Family has always been so important to mom. Since young adulthood I've hosted family events to bring us together and in doing so created lovely memories. I never let on that these parties were a way to "forced" my siblings to visit my parents b/c they were clearly not coming of their own accord for any holiday i.e. Mother's Day, Christmas etc. Long ago mom and I discussed her wishes for her elder years. Her health has been declining for the last 5 yrs and gotten much worse over the last 2. Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her. My siblings rarely visit and live 3 hrs away. I handle every aspect of her finances and care. When we had a family meeting about her health last year I respectfully asked for them to visit b/c she misses them. Nothing changed. During all of this I have not been able to devote time to my husband, children, home and have missed time from work. When I felt I was going to break I called and directly asked them to coordinate their time to come every 3 months to give me one weekend off - reasonable? No! Now they won't speak to me, have blocked me on social media and blame me for changing everything b/c of "the phone call". I understand their own guilt drives their behavior and that blame is a way of easing thier feelings, even so this is so undeserved. I will never feel the same about them. I have shown them so much love and have even made excuses for their lack of involvement. But now I am full of hurt. That me, the one who has done so much and is now doing everything for mom is so meligned...it is heartbreaking.
Our mom needed to be in a nursing home, but that wasn't possible as long as she hovered over Mother. Now, my sister is gone and Mother is the life of the party at the local nursing home. Who knew? We certainly didn't.
I would definitely not do anymore forced parties. They don't deserve it.
How old is your mom? How exactly has her health gotten worse over the past two years?
Does your mother have any resources to pay for some caregivers to come to the house and tend to her so that you can get a break?
What does your husband think and feel about all of this? Have the two of you talked in depth about your mother's need for care, your taking this on all yourself, and how this is impacting and has already impacted your marriage over the past 5 years as well as how things need to be dealt with now into the future and how this is impacting and has already impacted your children as well as how things need to be dealt with now and into the future.
Sorry to be so in your face when you have your siblings demonizing you in your face and your mother's care in your face, but your first priority really is your husband whose not really had a wife it sounds like for 5 years and even less for the last 2 and your children who it sounds like really haven't had a mom for 5 years and even less for the last 2.
I say this as a husband who has been in this boat but not with the same exact same components, but the feeling of being a single parent although married is real and children missing their mom although in the house is real. It was a very good day when my wife set some needed boundaries with her mother and became a fully present wife and mother again.
Frankly, I hope I'm wrong with this description, but if I'm not you're walking on thin ice and it's past time to make some changes.
I wish you the best as you find your way through this mess which I'm sure you will. Come back and let us know how things are going.
Contact your local agency on aging or Mom's doctor about services she might be eligible for that can give you a little relief. You do have to take care of yourself first and then your own family. It may be time to look at other living arrangements for Mom. It is a rough journey, I wish you well!