How do I deal with my Mom who doesn't believe she has a memory problem and doesn't want anyone to keep her company?

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How do I deal with my Mom who doesn't believe she has a memory problem and doesn't want anyone to keep her company?

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Thats what dementia is.
Clearly your mom just hates loosing her independance eg. having strange caregivers at HER HOUSE...
she forgets things everything that she hears and does.
its will only get worse, its part of the aging process and diseases as well.
your mom can only communicate presents then everything gets blocked out
the best thing you can do is show your mom love and find a caregiver thats very caring and empathetic ...to care for your mom at home ..
You might want to consider locking doors of kitchen entrance ...if you dont have doors just have them put in,,,it could be worse you mom could turn the stove on or get burnt....
Nursing Homes would be another option for your mom..
you can see your mom anytime ,,and not have to be so stressed out and frustrated.
its a very hard job...you are a great person.

Also you might want to follow up with your moms doctor and let him know whats has been going on with your mom.

God bless
sharon

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Captain: Regardless, I get what you are trying to relate. Today, in this moment, she is not fine, and is not going to be fine. But, yes, in our world, and I am a person of belief, people want to believe, that is how we cope with the word death. Everyone here is trying to assist your aunt, and give you understanding that the Priest was referring to the afterlife, but you never hear "when you die, you will be fine" Thank you for the open mind.

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Dear lindafromvt. I called an organization here in St. Louis about how to keep my mom from taking her night meds in the morning and sleeping all day. They recommended a dispenser which beeps, lights flash and it rotates every time it goes off so she can't take the wrong one. She does, however lay meds on the counter and not take them. She swares the thing doesn't work for days at a time, but the meds are gone and the correct meds are next. I am with her 3-4 times a week. She is in denial about the dementia also. I can see things are going to get harder. She is in assisted living except they don't bathe her or see that she takes her meds. They call her to come for meals and other help that they are not obligated to do. She is 87.

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OK here I go again! I retired three years ago because I knew that my husband needed me at home. He would forget to eat himself , but feed the dogs twice or more while I was gone for the day teaching. Now fast forward three years, he cannot use the telephone, get dressed alone, remember what to do when brushing his teeth, wash himself, soils his underwear about 5 times a week, makes messes, throws out the trash on the recycling days, etc etc. And he insists on going everywhere with me. He doesn't want to be alone. So I signed up for a Meditation class on Monday evenings for 5 weeks. On the 5th week he threw a fit about the caretaker coming "Again!" He declared yelling at me, "I m not a baby! I don't need a babysitter! I am not having someone come here again to watch me." this from the guy who rarely talks to me because he can't remember what to say. He has lost most of his vocabulary. I was shocked. He is never mean and usually happy. Now I feel that my world is getting so much smaller. I can't go anywhere or do anything without him. When I go out with my girlfriend we take him along. They are understanding but sometimes I need to get away from him! How do I get him to agree to a substitute caregiver? Should I just leave him alone as the previous people have said until something terrible happens. I told him, "You cannot used the phone! How will you get help if there is a fire?" He said, "I'll go outside." "And then what will you do, I said?" He said, "I'll watch it burn down."

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Sadly, as many others have said, it sounds a lot like my own mother. She now lives with my husband and me and agreed to come here, but doesn't remember that. And, also as others said, we couldn't do much for/with her until an extreme event happened - it took something really big to get things moving.

It sounds like your mom lives with you. I have to think that possibly trying adult day care might be something to try. My mother didn't want companions and didn't have interests, either, but when I got her with a bunch of other people she blossomed a little bit and started getting interested. She has her up and down days. Conning her into going was the hardest part. Finding a way to get them there is probably unique to each person.

When I say I "conned" her into it, I just mean to say that it's not as easy as giving a rational reason. I don't mean that I claimed she was going to visit a relative or anything like that. Because if I'd done that, my mother would have been so hopping mad she'd have just walked off.

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Wow, that sounds exactly like my mother who has a five minute memory also and is in complete denial of having any mental problems. My heart goes out to you. I wish I had an answer but I don't and, like you, we struggle all the time with the consequences of dementia. She belongs in assisted living but until you have a crisis to make the transition, hang in there. I send you a hug!

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Well, if you can find friends who play cards and would play along with him no matter how bad, or disguise the caregiver as a friend who needs someone to visit with..probably would have to be a guy. Maybe there is a respite center that would offer an activity he would actually like. But hey, he shouldn't run the show and keep you cooped up and housebound. He can't understand because of his dementia and his decisions are not good ones that you should abide by. Leaving him alone is not a great idea either, obviously...his judgement and problem-solving are just not there anymore, along with his empathy!

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I went to see my mother today and once again she thinks she has not seen me in weeks and weeks. I was there last Friday. My mother microwaved a meal for 50 minutes and burned up the microwave. She knew that there was a lot of smoke in the house yet she called my sister for help and not the fire department. It was when we realized that she had not tested her blood sugar for over 9 weeks that we decided to move forward with getting things ready to move her. We moved her to ALF after re-hab after the Drs. got her blood sugars back under control. She says every-time we visit that she just wants to get out of where she is living at the ALF home. I did not want to wait for her to fall down the stairs, have another fire, continue to pay bills 2 and 3 times over or not at all. I did not want anymore contractors knocking at her door and seal her driveway for $5000, or cut down a tree for $2000, no more diabetic supplies from 4 different suppliers, or countless new romance novels delivered in packs of 4 every month. We know that she is safe and is being taken care of by very nice people who choose the profession to care for the elderly which I can not do as well. Sooner than later you will have to face a very tough decision also and it will be easier on you once you know that you are making the decision to keep your husband safe from harm.

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I too feel your pain as my 87 y/o mom has dementia but refuses any help. She won't go to AL or hire a live in as she has lived alone since my father passed away in 1968. She is quite lucid at times but has delusions of people living in her apt & stealing from her, destroying her place, etc. She is on 300 mg seroquel a day which doesn't seem to be helping although she does sleep at night. Previously she would call me at 2 am or 5 am claiming she was robbed or her house is on Fire. Now she thinks she can go rent another apt in the same retirement community & that will be the answer. This is her 2nd apt as she sold her condo blaming a woman upstairs for playing music & harassing her. I told her I won't have any part of moving her again unless to AL. I have also resolved myself to the fact that an " incident" will occur that will force her into a nursing home eventually. I wish u luck with your mom. It is the most stressful thing to deal with.

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I feel like one of the luckiest folks here at the moment because, although my 91 year old mother is not an easy person by any means, I was able to engage the services of an aide 2 x per week for 4 hours a day (mostly to handle things like groceries, laundry, etc. and let me continue to work) by basically convincing my mother that the aide wasn't just for her benefit, but mine. This seemed to make her more accepting and it helps immensely that she really likes her aide....when not doing chores, etc. she takes walks with "Mary" and also plays rummy, which they apparently both enjoy. My mother is still living "independently" in the sense that she isn't in AL or NH but definitely needs a lot of attention, help and assistance in multiple ways and has absolutely no short term memory. But, for the moment, this is working out and I try not to obsess about the "what if's" regarding how long her money will last, etc. One step at a time, basically.......
All good thoughts going out to everyone who is this, or a similar, situation....

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That's hard to go through. Just do what you can. I go to my mom's place and she leaves stuff out to thaw way too long, arguing it's fine that the meat is fine at room temperature, etc. I just put stuff back in the fridge or take it to the dumpster when she's not looking, if it looks like it's gone bad.

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I'm in a similar situation as you, with my mother. She will be 84, has dementia, and refuses all "formal" assistance, like moving to AL, having in-home and/or companion assistance, etc. She's perfectly happy though, leaning on people who don't have all the time in the world to help her, like her neighbor and me. I did everything I could while I was there to get her to have her smoke alarm batteries changed (one of them was chirping incessantly). I explained that the chirping was not her security system; I explained that it will continue to chirp until the batteries are changed. I explained that this was very important and needed to be taken care of. I got the batteries out for her, and explained again, what they were for. I ran through the drill of who she should call. And then, I had to go home! In rush hour, the drive back home took me 3.5 hours. Visiting her is a huge time commitment, and I can't do it at the drop of a hat. I found a service that she can call, and am getting her set up with the service. But if she hasn't taken care of it already, it will be about another week before she will be able to schedule someone with this service. Am I going to call and nag, and remind, and call again? Nope. Some people would definitely think I'm a horrible person, or using terrible judgment. But they don't know my mother. The more you insist that she does something, the more she'll dig in her heels and resist. Yes, it's a lousy position to be in.

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P.S. Fyi, her ceilings are pretty high, and so changing the batteries requires a tall ladder, which she doesn't have. If the ceilings were lower, I would have just done it myself.

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How do I deal with my Mom who doesn't believe she has a memory problem and doesn't want anyone to keep her company?

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