So, would you travel?
First let me say that I am fully aware that I have to deal with my parents (mostly mom) in this issue. I am just curious what others out there might do in my situation, or what others in my situation have done.
I've posted about my mean mother before. Right now she is in a good mood (rolling eyes) and our last outing went well. And I am not even taking care of them yet!! (Rolling eyes again)
I mentioned that Mom and Dad live behind me, about a quarter mile. They know when we are gone as we share a driveway. Dad is 82, Mom, 79. Both are in good health. But I know that one day one of them will fall, or something else will happen and my life will change. Btw, I am their only child.
So. My husband and I LOVE to travel. And we especially love to cruise. Well, Mom (who influences Dad) has a fit when we travel. We are so selfish. What if something happens while we are gone? (And now comes the I-have-a-wonderful-memory-and-i-will-never-forget-and-forgive)) "Betty Jean went to Greece when Mother was in the nursing home. I can't believe how selfish she was. I was the responsible one. If Mother had died while she was gone, I just would have buried her and not even told her. She was so bad for going... she never thought about anyone else... blah blah blah."
And it goes on. "You are selfish. You're just like Betty Jean. You've never had responsibilities. Your father is (yelling at this point) 82, Sharon! 82!"
"Mom, is there something wrong with Dad you are not telling me about?"
"No, Sharon! He is 82!!!" I don't know how to capitalize/italicize/bold 82, but at this point, I can just see her veins popping. "He is 82!"
Again, there are no heart problems, cancer issues, strokes, debilitating arthritis, nothing going on where they are disabled. Dad still drives locally, still does his yard work (to get out of the house), still gets around fairly well.
Mom takes no medications for anything, has no issues at all. Basically like Dad, except for her depressing, horrible, narcissistic, hateful personality.
I KNOW we don't need their permission to travel or do whatever we want. But it sure would be nice to hear, "Hey that sounds fun! Have a good time. What? You want us to call BJ (granddaughter) if something happens? Sure, we can do that!"
Not happening. Because when we cruise, we cannot be in communication on sea days. And, buddy, if something happens to Dad, "he will be buried when I get home".
So with all of this crap hanging over my head, I'd love to plan another cruise. Hubby and I found one last night that would be awesome! 12 whole frickin' days!
Side note: I've discussed this with Dad, who is more receptive. And I've explained to him that if anything were to happen to either of them before any trip, obviously, we wouldn't even consider going. But are we just supposed to sit home and wait for something to happen??
What Would You Do?
Go. Travel. Let her have a tantrum. Bring her home a cheap (and hopefully ugly and tasteless) souvenir.
I agree with everyone.
But doing it is, as Ashlynne says, is foggy. It's funny how knowing what to do and doing it are WAY two different things!
But I think hubby and I are going to book it. It's over six months away. If something happens, we'll just cancel. Reluctantly. ;-)
And yes, Dad does stay out of the house to stay away from her. He only retired a couple of years ago. But she can wear him down...
Sharon
12 days of parent-free pleasure - I just realized I've never experienced that. Go!
1. Mother is using emotional blackmail to control you.
2. Mother really IS afraid of being alone but isn't comfortable or willing to share that fear. The emphasis on your father's age is her way of telling you that they're getting older and "something" could happen. It may be generalized anxiety about being alone.
3. Get ahead of the "if something happens" issue and address whatever could happen with back-up methods.
a. I doubt if your mother would wear a life-alert pendant but your father probably would.
b. Install in-home, yard and pereimeter security if you can afford it. Some folks here have posted that they've used "nanny cams."
c. Let the good neighbors know about your plans, ask if they'll keep an eye on your house and alert them that your mother may create a scene to prove that they shouldn't be left alone. Don't ask them to intervene to take your place, but just to contact police if it appears that there are any real issues of concern.
d. If they're church members, contact their pastor, explain the situation and ask to have members come and visit your parents regularly, and take them to church functions if your mother will go (I doubt it though).
e. Find ways to address whatever else Mom thinks could happen. Prepare a list for your parents so that Mom knows how you've taken steps to care for you.
4. Take your parents out for dinner or a day trip a few days before you go to spend quality time with them, then take your own quality time.
I do understand the guilty feeling of wanting your own space; I went through that too, feeling as though I needed to be available 24/7 in case anything happened. Now we have some back-up in place (especially with the medical alert system), Meals on Wheels helped eliminate most of the grocery shopping, and I feel more free.
Good luck, and enjoy that cruise!
Good luck.
Tell mom, you will arrange for someone to drop by on a daily basis.
I take out insurance and IF a death happens, I would be willing to cut vacation short. I would not be willing to put life on hold waiting for the grim reaper, just because someone is old......could be a long wait.
There will be a time when travel will not be practical. I settled for staycations for the past 5 years. Dad passed. Mom is stable, sis is sharing the load. I sail for 7 days in July.
Europe. She went on a hunger strike - - and lived to be a 103.
I wish it was easy to set up people to visit.
1. She's a hoarder. No one is allowed in the house.
2. They really don't have any friends I can call on.
3. I hate to call on my friends.
4. We live way out in the country, so neighbors are, well, there really aren't any. The neighbors on the other side of us would gladly help, but my parents wouldn't call them. Probably wouldn't answer the phone, either.
5. Mom doesn't like my daughter. (Rolling eyes again!) She only lives five minutes away with her hubby and two kids and has told me over and over that she'd be there if need be. But, ...Mom doesn't like my daughter. I doubt she'd call her if anything happened. Just more to rub in on me. (Eyeroll.)
6. My son lives an hour away. Plus, since he hung the moon, they wouldn't want to bother him.
7. My dad actually turns off his computer and his cell phone at the end of the day. Wha-a-a-t?? So communication with him would be difficult. But it could be done. It freaks him out about the days at sea for us since he couldn't call me if need be. I'll have to check with the cruise line and see if there is a way for a ship to be contacted in an emergency. There must be. However, I would be reluctant to give this info to my mom.
I cannot think of any more right now.
Unfortunately, this whole ball of yarn will fall in my daughter's lap while we are gone. Wonder what she'll charge me?? :)
Sharon
My parents still live in their single family home. If only my parents would have moved into a retirement community, I could go out and do things and not worry so much because the community has excellent security, emergency services, plus they would have made new friends that they could reply on. This is so unfair, because my parents were traveling all over the place when they were may age :(
Your parents are in their 80s and in good health. You are supposed to not travel for the next 10, 15, possibly even 20 years? Nonsense!
But you know that. What you don't know is HOW to just go ahead and do it. I'm not proud of this, but I'm going to swap you one guilt trip for another. If you take this trip you might feel guilty for leaving healthy but elderly Mom and Dad for several days. If you don't take this trip you should feel guilty for depriving your husband of an opportunity to enjoy and enhance the most important relationship in your lives.
Each time you start down the gilt trip path and think "Oh, Mother is going to so disappointed," immediately tell yourself "Oh, Hubby will be so disappointed if we don't go."
If you are going to feel guilty no matter what, you might as well have fun doing it!
And you know, it doesn't matter whether you are home or on the high seas; life happens and there isn't a darn thing you can do to control it!
Mine never wanted to go anywhere in case something happened at home while she was gone (?). Mom hated that we traveled, even when she lived with us. We worked hard to get where we are in this life and only in emergencies do we change our plans.
Start packing!