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If Mom really wants to see sis, and she can't remember the drama started before, just have 2 Thanksgivings, like Old Bob suggested. I would also recommend having no alcohol at the house, but don't make a big deal of it, just don't serve it. If she brings a bottle of wine, tell her, "Thank you, but we prefer our holiday to remain alcohol free. You can take it home it with you and celebrate later if you prefer".
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The old "Do as I want or you get no money" way of controlling people... I have dealt with that, myself. The solution is to not let money rule you! I went out and got a good-paying job so that I didn't have to be a slave to someone else's money. Once money is no longer an issue, you have control....NOT THEM!
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Fligirl, you will really benefit from going to alanin, but here's another suggestion, especially if you think that this may be mom's last thanksgiving invite a stranger. Find soneone, a neighbor, church related friend, exchange student from a local college. Find someone NOT related to you and invite them to Thanksgiving dinner. Having an outsider on hand puts most crazy relatives on their best behavior, alternatively, have sis come and cook dinner at your house whilst you go off to volunteer at the local food pantry/soup kitchen/homeless shelter. You'll feel terrific, I promise you.
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Yes I believe she is and every time she started this crap with me and my mom and my sons she was completely drunk. My sons refuse to talk to her when she is drunk and really don't want to speak to her now. I am so depressed over this situation.If I tell her not to come she will start calling mom and telling her that I don't want her there and my mom will start to get all upset all over again. She upset my mom so much several months ago my mom was crying and said she wished she would die. She finally started to cool it down. But at any time she can start the madness again. God Help Me.
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Omg, she's an alcoholic? That explains quite a bit. Please go to a couple of AL - anon meetings so that you can see why things are the way they are.
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OldBob would you please come over and tell them what you said? lol Seriously they have been up here since Wednesday and I could not figure out why I have been so tired and depressed. The light bulb just went on. I know if I say no she will start trouble with my mom and tell her I said she could not come which could start another war. Also if I do let them come, I am going to tell them that this is an alcohol free zone. When she gets drunk she gets worse. None of us drink at all. I wondered why she wanted to call a truce. Of course to come. I am now so anxious and stressing over this. Thanks for the advice, I guess I just am going to have to figure this on my own. Hugs to all.
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So tell me again your sister has always treated you badly, you don't really want her coming to your house, your sons don't like her either and you are inviting an ex-spouse to dine with you? Have you lost your mind? Stop trying to be the nice guy(gal) here. You have tried, it has failed over and over and over. Let this toxic relationship go. It will only bring you sorrow. I am speaking from experience with three sisters who have treated me so badly and I tried and tried to bring us together, but in the end nothing has worked. You cannot force someone who does not respect and love you to do so. Enjoy your holidays with people who truly love you. Just send your sister good thoughts, but do not have her in your life. Enough said.
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Chances are any money she has will go to her husband anyway. Do what you want, and don't worry about the will. She'll use that as a battering ram over you for the rest of your life.
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You can take 'oldbob's advice, which is good, or consider this alternative that we did in a similar situation: Our family was dreading the upcoming Thanksgiving then we decided to let them know that we were going to the desert and camp over Thanksgiving. (we liked camping and they didn't) It worked so well that we went many more Thanksgivings after that. The point is--find something you love to do and do it. If they say they would like to join you, say anything you want, as long as it means "NO"
We were glad we did what we did. It set us free thereafter.
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Thank you all for your great advice just to clarify mom has forgotten all the trouble sis has caused so of course if I asked mom she would say yes. Also this is not about money to any of us it's always about money to her I am not in her will nor do I wish to be my point was that when she get s mad at my kids for going against her then she says she is taking them out of her will my younger son called yesterday to see if they were coming over and I said no so he said he would be right over and stayed for the whole day oh well I will let you know what happens. Thanks
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Send sis an email, letter, whatever:

Sis, My family is going to celebrate Thanksgiving according to our original plan, which was made before you expressed an interest in coming. I know this will disappoint you since you were hoping to join us, but that is not going to work out. There are many restaurants where you can celebrate so I know you won't go hungry. - me

Don't do anything out of FEAR OBLIGATION or GUILT: FOG. Don't give reasons, don't give excuses, just say NO. Go about your life.

I would be insulted that she brought up her will. That would be enough to have her banned from my house.
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It is OK to say: This is not a good time. It is ok not to answer the phone when she calls if it is not a good time for you. ALWAYS remember it is OK...
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You do things with your family (sons/mom/ex) and if sister wants to come, let her take mom out to a restaurant on her own (maybe even on Thanksgiving). Separate your immediate family from your sister/hubby and mother. Let them (mom and sis/hubby) have their own Thanksgiving.
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I like Bob's initial statement too, but i also liked the idea from ba8alou.
Can't tell if your sister is having a change of heart and wants to make up for her bad years by being nice?? but i know so many that do Christmas and/or Easter twice...
I think ba8alou has a good idea. You should be with your sons....as to the Will.
I look at if i ever get anything it's a "blessing", and i don't expect anything from my dad. If he uses it all up, that's why he saved his monies. (my dad is age 97) , my siblings are wonderful (not perfect, but wonderful), ...but totally take inheritance out...expect nothing, and you can see more clearly what to do.....
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I like Old Bob's answer a lot. If you want a perhaps gentler alternative (your sister is a bully, probably always has been, but maybe you want to play nice) then you might want to start a tradition, as my family did, of "second thanksgiving". Most Jewish holidays have two days, which makes it easier to please the in-laws, out - laws and silblings. Perhaps have your own family gathering on the actual date and cook your sister's turkey on the Saturday or Sunday after, have a nice afternoon with mom.
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"Dear sister......Sorry to say but your proposed visit does not work out for us. Thank you for thinking of us. Love, Me."
You do not have to give a reason....If she calls and demands one, you could say, "Let me get this straight...you want a reason for us to not have you come on the holiday, right?" She answers, "Absolutely." You answer, "I understand what you want." Then change the subject and refuse to revisit it..

The feeling of self empowerment is worth it to me.
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My stomach started to hurt as I read this in sympathy for you. The holidays used to be my favorite time of year and now I dread them. What does your Mom want and how does their behavior affect her? My sibs are all like that, except for the money part. I don't have kids so I'm lucky that I don't have to take their well being into consideration, but there is no amount of money that can fix the damage she is causing and I can't imagine that witnessing her behavior isn't affecting your Mom. If it were me, I would tell her Cracker Barrel is open on Thanksgiving! It sounds like this situation is a powder keg ready to blow, the date has been set for this Thanksgiving and all you need to know is the exact time it will blow. Maybe Thanksgiving should be for your family alone and then meet them for a meal on the weekend in a public place. That could keep her from causing too much trouble in public and then when things get difficult you can get up and leave. I'll keep you and all of the families in our situation in my thoughts and pray that this year we can all get thru with a minimum of anguish.
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It's all about the Wills and who is in and who is out? Unless BOTH of you can put money issues in the toilet and flush them, stay away from each other. Never discuss business or answer the phone at dinner or read the mail or the paper and the TV is off. All those things are bad for digestion, 365 days a year. If there was an argument, Nana would take your plate away. Done.
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