Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
By the way, in the past, have fallen for the sad story from relatives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only time to visit because they get extra days off work. That works against you doubly because they can stay EVEN LONGER. I've finally learned to "just say no."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks you guys, They live in San Diego about 1.5 hours away and when they do come up they stay in their motor home. So they will be here for 4 or 5 days and see mom maybe 2 hours on 2 days and that is all. It just so happens mom had to go to the ER on Monday, she was severely dehydrated. So only 1 of us was allowed in the room at a time, so my sis and me took turns and it worked out ok, Thank God. I asked her when she comes up why does she only come two days out of for 4-5, for only 2 hours, she says there is nothing to talk about and thats long enough. I told her she is the one that is going to have to live with herself when mom passes and she was hardly around, she screamed I am fine with this and I don't feel guilty. Then the next thing I know she is telling me she is feeling guilty and that is why she is coming up to take mom to the doctor. (I have an SUV and mom cannot get into it, otherwise maybe she would not help, who knows, but I am grateful for her doing that.And she promised she would come up and stay with mom on the 10.11.12 of November so I could go to San Diego to see my best friends. We can only hope she sticks to that. Sigh.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Good luck, fligirl58. I hope your sister comes through in November for you to be able to get away. My sister lives 1 1/2 MINUTES away from our Mom and does not call or visit. There's no "history" of fights, anger, etc. She just doesn't call or visit. She's certainly capable of calling or visiting but chooses not to. It's sad. I know it hurts our Mom's feelings. I've talked to my sister about it and she just becomes defensive, so I've had to "let it go". I feel bad for my Mom so I do what I can for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Notice that none of this is about eldercare. It's about family strife. Bottom line: grow up, decide how YOU want to behave and pursue it courageously.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Last year at Christmas time my mom was in the hospital and none of us were even sure she would make it. My one sister always has Christmas at her place. Its usually a big production where she is dressed to the nines, the table setting is like something out of Martha Stewart's catalogue and blah, blah, blah.

Last year when she reminded me at my mom's bedside about it I said I would be skipping it and that under the circumstances I wasn't in the mood.I was amazed how quickly everyone else in the family jumped on board with me and also skipped it.

No offense to my sister but just the fact that she wanted to carry on as if our mom wasn't even sick just galled me and since I never enjoyed going to her place to begin with it worked out just fine for me. Wonder what will happen this year?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Now that mom is in a skilled nursing facility, we do our second Thanksgiving and Christmas celebration at her facility. We rent the big common room for the day and bring in loads of food, sort of pot luck and sneak lots of treats to the staff.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Some great advice here! Basically go with what will make you happy.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I hope your sister does come and stay so that you can go away. However, if it's really important to you, find alternatives so that, if she skips-out at the last minute that you can still go.

In my case, I don't plan that my sibling will ever come through on any promises and I just plan accordingly. My sibling sounds much like your sister, saying one thing one day, something different another day, and being unreliable. Rather than being angry and disappointed about it, I just don't rely on my sibling when something is important to me. Once, I told my sibling how important something was to me and the response I got was, "But it's not important to ME." After that, I make sure I get what I need from other sources.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

For what it's worth, a BFF of mine solved the toxic holiday dilemma. This takes a really big pair, but she was just totally over it and we all had gone through hurricane Katrina. Everybody was outta nice & lots of folks were still displaced with no hot meals. Both Her SIL are certifiable too. She told everybody that they needed to be at the house by 10 with drinks starting at 9. Did an especially nice presentation of bloody Mary's (gin & vodka!) non-alc fizzy drink. Then about 10 everybody had to get into the van she rented or their cars her kids drove & went to serve the food pantry's thanksgiving meal for the homeless & share the meal with them. (She had been doing food prep there earlier that week) Everybody did something. Kids did cookies & fruit bags that everybody got as a take-home. One SIL got hit on too. It was pretty priceless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Let me get this straight---does your mother live with you? Or does she live by herself?

It's not "up to the boys". It's up to you. If you don't want to be around your sister, then don't. Go to your son's house & have the holiday there. Let your sister & BIL hang out with your mother, cook the dinner & clean up afterwards. Let your sister buy the turkey, as well as everything else that goes with it---or let her take your mother out to a restaurant to eat. You CAN have a peaceful holiday---it's YOUR CHOICE whether you're going to let yourself have that or not.

Don't let your sister's nasty comments bother you. When she says stuff like she's going to cut your children out of her will, don't even give her the satisfaction of a reply. Ignore it. You don't need the stress & aggravation.

Cutting toxic relationships out of your life is necessary if you want to maintain your sanity.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'll add to what the last person said - if you follow that advice, take it a step further and let your mother buy one of those grocery store turkey meals with sides and desserts. I don't see the point of you slaving in the kitchen - you're not the cook and you're not the maid - no reason you should have to cook and clean up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mom does not cook, or go anywhere. She does not want to go to restaurants any longer. I do all the cooking which is fine. I said previously that this was taken care of when I told sis there is no drinking alcohol here and she said oh well then we will go where we had planned. Simple, the boys did not make the decision and its over. A peaceful Thanksgiving we shall have. Thanks for all the nice advice.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

But we all know that it's not over til the fat bird is carved. :-/
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

The phrase "coming home" is so interesting.
Usually used by adult kids who have their own "home" to refer to their parents' home.
Why do we do this, and why do some kids never "come home" even when their parents would dearly love it?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My sister called and as usual told me when she and husband are coming here, mainly because her girlfriend will be here at that time and her friend always treats her to fancy restaurants, etc. My husband went into a nursing home and I really don't feel like having company especially when they watch tv all times of the day and night.
I told her that I might be having someone coming in at that time and she said "don't you have a sofa I can use!". What about her husband... She has always bossed everyone around and I am the passive one although I am older than her.
What do you say to someone like that?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You say , I really can't host you at this time. Practise it in front of the mirror.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You do not have to give an reason, even if pressed...Say, "it does not work for us to have you visit overnight this year."....If pressed, say, "I am not willing to discuss it further." What's your sanity worth to you?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You tell her, "I am having a really hard time right now, and I have someone coming that will be here for me. I don't have anything extra to give. Sorry Sis. You're on your own this year."
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter