I recently bought the house next door and moved my mother, who has dementia and other ailments in, to take care of her. I have part time caregivers and I do the rest. My mother is a big time chain smoker for 60 years. I have asked one thing of her since moving her in and that is not to smoke in the house. I hate the smell and don’t want to end up with second hand smoke problems for myself. She refuses to do this one thing because it’s cold outside. Every day we end up in a fight about it. I do everything for her. Meals, laundry, care, changing, finances. Literally everything. I feel like I should have the one decency of not having to breathe in cigarette smoke. She cares about cigarettes more than me or literally anything in earth. What would you do?
Have you considered a vaping product? I used ones that looked like real cigarettes to help me quit. I wanted to quit and it took many tries and lots of different approaches to find what worked but, if your mom isn't ready, nothing is going to work and I believe, you will create a monster by forcing her. Especially with dementia, which causes fixation and that is a real consideration. However, it could be a good solution for her nicotine addiction. Which, I can say was the hardest thing I have ever quit in my life, and I drank and did illegal drugs when I was young and cigarettes were by far the hardest thing physically to stop.
Time to look at real solutions to the issue.
Get a couple of good air purification units for the areas she smokes in. Get her smokeless ashtrays, they really do help keep the smoke out of the air. Change the furnace filter monthly. You can even buy sheets that lay on your filter and blow fragrance through the vents. I put essential oils on 9x9 squares of cotton to freshen the entire house. Because it is a layered effort to keep the smell away, you have to try different things.
I found pet odor candles and oil candles to really eliminate the odor, to the point people thought I didn't smoke in my home.
When you enter the house, ask her to put her cigarette out and move them away so she doesn't light up while you are there.
Give her hard candies, this serves a couple of purposes, it gives her something to do with her mouth and using peppermint, cinnamon and lemon candies gets rid of tobacco breath. My cousin used cinnamon sticks so he hand both his hands and mouth busy.
Regular cleaning and odor removal products (i liked fabreze) help keep the home from getting stale. Opening the windows for a few minutes everyday will help too. I would do this midday during cold months.
I would set up a place for her to smoke that has the least amount of flammable items as possible. Think tile. You can put tile on top of coffee tables, you can have a handyman build a tile square to put over the carpet, those kinds of solutions.
I would put up smoke detectors in every room of the house, just in case she starts a fire. You can put up monitored ones that notify you and 911 or just you.
Yes, it is some effort and work to implement solutions but, you sound very determined to do this. Oh, when you hire caregivers, make sure you make it clear it is a smoking household, you will be surprised at how many of them smoke or vape.
Most importantly, please get educated on dementia. Unless you have 1st hand experience, you are in for a rollercoaster ride of frustration, anger, upset and total chaos. Because your mom, as you have always known her is slipping away, you are now the responsible adult in the relationship and need to find ways that accomplish your goals without harming her.
Best of luck. Dementia is awful and just when you have found a solution, bam, she declines and you start over. Being prepared by understanding the disease will save you much heartache. Hugs!
Stress is the number one killer that can lead to strokes, heart attacks, and other physical or mental health issues. Many times the caregiver dies before the demented elder.
Eventually as your mom's needs increase something will have to give. Even with part time caregivers you are still doing the lions share of the work.
I used everything I knew about and could get my hands on, and it worked. So I wonder if your implementing some of these things might help her change habits or reduce her smoking, even in spite of her total lack of interest in doing so.
--Maybe you can supply her with vape products and ask her to vape if she wants to smoke when you *or anybody else* is in the house and she doesn't want to go outside. Note: it is mostly the *smoke* in smoking that is the killer, not so much the nicotine. That's why patches, gum, or vaping really are a lot better, as a total or even partial solution. They deliver enough of the chemicals in a cigarette to quell the craving and prevent side effects of withdrawal for many people.
--Is there any chance at all that you could engage her in trying out a bunch of different vapes and giving her opinions about them? This occurs to me as a way to shift from the situation where you're looking her to make her stop doing something (not smoke in house) and she has to hold her position of refusing. Ideally - not accompanied by any talk from you about how you feel about smoking -- more like, could you try this?
--And: PLEASE find out what kind of mask would protect you most (not 100% probably) from secondhand smoke, and always wear one in her house, *and* please also supply them for her caretakers -- I know they aren't the focus, but I am thinking of how it is for them to have to go to work in a smoker environment. I recall that a main argument for forbidding smoking in bars and restaurants at least where I live was that staff had to be exposed to the real health danger of second-hand smoke. (If they say they don't care, of course that's their call.)
--I will also throw this in though it's probably irrelevant: in my case, the use of Zyban was a big help. Zyban has been shown in studies for that purpose to be helpful to people re: quitting smoking, as it overcomes a lot of withdrawal symptoms. (It is actually a new use and new name of an antidepressant that's been around for awhile, Welbutrin.)
I would get very depressed if I stopped smoking. Zyban stopped this. I know she is totally unmotivated but -- it is a moderate anti-depressant and might be worth discussing with her doctor. IF she could take it without a bad interaction with something else, I'd look to sell it to her as something to cheer her up/help her feel better, something like that.
"Third hand" smoke can be just as deadly.
Drywall sometimes has to be removed, flooring and insulation as it becomes imbedded with many chemicals not just nicotine.
the danger with third hand smoke is not lungs but touching/contacting surfaces is a problem. (the risk is greater for children since they touch everything and everything goes into the mouth. but any contact can pose a problem)
If she’s been smoking for 60 years, this is now one of those “accept what you can’t change” type of situations. Or in other words, harm reduction.
My sister the surgeon says they’re very preferable to inhaling the organic matter in cigarettes. Plus there is no fire risk.
My son took me to a vape store and I found a flavor I liked and that was the only way I was able to finally quit. I hate the smell of smoke and the vapes leave no odor at all & you can adjust the amt of nicotine over time.
I hear that. I smoked since I was a child. I tried every method over the years and I'd be smoke-free for a few months at a time. Then I tried the one way I'd never thought of. I quit and stayed away from them now for two years. I do the AA program. It works for addiction if someone wants it to. Booze, drugs, sex, food, gambling, you name it. I stuggle with wanting it. Some days more than others. One day at a time though. Some days it's one hour at a time. This has been working for me for two years.
It's true about the smell of smoke though. I'm like that now too. I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke.
She is not going to change, is there really a reason that you need to sit with her all day? If not, don't, protect your health, cut down on the time you spend with her explain to her why, set your boundaries and stick to them.
The ball is in your court.
in the mother’s house, the mother smoked only outdoors. So OP hoped her mother would continue doing that in OP’s house: it was OP’s only wish: please smoke outdoors.
But OP’s mother now smokes indoors and outdoors, in OP’s house.