Last year I saw the decline my father was in and how difficult he had become for my sister and her husband to manage. I had been estranged from all of them for 20 years because my father was a mean alcoholic and my sister enabled him. They both like to blame other people when their choices in life cause them problems.
In that 20 years my sister spent a lot of her own money on gifts and food for our father. Dad was not rich, but neither was he destitute. His attitude was his children owed him. So he put my sisters name and his on his house deed in return for her taking care of him. She looked forward to having his house as retirement income for herself someday.
Sister started asking me for advice last year. Dad kept loaded handguns in his house, he had a hearing and vision loss, and is walker dependent. Yet, Sister still let him drive his car. Neither she or her hubby would confront Dad about the loaded guns. He kept one in his walker saddlebag, one under his bed pillow, and one in his lift chair pocket. The neighborhood was pretty quiet and safe. After one scare with “trespassers” who knocked on his front door, I suggested Dad go into Assisted Living, and I would pay for it, since Dad does not have that kind of money. Dad agreed, and we breathed a sigh of relief.
I picked a Continuing Care Community with a great reputation. The plan Sister and I agreed on was Dad would get into this community on my dime, then if he needed to transition to Skilled Care, his house would get sold, his assets would be spent down, and Medicaid would pay for him to stay in a really good place.
My husband and I took Sister and her hubby to a Medicaid lawyer so we all understood the rules in our state. Sister was shocked to learn that, even though the house was in her and Dad’s names, Medicaid would consider it Dad’s asset, since Sister never contributed money to buying the house.
Without telling me, she changed her mind about our original plan to sell the house. She and her husband came up with crazy theories about someone Dad knew who might kidnap him and get him to change his will. They did not want the Medicaid lawyer to have a copy of his will. So I started thinking there was something not quite right. Mostly with what seemed to be irrational and far-fetched fears about kidnapping.
Anyway, I was going through an old folder of family documents and found the will. Dad’s lawyer had sent it to me a while ago, when he changed it. He had stipulated that my daughter would get $15,000. Unfortunately, my father set both his assets up (house and checking/savings) with my Sister as co-owner. So she inherits and the will is insignificant, especially since nothing has to go through probate.
The subterfuge over the will is just one small thing. Sister and her husband recently spirited Dad out of Assisted Living and lied to the staff about where they were going. They took his clothes, medicine, shower chair, and a nightstand and lamp for a “visit” to their house. Not only did they inform staff, but they waited until it was a done deal to tell me.
I think they thought I would argue over this decision, but in truth, I just don’t care what they do. They have POA, and I am only an alternate. Dad is 92 and has vascular dementia. He recently fell, hit his head, and ended up in the hospital for 3 days because he tested positive for Covid. He got out of the hospital and rehab, and Sister blamed the CCC kitchen for his swollen ankle from a gout attack. Three days later, she removed him from the facility to her house.
Sorry this is so long, thank you for letting me vent. Its a really bad feeling to realize you did something helpful for someone and they rewarded you with lying, manipulating, and blaming.
My expectation is that Sister is trying out having Dad live in her home. Meanwhile, I pay $185 per day for his place and services in the Continuing Care Community. I told her husband today that I’m not going to use the CCC as an expensive storage facility.
But at least you're not totally in the dark.
STOP IMMEDIATELY paying for his care. And don't go back to doing so.
If Sis and her DH want the 'burden' of care for your dad all by themselves, the let them have it.
Just--walk away, You have no voice and no way to deal with this.
At least you found it all out. I'm sorry, Family can be so weird.
If this were my sister, I'd be glad she "kidnapped" dad out of the CCC and took him into her home, thereby saving me $185 a day in fees. I'd also now withdraw that offer entirely, cancel dad's lease, and tell twisted sissy Best of Luck Caring For Dad From Now On 😁. Do let her know your offer for CCC has now expired and his lease is canceled, too.
I'll tell you this: ain't NO house on earth worth the chaos and turmoil a dementia patient will bring to a couples life. If she wants to get dad into managed care after figuring out that living together is impossible, let her sell his house to finance the cost.
I'll also say this: to allow a demented elder ANY loaded guns in the house is sheer insanity. Because his brain is damaged now and it's not unthinkable for him to consider your sister and/or her husband an intruder and shoot them one day. #Truth.
Good luck to you.
Who is the Executor of the Will? That is the person who should have an original copy.
FYI I don't think Medicaid gets to see a copy of anyone's Will...?
Money changes people. This is a hard truth to find out the hard way. May you gain peace in your heart as you look at it all in the distrance from your rear-view mirror.
You say you were estranged from your father, and your sister was both his POA and cared for him.
I feel that we as adults must take responsibility for our own choices and actions (I listen to too much Dr. Laura).
Doesn't mean that we can't vent about them, and that you have done. Anything you vent on AC can serve as a warning to others.
I am certain you were likely smart enough not to pay this kind of money for your father's own care, knowing that aging is coming round the corner at us all, unless you could afford it.
Now hopefully you can let it go and stay out of the lives of these folks, getting on with a great life of your own.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Withdraw now!
Cancel all payments.
If you wish to stay infomative, do so. Without anger even.. just state the facts Ma'am.
You offered to help fund the CCC.
Sis & Dad have decided to decline.
Ok.
It is as the Social Worker told me:
1. Advise them
2. They decide
3. The consequences are theirs
Maybe Dad will live out the rest of his days in happiness in his house.. Sis may feel proud she could enable that. Their House-for-Care deal may work well for both sides.
(Ahem.. or.. the mix of dementia & loaded guns.. it all could all go VERY horribly wrong).
Consider alerting APS, Police or other to do welfare checks if they begin to endanger themselves further.
Figuratelively, find others to throw them a rope, but keep out of the water yourself - for your own safety.
Yes, I am named as an equal share in my father’s will. Mom died in 1999, and Sister and I got her personal items.
The Medicaid lawyer I mentioned was not a lawyer who worked for Medicaid, but rather an attorney who specializes in Ohio law and Medicaid rules. Sorry for that confusion. I set up consult because my sister had accepted $8,000 from my father two years ago, and Dad wanted to sign over his car to her. I knew there is a Medicaid Look Back rule, and gifts from Dad to Sister would cause Medicaid to deny him.
Sister was all for having the consult, until I said the words “the will”. She said she did not think we needed a consult yet. Then she called the lawyer’s office, and they said it was not necessary to bring the will. I thought there must be something in it that Sister did not want me to see. Sister is the Executor.
Its been a stressful year of learning. The crazy kidnap idea, the feeling that Sister has a private agenda I had to guess at, and silly lies. I was using access to Dad’s debit card to buy hearing aid batteries, socks, personal items, etc. for him with my sister’s encouragement, as she controls Dad’s checking account. This summer, Sister found damage to a window screen at Dad’s house, and she decided that I had tried to break in to show someone his house. I live 45 minutes away from his house, and have no interest in it. After I lost my temper at her over this crazy accusation, she cut me off from Dad’s debit card. Her husband emailed me to say a waitress had stolen the card number, and they would now only use checks to buy things for Dad. As he needed things, I had to keep telling him that Sister would have to get it. I know Sister and DH are using a new debit card for Dad because they left the receipts in his apartment.
A therapist once told me that with people like my sister, you have to set the boundaries high and keep them there. In this 20 years, Sister had cognitive behavior therapy that seemed to help her. But actual experience with her back in my life the past two years tells me she never got better. If anything, she is worse. Its best to let her have what she wants, and get out of the way so I can enjoy what is left of my own life.
I have learned not to express any interest in Dad’s family photo albums, as Sister likes to hold “hostage” things because it gives her power over the other person’s emotions. I took pictures on my phone of some of Mom’s portraits hanging in Dad’s apartment. Thats all I wanted.
But last week, I was able to casually mention to Sister that I found that I had a copy of Dad’s will all these years, stuck away in an old folder. Her silence on the other end of the phone was quite enjoyable to me.
My husband thinks we should do the right thing for my father, despite what he wants, which is to move back into his house. But if my Sister and DH want him back, I will be dancing in the streets.
I look forward to the day when my Sister is once again no longer a part of my life.
I'm sure your sister looks forward to resuming her peace once again as well.
So many caring people here, and all of us have triggers. Even you. We all need to respect that. However, compassion comes in many forms Granny. Sometimes in not being able to let go of past perspectives that have caused us pain, we carry it and it manifests inside of us. It affects our health and minds...We lose sleep, and our bodies suffer from stress. Stress can cause an addiction to drama and chaos due to what we've become accustomed to.
I agree with what your therapist said in holding true to high boundaries. My own therapist had it documented that my controlling sibling tried to approach her by phone years ago, to dismantle my therapy. Why, she even contacted ex in-laws to discredit me in my past two marriages. Just wow. So, I completely understand your plight. I am currently involved in the same type of plight. It's hurtful when you try to speak to someone you wanted to have in your life, but realize that they don't want the same things. They only want to hurt you, bash you, interfere with friendships and family dynamics. I feel for you.
You have to let go of each other. Don't let this keep you awake at night. Don't let it destroy your peace. If you're a mother, I'm sure you're a great mother, whose children feel so close to you and want to be near you all of the time. Find peace in that if you have a family that you can count on. My sibling keeps her family in a box and only tells them what she wants them to know, keeping everyone guessing.
It's been stressful for my husband and myself as we've been railroaded into our situation. For hubby and I, we take full responsibility for our father. We've brought in professionals. We planned for a trial period, but when my sister caused issue with the nurses in smearing and panicking, we knew we had to just release her from her contract. Unfortunately, my sister is only in love with her money. However, we do realize and appreciate my own sister's "help" as the pathway to our home for our father, was graciously aided from her. For that, she's a shadow hero of mine.
But it sounds like you have a good husband. Unfortunate for your sibling because I don't know about her, but I sure miss my BIL and niece. But I accepted our separation a long time ago and that life is life. And I can love them all from a distance. Despite what my sister would ever think of me, or how she can make up lies about me in her spare time, I love her.
I always will.