Son needs advice on how to toilet, shower and change clothing for bedridden Mom. Any suggestions?

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Son needs advice on how to toilet, shower and change clothing for bedridden Mom. Any suggestions?

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Why was she placed in NH in January? Has she improved at all since that decision was made a year ago? When you say 'our family' wants to bring her home, are you talking about you and your wife/children -or- do you mean you and your siblings discussing her returning to the home?

If it is you/wife/kids - are they all on board to assist w/round the clock care? If it is your siblings having this discussion, you all definitely need to figure out just how the round the clock care will work. Can you use funds currently paying for NH to hire some help? If the funds have run out, you can apply for Medicaid bed to keep her in the NH. If everyone wants her home and she's bedridden, I suggest you get everyone to commit what help they will provide and/or how care will be paid for.

It's not impossible for a man or anyone to help a woman with tasks you mentioned. The best source is where she is right now. Have the staff show you how to do it - they have pretty good ideas/methods to make the job easier because they do it every day. Start planning on your household set up to make it easy for caregivers: Porta pot by the bed, remodel shower to accommodate a wheelchair, shower chair, replace a regular bed with a hospital type bed, etc. Look at the bed she has at NH and measure the height from floor. You have to find something similar. If she moves at all, handrails. If it's possible, they have toilets that flush out the backside that can be hooked onto your sewer line - you don't have to drill holes in floor - just an exit hole in wall behind toilet. It can be right next to the bed so you can flush/use bidet instead and cleaning out a potty chair all day long.

If you end up doing this caretaking thing, I strongly suggest you pay for whatever help the family can afford. You're going to need it. If some family is trying to save mom's money for inheritance, just let them know that ship has sailed. Her money for her care.

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Without getting into the details too much, Mom has declined mentally and physically substantially since the beginning of this year when she entered the NH. There are differences of opinions in family as to best route for her long term care, i.e. NH, at home care, etc, and that slows progress at this time. Good advice in all, thank you.

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I took care of my dad. What’s strange is that my parents divorced when I was very young and I wasn’t super close to my dad but he needed me and was terrified of a nursing home. He gradually declined mentally and physically until he was also bedridden. He and I quickly got over our shyness because it just had to be done. By the time he was completely bedridden we had help from hospice but they only came once a day. I had already learned how to do all this when I cared for my husband in the final stages of his brain cancer so that helped. The nurses showed me techniques for turning them over, changing sheets with them in the bed etc. I also researched and found some super absorbent adult diapers that last through the night. If you can afford it there are great caregivers that can come in and help with bathing and sheet changing etc. but you’ll still
need to do diapers most of the time. I also found a camera that I could watch over my dad mounted in his room was helpful in case he awoke and was in some kind of distress I would
know right away.

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Quick question-what diaper did you find that is extra absorbent? It just makes me so sad that my mother is sometimes soaked through everything of a morning. Thanks!

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Clemente, first I would like to say this is a wonderful thing you are doing. Years ago I became a nurse's aide at a local nursing home. I didn't think I could do it, the job of personal care for the residents seemed embarrassing for me and the ones I cared for, as well as distasteful. I had an epiphany one day while taking care of a lady who had been incontinent. She was crying, she was embarrassed that I had to clean her up. I realized I had to look past the "job" and look at the person--she absolutely had no control, and she absolutely needed me to help her. When having to perform personal care for your mom, the best thing you can do is to be matter of fact ("hey, it's ok, we'll get this taken care of so you are more comfortable "), and compassionate, and check your own embarrassment and discomfort at the door. I think a bidet would be helpful, I also think if you are related to or know a caregiver or nurse then you can get some helpful information on the best ways to perform some of the things you will need to do for your mom. There are easier ways to clean someone, dress them, move them, that is less embarrassing for you both and helps preserve mom's dignity. Good luck and I will keep you both in my prayers!

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Thank you in advance for your prayers, and also for my family, as we make difficult decisions on these things, and the tasks that family members may have to take care of. We're just at step one now and hopefully will advance each step with grace and wisdom.

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Forget about a bidet. If she is incontinent and already in diapers then forget about trying to get her to use a toilet or a commode because that's not going to happen.
There is no way a person can wipe an ass and change a diaper without seeing someone's private parts. I'm going to tell you straight having been an in-home caregiver to elderly and handicapped for almost 25 years.
You have to get over any embarrassment or shame quick when it comes to hygiene care. It's absolutely disgusting to change an elderly person's diaper and give them a shower or bath. I won't lie and tell you it's a rewarding experience or do anything. It likely will be the most disgusting thing you've ever had to do. It is not like doing for a baby either. Some people cannot do this type of work and that's nothing to be ashamed of. If you're not able then leave your mom in the nursing home.
As for changing a soiled diaper. Don't try to bring her into the bathroom and change it on the toilet. That will not go well for either one of you. The easiest way to change a diaper is to change the person laying flat on their bed (you will need a hospital bed for her to be living at home). Fill a basin with warm, soapy water and a couple wash cloths. Unfasten the diaper on both sides. Slide the tabs under her far as you can. Then turn her on her side and pull the diaper out. While she's on her side wash her up and dry her with a towel or paper towels. Don't go trying to use a hairdryer or do anything like that. If she only pees herself, she can be cleaned up with baby wipes. Good luck to you.

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Thanks for the candid talk, that's what I need. You have blessed many people in your 25 years and I am sure many and hopefully all are thankful for this challenging part of caregiving.

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Briefly, contact your Elder Care organization in your area, find out how you can have a home health aide come in during the mornings for 1 hour to help bathe your Mom and get dressed.

The Elder Care organization should be able to help set up the bed & bathroom appropriately, so both areas can be safe.

Such as a grab bar attached to the bed, (a board and grab bar, where the board is under the mattress;) a STRONG commode by the bed & perhaps a walker to help with the transition; also, grab bars in the bathroom with a seat in the shower & a regular commode over the toilet to make it higher and easier to get up.

I am sure it is awkward for a son to do this for a Mom. (I would be totally uncomfortable doing it for my Dad.) I took care of my Mom, so that part was easier but it was uncomfortable for my Mom to have me assist her in this fashion... we do what we need to do. I tried my best to make her last years easy & enjoyable as best as possible...I know Mom appreciated what I did and she would often let me know how relieved and happy she was to have me be there for her.

Please, don't get frustrated...if she becomes frustrated, remember, It is hard on her too.

I hope some of my suggestions were helpful!

If you want more suggestions, I would gladly add more. Or, feel free to send me a note.

One last thing we used https://www.hdis.com/
Adult diapers, (maybe with an additional pad in them) and put mattress pads on the bed with the sticky strips to prevent them from moving is important to have also. (We had two under the fitted sheet, just in case, and on top of the fitted sheet.)

Okay, good luck.

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I think Clemente mentioned that his mother was a dependent transfer with a hoyer lift, which means she won't be getting up into a shower, using a grab bar, standing at the edge of the bed with a walker, etc. Care will be provided in the bed, most likely.

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Check online. You would be surprised at what's available

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I do this all for my 98 year old mom. She is not embarrassed by it and neither am I. I get her to stand at the bottom of the bed remove her napkin and bend over and then cIean her with baby wipes. I even did it for my sister when she was in hospital with cancer and the nursing care was woeful. I never ever thought I would be able to do this but once you start it gets easier. Today I even had to put a glycerine suppository up my mothers rectum. She also has a prolapsed rectum which I have to push back every so often. Give it a go and you'll be surprised what you can do. Good luck. I find this very rewarding to know I can be there for my mother when she needs me the most.

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Thank you, this is difficult stuff but by reading answers like yours and many others here it helps to prepare me if this task falls to me.

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Honestly, after u get past the first couple of times, u are more able to mentally detach and it simply becomes yet another TASK that must get done.

my father actually cleaned his MIL many times when she was in this situation. She was horrified but he assured her that he considered her his mother and it HAD to be done. also KNEW she would do the same for him were the situation reversed (she would have). I had to clean her a few times too.

vicks salve under your nose, a mask, plastic gloves (a must).

There are YouTube videos showing how to do a bed bath. Im sure cleaning the bottom is shown as well. Protecting her modesty of the rest of her body (w a towel, sheets) when doing this is helpful too.

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Thank you XenaJada, good practical advice and much appreciated. Yes, next step is YouTube!

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Dear Clemente: This is for sure a challenging time for you. But to be honest, a lot of us have accomplished these skills because they are our loved ones. My mother was a very modest woman. Yet when she was in the Nursing Home, she opted for me to bathe her entire body instead of the staff member. I do understand that you are your mother's son, but after once or twice, you won't think anything of it. Prayers dear man.

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I appreciate greatly your prayers, they have been working mightily lately as God is sending us the right people in our path to make the burden so much lighter and show us how in home care for Mom CAN work, I know it can be done and it is primarily a matter of sacrifice, love, patience and getting the right help on board (advisors).

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You must get outside help. I was going crazy trying to help my wife with Alzsheimers. I was her sole caregiver.See if she qualifies for Medicare. Contact
an agency that will show how she can qualify. They found a way for my
wife to get benefits after I thought their was no way she could qualify because
of income limitations. They now give me support so That I can keep her living
with me. It is not easy but it can be done. You must be willing to spend the
time and effort.

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Thank you, and thank God our family has recently begun to find that navigating the often complex system of health care at home is made immensely easier as we have found sources of outside help that are easing the burden tremendously. Less re-inventing the wheel, and more find the experts who have already trod the path and point us where to go. The people here at this forum are among my family's heroes.

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Home health will come out and teach him if he is able...aid will determine.

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My mom is a 92 year old bedridden 8 years diagnosed last stage Alzheimer’s victim. I am a male caregiver helping my sister for the past 3 years. I don’t mean just sitting. I do diaper changes, in bed bathing,( no easy way to do this, put on the gloves and get it done), transfers from bed to wheelchair and chair to bed. Feedings of 1 to 2 cups of food that take up to 2 hours. The constipation and diarrhea. The long days and nights. The pain I see my mom enduring every day is very difficult to experience . Now the hard part : family will quit on you , some will forsake you and your mom. Many will start but few will finish. This is not impossible but very,very,very difficult. You better be mentally and physically healthy. A few of the things we needed : hospital bed with alternating air mattress to prevent bedsores, hydraulic lift , wheelchair or jerry chair, washable and disposable bed pads, lots of bed sheet sets, lots and lots of diapers,pads, bathing supplies, lots of washing detergent, supplies,supplies,supplies. Hospice provides a portion of this. Don’t count on hospice for all supplies. Don’t count on hospice aides for help, ( there schedule will clash with yours). YOU will have to do 99% of this job. We have 40 hours of caregiver help per week at a cost of $440 .YOU have to do the 128 hours left in the week. Hundreds in supplies every month. Family will not help pay the high cost. You will feel all alone. Very few will understand nor care. Lots of energy,patience, and kindness,Loving kindness, Love. Without love you can’t do it.

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As I read your comments and the many others here, it is encouraging in that despite the remarkable level of dedication, patience and hard work needed to do this job, that you are not alone, there are many doing this, and often without visibility or praise and encouragement. I will pray for you and your sister and all the others who have given me a clear vision of what the job takes, and the helpful answers. Thank you. Keep on looking up, and keep moving forward!

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If she is bedridden you will need a bedpan so she can urinate and poo in it while lying on her bed. You will need to have underpads which goes on the bed underneath your mom so the sheets do not get dirty. You'll need padded undewear - pullups. I like the overnight underwear because they have more padding. You will need 4 ounce trash bags to collect the soiled underwear to throw out. You will also need wipes - baby wipes are safest. You need the wipes to clean her hind end, her female parts and between her legs the top of legs - front, sides and back.

I see a lot of people saying they don't understand why you would want to bring your mom home. But I understand. People do much better at home. Plus, who can afford to pay for a family member to live in a nursing home. Most of them are $2000 to $5000 a month. I certainly don't have money like that.

As for showering, if she is bedridden, you will probably need hospice to come to your home once a week to help you with that. They will know what to do.

As for seeing your mom's private parts, that is something you are going to have to get used to. She's your mom and you are doing this out of love. When it comes to caring someone you love you just do what you must do.

Some people say that you are not responsible for caring for her and you shouldn't have to give up your life. While legally you are not required to care for her - she is your mom and I personally feel we do have a responsibilty for doing what is right - which may mean you care for her. As far as giving up your life. I feel that caring for a loved one enhances your life and teaches you about patience and love like nothing else can. Plus, it is your decision to make. If you feel that caring for your mom is the right thing to do, than that is what you should do.

It will be tough, but I think you can do this.

Check this website out. It will be helpful.
https://training.mmlearn.org/blog/peri-care-what-every-caregiver-needs-to-know

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I can't thank you enough, your words mean much to me as I look at the potential difficulties. I agree it is about sacrifice and love, even though the comfort zone can be stretched mightily and beyond what we think we can do. Somehow home care for parents was done as the norm prior to WWII, but our society has changed dramatically so we think of Nursing Homes as the new norm. Where we live the nursing homes are well over 10K a month, and one can have their life savings of 50 years gone in 2 or 3 years.
Something is way out of kilter here, and each person will have to make hard decisions on which way to track. I understand the problems on both sides of the coin, and wish only the best for the direction each person heads, care at home or care in long term facilities.

Thanks for the link, I will check it out.

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First of all - you truly inspiring me to keep going. You reminded me why I do this and that I’m not crazy.
I needed that today - thank you.
it’s a busy day here so I will add more later. My best purchase has been the liberator medical Purewick - please google this. It has saved moms skin from and collect 95% of the urine. Surrounding you in support and blessings

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Thanks Momheal1, you have inspired me today as well--and this website is really lifting up a whole lot of people who need a lift!

Yes, I have heard recently about Purewick and its something family may use for Mom. The hospital she was in did use a similar device, and that's what began to show me to reach out to those in the know who have already done homecare rather than reinvent the wheel and assume no such device exists for taking care of #2---to date, no one on this forum has indicated such a device exists either for homecare or in more specialized settings like Nursing Homes and Hospitals. But I am sure someone will eventually invent such a device and free millions of caregivers and their clients/patients from the daily burden of this task.

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Son needs advice on how to toilet, shower and change clothing for bedridden Mom. Any suggestions?

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