feel physically better I am going to have quite a bit of anger. Any advice please, this crushed me. I don't really care that she called me a faker (she is47 years old if you can believe that) because I am used to her low pathetic blows. But this latest sickens me. When I told my elderly father what shed said he did not say a word in my defense. If somebody has dealt with a family this lazy and overtly evil please I am desperate for advice. Thank you.

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My first thought was GET THE HECK OUT OF THE HOUSE, but that might not be realistic for you right now, but GET THE HECK OUT OF THE HOUSE. Secondly, you said yourself that your siblings are lazy & evil, and your father sounds like he's just mean and nasty, so why would you listen to any of them? In my opinion you need to look at their motivation for anything that comes out of their mouths. Your sister that won't wash moms hair for example. Why did she put it back on you? What's the hidden agenda for her to say anything negative about your care giving? Is it money, jealousy etc? Once you find out that, then you'll have the freedom to stop reacting to everything that comes out of their mouths, and carry on. I'm sorry about the flu thing, that's gonna make everything worse when you don't feel well, but you DO need to get away from this. If you'd never been born, believe me your family would've found someone to take care of the parents. So if you left, they'd survive and spread their poison amongst themselves just fine.
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Family? What family? You don't have a family, you have a nest of vipers. Change your phone number and simply refuse to talk to any of them. Divorce them if you have to, make it clear they're no longer welcome around you and that they don't have anything to say that you want to hear anymore. DNA be damned. Just because someone is a 'family' member doesn't mean they have a God given right to be in your life if they're nasty and abusive.
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Can you tell us more about your situation? Do you live with your folks? I would have to believe that your sister has always been this way and you keep hoping she'll change and step up to the plate. She won't. And your dad isn't any help either. The ugly reality is you have to quit looking to siblings for help or support. It just won't be there.

And if your dad won't support you either, then you have to decide how much you're willing to do for your parents. Why did your mom email your sister about her hair and not just ask you? Does she think you're overworked? Or does she stir the pot between you and your siblings too? Give us more of the back story so we know more. But bottom line, you need to protect yourself and quit looking to siblings for help or support. Trust me, I know.
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I'd be curious to know also what sisters motivation is? Usually it's the almighty $$$. This sister has caused you pain in the past... What have you tried to get her out of your life?

I hear your desperation! You need to figure out how to make you number 1 in your life..

When sister tried turning the hair washing on you, your response should have been "she asked you" and it's time you help out!! "They are your parents too"!!

Good luck and hope the flu goes away quickly...
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Call your MD and relay your symptoms and the situation. If you have Benadryl, it will help with the itch. Go home and go to bed. Advise the others you are off duty. They can handle it. Repeat: they can handle it. If there is a crisis with mom or dad, tell them to call 911, you are not available.
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I think we have the same sister. Mine would go behind my back and start stuff and prode my Mother on to do things that were the opposite of what I'm trying to do.
I wrote sister an email and told her that if she could do a better job than I please have at it. She never wrote back and so far she has left things alone. We shall see. Mother's health is only going to get worst and I'm very afraid. Join a support group they can give you some great advise on where and who you can call if you need more help. This can also help if you need to see your own doctor. Your siblings aren't going to help you and this might be a blessing.
Remember to take care of you first
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Pstegman in an earlier post bummer said she lives at parents and sister has the "rent free" attitude, like she does nothing all day and night 24/7.. Jeez!! If these siblings lived our day for 1 day they certainly would "see the light"...
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Take care of yourself first!! Stay away from parents and don't accept siblings calls. If they are disparate, they'll call mom and dad and they can go help if needed.

When you are fully recovered and sibs give you sh--, respond, well I was sick with flu and didn't want to give it to mom and dad, everyone knows it is serious in the elderly.

Tell them this was a wake up call and they need to step up and help or arrange for outside care for mom and dad.

Same for you, divorce the family. Stop defending your actions, stop taking their calls. If they want to find updates on mom and dad, tell them to come visit mom and dad.

Set boundaries with mom and dad and tell them they need to arrange for some assistance via senior center, STAYING PUT, Retired senior volunteer persons (RSVP ) or other organization and then stick to it. Tell parents you will visit tues and sat or whatever and that's it.

If you live with them, move out. Get a job, a roommate, rent a room, whatever. But stop enabling these leeches. Time for sibs to step up and help mom and dad.
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Key things I read is mom has end stage ms and you are running a temp. All othe family drama aside, you need bed rest and mom needs to not be exposed to your illness at this time. Let them know in writing you will be gone for 3 days or until it clears. Can you go to a hotel for a few nights? Dad is able to help, as he did the other sisters need to step up.
I do not like to opine on family matters because their are always various sides and complications often decades of history, but nodoubt you siblings need to help.
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First, let me say I thank God I found all of you, your experience, advice, and support mean more to me than I can ever express adequately. I did block my older sisters ability to text me, but I am still flabbergasted about the laxative comment. Has anyone dealt with a sibling or family member who does nothing to help but then accuses the caregiver of doing something to harm the person they take care of? I am still in shock over it. She routinely attacks me, she routinely calls me lazy, but to create this weird scenario in her twisted mind that (because I am a big liar about having the flu) to back up my "lie" I would harm my mother by giving her a laxative! I am taking all your suggestions re my father and simply hung up in the tiny room, the one space I have, keeping the fan on to drown out his attacks on me. I understand he gets scared and lacks any empathy but I literally do everything in the house, I cannot do it today. He is creating a pile of trash and dirty dishes to punish me but I will deal with that tomorrow. But back to the question about being accused of giving her a laxative... Any advice on that one? I think she must be a so ii path. She has physically come at me before , she scares me because she does exact revenge on people. Recently, her five year old son informed me that "mommy told me she wants to punch you in the face." So what do I do? It's one thing to work like a dog here but another to be targeted and attacked unjustly.
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I wouldn't spend a moment of your time trying to understand your sister. She's toxic and abusive. The only effective option is to get away from your family, for good.
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First of all, yes, toxic sister can't be reasoned with because she is toxic and will do or say anything to make herself feel superior and relieve any possible intereference by any pangs of whatever conscience she may have left. Screw that. Her accusations and opinions are worthless and transparent to everybody but her.

Second, do not play into things with her by passing them along. Why even tell your father what she said? She deserved a text back stating "I am ill, I am not faking, and I would NEVER do anything like that to harm our mother. You have no right whatsoever to assume those things, and the very suggestion sickens me. We will not be communicating further without an apology from you." Make your best effort to shut off the drama machine, and if she stoops low enough to call APS or do something else to turn it back on, keep your cool and they will come and see it is evident you are giving the care that is needed and then some. They will then turn around and tell her the accusations are unfounded. Don't let her ruin your self-esteem when you are the one doing the RIGHT thing all along.
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Bummerb we have the same sister! Shes coming to stay tomorrow and im running to the toilet with worry of what she will say in her usual patronising way!
At xmas mum offered to make the stuffing for the turkey I said no its ok you relax ill do it. My sister threw her two cents in then by telling me if mum wants to make the stuffing then why dont you let her stop bullying her? I grabbed my sis in the kitchen in front of my brother and told her that if she wants mum to make stuffing with dirty hands maybe covered in POO basically not hygenic then go ahead thankgod my brother agreed and told her to shut up OR come home and look after her. Apart from the hygiene issues my mum cant cook anymore she burns things and dosnt know what shes doing sad but reality.
I know the utter FRUSTRATION when siblings that dont help try and tell us what to do it can drive you to madness!!
Have NOTHING to do with them if you live with your parents move out if you can help them from a distance if like me you live with them do your best by your dad ignore him not supporting you spend the last precious time with mum and screw your siblings i dont answer the phone here and my sister texts me to order me to answer the phone i tell her all sorts like im in the bath or im out mum cant hear the phone FCK my sister has just walked in the fckin door thought she was coming tomorrow. Fck and im here she said tomorrow im so angry as i couldve been out.
GOD HELP ME!
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My sister shows up unannounced also not to help but to criticize and/or literally sit and talk about herself. I am not interested in listening to her. We must have the same sister have you been accused yet of poisoning your mother? I can pity my sister for her narcissism and laziness but this latest thing I have to let God handle. She has no friends although she pretends to... A lot of people are afraid of her. She goes on Facebook to insult people also. The funniest post though was when she wrote how she had quit working full time to care for her mother. This was six months ago and she still has not helped. Though the way I see it, her absence is helping me. One day they will regret not being a part of her life. Then it will be too late...
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Bummerb, I'm sure you're right that one day your sisters will regret not being part of your mother's life, and that it will be too late, and it will serve them right.

But I don't see how that helps you.

What the hell is going on here? How does everyone seem to get the impression that your mother needs great care taken of her, your father doesn't support you emotionally, two sisters do sweet FA and the other makes bizarrely vicious accusations in order to hurt you - which is the one who does work, by the way? -, and the whole lot of them seem to think you're the house drudge? How has this come about? How long has it been going on? How much longer are you planning to take it for?

Because this has got to change. Where would you like to start?
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Bummerb when your sister shows up unannounced, if I were you, I'd immediately go to my room and leave her alone. Don't interact and don't engage with her. If she physically threatens you, get a restraining order against her. If she's a sociopath (I think that's what you were trying to say), there's no reasoning with her. Same thing if she's a narcissist.

And don't kid yourself, she won't feel bad when your folks are gone. It's all about her and it will always be about her. So just take yourself out of the drama and stay away from her and quit trying to figure out why she did what she did and how you can rationalize/justify/understand it. You can't.
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AA7, I don't have siblings and really, after reading so many posts around here about them, I'm more glad by the day that I don't... I'd hate to deal with some of the things that you guys do...

And Bummer, let your sister know about the word 'assault' and that you won't hesitate to nail her to the wall if she ever puts a hand on you. And mean it.
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Hi have calmed down after last night! Incredible here we are bitching about sisters and in she walks unannounced?? "oh did mum not tell you I was coming tonight? eh what part of dementia do you just not get? tell mum shes coming you see the total lack of respect for me afterall im just the hired unpaid help! Oh god help me to think I was sitting around last night when I could have been at at a mates and the whole time she flew in from paris and was having lunch with friends and I didn't even know she was in the country.
Anywhoo! maybe god is giving me a break??? I think mums dementia is starting to hit home to her I showed her mums meds and how she was so disorganised taking them ALSO the carer was there and said a few things to my sister about how stressful it is for me. My mums meds are blister packed mon - sun 3 tabs in morning 2 in evening yes a 3yr old could work it out. my sister (whos emotionally thick) asked the carer why mum was taking them in a disorganised way which is lethal the carer laughed and said " I think you need to educate yourself about dementia"!
I think mum is getting worse and FINALLY I think my sister is waking up to the shit ahead of us! for the first time ever she is saying she needs to be in a NH and her meds monitored? my sister for the first time got the end of mums foul mouth!!!!YIPEEEEEEE she asked mum to let me take over her meds as she was worried and mum let her have it "don't you dare start telling me what to do im not an idiot" oh yes screeched at her YIPEEEEEEE thankyou god my sister is starting to see what im putting up with.
I couldn't help myself last night though and again put one of mums smelly depends under my sis's bedcovers this morning she said she felt ill when she found it!! I said " I know its so sad god love her she just dosnt know what shes doing"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TEE HEE HEE (hell hath no fury than a worn out messed up CARER)
I had ONE cigarette last night my sister drove me to it!
Feeling a bit better today and less stressed as my sis starting to see how nutty mum is becoming sad isn't how this can make me happy?

My sister has mum for the WHOLE WKEND yipeeeeeee she should be on crack cocaine by Monday!!!!

Heres to CARERS REVENGE! hey wouldn't that make a great movie!
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OH Bummerd I have not been accused of poisoning mum YET? but the worst ever was when I heard mum telling my sister on the phone that she thinks im stealing money from her???? what my mum says is "lies" the fact that I thought my sister believed her hurt like hell and I quickly googled elders accusing people of stealing etc........... just to cover my arse!
isn't it terrible just how much shit an elder could get us into by lying lucky I told the doc and I make a point of telling him everything she does to make sure its recorded! What a life? Maybe we are all NUTS to be doing this job OR sure will be by the time were done!!!
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Sorry! I meant to say cover my ASS! we say arse (queens English)
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Sorry I got carried away there having a rant BUT I want anyone going through sibling stress (invisibles as I call them) to realise that the reason they behave they way they do and get on out case is ONE denial of parents illness TWO guilt that they havnt got it in them to care like we do SO the only way they can cope is to hit out at us and patronise us on how we are caring it somehow makes them feel like they care! that's my two cent.

I will have a clear mind when mum dies that I did all I could to help her god help my siblings they will have to live with the guilt.

Hugs to all/ bigger hugs to all with sibling issues!
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Anyone ever been accused of undue influence by a sibling?
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bummer I have been accused of having a vested interest in my mothers demise, never trying to contact her and doing nothing for her by my sister who has let her children know that she intends to get all the money mother leaves. This sis lives overseas and for years has simply used mother's apt for a free holiday - even the caretaker of the apt bldg. said that. She visited but would not lift a finger when we moved mother to an ALF, though she did take home with her mothers mother expensive piece of art, and left a couple of boxes of stuff for me to send to her.

You are not alone. I communicate less and less with her and that means very little indeed. The last set of accusations, in my view, deprived her of the right to get updates about mother. I crossed her off the list.
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At the risk of being redundant, I thank each and every one of you for taking time I know you have precious little of. Though I have not been a member long, I feel close to you all. It feels good to know we are all in this together.
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Kazaa your *revenge* against your sister (with the dirty diaper) is priceless! I'm still laughing over it. I hope your sister really gets it after this visit. Hugs to you and enjoy your weekend!!
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Emjo, I'm getting happier by the day that I don't have sibs when I read posts like yours. It's ridiculous. I don't know, maybe I have some outdated view of what 'family' is really supposed to be like. I thought family were the ones you could trust the most. I thought family were supposed to be people that bonded together when things got tough and gave each other a hand up when there was trouble... I guess not.

It's sad as hell to me. No care taking isn't easy. Yes, you may have to deal with some unpleasant things. Shouldn't everyone in a family man up and do what's right? I'm not saying give up life for any parent. But...helping? Of course, if you can and you're able. If you're able but do nothing for a family member than you're shit as far as I'm concerned and DNA be damned. I wouldn't have 'family' members I would call my own for long if they acted like some of what you guys describe around here. It's crazy. When did the world get so f'd up?
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SA, you know what makes me really sad about siblings? That it took me so long to realise that many families do have siblings who love one another and watch each other's backs and have nice things to say. For years I thought underlying hostility or, at best, 'critical friendship' (with the stress on critical) were normal. Now that I know some of my cousins better, and have watched the next generation coming up to adulthood, I realise that, actually, you are SUPPOSED to like each other, on top of that hard, painfully dutiful, blood-thicker-than-water type of love.

In my family, if you have a car accident your siblings will tell you why it was your fault. If you're worried, why you're being feeble/stupid/self-pitying/melodramatic. If something bad happens, you're told oh well what did you expect, get on with it. And what gets to me most is that, decades on, when I do sympathise aloud over something like illness or relationship difficulties or concerns about children, the response is astonishment that I would care. Like it's weird to care about your family. I give up.

I can't wait to be shot of them, to be honest, and then I won't have to care. How long, oh Lord, how long..?
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CM ... in my little corner of the world: as soon as you decide enough is enough. I really don't give a tinker's dam about the rules of family. I say, it's all about Love and if you're not feeling it, it's probably NOT there. So, why waste energy on the nonexistent?
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PStern, not directly, not yet, but it's a worry for my sister. A groundless worry, I must add, because I wouldn't dream of meddling; but when she went off on one about her anxiety that in spite of the financial POA kicking in mother could still, if it were properly managed, change her WILL oh horror of horrors - I realised why she was so agitated at the prospect of my being involved in any legal arrangements, and so vehement in her opposition. Nice.

My mother's will is kept in her filing cabinet. I haven't looked at it and I have no plans to. I worked out this evening that I am saving my mother about £2000 per month by caring for her full time in our home, which we share with my partner. And yet my sister's sincerely held belief is that I must be in it for the money, and I must have some Machiavellian scheme bubbling away to get my sticky paws on it. That's how her mind works. All I can do is not let it bother me, and quarantine myself from my mother's finances just for my own peace of mind.

The one thing I am determined to push through is a letter of wishes dealing with funeral arrangements: my brother and sister are joint executors, as well as joint financial POA. My father's ashes sat in a cardboard box on my brother's bedroom window sill for two and a half years before he could be prevailed on to make decent arrangements. I am not seeing that repeated: I am getting a funeral director round to help my mother draw up a costed plan and will insist that the money is put aside in advance so that she need never think about the subject again. There will be hell to pay for this interference. I don't care.
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we were close once until mum got sick and older and now the dementia but they havnt seen her at her worst like the abuse ive had to suffer. I am a selfish bitch? if I really cared about her I wouldn't go out? ive been so good to you letting you stay here? why don't you clean your room its a mess???? fck the cat what about me? that cat eats better than me? your relationship with that cat is not normal? youre never here? where have you been all day I bet you went for coffee? you did have coffee I know you did you cannot afford coffee? we don't need a cleaner coming in? those carers are a waste of time? theres never any food there? why should I wear my hearing aid? mum you smell bad would you like a nice bath? I do not smell you smell how many of your nappies did I clean?
Then theres the tv shes ugly fat too thin funny looking oh I don't like him or her shes crap he has a funny nose this film is crap,this one is boring,this one is too old that was crap I don't like food anymore its crap.
Mum would you like a cup of tea and watch "hoarding buried alive" yes please oh look at the mess hes just a lazy pig!

Beam me up scotty you cannot make this woman happy! you know sometimes I think maybe its nice to go nuts say what you like when you like,pee when and where you want,eat what you want,make a mess as someones there to clean it up! don't wash sure who going to see me. don't wear teeth whod notice? fling your dirty clothes anywhere in the house and someone will pick them up. pee all over the bathroom who cares someone will clean it up!

You know maybe this being nuts isn't so bad afterall I mean we could just whatever we wanted and get away with it?

Maybe theres no such thing as dementia maybe a gang of old people got together and have this sussed so we would have to look after them while they did whatever they wanted? maybe they call each other every night and say what crap did you get away with tonight isn't this cool pretending weve got dementia and everyone does everything we ask them to do?

Yep maybe we are the nuts they seem happy enough in their little world of dictatorship!!!!
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