What can be done when my sister's so self-absorbed at fulfilling her own desires with the extra money she receives from taking care of Mom?

I'd start by calling DSS and telling them what you've just told us. And be ready to make alternate living arrangements for your mom. She's not receiving good care. If what your mom said about your sister cutting back on food to save money for some trip is true, your sister doesn't have a shred of honor and I really wouldn't want my mom around such a person. Think about getting her away from your sister today...

When I first read the topic title, I read 'My mother lives with my sister, a mental case'...then I noticed the word 'worker' on there... I think the former would of been more correct.

I guess I would want to know realistically what are your mother's options other than being with your sister? Of everything you have said, the most alarming is that she won't let you see your mother now. Otherwise, if your mom is mentally all there, she is making a choice. We saw a similar situation with my MIL who recently passed away at 93. We live out of state; BIL lives in same small town she did. Repeatedly we heard about his bullying behavior, etc. but she would in the end make excuses for him and back out after she 'put us up' to confronting him. She wanted things to magically change even though it would have required some legal action to get her away from there and close to us, which we repeatedly offered to do. Both brothers had joint POA (bad idea) but she would end up saying "I'm just too tired to think about it" or "I just want you boys (both in their 60's when she died) to get along". Sorry, but la la land! We saw her living in a place neither my husband nor I would keep our dogs for a weekend but hard as it was to see, it WAS her choice. BIL managed all the money and he once told us that 'he had not saved for his retirement' so we could only surmise his penny pinching in her care and environment had a lot to do with his pay out at the end. What seems like clear abuse to us is really not. We are just not going to sign up for the same deal when we get old.

I agree with the comments made by StandingAlone regarding alternative accommodation. The fact that your sister is a mental case worker is immaterial in this instance. Your mum's memory is intact and doesn't require 'specialist' services that your sister might claim to offer. Furthermore, as you are taking your mum to the doctor's it's also clear that your sister is retaining her paid employment, and that you are supporting her with care duties. So, your sister can't pass off her use of your mum's money as some kind of recompense for her having to give up her job. Is there any possibility your mum could come to live with you or even in a nursing home close to where you live so that you could visit her on a frequent basis. She might be more prepared to consider alternative accommodation if you could guarantee close contact with yourself. What is clear is that if your mum herself is aware that your sister is cutting down on food, she will come to feel unwanted other than for her monetary contribution, and that won't be good for her well-being. If your sister is stone-walling you, you have no option but to inform outside authorities, and they may ask your sister to account for your mum's money. What your sister is guilty of is a form of abuse. I wish you luck with preventing your money-grabbing sister from starving your poor mum.

I'd address it to sister that when she goes on this trip, mom can stay with you to help her (sister) out. But mom won't return, (don't tell her that part). You sound like a much more caring person. What is she doing with all that money? $5000 a month I can only dream. Between my mom and myself it is only $3000, That is with 2 house payments a car payment and usually utilities. 2 house payments because I'm not letting my house go, so that I have that security for my retirement. I can't depend on moms house because we may have to sell it to use for assisted living or nursing home when she would get better care there then I can offer. While sister is away get the POA so you have more power to stop her. That way if you are not able to take care of your mom you will have more power as to where she is at. Your mom I'm sure will be happier with you for the visit, so while your sister is away, so take the opportunity to get her to agree with your decisions to either stay with you or go to assisted living. If that does not work I agree with going to authorities. But I think you would end up having severe problems that would last forever with your sister. If you are willing to lose your sister forever, go that route but if not try working around that.

I've got the same problem with a younger sister - living on Daddy's money. I agree with Standing Alone. Your first call is to Department of Social Services or whatever office is paying y$2000 a month to care for your mother. If possible, have them make a home visit. And have them check her weight.

Medicare will pay for a home nursing check-in once or twice a week and I would get this started so that your sister will know that now there are TWO agencies looking at the quality or her care of your mother.

Also, how is your sister getting access to your mother's money? I'm assuming it's some kind of Social Security and maybe a private pension? If so, Social Security checks MUST be directly deposited in a bank. Private pensions - depends on the pension. If your sister is getting access to bank funds she is either a co-owner of the account (has her name on the checks) or (God forbid) your mother's financial Power of Attorney (POA) - a legal procedure that requires your mother's signature, a notary's signature and stamp, and at a minimum, a copy has to be deposited at the bank so your sister can sign your mother's checks.

You need either DSS or the agency that is paying your sister to help you get her name OFF your mom's bank account. If both sources of money are going into a single bank account, one solution is easy: open a separate account for your mom's money with ONLY her name on it. Then keep all the blank checks so your sister doesn't write a check and then lie to your mother about what it's for and deceive her into signing it.

If your sister is actually your mother's financial POA, get a lawyer (big firms do this pro bono (free) and smaller firms don't charge as much as the bigger ones would. On the POA paperwork (which you should have received a copy or else a copy will be on file at the office of the laywer your sister used to prepare the papers) there will be a list of "powers" which are designated to the person acting as POA. One of them will be "All of the above". No matter how perfectly your sister may be performing her duties as a POA, there is bound to be one or two items in the list that she is not doing. Use that as a reason for removing her as POA.

And the worst case of all is if your sister has gone to court and been appointer as her Guardian of Person - which means she gets to make ALL decisions for your mother, including where she lives, who she uses as a doctor, all the way down to (almost) the smell of her soap. To get this changed will reauire you to petition the court who granted your sister Guardianship of Person and have him/her help you petition for a change - it's usually a good idea in interfamily disagreements to have a third party act as Guardian. Social Service agencies (like Lutheran Social Services, etc) do this as part of their regular work. Someone in the county Dept of Aging may have supported your sister's petition and if they did, expect some trouble from them. Occasionally these contests go to a trial!! And often, the petition for Guardian of Person also petitions for a Conservator of the Estate - a sort of super-POA who is responsible for preserving your mother's estate (which includes her monthly income). If it's primariily the money that concerns you (and at first, in my case it was), then at least petition for a Conservator. In our state (MN) these are all included in a single petition.

The thing to know about both the Guardian of Person and the Conservator of the Estate is these people CANNOT VIOLATE YOUR MOTHER'S CIVIL RIGHTS. This is very important, since of of the civil rights that they cannot interfere with without proving to the court that it is absolutely necessary (and that doesn't happen too often) is the right to see and/or be visited by ANYONE THEY WANT.

Oh, Lost in Hamilton, I SO wish I hadn't had to learn all this. My father (87 yrs old) is in a Veterans' Nursing Home and the offending sister IS a mental case (Borderline Personality and Narcissism). And I have just moved from MN to MD after an early retirement to help take care of my youngest sister who is within not many weeks of dying of cancer of the brain.

I'm sorry about the length of this post. I've tried to summarize everything I have had to go through (and sissy is still living in dad's house for only $200/month - which a watchful lawyer insisted on. It's actually an "escrow" account so that when property taxes are due, my dad will have the money to pay for it.It is a heartbreaking process, Lost. In my case I had to make a choice between my father and my sister - leaving my father at the mercy to Miss Mental. At least I made enough fuss with enough people so that her every move is being scrutinized AND she is only the Guardian NOT the Conservator. It still hurts.

I'm going to give you one of my personal e-mail addresses (I very rarely do this) because I want you to have a way to keep me posted. jbgrettathegreat@gmail.com
I'll pray for strength for you as you take the high road and at the same time fight for your mother's rights. Just because someone is old doesn't mean they have to be mistreated. "The love of money is the root of all evil."

My sister did the same thing. After dad died we found out she was taking $875.00 a month for him to stay there and $100.00 for food and paid their fuel bill with his money and bought a storage shed. Dad could do everything for himself excepy cook and getting into the shower. My sister will answer to a higher court!

Can't help but wonder if anyone has considered the possibility that if your mother's living conditions became public it could be hazardous to your sister's employment?

Your sister took your father in and you have a problem with her being paid $250.00 a week? Think about it and figure out what room and board costs. He also had no worries about being elderly and managing medical appointments,grocery shopping house costs and upkeep. Unfortunately it seems sometimes adult children who are not able to help with care become angry and unsupportive
of the one who is.. This focus on inheritance instead of the parent's well being is becoming more commonplace.

Wow! I was amazed that someone actually gets $2000 a month to caregive for a parent. Some states will actually pay caregivers, thereby enabling them to at least earn some sort of living. In PA, no such arrangement. Mom pays me $200/month. I can't help support my family with that, so I have to go back to school so I can get a job, even though caring for her makes prevents me from earning a living. I can relate to having a borderline and narcisstic sibling; my brother is an f--d up mess. I think if caring for an elderly parent makes it difficult to support your own family, you should be able to borrow a bit, as you are performing a service that kept them off Medicaid for many years. In doing this, we have had to put own families' needs on hold. Caring for a parent does cost more in terms of gasoline, wear and tear on your vehicle and your own mental health. There HAS to be a better way than one sibling sticking another because he lived off mom years ago and was never held responsible. This does make the caregiver angry and rightly so.

While your sister is allowed some benefit for having to take care of your mother, it is limited to a maximum (determined by each state) usually $12-$13K annually and about 10% of what it costs her to provide the care. It is easy to judge when looking from the outside, in. If your mother appears healthy and happy, you probably have to just monitor any unjust spending and lack of care. Your only other option is to do it yourself or hire a guardian appointed by the state. This will require going through the courts. It is not easy providing elder care. And it takes time and money to do so. I know I allow myself a little gas money and some income to cover the incidentals I pay for myself to care for my mother. I give her an allowance so she can play Bingo and go on outings provided by the care facility. If your mother is fed, loved and cared for, please remember older people will have a tendency to evoke emotional banter to keep the attention on themselves as they feel a little powerless having to rely on others for care. I know my mother will tell my sister things that simply are not true and she does the same to me. Saying my sister was mean to her, etc. Remember, they are not as sharp as they used to be and it makes them fearful, so they project the worst. If you do feel that your sister is neglectful, it requires due process in the court system to change the Power of Attorney and other documents that may exist. Otherwise, giving rise to any neglect may result in a third party/Guardian being appointed. Talk to your sister and mother in the same room. Determine the facts before casting any harsh judgement. Be prepared to take over should your sister decide to give up her duties to care for your mom. It's not an easy job!

I know these things are so difficult..we went through some similar things. Keep in mind.. that parents often reverse roles and sometimes create riffs between their children...we don't know why. Talk to your sister - invite her out to lunch. Tell her you want to know HER side of the situation.. do not become confrontational.. you are looking for information.. this is not the time to judge or become argumentative. The answer to everything your sister says it's that's interesting. NOTHING MORE. You want to keep your sister talking about what's going on and what your mom is telling you. Mom says that you..... feed her fast food all the time. Mom says that your cutting back on her food to take a trip. Somewhere in the middle of both answers are the truth once your done, if you truly suspect abuse (lack of proper food and care is considered elder abuse) I would start here: http://www.aoa.gov/AoA_programs/Elder_Rights/EA_Prevention/WhatToDo.aspx Be aware that your sister may be feeding your mom fast food, (which is expensive) because your mom won't eat your sister's cooking, but your mom is not telling you that. Your sister may have casually/jokingly said.. man I want to go to Utah, but feeding you costs a lot, we're going to have to cut back.. but didn't mean it. Dig and dig some more before you past judgement on a situation where you are (by your own admission) not there. Taking care of someone else, is not easy and it's not cheap. It's not just the food.. there's a lot of cost.. including emotional involved in having someone else live with you. Good luck on your situation... I hope it is resolved in a peaceful and loving manner.

All great posts. I see Red Flags- 1) not allowing you to see your Mom; 2) receiving $2000 a month for Mom's care - is sister accountable to anyone or agency for the use of those $'s; 3) Mom does the cooking and buys the groceries and pays the bills. There are two sides to every situation and you all need to sit down calmly and talk this out together. The situation as stated is far from idea for Mom - she could live in an assisted living having her own little apartment for probably the same $ amount. She would be on neutral ground and you and sis could take care of her doctor/grocery shopping etc. needs. By all means TALK and then decide if you want to go ahead with Adult Protective Services. Be aware that is sis is working for a mental health agency, she has probably taken care of all the "legal" stuff, which you should be made aware of. It is a very sad day when our parents become the victim of greed by their children; as someone said tho', if Mom has her own mind and is capable, then she has made a choice - the question is - did she make the choice willingly or was she somewhat coerced. Blessings and prayers. xxxooo

Ooops! I meant the situation is far from "ideal" for Mom.

Well,,first, make sure your sister isn't posting on here complaining about how the sibling (you) who is doing "no" caregiving (I think the appointments help counts, personally..) is taking everything mom says at face value, accusing her of misspending money when she isn't, and gets mom all riled up about being abused to where she starts demanding things and making accusations, so she has just had it and feels justified in cutting off all contact.

Then, if the facts are that Mom gets bad care, you call APS. If the facts are more like Mom gets OK care but maybe not just how you would really like to see it done, see if you can mend fences and be back in regular contact and support each other instead.

Another quick thought...is Mm visibly losing weight?

As I have read this post and gather the information according to what has been said I like to asked some other question or maybe bring this story to life a little bit.
1) It sates that your mother is in her right mind even that she 91 so this mean that your mother can speak up for her self right?
2) Does your sister have full power of attorney ?
3) Who made the choice were your mother was to live?
4)If your mother did wasn't it her own choice right or wrong?.
5)Your mother according what written can leave if she is not happy right?
6)When your mother talks to you what is your response back to your mother do you in anyway tell her it her choice to leave or stay. knowing she in her right mind?
7) Before your mother went to live with your sister did you ask your mother to come live with you if not then why?
8) Has it been declared that your mother need 24hrs care provided for her by a doctor?
9) As far as the eating is concern what does your mother want to eat? & how does this effect your mother(The reason I ask is that I'm a caretaker for my mother and she don't want much cook or fast food hard to get her to eat at all) & if your mother eating that a blessing.
10) I have found my mother speak wrong about me to my brother and it gets her attention more less and she does the same thing to me about him but I have refused to aloud this to go on and I call her out on it so she doesn't get away with doing this. It can cause envy between sibling over someone wanting to get attention. which can lead to what your going through with your mother.
11) Being a caretaker is a big job and it can be mentally draining and physically as well. I like to suggest that you not allow your mother to bring wrong things to you unless she willing to bring it out in front of your sister and I say your sister need to do the same thing and this will stop all of this confusion when she both of your mother and together it really takes all the help that a caretaker can get. And let the money thing go because seeing money as the most important will cause what really needs to be address to become neglected and that your mother and the best care that everyone could provide at this time. If there any jealousness which I'm picking up needs to go. Remember this whole season that you'll are in right now will not last and soon one day your mother will be gone and see what happen now isn't good so I like to encourage you to be the better person and make things better between you and your sister and let your mother know that if she not happy about something to express it to both and not just one side. choose to be a family and not divided do it in Love.

I agree with tic3283. It's easy to pass judgement from the outside. This is NOT an easy job. And I have relatives always passing judgement on me and my sister for one thing or another while they live their lives and we spend ours caring for our mother 24-7. Be careful and think : you wanna take over? I doubt you would.

I lost my permanent job two years ago. The first year and a half was spent caring for my Mom and making her arrangements to go into assisted living. After several falls and injuries, I just could no longer care for her at our place. I had POA until last year; I did not want the responsibility any longer, so the next in line was my sibling who lives out-of-state. My then 93-year-old Mom was moved out-of-state to a private room assisted living last year so my sibling could properly handle her local affairs. I needed to look for work. Late last year, I got into therapy for my extreme stress and found out about my mentally impaired learning disability. I have applied for SSDI because I cannot work due to my disability even though the CA State is now helping me with my interviewing skills in an effort to help me back to the workforce at age 58. I call my Mom at least once monthly to check on her; I am currently in a situation without income and cannot fly up to see her for awhile until I know what SSDI's benefit decision will be.

My thoughts on this are colored by my own experience, I'm sure. According to my mother, she pays everything. She has the house, pays all the utilities, buys all the groceries. Anyone listening to her would think I was living here mooching off of her. The truth is that we each spend about the same thing each month. She just can't understand things beyond her self at the present time, and her fragile self esteem needs to see herself as the provider.

vstefan's question if she had lost weight was excellent. I was wondering the same thing. Your mother is 91 and may have her own way of seeing things. Sometimes elders make things up or interpret them strangely. We have to sort through to find the truth. What did your sister have to say about the things your mother said?

This is elder abuse! I would find out what they call it in your state. You need to take responsibility for your mother or someone else in your family. If your mother is responsible and can choose a POA medically and finicially. If your sister has done this your mother can say no I don't want her. Plus your sister has already abused the POA if she has it. You need to separate your mother from her.

Jessie You are actually right my mother does this too and I remind her that I didn't ask her for anything she came to me and needed my help. I was my mother own decision to live with me. But before I could move to a place big enough for both of us she made a choice while in Rehab/Nursing home that made them say I had to take her out ASAP cause insurance wouldn't pay anymore because she refusing the care. Now we are at my mother house which caused my mother to feel she taking care of me because bills and caring for her is expensive. All I could hear was how I was spending her money and what she paying for this is mental torment to have to hear day in and day out. The only way I could stop this was to tell her that yes it your money but it cost to take care of her and it more than money. I had to remind her that the road she was on before I took on the responsibility of her she would only had 50 from the Nursing home and that it. I began to give her a choice knowing that's I'm doing everything to provide everything she ask and wants. But the real problem I come to realize that all this wasn't really about me it was about my mother not being happy with her life period and she has to find away to complain and make my life unhappy cause she that way. It hard for them to accept that life has come to a point were they have too have someone to make decision for them and they do agree nor do they really want to do it any other way at all. So it about making anyone that's around here unhappy so you have a bunch of unhappiness going on and for what reason misery like company and that why thing go don't the way they do. I just had to see for what it is and refused to aloud any of the negative stuff steal my joy knowing that God see me and He knows all that I'm doing just like He doesn't miss anything else. something else I had to do to stop the money thing was tell her that she can hire me and I'll take care of her and gave her a price of what I charge and she could take it or leave it. Then it made her start counting after the the cost of hire and then she couldn't take me down that road anymore. My mother knew what has to be paid when P.D come in to sit with her and her money not long enough to have fulltime help. You have to out smart them or they will work you and tell you thing that will rock your world. Not to for get hurt you feeling so bad that you feel like crying and feel that what the use. Cause no matter what you choose to do if it not what they want and how they want it and when they want it you haven't done nothing. Just walk in the shoes of caregiver and let it be your parent you see what going down and know for your self you can't be on the out side looking in your totally on another track.

I must say, I am so overwhelmed with your question as well as the situation.
I must digest this & get back to you with an answer. THIS IS NOT OK-neither is elder abuse. I believe this would constitute as such. Your sister is a mental health professional?? She sounds as if she may have mental problems. Are you aware that many people go into that field because that is all they know & have lived??
You & you sister & mom are now in my prayers...

Consider that your mother's sense of what your sister does or says is probably off at least a little. What you've been told or even think you suspect, if it is not fact, could even hurt the situation if you call social services and then you call again later for something else and they've already been called once for nothing, so make sure it's right before you do that. A note for others; It is illegal to make false accusations or even too many mistaken calls to social services in many states that show know evidence of neglect or abuse, so make sure whatever you choose to report is a fact. I think overall you should consider taking your mother in if you are willing to take her to doctor's appointments. I would start by offering to have mom stay with you when your sister takes her trip, offer to have mom stay with you for a month or two at a time, so sister can have a break. Good luck.

$2000 a month is about half what Assisted Living would cost. Let's see 24 hours x 30 days = 720 hours. That works out to $2.78 per hour.
Taxable wage? No I think minimum wage in Hamilton is a bit higher.
Sis works full time and brings home fast food? I plead guilty as well.
Sis is going away? Stay with mom. Earn $2.78 per hour.

A little bit of math correction: sis is working fulltime so she is not with Mom 24/7 x 30.

If mom just went to the MD and he says she is fine, she's not starving. And mom's version of things may be a bit off, as Jessie said, they get the facts all mixed up, and can make family members believe totally fantastic stories. Mom told us she had given #2son thousands of dollars, which looked really bad for him, but we could not find any real evidence that she did. Lately our mom has come up with some real tall tales. The thing to look for: each time the story is told, some of the details will change and embellish. Real events are mixed up with dream events and distant past events.

I'm going through that with my brother u know its condiderd elder abuse its wrong for anyone to this to their parent its so sad it makes me sick u can ? Her POA and if judge finds wring doing she's done for and no one wants to go to jail for elder or child abuse cause its nothing nice to them inmates don't even like it good luck to over POA befor u cant

I'm confused - if you're not allowed to see your mom or check on her well being, how is it that you were able to take your mom to the doctor? Perhaps you should ask your sister how you can further help in the care of your mom instead of wanting to "visit" or "check on her well being".

As our parents age, their needs increase, much as we don't want to admit it. In the case of my 93-yr old mother, her needs increase from one week to the next. And every once in a great while her needs decrease (as in help getting dressed), but that is just for a fleeting while.

We have a brother who lives out of state, hasn't seen our mother in almost a year (and that was just for 1 afternoon), and calls Mom once every 3-4 weeks. He accuses the 4 of us who share in her care of "pampering" our mother. A woman who was diagnosed 3 years ago of mild-to-moderate dementia! Either he doesn't get it or doesn't want to admit it or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, because he isn't here at all helping in Mom's care, his ridiculous comments aren't welcome. I finally told him that unless he has a solution to what he perceives is a problem, then don't comment. And a solution where HE has researched all options, not where he says something & expects the rest of us to do all the leg-work looking into it. Hey, it works in the business world, why shouldn't it work here? Haven't heard a peep out of him since that discussion 18 months ago.

All the other posters who commented the memory isn't what it used to be, reality and imagination are mixed, etc. were spot on. As were the comments re $2000 for Mom to live with your sister, etc. It is incredibly expensive to have an elderly parent live with you, regardless of much or little they eat, especially if the parent refuses to eat fast food or acknowledge how tired a person is after working all day long.


I go back to my initial suggestion of you asking your sister how you can further help re your Mom's care. Not in a judgmental manner but with well-thought-out suggestions of what YOU can do each day or each week. Maybe a good start is the shopping of the food for the meals your mom wants?

Lostinhamilton how's things working out with your sister?

My question is you say your mother is mentally alert so she is making a choice with your sister. Are you sure you are getting the real story or mom is playing you against each other? Be very careful to assume things. My mother was telling everyone who would listen including my sister that she was bankrupt and we were taking her money, which couldn't be farther from the truth. None of that was true, but none of us realized that she had dementia and with that delusions. We did her grocery shopping and always paid for it with our own funds to help her, and she knew it. She called her elder attorney, who in turn called me about the finances. I told her a blow by blow on the monthly expenses, and offered to send her the records if she wanted to double check them. Well after a very stressful few moments the attorney had the full picture. Thank goodness I could explain and back it up. I had NO idea this was why my sister had been so cold and distant. The attorney told me that she was sure my mother was totally incompetent and she suspected a diagnosis of dementia. Even though this was a very upsetting situation, it also helped us all realize that mom was just not having "senior moments" at 90, but was delusional. Now my sister and I are able to work together even when mom is at her worst. The moral of the story is not to take things at face value. Ask the questions. Get the answers before you judge or accuse without all the facts. Do not assume!