Without going into too much detail, I will just say that my stepmother is caring for my Dad, age 91, who is still quite self-sufficient.
I call every couple of months to see how he is doing and it always creates havoc.
Here is what happens. She always answer the phone (he does not have a cell phone and doesn't want one)(. I chit-chat a bit with her and then ask to speak to my dad, at which point, she becomes difficult saying things like ... uh, um, I will see if he is available, or we are very busy, etc. She then puts him on and after around three minutes she will start screaming (talking loudly in the background) that she is expecting a call, or they need to do something that cannot wait, etc.
In the beginning, I truly fell for this. I realize that she does not like me due to the fact that my primary allegiance was always to my Mom. You see my stepmom wanted to be invited to the same occasions that my Mom went to ... like Christmas, and other major holidays. My mother never felt comfortable with that so stepmom was not invited and very hurt. Wrong or right, there was no other way. Finally a solution was devised whereby, Xmas eve would be with stepmom and Xmas day with Mom.
In any case, this morning, she simply would not put me through at all. So, I asked how he is doing and she mumbled something, but not much information.
He does not use cell phone or the internet, so I just don't know what to do.
Thank you very much.
Jenny
You can write him letters to keep him posted on your life, so that your three minutes can be used to ask about him. You could also call your step mom's bluff by asking for a specific time to call when your dad will be free for more than a few minutes and she isn't expecting a call. Beyond that, I think you have to let it go.
I don't understand why a self-sufficient man needs a "caregiver" but in any case he has a wife and he apparently wishes to abide by her wishes (as you abided by your mother's).
If you want any kind of relationship at all, continue to call him for your 3-minute allotment, perhaps more often.
There is no way with her. It is not my fault that my Mother felt uncomfortable going to the same events as the second wife. She did not break up my parents' marriage or anything like that. She is just, well, a difficult woman.
thanks.
Your dad should really know how to work a cellphone. What if he needs to call 911?
I only call every couple of months. He wont do a cellphone. I have asked and asked I guess the housephone for 911.
I have had this issue with her for years and years. I have tried to explain about my mother and how I had no control over my mother being uncomfortable around any woman my Dad would remarry. This seems normal enough. Once, years ago, she put him out on the street because of a fight and he had no money and had to live with my brother. that is the extent of his finances. She has him by the you know what's and he knows it.
She wants me gone so I guess I will have to be gone. I just feel like a jerk. I never should have spoken up .. once I really told him that I was sick and tired of her always being too busy and the screaming she was doing and that I hardly called him. He cannot stand up to her.